Chapter Text
It was a beautiful, sunny day.
Chuuya was walking leisurely through the trees; he was on his way to meet Dazai, who was surely already waiting for him at the hideout, about 2 kilometers from where he was now.
The mission wouldn’t start until the following evening, but once again, Mori and Fukuzawa had abused their positions as leaders to force him and Dazai to spend time together, just to see the chaos that would ensue.
But this time, Chuuya intended to be perfectly courteous and professional.
Especially since he was in an excellent mood, and this little walk was finally easing the tension that constantly weighed on him. Being an executive in the Port Mafia was no walk in the park.
“This spot would be perfect for a little picnic with the whole team…” Chuuya thought.
“A picnic? Wha“t’s that?” Arahabaki asked.
Chuuya sighed. Of course, the God had chosen one of his rare moments of calm to start chatting.
“It’s a meal outdoors” Chuuya replied.
“Hmm, it lacks destruction…” lamented Arahabaki.
Obviously, for the God of Destruction... a picnic was completely uninteresting. Chuuya’s thoughts then turned to a certain Mackerel.
Despite the ridiculous pressure from the Boss and the Agency Head, he was happy to see that idiot Dazai.
Even though he was incredibly annoying and had a knack for driving him crazy, it was still a pleasure to reunite, even if only for a few days, as the Double Black duo. It was like coming home after a long day. But Chuuya would never admit it—he’d rather eat his hat! He’d also never admit to feeling anything for a slimy fish.
“Aah… Here we go again…” sighed Arahabaki.
“Huh?”
“You’re thinking about that unbearable mortal again. Seriously, I don’t know what you see in him.”
“Mind your own business! It’s none of your concern! Besides, a little silence in my own head wouldn’t go amiss, thank you very much!”
“If I could do without those kinds of thoughts, believe me, I would! Alas, we’re stuck together, so it does concern me. But I must admit that the denial you wallow in when it comes to that idiotic mortal is quite entertaining, even hilarious.”
Chuuya froze, without answering, because Damn it! That stupid God was right. So he resumed walking, enduring Arahabaki’s snickering for the next few minutes.
There were 500 meters left to the meeting point.
Chuuya spotted Dazai, leaning nonchalantly against the cabin that would serve as their hideout for the next 48 hours.
At least that idiot wasn’t hanging upside down from a tree. It was a real relief; Chuuya didn’t need that suicidal nonsense today.
“Wait...” Arahabaki said suddenly.
“What is...” Chuuya began.
“I have an idea... Something that might help you... You, my faithful servant, could really use it, and I'm feeling generous today.”
Chuuya stopped, walked over to the nearest tree, and used his gravity to climb up to the highest branch.
“I’m listening. You have five minutes” he said, lighting a cigarette.
Dazai was eager to see Chuuya.
He saw him walking toward him, and his stupid heart skipped several beats; the idea of spending time with his partner made him completely malfunction.
“Former partner...” he corrected himself mentally.
But at that moment, he saw him stop, change direction, and perch on a tree using his power.
“Strange… What on earth is my Chibi up to?” he wondered, perplexed.
“…I’ll help you with that stupid mortal. You’ll have to repeat to him word for word what I tell you, as if they were your own words… And I can assure you that this will move your relationship forward” Arahabaki finished.
Chuuya was stunned. Had he gone mad? Or had he died and been transported to hell? Yes, it had to be something like that, because the very idea of listening to advice from a God of Destruction to try to improve things between him and Dazai was clearly pure madness.
“Think about it... it’ll be fun, for both of us... He’ll be so confused he’ll completely lose his bearings.” Arahabaki added.
“And since when did you become an expert on human relationships?” Chuuya retorted.
“Unlike you, I pay attention to conversations, so I've absorbed the wisdom of the masked lady every time she's shared it.”
"The wisdom of the masked lady?? Wait... Wait... Wait! Are you talking about Gin-chan??"
“Well, yes. Her knowledge in this area is exceptional.”
Damn it... Chuuya was going to kill Gin-chan, but first, he’d make her eat her damn magazines.
“If you want, we can make a deal” Arahabaki suggested.
“Go ahead...” Chuuya sighed.
“You agree to play along. For my part, I won’t make you say anything you don’t want to reveal, and to prove my goodwill, the next time you use my power, I’ll heal you faster. Deal?”
“Heal me faster? You can do that?”
“Of course, I’m a god!”
“Then why don’t you usually do that?”
A silence...
A sigh...
Then: “Mori...”
A multitude of questions jostled in Chuuya’s mind, but he doubted he could extract any more information from Arahabaki for the moment.
“All right, but I have one condition.”
“What is it?”
“After this and the mission... you’ll explain it to me.”
No need to specify what he was talking about; the God understood perfectly.
He growled, then: “Deal.”
Chuuya wondered how he was going to handle this, given that he got incredibly angry very quickly in the mackerel’s presence.
“I can handle this...Most of your anger is directed at me.”
Of course! It made perfect sense.
“Alright, let's go!” said Chuuya.
The day was shaping up to be an interesting one.
“Tell him: ‘Hey, handsome!’” ordered Arahabaki.
“Huh??”
“Come on... come on... we have a deal, don't act like a prudish little girl.”
After killing Gin-chan, Chuuya would kill Arahabaki.
Dazai watched Chuuya approach.
“Finally!” he thought. Before he could say a word, Chuuya said to him:
“Hey, handsome!”
Instantly, Dazai’s brain stopped working; he was speechless...
He blinked once... twice...
“What?”
“Actually, he really does look like a mackerel...” Arahabaki commented.
Chuuya snorted and snapped:
“Hey, Mackerel, have you lost your tongue?”
Dazai, completely flustered, was a magnificent sight.
Not even ten billion of the greatest works of art could surpass it.
In the end, this was all going to be insanely exciting!
“Hmm, hi, Chibi” stammered Dazai. He had regained his composure and retorted:
“I didn’t expect my dog to have learned manners. Did someone sign Chuuya up for obedience classes?”
“Smile and wink at him.”
Chuuya, who under normal circumstances would have told Dazai to go fuck himself and kicked his ass, complied and watched with a certain satisfaction as confusion settled into Dazai’s gaze. Since when had Arahabaki been so good at throwing mackerel off balance?
“What on earth is going on?” Dazai wondered. His thoughts, usually so orderly, were in disarray.
“Well, shall we go in?” he said, acting nonchalant, straightening up and walking toward the door.
“Brush your hand against his!”
Just as he passed by Chuuya, he felt his Chibi’s hand brush against his and froze up again. He stood there like an idiot.
“Yeah, let’s go in” said Chuuya, and he walked past him, looking completely relaxed. Just before opening the door, he turned around and asked him:
“Have you been waiting long?”
“Hmm... about an hour, I’d say” replied Dazai.
It was 10:30 a.m. They were supposed to spend nearly 48 hours together, and Dazai wondered how on earth he was going to survive that if his Chibi kept acting this way toward him.
It bothered him so much that he wasn’t paying attention and bumped into Chuuya, who hadn’t even stepped through the cabin door yet. He stumbled and was about to fall flat on his face when he felt two hands catch him—one on his shoulder, the other on his waist. He blushed like a little schoolgirl and lowered his head so his embarrassment would go unnoticed. He mumbled a barely audible “Yes” when Chuuya asked if he was okay.
When Chuuya removed his hands, Dazai felt like he was on fire where they had been.
“Slugs produce too much slime” he complained.
He was totally screwed, wasn’t he?
The cabin looked like any other cabin. The interior was clean; the kitchen on the left seemed functional, and to the right was the living room, with a sofa and a TV—there was even a Switch and two controllers sitting on the coffee table. There was no dining table, just bar stools; the kitchen island would be plenty big enough for them to eat their meals. At the back was the bathroom, basic, with a washing machine, a laundry basket, a sink, a shower, and a bathtub that looked gigantic. A small room next to it contained the toilet.
In fact, the layout bore a striking resemblance to Chuuya’s penthouse, give or take a few details, and in miniature form.
Behind the last door was the bedroom. It featured, of course, a single king-size bed, two nightstands, and a walk-in closet. When they peeked inside, they saw it was surprisingly well-stocked. Sheets, casual day and night clothes, in two different sizes, and a bit too many for a short mission. They exchanged a glance. Arahabaki grinned like an idiot.
“Well, let’s see what’s in the kitchen” said Chuuya. Dazai nodded.
An inspection of the kitchen confirmed their suspicions. Everything was too well-stocked; there were all their favorite items, including whiskey and wine. This mission was getting really suspicious.
~~Meanwhile, in a tea room in the center of Yokohama...~~
Mori Ogai slowly stirred his tea with his spoon, lost in thought. Chuuya and Dazai must be together right now; he wished he could be a little mouse so he could spy on Double Black. That killjoy Fukuzawa had refused to install cameras in the cabin, claiming they weren’t voyeurs. It was so frustrating!
The Port Mafia boss looked up when Fukuzawa cleared his throat.
“Do you think things are going well between them, Ogai?” he asked.
“Hmm, in the worst-case scenario, they’ve already figured out the deception and ravaged the forest” Mori replied.
Fukuzawa let out a small laugh.
“They’re going to be furious with us, aren’t they?”
Mori thought for a moment, then said:
“That will depend on how things unfold.”
“I meant… regarding the imaginary mission…” Fukuzawa clarified.
“Oh, right” Mori chuckled, “that is indeed possible.”
~~ Back to the cabin... ~~
All the pieces of the puzzle had already fallen into place in Dazai’s mind. There was no mission; the Boss and the Big Boss, damn them, had set them up. He wondered if Chuuya had figured it out too. He thought so, because his Chibi was far from stupid.
Under normal circumstances, he would have found the situation they were in amusing. But nothing was normal today, especially his Slug’s behavior. Usually, the guy would get angry, yell at him, and try to hit him. But this time, he was acting differently, and Dazai didn’t know how to interpret this change in attitude.
“Hey Mackerel, what do you want to eat?” Chuuya asked him.
“I’m not hungry” Dazai replied.
“Alright, a crab dish then” Chuuya sighed, and he began preparing the vegetables while the water for the noodles heated up.
Dazai sat down on a stool and watched Chuuya; the light reflected off his red hair. He was so handsome when he was focused like that on a task—Dazai could have admired him like that until his death. Come to think of it, that was a good idea for suicide: to waste away while gazing at his Chibi, like Narcissus looking at his reflection in the stream.
“Ask him if he likes the view!” Arahabaki said suddenly.
Chuuya did so, turning toward Dazai and looking at him; he couldn’t help but notice the impact of his question. He’d felt Dazai’s gaze on him ever since he’d started preparing the meal.
Caught red-handed, Dazai blushed, his stupid brain went blank (again!), and regaining his composure as best he could, he replied:
“I was just thinking that normally, it’s the masters who feed their dogs, not the other way around.”
Chuuya burst out laughing, and this time, it was Dazai’s heart that stopped beating.
“Look at that idiot, all sheepish!” Arahabaki roared with laughter.
Chuuya laughed even harder; Gin-chan’s wisdom really was a marvel!
“Chibi’s making fun of me…” Dazai whined.
“The mackerels are hilarious today,” Chuuya replied. He regained his composure after a few minutes, almost on the verge of tears.
“His eyes are so bright; Chibi is mesmerizing…” Dazai thought. Chuuya’s beauty completely captivated him.
“Let’s eat” Chuuya said, setting the bowls on the counter.
“Hand him the chopsticks by brushing against him.”
When Dazai reached out to take his chopsticks, Chuuya’s fingers lingered on his palm, gently caressing it. Once again, Dazai froze, completely thrown off by the softness of the touch. The slugs were a real threat to the mackerels.
“Eat, you idiot!” Chuuya snapped at him, a smirk on his lips.
And Dazai obeyed. The Chibi had just reduced the famous and terrifying demonic prodigy to the state of a shy young girl. He couldn’t think straight anymore. Chuuya was driving him completely crazy, and he hadn’t seen that coming at all.
Chuuya watched Dazai; he looked completely and hopelessly lost, and it was an exhilarating feeling. Seeing his partner in this state was new to him; he’d managed to unsettle Dazai before, but never to this extent. He decided to spare Gin-chan and Arahabaki.
“I have to admit that this deal was a good idea after all...” he said to Arahabaki.
“Isn't it?” replied Arahabaki.
“Yeah... Who would've thought that the mighty God of Destruction would be so talented at flirting? Should I call you the God of Cuteness from now on?” Chuuya sneered.
“Pfff... don’t even try! Besides, I’m doing this for you!”
“How sentimental!”
“Silence! You stupid mortal!”
“Oh, watch out, you’re starting to talk like me!”
“Damn it...”
Chuuya smirked inwardly.
~~ Armed Detective Agency offices, at the same time...~~
The door opened and Fukuzawa walked in. His gaze met Ranpo’s.
“Oh my god! You did it, didn’t you?” the latter exclaimed.
“Did what?” asked Atsushi.
No answer was given; Fukuzawa simply crossed the room, looking guilty, and took refuge in his office.
~~ Port Mafia Headquarters, at the same time...~~
“Good morning, Boss. Is Chuuya-kun and Dazai-kun’s mission going well?” Hirotsu asked him.
“Hmm, yeah... I guess?” Mori replied.
Hirotsu could tell from his evasive gaze that something was wrong. Slowly, he turned to the person next to him. They exchanged a glance, then Kouyou said:
“He did it, didn’t he?”
“I’m afraid so...” Hirotsu confirmed.
Akutagawa wasn't eavesdropping... He had just happened to be passing by, and of course, when he heard “Dazai,” he stopped to listen. No, he wasn't obsessed with his former mentor at all. He took out his phone and selected the contact “Jinko.”
Hey Jinko, I think Chuuya-san and Dazai-san’s mission is fishy!
Akutagawa?
Who else, you idiot?
Don’t insult me!
Do you have any info?
Maybe…
Spit it out!
Don’t give me orders!
My patience has its limits, were-tiger!
Ranpo-san said something...
??
Hold on, I’m getting to it!
Jinko...
He told the boss: “Oh my god, you did it, didn’t you?”
And?
That’s it... The boss didn’t say anything.
Your info is totally useless...
But he looked...
Speak up, damn it!
Uncomfortable?
Is that a question?
No!
Thanks...
You idiot, Jinko
Pfff... you're welcome
Should we intervene?
Between Dazai-san and Chuuya-san?
Hmm... no, you're right...
Oh my god, you admit I'm right!!
Drop dead!
~~ Back to the cabin..~~
They had finished their meal and were now doing the dishes. Well, Chuuya was doing the dishes; Dazai was behind him, hesitating.
“If he gets close, don't struggle—let him touch you” advised Arahabaki.
“Why on earth would he...” Just as Chuuya voiced his thought, he felt two arms wrap around him; his breath caught in his throat when Dazai rested his head in the crook of his shoulder. Chuuya froze; he could feel the mackerel’s breath on his neck and shivered involuntarily.
“Thanks for the meal, Chibi,” Dazai whispered in his ear.
And for the first time that day, it was Chuuya’s brain that stopped working.
“Uh, you’re welcome?” Chuuya stammered.
They stayed like that for a few minutes; Dazai didn’t seem to want to let go of him. Chuuya’s heart was racing like a horse gone wild, bucking in every direction. Then, just as Chuuya was telling himself that this was it—he was about to lose his mind for good—Dazai pulled away, and thank God, Arahabaki returned.
“Shit! What am I doing?” Chuuya panicked.
“Calm down, calm down... Everything’s fine. Don’t let your confusion show.”
Well... It was kind of a mess. Dazai had totally caught him off guard and cut him off from Arahabaki. Damn power!
“What a tense moment!” Arahabaki teased.
“Tsk!”
The rest of the day went on a bit more normally for the duo; they’d been playing video games for hours. Obviously, Chuuya lost to Dazai most of the time, but for once, he wasn’t getting upset, and Dazai hadn’t even tried to drag him into any shady bets. Well, come to think of it, things were still not normal between them.
“Aaah! “My dog should know that his master will always have the upper hand, no matter what game we play!” Dazai gloated after yet another victory.
Chuuya turned toward him and pounced on him, all the while wondering, “What the hell am I doing?” and, to Dazai’s utter astonishment, bit him on the neck, right above his bandages.
Dazai let out a pitiful little yelp, all too aware of how close they were, and exclaimed:
“What the hell are you doing?”
Chuuya looked at him, then:
“Woof!”
They were still laughing a quarter of an hour later.
"I didn't know Chibi had rabies... I’m going to have to make an appointment with the vet” Dazai murmured thoughtfully.
“Go to hell, you idiot Dazai, you had it coming!” Chuuya replied.
After that, they each remained lost in their own thoughts. On one hand, Dazai wondered if his Chibi hadn’t completely lost his mind. Was he under the influence of some power? On the other hand, Chuuya told himself that all of this was the fault of Gin-chan and Arahabaki’s damn wisdom. In fact, he must have possessed him at some point, because seriously, what the hell was that all about? And the moment he thought that, the God appeared:
“Hmm, I never told you to bite him or bark, but I see you’re starting to manage just fine without my instructions—in a strange way, certainly, but it’s undeniably progress!”
“Uh… thanks?”
“Is Arahabaki bothering you?” Dazai asked.
“Huh?” said Chuuya. He hadn’t noticed the mackerel was talking to him. Damn, he was about to blow the cover!
“I said, is Arahabaki bothering you?” Dazai repeated.
“Oh no, I was lost in thought. Arahabaki is actually... hmm... pretty well-behaved right now, I’d say,” Chuuya replied.
“Okay,” said Dazai.
He felt the mackerel’s gaze sweep over him, but thank God (or Arahabaki?) he was a good actor.
The silence that followed was broken by the shrill ring of Chuuya’s phone; his expression visibly darkened when he saw the name displayed on the screen.
“Boss?”
“How’s the mission going, Chuuya-kun?” Mori asked.
“You mean the little vacation you organized for us with the Agency Boss?” Chuuya replied.
Dazai blinked and motioned for him to put it on speaker.
“Mori-san… no damage has been done, don’t worry… at least not yet… it pains me to say it, but a little rest with my Chibi is welcome… we’ll be back when the mission is over!” And he hung up.
“And now?” asked Chuuya.
“Now, we finish the mission, newly titled ‘Rest with a Slug’” Dazai sneered.
“I hate you, you jerk...” Chuuya muttered.
“Hmm, I know... Hey, Chibi, the bar was pretty well-stocked, wasn't it?” Dazai suggested.
Chuuya nodded and headed to the kitchen to pour them drinks.
“I'll let you take it from here, Chuuya” said Arahabaki.
" “Thanks...” replied Chuuya. He received no answer but felt a sense of calm.
A few minutes later, they were back on the couch, much closer this time—too close—and bickering over which movie to watch.
Dazai wanted to watch a documentary, but come on, who suggests that on a date? But wait, what is he talking about? It wasn’t a date… Well, technically, it was arranged by his boss—yuck, that was gross. Chuuya thought to himself that he was going to need therapy.
Chuuya wanted to watch one of those totally absurd French romances, and yes, Dazai was afraid that would make the situation completely spiral out of control, especially since his Chibi was starting to get drunk too, and my God, all of this was going to end badly (or well?).
They ended up choosing Snow White, because when Chuuya suggested it, Dazai got excited right away—it reminded him of the dead apple incident. They eventually lay down. Dazai savored Chuuya’s presence in his arms, his nose buried in his hair; he breathed in his scent like a man would if he were drowning and gasping for air to survive. His Chibi was pressed against him, and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world.