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Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death
-Ode to a Nightingale, John Keats
“Thank you, Levi.”
Those were the last words that Erwin was sure he would ever get to say to Levi, but still, he held onto the hope that a miracle would happen.
It would take a miracle to pull this off.
All around him, all he could hear was the cacophony of thundering hoofbeats, the terrified whinnying of the horses, and the even more desperate cries of his comrades. His comrades, whose fates he had doomed with his glib lies of valour and honour.
There was no honour to be won ahead; there was only certain death, looming, as tangible as any titan.
Still, his soldiers valiantly charged forward at his orders, placing absolute trust in his directions. If he had the time to reflect, he would no doubt have cursed himself for how easily he discarded the lives of his fellow soldiers. How many had fallen at his command now? One more mission, a hundred more souls he was indebted to. The worst part, he felt, was that his heart was not in this mission. His heart had long been left behind, back to that final conversation with Levi before this madness started, back at Shiganshina where the basement was, back when his father had first told him about his theories of humans beyond the walls. This was no place for self-admonishment though, and he had a promise to keep to Levi. Levi had entrusted him with this final mission, had trusted him enough to leave his dreams behind, just this once, for humanity. After all the burdens that he had forced onto that man’s shoulders, all the pain he had inflicted, it was the least he could do.
There was to be no honour to be won for him, but he could at least honour his promise to Levi.
The first wave of debris struck; around him, soldiers crumpled like ragdolls, their last pleas for justice still etched upon their lips. Erwin could not bring himself to look at the fallen, to look at their faces. He had no doubt that their eyes would be filled with reproach, with accusations of what did we die for and was this all worth it, was betraying your comrades for your selfish dreams worth it in the end? He steeled himself and ordered his men to advance, again and again, losing track of how many waves had hit them. It felt like no time had passed; it felt like an eternity. He wanted to survive this to the end; he wanted to deliver his soldiers from the living hell that they were trapped in.
When he saw the rock heading towards him as though in slow motion, he didn’t know whether to be petrified, or to be relieved. The force of the blow flung his body off his horse and sent him crashing to the ground. Strangely enough, Erwin could not feel any pain, but he also could not feel much of any part of his body, having had the breath knocked out of him. He felt a strong sense of deja vu as he watched his soldiers continue to advance without him, their battle cries never faltering. He was reminded of when his arm had gotten caught in the maws of a titan, except this time, he didn’t have to order his soldiers to leave him behind.
Erwin tried to push himself up with his remaining arm. His men needed him, he had to get back into the battle, even if to save just one life, and to buy Levi more time. His limbs, however, gave out on him before he was even fully off the ground. He seemed oddly off-balance, for some reason. Eyeing his body for wounds, he realised that there was an alarming amount of blood staining his torso. When he reached down to where the blood seemed to be coming from, he found a gaping hole in place of where solid flesh used to be. There was no way he would be alive for much longer, then. Erwin huffed out an approximation of a mirthless laugh, lying back and staring longingly at Wall Maria in the distance.
What a fitting end for me , he thought, to die with all the answers just beyond my grasp .
The world around him was becoming blurrier by the minute, and trying to think felt like trudging through mud. Fleetingly, he considered the titan serum Levi held - he could have another shot at his goal, if only Levi would find him in time. But Levi was miles away, felt like a lifetime away, and Erwin was probably the last thing on his mind right now, he told himself. Besides, he didn’t deserve another chance -- the bodies strewn across the battlefield were testament to that. Why should he be allowed to have a second chance when his men couldn’t?
Erwin turned his head and stared at where another soldier had fallen next to him, body mangled beyond recognition, but face still intact. She was so young, likely one of the hopeful recruits from the other branches who had joined them to retake Wall Maria.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely to her, “I’m sorry…”
Desperation clawed at his chest as he apologised again and again, until he no longer knew what he was apologising for. Was he apologising to his men whom he had failed on the battlefield? Or was it for his selfish goals, the father he had murdered, the friends he had let down… Mike, Nanaba, Hange… Levi.
His voice trailed off as the darkness finally, finally , granted him reprieve.
-----
The night before the expedition to retake Wall Maria, Erwin had been pacing restlessly in his office, unable to stop obsessively going through the minute details of his plans in his head. This was the final push, it was the pivotal expedition that would determine the fate of mankind, and in extension, his goal to reach the basement. There was no room for error, and everything had to be perfect.
He vaguely registered his office door creaking open, and a pair of booted feet stepping slowly into the room. Erwin continued pacing, caught up in his thoughts, until he felt a familiar pair of arms wind around him from behind. He paused, letting Levi press his face between his shoulder blades and huff a sigh against him.
Erwin smiled. Levi was always particularly clingy the day before an expedition, showing more physical affection than he usually would, and Erwin enjoyed basking in the extra attention. He tried to turn around to face Levi, but Levi only tightened his arms more, making an incoherent sound in response to Erwin’s breathless chuckle.
“What is it, Levi?” Erwin asked softly, hearing his voice echo in the silence of the night. Levi shook his head against him, then turned his head to lay his ear against Erwin’s back, listening for the steady thump-thump, thump-thump of his heart. Erwin felt an ache rising in his throat, knowing exactly what Levi wasn’t voicing, and knowing exactly what his reply was to the unanswered question hanging in the air.
Gripping one of Levi’s forearms, he brought Levi to his front. He released his arm and trailed his hand up until his fingers were brushing against Levi’s chin, tilting his face up so that Erwin could look into his eyes. In the warm lamplight of his office, those slate-grey eyes were tumultuous with unspoken worry. “I’m sorry, Levi, you know I can’t stay behind. I’ve been working towards this my entire life, and I’m so close to finally seeing the truth with my eyes,” Erwin breathed, pressing his lips into the parting of Levi’s hair and bringing him closer into his embrace, hoping to convey how important this was to him, how important Levi was to him.
“I know,” Levi replied, and then added, softly, “but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it.” He wound his own arms around Erwin and burrowed his head under Erwin’s chin, and all the tension seemed to leave his body. They stayed in each other’s arms for a moment, breathing synchronously. In the stillness of the night, it was easy to pretend that they didn’t have a major expedition the next day, that this could possibly be the last night they would get to spend together.
-----
He had a vague sense of someone shaking him and calling his name. “Commander, please, can you hear me?” a voice called from somewhere far away. “Shit, I have to get you to the captain.”
-----
Levi pushed away from Erwin and brought his hands to grasp the front of Erwin’s shirt. “Promise me that you’ll at least try to make it back alive.” Levi’s eyes searched Erwin’s beseechingly. “Please,” he added in a low, ragged whisper.
Erwin pressed his lips into a tight line, wanting to say yes and yet unwilling to lie to Levi. He pried one of Levi’s hands from his shirt and wound their fingers together, before bringing it to rest against his heart. Erwin bowed his head, the tip of his nose lightly brushing against their joined hands, silently begging Levi to understand. They both knew these empty promises held no meaning outside of the walls.
-----
Erwin could feel someone wrapping his torso, then himself being draped over their body. “Please, commander, try to stay with me. You have to live,” the voice pleaded, “or the rest of us are going to die. Just a little more, Captain Levi will know what to do.”
Captain Levi? Erwin tried to move his body, to speak, but his body felt weighted down with a thousand rocks. He wanted to protest, to ask the nameless soldier to save the titan serum for someone else who deserved it more than him, who didn’t have hundreds of soldiers waiting for him to repay his debts in hell. He didn’t want Levi to see him in this state, this sorry being, reduced to nothing but guilt and self-hatred, even though Levi had already seen that side of him countless times. He didn’t think he could bear to see the sympathy and pain in Levi’s eyes again, didn't think he could bear to burden Levi with his own battles anymore.
Please don’t be too angry with me, Levi , was the last conscious thought he had before he went under again.
-----
That night, when they finally went to bed, Erwin found himself unable to fall asleep, even with Levi’s comforting warmth and presence next to him. He tried to keep himself as still as possible, feigning sleep, but Levi, as always, saw through him with ease. He heard the faint rustling of sheets as Levi turned on his side to face him. Levi squinted his eyes as he considered Erwin for a moment, before reaching out to brush the hair out of Erwin’s eyes, murmuring, “Hey, Erwin… what do you want to do once we win the war?”
Erwin smiled at him, grateful for the fact that Levi always found a way to distract him. He replied, “That’s a long way yet, Levi.”
“Humour me.”
“Well… I would definitely like to see the world for myself. But, after that… I think I would have liked to become a teacher, like my father was,” Erwin said, “what about you, Levi?”
“Tch, figures that you would want a boring-ass life after all this titan shit,” Levi said. The skin between his brows scrunched up for a moment, as he appeared to think about his answer. “I guess I'd just have to follow you wherever you go, just to make sure you don’t die of boredom like a sad old man.”
His words were harsh, but his tone held no bite, and the look in Levi’s eyes was soft and unguarded as he gazed at Erwin. In response to his words, Erwin felt his heart clench; a feeling he had long since become familiar with and associated with Levi’s unusual brand of affection. He couldn’t help but lean in to kiss his companion, and Levi arched eagerly towards him, tangling his fingers into blond hair. Pulling back, Erwin said against the other man’s lips, “I would love to have you there with me, Levi.”
This time, Levi was the one who initiated the kiss, his lips searching out Erwin’s as their legs entwined under the sheets.
As usual, there were many unspoken words that went into their touches, a litany of ‘be safes’ and ‘I love yous’. But what Levi didn’t know was that Erwin had begun to say his goodbyes that night, brushing them as feather-light kisses against his lover’s eyelids, his cheekbones, the dip between his collarbones.
The skin right above his heart.
-----
“Don’t you dare say goodbye to me just yet, Erwin,” Levi choked out quietly. Erwin felt a strong grip on his arm, and he tried to lift his head, to tell Levi that everything would be alright, but when he opened his eyes, he found himself not looking at Levi, but at his father.
He was all but ten again, in a classroom on a bright, sunny afternoon, and his father was explaining about the humanity’s extinction outside of the walls. There was a surreal quality to his surroundings; the colours were a little too vibrant, the light a little too bright to be entirely natural, and had his father always been this tired-looking? But there was no time to dwell on it; this was one of his favourite topics to learn about. Erwin listened attentively, finding the history of the walls fascinating. His father had told him stories at home, stories about the world before humanity was caged, of towering, ice-capped mountains, mountains that spewed liquid fire, and vast bodies of salt water that would extend in every direction as far as the eye could see. Erwin longed to see all that for himself one day, to venture outside the walls and discover the remnants of the past.
And yet, there was something niggling at the back of his mind…
“How do we know that all the humans outside the wall have been exterminated? Has anyone been able to verify this outside of the walls?” Erwin asked with his hand raised. Around him, his peers gave him disbelieving and scornful looks, too used to his strange questions in class, but Erwin did not let himself flinch under their scrutiny. His father turned to him and opened his mouth to reply. However, the voice that came out of him was not his father’s, but Levi’s.
In his mind’s eye, the scene changed, and there he was, standing right in front of him. Levi, against a stark backdrop of white. His face was one of placid calm, but his tone, when he spoke, was one of quiet pleading.
“Erwin… I promised you that I'd take down the Beast Titan, but it seems that it'll take a while longer.”
He held out both his arms - there was something wrong about that image, but he couldn't quite remember what - urging Levi to move into them. He wanted to tell him not to worry, to tell Levi to take as much time as he needed, that he believed in him. There was an urgency to reassure him, that no matter what happened, he would still stand by his promise to save humanity tog-