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"Harry.. HARRY.. NO YOU.. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO US, baby. PLEASE.. I need you, Hazel needs you. We need you baby. Please don't do this" were the first string of words that left Louis' lips after he heard the news of Harry applying for Euthanasia.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. Not at all. It was supposed to be them, together for the rest of their lives, enjoying each other's warmth and affection. But a single moment, a few seconds and a person's careless driving was all it took for Louis and Harry's entire world collapsing upon themselves bringing in the worst possible scenario when Louis thought he would never get to feel the warmth of Harry's skin on his, breathe his presence, when he came rushing down to the hospital onto to see a dismantled body of his husband, his Harry.
Harry underwent several surgeries, his entire body bruised and covered in stitches and the only hope? The beeping sound of the machine that assured that his heart was still beating, that the life was still there. But, Harry didn't open his eyes, not when Louis was clutching onto the bed sheet, with red rimmed eyes and a wailing little girl in his arms. Harry didn't wake up when Louis stroked his bruised jaw, while his eyes glistened with unshed years. Harry didn't open his eyes for the first week, not even for the first month and the doctor almost gave up, gave up their hopes of ever reviving Harry back. But Louis held on, held on strong to bring his spouse back to him, summoning him back with a desperate plea.
So it definitely hurts now, when after six months of recovery, well not really a healthy recovery, just that Harry isn't dead. He is breathing, even though he curses himself every second of the day, wanting his life to come to a halt, he needed a release from this trap and Harry finally went and got it for himself. He was going to let go, and be free, free on his own terms because he didn't want to be a burden anymore. Harry didn't want Louis' entire life to revolved around wheeling Harry and taking care of him, but isn't that what people in love are supposed to do? Be there for each other?
"I am tired, Louis. I am tired of this life. I am tired of this dependency. I am tired of not getting to hold my daughter. I am tired of seeing you work yourself off only to provide the best for me. You don't deserve this", Harry whispered while a single streak of tear glided down his cheek.. "You deserve so much better", he completed his thoughts.
"Can you always not make decisions for me? This is my life, i get a say in it too. You don't get to decide that you want to take yourself away from me, away from us. You just can't do that, Harry. I need you, Hazel needs you. I can't do this alone." and Louis didn't know if he was angry or distressed. He just didn't want Harry to slip away, didn't want the only thing anchoring him to lose its grip. He just can't let that happen.
"But I want this-", Harry couldn't even complete his sentence before Louis cut in.
"You want this? What about what I want? Huh, Harry? What about what I need? Have you ever thought about it?", Louis' breathing came out labored.. "It's never about what I want. Its always about You and only You. When the hell did you become so selfish, Harry?".
Louis knew he didn't mean any of it, Harry knew it too but it still hurt. It still hurts Harry that he has got Louis so much invested in him that he refuses to see past the disability, that is Harry. But Harry was set on his decision. He applied for Euthanasia and he has six months before he was free, before his Louis was free.
"You are just fucking thirty five, Louis. Just thirty five. You have an entire life ahead of you, you have our daughter to take care of and raise her to be one of the best person on this planet. I don't belong here anymore, Louis. I just want you to let me go.", Harry would go down on his knees to beg, but only if he could. He didn't even feel any sensation anymore in his legs. His entire body was just a casing and nothing else.
"I don't want anyone else. I JUST WANT YOU, HARRY. I JUST FUCKING NEED YOU. I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH OF IT I GET, I'LL TAKE ANYTHING THAT I GET, HARRY. Why do you not understand that?", Louis' words came out as pleas and cries, begging Harry to just reconsider everything.
"Do you not see it? I can't do anything to please you, Louis. Not physically or mentally. I am incapable of everything that you deserve.", Harry kept strong to his words.
"So that is what it is? My physical pleasure is all that you can think about? What would it take for you to understand that i don't need any kind of physical pleasure? You being here is all that I plead for. That is more than enough to keep me grounded, to keep me happy", Louis knew that persuading Harry is next to impossible once he made his mind up, but a last push is worth it. Isn't it?
"I have taken my decision, Louis. I would love it if you support me through this. I need you to. Even if you don't, I am doing it either way,Lou.", Louis felt like someone stabbed a knife through his chest and keeps on twisting it.
"How many days?", Louis mumbled into thin air.
"Six months", Harry replied back.
"We were supposed to count the days together, Harry. It wasn't supposed to be me counting the days alone.",Louis whispered and It would be wrong if We said that Harry didn't hear it, because he did.
*******
March.
It has already been a month since Harry broke the news to Louis, breaking Louis in the process. They had five more months. 153 days more.
The past month have been incessant pleads for reconsideration from Louis to Harry. Even their best friends Niall and Liam kept begging Harry to reconsider the decision. But Harry stood strong as a stone wall, unmoved.
Its the first month of the countdown and Louis is out to run some errands while Harry was out in the balcony, sitting on his wheelchair while their five year old daughter, Hazel was busy filling the red colour in the tomatoes of her sketchbook.
"Hey, baby", Harry said.
"Yes, Papa. Do you need anything? Do I have to call Dada? Are you okay? " and Harry hated this, hated that he couldn't even start a conversation with her own daughter without making her panic.
"I am alright, doll. Just wanted to check what you were doing?", Harry asked her sporting the biggest grin on his face.
"Just colouring. Nothing much, Papa. Do you want to talk to me? I can do it later. I want to spend every single second with you. Dada said you were leaving us?".. That was the breaking point for Harry. To listen to his own daughter so vulnerable and distraught and him being the cause of it, it was enough for Harry to let go of those tears that clouded his vision.
"Papa? Why are you crying? I am s-sorry. Please don't cry. I'll go away, Papa. I won't bother you anymore but please don't cry." and Harry didn't even realise how he got so lucky to have got such a beautiful family.
But he just had 153 days more. He won't be here anymore. He was leaving. He just wished Hazel never forgets her. That even if Louis finds someone in the later time, he never forgets Harry. Harry didn't want to be a memory. He wanted to be alive, even after his presence.
"Come here, babygirl." Harry ushered the little girl to himself and Hazel plopped down next to Harry, snaking her arms around Harry's waist and pressing her cheek to Harry's chest.
"I want you to promise me something, okay? Promise me that you'll take care of yourself and your Dada. Promise me that your Dada won't have damp cheeks with tears, i want you to wipe them away even before they escape your Dada's eyes. Okay? Promise me you'll shine bright and make your Dada and me proud. Promise me.. Promise me you'll never forget me Hazel. Promise me. ", Harry didn't want his daughter to witness anymore of his breakdowns.
" I promise, Papa. But why can't you stay? I WANT YOU TO STAY, Papa. Please don't go.",Hazel mumbled along her father's chest only to receive silence in return.
Harry kept mum. Louis pretended to hear nothing from the other side of the door, holding every single piece of himself back.
******
April.
Louis has had enough. He has had enough with his persuading. He has had enough with telling Harry to reconsider. He now knows that nothing like that is going to happen. He won't be able to hold back the one person he wants the most in his life. He has had enough and he has accepted the brutal truth.
Louis had to make the rest of the days worthwhile and worth remembering for Harry. He wanted Harry to leave them with happy memories and not constrained happiness.
******
"Hey Niall. I kinda need your help. ", Louis wanted to spend every single moment he had, with Harry to make the memories to last him a lifetime after Harry.
"Yeah, sure. Anything, mate", Niall replied back.
"Uhh.. I NEED you to look after Hazel for a few days. I want to take Harry down to Cheshire to meet his family and ya know. We would have taken Hazel too but she has school and i really don't want to going through mental distraught. She is already a lot upset with Harry's decision.", Louis rambled to his best friend.
"Don't worry, Lou. I got you covered. And I would love to spend some time with my princess. Just tell me when and where and I'll come pick her up", and Louis was really thankful for having such a best friend.
"Tomorrow, Ni. We are leaving at around 10. So we'll drop her off at yours before that. That okay? ", Louis questioned even though he knew that Niall was more than okay.
" Yes, Lou. ", and the call ended with 'love you' and 'see ya', 'take care of yourself and Harry'.
After setting everything with Niall, Louis made his way to their bedroom to talk to Harry about it.
" Harold. Harold.. ", Louis called out even before entering the room.
" Hey Haz. I just got off the phone with Niall and he is taking in Hazel for a few days, so Harold Styles, we are packing our bags and I am kidnapping you to Wonderland.", Louis grinned while rambling about his plans, although his heart ached about the fact that he won't be able to do all this a few months later. He won't have anyone answer him back when he calls out the name 'Harold'.
"So, where we are going?", Harry asked nonchalantly.
"Cheshire. To see your mum and family.", Louis kept his gaze focused for any kind of rejection about the plan but all that he received was a casual shrug followed by an 'Okay' from Harry.
Placing a chaste kiss on Harry's forehead, Louis was off to pack the necessities and to warn their daughter about the week ahead. Louis knew his daughter was far more mature than her age and he didn't have to worry about anything but he didn't want to take any chances.
******
"Be good for Uncle Niall. Okay, baby? We'll call and skype and just seven sleeps until we get back to scoop you up and bring you home. Okay?", Louis explained to his daughter while Harry's gaze stayed fixated on his small fragment of HOME.
And after dropping their daughter off at Niall's, they were off to their week of adventure.
The first thing that Anne did when she saw the couple was burst into tears. And, well, it would be wrong if Louis said that he didn't expect it because he very well did.
"Hey Mum. Nice to see you too", Harry said jokingly.
"I missed you so much, baby.",Anne said wrapping her arms around her son, realisation hitting her hard that she won't get to do this after a few more months.
"I am here too, you know. I won't mind sharing some love and affection", Louis chimed in between the mother-son reconciliation.
"Oh, my baby boy. Come here", Anne ushered her son-in-law towards her, pulling him into a tight hug.
and that's exactly how the week started. It was nothing special, yet providing them the well deserved distraction and solace amongst all the ongoing stress and anxiety.
Louis took Harry to all the favourite spots that Harry used to visit whenever he visited Holmes Chapel. They sat under the star lit sky and just let the silence consume them. The feeling was nice.
On the fourth day, Louis broke. Again.
He didn't mean to eavesdrop, it was just a mere accident. Louis was just passing around Anne's room when he heard the muffled voices and the distraction came breaking down upon him.
".. no. NO, Mum. I am not here for you to force me to change my decision. I am set on it, Mum. Please accept it. I am doing it for Louis. He deserves the best, Mum. He deserves so much more than what I can offer him. He deserves to be touched and loved. He deserves to be pampered and taken care of. He is only thirty five, Mum. He has his entire life ahead of him. I don't want to hold him back.", Harry kept blabbering his selfless speech and Louis just wished Harry was selfish, just this once.
"Okay, baby." was all Anne replied back.
A week later and they were all packed to be back home and Louis was back to square one. Nothing helped, not anymore. He couldn't let himself take in the fact that Harry won't be there anymore. A handful days later and Harry won't be there anymore.
*****
May.
The fifth month of the year and the fourth month of the countdown passed along with doctor's appointments and regular visits to the hospital.
Harry's health deteriorated one night and Louis thought he lost him all together but well, Harry fought back, only to lose two months later.
*******
June.
The fifth month was filled with a short family trip with Louis, Harry and Hazel to their local park, with packed picnic basket and a joyous mind.
They couldn't go over board with any type of activity, that's what the doctor said. So Louis stuck to making small things to make Harry's stay worthwhile.
That day at park, Harry cried. That day at park, Harry said he didn't want to leave. Just a small paragraph with sketchy doodles and messy handwriting of their daughter was all it took.
"Papa.
Dada said that you were going and that I should be happy and show you how happy I am because he says that you are gonna be free. But I don't want you to go, Papa. I want you to stay and not be free. I want you to stay and make us smile. I want you to stay and never make us choose. I just want you, Papa. Me and Dada can't be family on our own without you, Papa. We need you. Please don't let us go."
And They cried. Together.
******
July.
Louis has 15 more days. Just 15 more.
"I can't do this, Niall. I can't lose him, not again. He says he is doing this for us, Niall. I don't see any good coming out of it. Please, Niall. Make him stay. Just, I don't know how, but make him stay.", Louis kept rambling, his tear staining Niall's shirt where his face was pressed into Niall's chest.
"I don't deserve this, Niall. Neither does Harry. It was supposed to be a happy day, you remember? The day of the accident? It was our three years anniversary. We were supposed to light up candles and celebrate, not end up with a life or death situation at hand", Niall kept stroking Louis' back while murmuring 'its okay' 'i know' 'shit happens'.
And that's when they saw Harry through the crack of the door, trying his best to muffle the unwanted whimpers that escaped his lips.
Louis didn't think twice before he untangled himself from Niall's arms and was running towards Harry taking up Harry in his arms and holding him close.
"I love you so much, Lou. So much. Please don't cry. Just stay strong for me, yeah? I wanna go away with happy memories" and that somehow made Louis cry even harder. They didn't know when the night rolled in or when Niall went home, but they stayed there like that, in each other's arms, relishing the feeling of each other, against each other.
******
The day.
Harry was located to his place where it was going to happen. Harry just called Liam one day and explained him everything and slipped out of the house in the middle of the night after seeing a peaceful looking Louis and Hazel passed out on their bed.
He has not called. He did not want to make it any harder than it already was. Nobody actually knew how it was going to happen. Not even Harry. He just knew that he was gonna be free, Louis was gonna be free as well.
"You have fifteen more minutes, Sir", the one in charge came to inform Harry.
*****
Two days ago when Louis woke up to an empty house, he cried. He sat on the edge of the bed, holding his five year old close to his chest and he cried.
It was finally the day today. He still doesn't know what is going to happen. He still can't take in the fact that he won't ever get to see Harry again. Never feel his presence as well. When the realization hit him again, he cried some more.
******
It was half past eight at night and Louis was sat on the edge of the sofa, knees close to his chest and Hazel was plastered to his side, both of them silent and unmoving.
"Do you not want to count the days together?", came a voice from behind Louis and he didn't even need to turn around to know who it belonged to.
"Harry.. "
"My fingers, Lou. I can move them a bit. I-" and all of them broke down into heavy sobbing, unable to decipher any kind of words to say.
After a few moments of crying, Harry eventually spoke up.
"I can feel my toes, Lou. Its there and I can feel them. I don't want to go, Lou. I chickened out. I wanna be selfish for this one time and not let you go, Lou. I wanna stay here you, my family and raise our daughter. I want you, baby. I want you and our daughter. I want to fight for you both and win it too.",Louis' heavy breathing came to a halt and he looked straight to Harry's eyes before scampering away from the couch and jumping straight to Harry's arms, peppering his face with kisses.
He still couldn't believe that Harry was there. He didn't leave. He was actually back to him. It was a start and Louis didn't want it to end.
Eventually, it went back to happy smiles when the three of them stayed in each other's arms, saying nothing at all. It was enough and they were content.
*******
"we were supposed to count the days together"..
... and that was exactly what they were going to do.