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Underneath this is something more
All of these things are just what’s showing
Ani DiFranco, The Knowing
Shanks doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of looking at Buggy. There’s always something new; a few lines around his eyes he hadn’t noticed before, the makeup done different – once, Shanks was certain the blush on his right cheek was darker than on the left, couldn’t figure out if it was on purpose or not, hadn’t asked even when Buggy had yelled at him for staring. Buggy’s reaction to his staring also changes depending on his mood.
More often than not, he yells at Shanks to stop being creepy. Sometimes he just grumbles, “draw a picture, it’ll last longer” (Shanks had replied with “I don’t think even the best artist in the world could do you justice” and been rewarded by Buggy blushing – and then sputtering and kicking him before he refused to talk to him for two hours) but once in a while… Buggy has a different reaction.
Like tonight, when Shanks is sure Buggy can feel his staring, but he’s just sitting – they’re on the beach, far away enough from the waves that Buggy doesn’t have to worry about the water reaching him.
Shanks is pretty sure Buggy isn’t ignoring him. He could be wrong but… it just feels like Buggy’s mind is miles away.
Shanks is jealous of that. He realizes it’s an illogical – to say the very least – feeling but he doesn’t see the point in fighting it. He loves Buggy exactly as he is, but he can’t help to wish that he shared more of his thoughts. Oh, no one would ever call Buggy quiet but he’s as good as anyone Shanks has ever met at keeping his true thoughts hidden.
Shanks doesn’t blame him for it, won’t try and force it otherwise. All he can do is remain the same, hope that one day Buggy will open up.
It used to be different, once upon a time, and Shanks can’t help but to think back on those years, when he and Buggy seemed to share one mind, two bodies. Yes, they’ve always been different, but it had felt like they could share a look and know exactly what the other was thinking.
Nowadays… Shanks is pretty sure half of what he imagines Buggy thinking is just wishful musings on his part.
Suddenly, Shanks realizes Buggy is no longer looking at the ocean, but at him.
Shanks is helpless but to smile. Buggy rolls his eyes, but he keeps quiet and then they’re just staring each other in the eyes, for longer than Shanks has done in… many years. Other people would find it uncomfortable, he’s sure. But if Buggy is allowing it… the sky could be falling and Shanks wouldn’t look away. Unless it was to make sure it didn’t fall on Buggy, of course.
Buggy huffs, “out with it.”
Shanks blinks, genuinely caught off guard. “What?”
“Whatever you’re thinking. There’s some smoke coming out of your ears.”
Shanks’ lips twist up, even though it’s an old and childish joke. It does bring him back to then.
“I was thinking,” he starts, slow, because he doesn’t know how Buggy will take his words and that won’t stop him from sharing them – it never has – but he likes focusing on Buggy’s micro expressions as he shares his thoughts, catch every tiny movement of his eyebrows or mouth, or anything else. “We used to know what the other was thinking just with a look.”
Buggy takes a few seconds to reply. When he does, it’s with another huff first, “yeah, well, we were kids, our thoughts were simple back then.”
Shanks lets out a little amused sound, not quite a laugh. “I guess you’re right.” Shanks doesn’t know just how much he agrees. It’s true that the crew certainly kept them in the dark in some aspects, but Shanks doesn’t think they had such an easy childhood as all that, not when he looks back now. It’s why he always refused to take Luffy with him, after all. Pirate ships aren’t the best growing environment.
Shanks exhales, “I wish we’d stayed together the past twenty years.” It isn’t the first time he’s said this, unlikely it will be the last. “Then I would still be able to guess what you were thinking.”
“You’re sure of that?” Buggy asks, eyes still on Shanks, who thinks there’s… something in his voice, that makes him take a few seconds to reply. Buggy doesn’t sound angry or annoyed or any other negative emotion Shanks is more than familiar with when it comes to him. Bittersweet, Shanks suddenly thinks. Just bitter would be wrong. He’s heard it from Buggy before and it comes out a lot meaner.
Bittersweet, that’s the right word. Shanks just isn’t sure why he’s using it.
“Yeah, of course,” he still replies because that would have been the whole point of staying together, wouldn’t it? They would have been together, never apart and would know each other as well as they know themselves.
And as much as Shanks loves that he gets to discover Buggy all over again – a couple of aspects are completely new, but usually there’s just a sense of ah, there you are –, he still can’t help but to imagine how different things would have gone if they’d never parted ways. If Buggy hadn’t left.
Shanks doesn’t hold any grudges over it. Truly, he doesn’t. He knows why Buggy did it, he respects his choice. But is it so wrong to imagine how things would have gone if he had stayed?
“How would it have worked?” Buggy asks and Shanks blinks, once more surprised. Usually Buggy just tells him to shut up with his emotional drivel. The fact he’s actually entertaining Shanks… It almost makes him grin like an idiot, but the tint of bittersweet is still there and Shank doesn’t know why. Well, he’s just going to have to do what he always does: talk and hope to have Buggy open up in response.
So, Shanks takes the time to truly ponder what to answer. How would it have worked? Shanks has imagined plenty of scenarios over the years. Mostly, he’d get in difficult situations and think what would Buggy do? or I wish Buggy was here. Even if Buggy’s presence wouldn’t have made it simpler – probably the opposite –, Shanks had always felt it would have been better with the other man by his side.
“Well,” he starts, “we would have gotten a ship together.”
“As co-captains?” Buggy asks and Shanks nods, pleased he’s going along with the hypothetical, even though Buggy is sounding very neutral about it all. But Shanks has more than learnt to take the little wins when it comes to him. “And would we have come to the East Blue?”
Shanks blinks. It’s a good question. Shanks came all those years ago because… well, despite the stories going around nowadays, he was once upon a time a small-time pirate, who had to start somewhere and the East Blue had a reputation for being the calmest of the seas and Shanks had seen nothing wrong with it. If he had also thought his fellow cabin boy would make his own way there… well, coincidences happen. It’s a bit world but not that big.
“I guess. You’d probably be the one making the plans.” So maybe Shanks is buttering him up a little bit. Nothing wrong with it. And he’s not lying, anyway. Buggy was always the more interested one in treasure. And he’d had a good nose to find it (Shanks would never put it in those terms to his face).
“And if I wanted something else?”
Shanks blinks. Something… else?
“Go to another sea?” he asks, because he’s genuinely lost to Buggy’s meaning.
Buggy doesn’t answer right away. He looks out towards the ocean and Shanks is once again tasked with finding a word to best describe his mood. He doesn’t think nostalgic is quite the one… wistful, perhaps? But for what?
For the ocean, that Buggy had always loved but can’t now enter without the very real threat of death? Or does he too ponder on what could have happened if they’d stayed together and part of him wishes it had happened? As much as Shanks likes that scenario… he doesn’t think that’s right.
“I didn’t continue being a pirate when I arrived in the East Blue, you know,” Buggy says and Shanks blinks. He’d almost expected Buggy to not continue the conversation.
“What did you do?” Shanks asks, though he has an idea.
Buggy turns to him with a raised eyebrow, “I joined a circus. Obviously.”
Shanks laughs and, at least to his ears, there’s some relief in the sound because Buggy is – mostly – back to normal.
“You could have still done that. Maybe I would have joined too.”
Buggy sends him a look that clearly says what he thinks of that. Of course, him being who he is, Buggy still insults him out loud. “And do what? You don’t have any skills besides waving your sword around.”
Shanks laughs; only Buggy would say that to him.
“I could become a lion tamer,” Shanks says, even though he’s spent exactly zero of his time thinking what his role would be in a circus. But animals usually like him and Shanks thinks he could tune his haki enough to control them. They probably wouldn’t appreciate it but oh well.
Buggy just snorts.
“So I’d have joined the circus and you would have stayed a pirate? Or stayed with me at the circus – you could have cleaned the animals’ pens, I guess – until we both went back to being pirates?”
Shanks nods, doesn’t have to think too hard on it. Honestly, he likes either plan. Despite what Buggy claims, he thinks he wouldn’t have done that badly in the circus. And Buggy will never say it out loud, but Shanks is sure he would have helped him come up with his own act.
Is it strange to suddenly miss something he’s never had? Not the actual circus; Shanks can’t imagine he would have loved it. He’d have been okay with it, but mostly because Buggy would be right by his side.
“Always back to piracy.”
Shanks turns back to Buggy, eyebrows furrowed. “Do you wish… you hadn’t gone back to it?” Shanks has never known anything but piracy. He knows the circus for Buggy isn’t just a gimmick. Perhaps he truly does love that part of his life as much as piracy. Shanks can’t say he gets it but if Buggy suddenly tells him that’s what he’s going to spend the rest of his life doing, no more pirating for him, Shanks will find a way to make it work.
“No,” Buggy says and turns to Shanks, serious, “but I don’t wish I’d stayed with you either.”
And yeah, Shanks knows it, and it hurts and he can’t stop himself from leaning back slightly, but he still tries to smile because… well, because it’s what he does.
“I know,” Shanks says, opens his mouth to continue, not exactly sure with what – maybe he’ll try and change the subject but Buggy says just one word and he closes his mouth.
“Stop.”
Shanks looks at him, waits for Buggy to continue. He exhales, turns fully to him.
“I wouldn’t be who I am if I’d stayed with you. Your fantasies… they’re just that. We wouldn’t have been co-captains because you’d always have more power than me,” Shanks opens his mouth because that is simply not right but Buggy detaches one hand to press it against his lips. “I know you wouldn’t have seen it like that, but the crew would have. And everyone else with a functioning braincell. My bullshit only works because no one looks too closely.”
Shanks blinks, moves his hand up to take a hold of Buggy’s, though he doesn’t let it go, just lowers it a bit, keeps holding onto it. Buggy is nice enough to let him keep it – for now.
“There would have been no space for me except the one you made.”
Shanks blinks again, tries to think through Buggy’s words because that… doesn’t sound too bad? He’s more powerful when it comes to haki and even at fighting, but Buggy is smart, resourceful. Shanks guesses he kind of can see Buggy’s point, but once he actually did have his space… would it have mattered how he got there? Shanks has no doubts Buggy would have gained their hypothetical crew’s trust and respect.
Buggy snorts, “I knew you wouldn’t get it.”
He doesn’t sound mad, is the thing. Shanks almost wishes he did, because a mad Buggy is one that fights with him and right now… Shanks still doesn’t understand what he’s trying to say and he wants to.
Buggy’s hand moves in his grip to go back to its rightful place and Shanks lets it, though he accompanies the movement so he can place his own on Buggy’s thigh. Buggy doesn’t try and get away from it.
“Buggy,” he starts, pauses, because he doesn’t know what he wants to say. That doesn’t usually happen around Buggy. He can’t help but to think that if they’d stayed together, there would be a lot less moments like this. And then he wants to hit himself, because Buggy literally just said he wouldn’t want to stay with him and yes, these are his thoughts, Shanks isn’t doing anything wrong, but it doesn’t feel right, to picture a different life, when he’s been told in no uncertain terms it’s not the one Buggy would have wanted.
“Let’s just go to bed,” Buggy says and gets up, looking down at Shanks who feels like he’s letting something escape right through his fingers, and even worse than not knowing how to stop it, it’s that he doesn’t know just what it is.
But Shanks knows there’s no point in trying to get Buggy to change his mind when he doesn’t want to. It’ll only make matters worse in the long run. At least he’s not telling Shanks to go back to his ship.
So, not seeing anything else to do, Shanks nods, raises his arm and, after letting out an unimpressed noise, Buggy takes a hold of it and pulls him up.
“Thanks,” he says, side thumping Buggy’s.
“Come on,” Buggy says and Shanks interlaces their fingers, Buggy not trying to escape his hold. Somehow, it doesn’t feel like a win.
.
Buggy refused to let Shanks sleep on the Big Top and was equally adamant he wouldn’t be sleeping on the Red Force, so they’d rented a cabin not too far from the beach. Other crew members had followed their example, since it wasn’t clear when they’d be going back to sailing – or what that was going to look like –, but most were used to their ships and stayed there.
Shanks had told him some of his crew was planning on, if not fully retiring, then taking a break from pirating. The Buggy’s Pirates, meanwhile, were going back to their origins and were currently working on new acts; they should be hosting their first spectacle in just two days.
Buggy remembers Shanks’ question, on whether he regretted leaving the circus to go back to being a pirate – though, to be fair, it’s clear to everyone he very much took the circus with him – and almost scoffs.
That was never the point. Of course Buggy had wondered what would happen if he simply stayed the rest of his life on land, but never seriously. After the first few years of his life – and the least thought about that, the better – Buggy had been living the rest of it on a ship and he had had zero desire to change that going forward.
Maybe (no doubt about it) Buggy wasn’t the best pirate, but it was in his blood and he would die one.
Shanks is quiet as they walk, fingers interlaced, to the cabin. Buggy’s gotten used to him chattering, though he can be silent too, but it has a different weight. This one… Buggy knows their conversation wasn’t finished, but he doesn’t know if he wants to reopen it. He said his piece – if not fully –; it’s not his fault Shanks is too much of an idiot to understand him.
Always going on about how he wishes they’d stayed together the past twenty years… doesn’t he understand Buggy wouldn’t be Buggy if that had happened?
Okay, so maybe Buggy himself hadn’t reached this conclusion until the sixth time he heard a similar comment and finally truly thought of it and then got pissed off because where did Shanks get off, telling him he thought Buggy should have made a different choice twenty years ago!? As if Buggy hadn’t made a perfectly reasonable decision back then that had led to a pretty great life! With some mishaps here and there, but that was just how things went.
Buggy unlocks the door and goes straight to the bedroom, sitting down by the dressing table to start removing his makeup. He thinks he’ll do something similar the next day; the purple on his eyelids was a good touch.
Shanks sits down by the armchair that he dragged from the living room so he could be a creep and watch Buggy do this. After the fourth night, Buggy had asked, “aren’t you bored yet?” to which Shanks had replied with a far too earnest, “never”.
Buggy could puke from his mushiness, honestly.
Buggy starts from his forehead, the crossbones slowly disappearing. Then he removes the red around his lips, though he leaves the lipstick.
Throughout the whole process, Buggy can feel Shanks’ eyes on him, though he doesn’t do him the satisfaction of turning to him. He already knows what he’ll find, anyway; Shanks will have his elbow bent on the arm and his head will be resting on his fingers.
Finally, Buggy is as done as he will be, and he turns to Shanks. He raises an eyebrow and Shanks’ lips twitch but he still says what he always says, first in the morning, after Buggy has finished the look for the day, and at night, once he removes it: “you look beautiful.”
Buggy rolls his eyes; the first time he’d yelled at him, feelings his cheeks traitorously reddening (though the makeup had hidden it), by the third day he’d just grumbled and now, he rolls his eyes and says, “of course I am.”
Shanks smiles, then leans forward to take a hold of one of Buggy’s hands, brings it to his mouth to kiss the back of it. “Always.”
Seriously, the man has a problem.
Shanks starts playing with his fingers and Buggy detaches his hand, but Shanks doesn’t lean back to sit more comfortably, deciding instead to keep the closeness between their faces. Buggy should have known he wasn’t going to let the subject drop. That would have been too easy.
“Spit it out,” he says, “I’m tired and want to sleep.”
Shanks nods but it still takes him several moments to finally talk; he’s lucky Buggy is in such a generous mood. “I just want to understand what you said. It’s okay that you don’t wish we’d stayed together the past twenty years, I don’t mind. But… you think you would have been worse off with me? Why?”
Buggy makes a face as Shanks says with me because the man’s voice freaking breaks over the words; he’s such a soft heart, Buggy doesn’t know how there’s anyone in the world that fears him (okay, so maybe Buggy doesn’t completely hate that he’s one of the few people that gets to see Shanks for who he really is and not the picture he offers the rest of the world but he’s never saying it).
“It’s not about you,” Buggy says, bitten off, even though he’s not feeling particularly mad. More like… frustrated. Why do they have to talk about this? Shanks wishes they’d stayed together the past two decades, Buggy doesn’t. The end, what’s more to discuss?
But there Shanks is, just staring at Buggy, - his eyes seem wider than usual, honestly – and oh, right, they’re trying this thing of having a… mature and healthy relationship. Ugh, just the thought makes Buggy want to barf. What’s the point, really?
Shanks clearly doesn’t agree with him. Buggy goes to cross his arms, pulls his hand towards him and Shanks lets it go. He knows he can tell Shanks he doesn’t want to talk about it and the man won’t push it. But he’ll clearly keep thinking about it and hey, Buggy is a master at ignoring what he doesn’t want to deal with but… maybe, if there’s anyone in the world that he’s going to open up to… it makes sense it would be Shanks.
Who else is there, anyway? And no, this isn’t Buggy feeling self-depreciative. This thought is, in fact, exactly the point. Buggy has not shared his true self with anyone in years; oh, he’ll share aspects of himself. Cabaji and Mohji, being his oldest crew members, were unfortunate witnesses to Buggy bumbling his way to becoming a true captain.
Buggy’s nice enough to have let them live through it and, nowadays, doesn’t completely hate how they know him better than most… But they sure as hell would never try and have a conversation about feelings with him!
No, no, the reason why they’ve always gotten along well is how similar they are, especially when it comes to being selfish and looking out for themselves. Buggy doesn’t blame them for it, not when he’s the same.
“I wouldn’t have made a place for myself,” Buggy says, and he’s pretty sure he said something similar at the beach. It’s Shanks’ own damn fault he didn’t understand him in the first place. He seems to be under the impression the two of them are… soulmates, or something very like it, so shouldn’t he understand Buggy without words? “I would have just had the place you made for me,” he speaks slowly, thinking of the words as they come out because it’s not like he’s spent that much time thinking about this; not like Shanks, clearly. Seriously, did he do anything the past twenty years that wasn’t mooning over Buggy? No wonder he lost an arm.
“It wouldn’t have been a bad place,” Buggy says because credit where credit is due and he can just imagine Shanks treating him like a queen. And, if they truly had stayed together, Buggy is sure he wouldn’t have minded that treatment. But it wouldn’t have been enough and he would have realized it sooner or later.
And even in this highly hypothetical situation, Buggy can’t imagine he would be any more open than he is nowadays, which means he would have just put it on Shanks, without actually explaining what he was blaming on him and it would have just been a huge mess, that would have ended with Buggy making a run for it in the middle of the night.
“When you say you wish we had stayed together all this time… what you really mean is that you wish I had stayed with you.”
Shanks blinks; he’s still not getting it. Buggy is one second away from saying fuck it and getting up but… maybe there is something to be said about… open communication or whatever the fuck they’re calling it nowadays. Buggy (and Shanks, despite how he acts) sure as fuck wasn’t raised like that but old dogs and new tricks and all that.
“It pisses me off. Like you’re saying I made a wrong choice twenty years ago and nothing I did since then matters,” Buggy spits out and Shanks’ eyes widen. He leans forward, opens his mouth but Buggy waves his hand to get him to wait for him to finish. “I know that’s not what you’re trying to say, but it’s what it feels like.”
Huh, maybe this actually isn’t so awful… No, never mind, Shanks is looking like Buggy broke his last sake bottle.
“Forget it,” Buggy says, even though he knows it’s too late but he still gets up.
“Buggy,” Shanks says, hand on Buggy’s, pulling it down and Buggy could simply detach it. Hell, Shanks can keep it the whole night while he goes to sleep on the Big Top. Instead of doing that, Buggy sighs and sits back down. He definitely didn’t use to be such a softie. Shanks is ruining him; disgusting.
“I-” Shanks stops and it isn’t every day one gets to make an all-powerful pirate (Buggy is never, ever calling that to Shanks’ face) unsure of himself. “I have all your wanted posters,” Shanks finishes and Buggy blinks because…
What.
…
WHAT!?
“You… WHAT!?” several pieces of Buggy’s body detach, including his head, though his hand stays in Shanks’.
“I kept all your wanted posters. I… fifteen years ago, I moved to the East Blue in hopes of meeting you, because I knew it’s where you were. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel like I don’t respect your choices. I… All I’ve wanted was for you to be by my side. Or me by yours. Which… always felt like it would be the same. But I see now that it wouldn’t. I’m sorry.”
Buggy wants to shake the man. Especially as he looks like he’s genuinely done something wrong. And hey, usually Buggy would be all for it – if not this, he can easily find something else to pin on Shanks. But this… misunderstanding, or whatever one wants to call it, is not just on Shanks. A big part is, of course, this is Shanks, he’s an idiot, but Buggy is a big enough man to see when he’s at fault.
Of course, it’s very rare he actually says any of that out loud – actually, he can’t remember the last time he did it. Pretty sure it was before he became a captain – but, fuck it, there’s a new Pirate King, he and Shanks are actually trying the whole “being together” thing, Buggy can try and share some of his feelings.
It doesn’t mean he’ll like it! Shanks better appre-fucking-ciate everything Buggy does for him.
“It’s not your fault,” Buggy says in a low tone; his right knee is still somewhere else. Shanks blinks. Buggy rolls his eyes, “it’s not like I’ve said anything before. I get what you were trying to say. And I guess…” Buggy makes a face, “it’s kind of romantic, that you were always thinking of me. And creepy! You’re definitely a creep. And obsessed.”
Shanks, the utter shameless man, just nods emphatically to Buggy’s words. Well, Buggy supposes someone as flashy as himself could only be loved all-consumingly.
“I’m still sorry I didn’t see your side of things,” Shanks says because he loves throwing himself on his own sword. Buggy rolls his eyes; he’ll never understand people like him.
“You’re not in my mind,” thank whatever deity is out there, “you can’t know what I’m thinking if I don’t tell you.”
Shanks makes a face at that, like it’s some type of crime that he can’t read Buggy’s mind. Seriously, obsessed barely covers it.
Shanks opens his mouth but Buggy just detaches his hand to cover it with his palm. Enough is enough. Buggy’s throwing himself in the ocean if he has to keep talking feelings.
“We’re fine,” he says, recalls his knee, but not his hand, just gets up instead. From above, he raises an eyebrow at Shanks, “can we finally go to sleep now?”
Shanks nods and Buggy gets his hand back, having detached the other one when Shanks wouldn’t let it go. Shanks gets up, smiles.
“Thank you for opening up, Blue. I know… it isn’t always easy. But I appreciate it.”
Buggy rolls his eyes – if he feels somewhat proud of himself and kind of warm inside… well, no one needs to know that. “Yeah, yeah, we’re mature adults who can have serious conversations, whatever.”
Shanks’ smile grows, amused by Buggy’s words, who decides to be the bigger man and not start an argument over it. The next day, he definitely will. Right now… he’s tired. No one told him emotions’ talk was tiring. Ugh, why does Shank love it so much? Weirdo.
“However the past twenty years went… I’m just glad we’re here now. Together,” Shanks says because he is incapable of not saying something mushy every ten minutes.
Maybe… maybe it’s a sentiment Buggy shares, but he’s not going to freaking say it! He’s already said more than enough about himself tonight. And not in the way he usually enjoys, where he’s just stroking his own ego!
So Buggy doesn’t say anything, just pulls Shanks to bed and they finish getting ready and lay down, Shanks slightly above, with his arm around Buggy, whose head is on his chest – it’s comfortable!
“Me too,” he says in a low tone and Shanks doesn’t (have to) ask what he’s talking about. Instead, he just kisses the top of Buggy’s head, squeezes him even tighter, like he never wants to let go and Buggy closes his eyes.
Tomorrow is a new day. And they really do need to make some decisions about what they’re doing next. But Shanks is right: they’re together now and that’s what’s most important.
…
But treasure is still pretty damn significant and if Shanks thinks that isn’t Buggy’s priority anymore, he’s got another thing coming!