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“Mike ,Mike don’t go just…just wait we can talk about it”-
“I don’t want to talk”
Those were the last words mike said to his wife before stepping into his Kia.
They had been fighting ,which was basically routine to them. He had found comfort in fighting ,in the confrontation, but he couldn’t handle it anymore.
He drove away from their house ,which he hated.
In his car ,which he hated.
Away from the domestic life that he hated.
Away from his wife and three children ,who he didn’t hate. However he wish that they were under different circumstances, he wanted to be nothing more then friends with the woman he married ,and he wanted to raise his kids with someone else then her. Maybe if that was the situation then they wouldn’t fight as much.
He didn’t think about where he was headed but he sure as hell wasn’t going to the place he had to call home.
He drove around the neighbourhood. The neighbourhood full of houses like his ,families like his. The neighbourhood full of everything Mike wheeler promised himself never to become.
Back in 1989 when Will came out Mike wanted to tell him that he reciprocated the feelings ,that he wanted Will ,that he wanted to be more to him then just his Tammy.
But he just couldn’t.
He had been reading about that lately, internalised homophobia, that’s what it’s called.
And Mike thought it’d go away if he stopped seeing Will ,so he did.
He hadn’t spoken to him in nearly a decade ,the last time being in 2016 ,he remembered that day like it was yesterday, he had written about it many times.
That day was all he had. Will got married that day, and Mike had lost all hope. He lost everything that day. He was building up the courage to confess when he had gotten a text from Will ,inviting him over. When he told Mike that he was getting married his soul was crushed. He didn’t know how to feel and beat himself up about it , ‘how could I have expected him to wait for me after all these years’.
He reacted so cold that will most likely thought that Mike was homophobic.
Mike thought about giving up that day. But he just couldn’t.
Now ,in September 2024 he wishes that he had.
He wishes that he ended it all that day.
The fight with his wife had been about something that he wish he could’ve prevented.
While they were having sex he had moaned Will’s name.
He thought about will every single day.
His focus returned to the road, he couldn’t be alone with his thoughts so he decided to turn on the radio
“It’s fine ,it’s cool”
Mike doesn’t know the song ,but he’s intrigued.
He speeds up slightly ,even though he knows that it’s dumb, it’s a difficult road to drive on ,he’s there every morning when he drives to his office job.
Of course he had to give up the last thing he had ,writing, for a job with a stable income.
“You can kiss a hundred boys in bars ,shoot another shot ,try to stop the feeling”
He pushes down on the gas pedal.
His thoughts are too loud. You know who would understand him ,Will.
For the first time in years a year rolls from mikes eyes.
“I’m cliche,who cares ,it’s a sexually explicit kind of love affair”
He has to bite on his lip in order to stop himself from crying out.
His glasses fog up ,another thing he hates ,the bluelight glasses that make him feel a decade older.
The glasses that remind him of his dad and his mom ,the glasses that remind him of all the empty promises he made to never end up like them.
“Think I’m gonna call it off ,even if you call it love ,I just wanna love someone who calls me baby”
He’s sobbing now ,mainly because he feels like he can never confess to Will now ,he owes it to Will to let him move on.
He can’t just choose when he wants to feel loved ,Will deserves better then him…he deserves-
“You can kiss a hundred boys in bars, Shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling ,You can say it's just the way you are ,Make a new excuse, another stupid reason”
Then Mike does another thing he never promised to do. He grabs his phone while still pressing down on the gas pedal as quick as he can.
He scrolls back all the way through his contacts until he sees Will.
He doesn’t want to text him but in this moment he has to or he fears he never will.
He only types in three words “I love you”.
Mike mouths the words one last time before pressing send.
Right as he does that he rushes towards the cliff he sees every day ,the cliff he’s considered jumping of several times. He drives towards it until he can hear and feel the rumble strips ,suddenly he feels the urge to turn around ,to delete the text and to save his textbook perfect life.
but it’s too late now. His car crashes through the guard rails at an immense speed.
His phone falls out of his hand.
He sees that Will texted him back but he can’t read it. He accepts his faith and closes his eyes.
He thinks about the gravestone he’ll get.
Michael wheeler-53-loving husband and father.
There’s something beautiful about death he thinks.
You get to decide when you want the memory of you to end ,when you want the pain you’ve caused others to end.
His memories flash through his mind.
The last time he hugged Will.
The last time they played dungeons and dragons.
The last time the whole party got together.
The last time he casually hung out with Will.
The last time he could’ve confessed.
The last time that he wrote to Will
The last time he saw will.
The last time.
“You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling”
What a beautiful last thing to hear he thinks.
He chose to stop the world but he could never stop the feeling.
Then there was just this antagonising pain, the emotional pain and the pain of a glass shard poking into Mikes chest.