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She didn't mean to say it. She didn't mean it, well at least she wanted to wait for a better oportunity, when they were both lucid, fully awake, and probably with some more clothing on.
You are currently in some hotel in Paris, your head in her chest, wrapped in her arms, feeling more safe than you've ever felt in your short and exciting life. The room it's not fancy, nor luxurious. You didn't wanted anything too expensive, and you know she wouldn't say no to you. It was your idea, actually; to take a sabatic year and travel around Europe, before you had to come back to Silas and continue with your semester, as normally as you could. Even though Carm had many, many deegres, she insisted that she'll keep doing the philosophy PhD, and she was so happy, so excited when she told you this, that you thought your heart was gonna explote. You couldn't believe that this former broody, dark and misterious broken girl could be so carefree and young and imposibly beautiful. Inside and outside.
Which it's precisely what you're admiring right now. All thoughts of the previous night invade your mind, and you can't help the blush filling your cheeks and neck at the mere though of it. All those months spent in that library, when you where so broken and miserable that you couldn't admit your obvious love for her, all those angry kisses and rough sex, when you woke up with your body covered in bruises and bites, in a deliciously pain. Both phisically and emotionally. You were so wrecked and broken, that you never though the same person who fucked you up, could be the same who put your pieces together; one by one. So yeah, after all of that, every touch, every kiss, every hug, everytime you undress her and show her exactly how much you missed her, you cannot help but pour your heart and soul. That same heart that once was ripped out of your chest, quite literally.
So, you watch her in her sleep, as creepy as it sounds. You watch her hair. Ebony, curly, soft hair all over the pillow, you watch the little frown she does whenever she's dreaming about something weird or scary. You watch the tiny pout that forms in her lips, and you want to fight every single person, demon, vampire or god that ever wanna hurt her again. You were so caught up in the staring, sourranded by her body scent, and some other scents, that you almost didn't notice when she wakes up. Almost. Suddenly, she's awakening, smiling at you, looking at you through her eyelashes, with what could only be described as heart eyes.
But then those heart eyes turned Into a deeper frown than the one you saw in her sleep minutes ago, you realized she had a questioning look. You must have been too deep in though, when the confusion turned into worried eyes. Something you noticed, she did a lot after you died. In the next weeks after that, she would woke up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, screaming your name, eyes inyected with fear. Actual fear. Nightmares where she couldn’t get the riddle right, and you die. You spent those nights holding her tight against you, whispering again and again in her ears that you’re there, you’re alive and you’ll never leave her side. She would calm down eventually, you’d wipe her tears and kiss her goodnight, holding her head in your chest, because you found that she couldn't sleep without the sound of your heartbeat resonating in her ears.
You understood, when you saw that look, that she was beggining to worry, so you came up with that question that have been in you mind for weeks now, even months.
-”Do you ever regret becoming human?”
Probably not the best line to calm her nerves. She blinked in confusion a couple of times and opened her mouth to answer. Seconds passed without any sound and you, big rambling idiot you are, spill everything you’ve been building up for months.
-”It’s just that, you were a vampire, that fed off blood, a bloodsucking creature, killing everything you could just to survive. And you were a giant black cat! A really scary and fluffy and kinda cute giant cat, and a really badass and murderous vampire, bloodsucking creature, God did I already said that? You must really miss all of that, and the vampiric Constitution, and now you got headache, back ache and cramps and and and you can’t run at vampiric speed anymore and you had to get used to all this human stuff. Please stop me before I embarrass me more”.
You breathe through your nose a couple of times, and look at her while she’s trying to comprehend everything you just say, in one breath and non stop, because yeah, that’s you.
Her look changes from kinda sleepy, to a thinking frown, settling in a knowing look.
-”What?” she says with that raspy, I-just-awoke, sexy voice of her.
-”I - nothing, just to back to sleep”. You manage you say once you recovered the air in your lungs.
-“Sweetheart, you can't expect me to go to sleep again after that little speech of yours. What’s wrong, babe?”. She asks with nothing but concern in her eyes, holding me tighter against her.
I take a deep breathe and tell her everything that's been on my mind these past months. From my concern about her not liking this whole "being human thing" to every stupid fear. She listened to me intently, nodded when needed and even wiped some tears that started falling at some point, even though I don't know how that happened. It's like I've been boiling up all of this, and I didn't even knew I have in me. Finally, I ended my speech, and after taking a solid minute to let it all sink, Carm took my face gently in her hands, looked me straight in my eye and told me with all conviction she had in her
-"You idiot, how in could you ever doubt of me? Of this? That after everything we've been through, I wouldn't think that this is all worth it? Yes, I complain all the time about being human, and suffer all of that. And yes, I must admit that sometimes I actually miss being a vampire and scare little kids". A watery laugh escape my lips as she says this last part.
"But don't you ever think that I would regret this, all of this. Yes, I hate it sometimes, and I secretly love it, because Laura, my love, this is a beautiful gift. Don't you get it? I'm able to spend my entire life by your side, we can adopt a dog or a cat or whatever you want, I want to marry you, have your kids, or mine, not really sure how this human thing works on me, actually" she frowns and looks distant for a hot second, then she says "I don't care if they have your beautiful eyes, or my cocky smirk, as long as I get to live the rest of my life with you and them, in our own house, getting old together.. I would die an-"
-"Don't say that" I interrupt her with a sad smile, another tear treatening to escape by both her speech and that last sentence, my heart clenching at the mere though of her dying again, that time she spent two weeks alone in that cold pit, when I though she was death.
-"It won't happen ever again Laura, I'm right here and I'll always be, don't you ever doubt that."
-"I'm sorry Carm, I know this is kinda childish, but it's been bothering me for a while now, and I need to know you're okay with this." I simply reply, because after all she said I can't think of any other response to that.
-"I am more than okay cupcake, you know you can tell me everything that bothers you, anytime. I love you, so much, don't you ever think otherwise". I can't answer her with words anymore, so I just reach up with my hand on her right cheek, and kiss her. I kiss her like the first time, when I thought I was never gonna see her again, it feels like breathing. It happens everytime, and I can't help but fall more in love with her.
-"I love you too Carm, forever."
And I'll be damned if anyone ever keeps me from loving her.