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The first odd question came on a seemingly normal day. They had spent the day doing some foundation things, Ilya seeming a bit off, but nothing that struck Shane as particularly odd. He got drained during social things too. Ilya normally didn’t, but they did have quite a bit stacking up lately.
When they arrived home, they had pretty quickly gotten ready for bed. Ilya had stayed pretty quiet, though he immediately laid across Shane’s legs when they got into bed. He had asked a few questions about Shane’s current book, but seemed to have lost interest after Shane said it was a biography.
“Shane.” Ilya mumbled, Shane feeling him shift slightly on his lap. It sounded slightly like an inquiry, like he was testing to see if Shane would respond. Shane glanced down at him, his fingers moving to turn the page of his book.
“Yes, Ilya?”
“Would you still love me if I was a worm?” He asked. There was a strangeness to his voice. And a strangeness to the question. Did Shane hear him right?
“A what?”
“A worm.” Ilya repeated. Shane furrowed his brows.
“A worm,” He repeated. “As in the animals that are in the ground? The pink things?”
“Mhm.” Ilya took a breath. It sounded off. Like something was wrong. “Would you still love me?”
“If you were a worm?” The question felt surreal. Like there was something more to it. Like there was something Shane was supposed to understand about it, that he didn’t. It was frustrating. “What does that mean?”
“If I was a worm, would you still care about me?” Shane closed his book, setting it aside. He glanced at Ilya, but Ilya was facing away from him, not looking at him. Shane wasn’t sure how to read it. “Like, if you became a worm?”
Ilya seemed to think this through, judging from the pause. “If I became a worm, yes.”
“If you became a worm…” he trailed off, thinking. He would, yeah. He’d love Ilya, regardless, but he’d be freaked out. Upset. He’d try to fix it at any cost. He needed Ilya to be with him always. He wanted to feel his skin against his, to be able to lean against each other on the couch while watching a movie. To go to the fridge and grab a coke and a ginger ale, or to have Ilya leave the room and do the same. He’d still love Ilya no matter what. Even if he was a worm, he guessed.
Maybe he took too long to answer, because Ilya cleared his throat before asking: “Would you be upset? If I was a worm.”
“Yes.” Shane responded. This felt easier to answer.
Ilya didn’t respond right away, at least not verbally. He felt a bit tenser in Shane’s lap, Shane gently stroking his hair. “Are you… planning on becoming a worm?” Shane asked, unsure of what else to say or do.
“No.” Ilya mumbled. He sounded upset.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” Ilya was still mumbling, and now he was moving off of Shane’s lap. “You can finish your book. I’m tired.”
“Ilya-“
“I’m tired, Shane.” He mumbled, laying next to him instead. At no point did Ilya turn to face him. He didn’t turn to wrap his arm around Shane, or to even throw his leg over Shane’s.
At some point, Shane had said the wrong thing. Fuck.
Ilya had acted weird the next day. Distant. They had still done everything in Shane’s routine, but it just felt… off.
Ilya had only teased him once. Was that a weird thing to get stuck on? Maybe. But Ilya always teased him. He’d tease Shane, chirp at him about something that was just mildly annoying, and then he’d wrap his arms around Shane and kiss his cheek.
Shane had only gotten 2 kisses on the cheek, and it was almost 8pm. And Ilya hadn’t done the usual sloppy kisses where he’d suck on Shane’s face. Instead, they were short. Almost like he had to. Like it was against his will.
Ilya didn’t even seem interested in cooking dinner, even though they always cooked together on their days off. Instead, Shane had decided to order for them, picking out a Russian restaurant and ordering Ilya an array of dishes he remembered him mentioning or eating before.
But here they were, sat at the dining table and Ilya was just picking at the food on his plate. He hadn’t eaten much. “Ilya?”
“Hm?”
“Are you okay?” Shane asked, watching his husband carefully. Ilya seemed to sit up straighter, and take a bite of potato piroshki. The dough flaked off as he did, and Ilya quickly wiped it with a napkin. Shane frowned. He always ate the little flakes.
“Mhm. Thanks for ordering this.” Ilya said.
“Ilya-“
“Do you like it? Russian food?”
“Yeah, it's good.” Shane said, watching as Ilya repeated the motion from before. It felt fake, rehearsed, like a performance. Shane wasn’t sure if it was for him or for Ilya. “Did you talk to Dr. Mochalina recently?” He tried. Ilya frowned at the question.
“Yes.” He said. Shane stared at him, trying to figure out if it was a lie or not. “A few weeks ago.” Ilya added.
“Your next appointment is coming up soon then, right?”
“She is… on vacation.” Ilya mumbled, poking at the food again. Shane watched as he flaked off part of the dough with a fork. “Why?”
“Just curious.” Shane said, nudging the unopened can of coke closer to Ilya. He hadn’t touched that either.
“Curious.” Ilya repeated, a bit monotonously.
“Mhm.”
“I’m fine.” Ilya lied. “Just tired.”
“That’s okay. We can go to bed earlier today, if you want.” Shane offered. “I can put the food away if you don’t want it-“
“No, it’s fine.” Ilya said, taking another rehearsed bite.
The next day, Ilya asked another strange question.
“Would you care if I exploded?”
Shane almost choked on his ginger ale. “What?!”
“If I exploded, would you care?” Ilya had an expression on his face that felt… uncanny. There was nothing to it. There was no anger, no happiness. It didn’t read as a joke. But Ilya’s face lacked intensity. It almost felt like he was just a shell. Like he wasn’t Ilya.
“Yes, what the fuck?” Shane asked. The question was weird. Would he care? Obviously. “What type of fucking question is that-“
“Are you upset?” Ilya’s voice was quiet. Small, even.
“Are you?” Shane asked, not sure of what else to say.
“No. Are you upset?” Ilya repeated.
“Of course I’m upset, why would you ask me that?” Shane huffed. “I would care if you exploded. Obviously.”
Ilya nodded, taking a slow sip of coke. “…Okay.” There was still something off. Something wrong. Shane furrowed his brows.
“Ilya, I would care.” He said, but Ilya just stood up and put the can into the recycling. “Ilya-“
“I’m going to lie down.” Ilya said, blankly. He headed up the stairs, leaving Shane at the kitchen counter.
He sat there in silence a few moments, before his mind started racing. Fuck.
He gulped down the last sip of ginger ale like it was a shot he was taking for courage or… something. He tossed the can in the recycling and rushed up the stairs, knocking gently before entering immediately.
Ilya was already laying in bed. The way he does when he’s upset. He was facing the wall, hiding his face from the view of the door. His body looked tense, and the blanket was pulled up so it covered most of him, only his hair peeking through.
“Ilya.” Shane said, testing to see if he’d react.
A breath rippled through Ilya. Like it was hard for him. Fuck.
“Yes?”
Shane got onto the bed, quietly laying next to him. “Ilya, are you okay? Don’t- don’t just say yes.”
“I’m okay.” His voice was shaky, and cracked slightly on the last bit. Shane scanned him, frowning. He was not okay. He wrapped his arms around Ilya, squeezing him slightly. “I’m okay-“
“I want to cuddle.” Shane interrupted. “You can just lay there. Is that… okay?”
“Yes.” Ilya said it softly, almost inaudibly. Shane gave him a squeeze again, trying to concentrate on how Ilya was moving.
His breaths were abnormal, staggered, like he was trying to hold back tears.
He was not okay, no matter how many times he said it.
They were silent for a bit, Ilya tense in his arms as Shane held him. “…Why’d you ask me that, sweetheart?”
“Hm?”
“If I would care if you exploded?” He clarified. “How would you explode?”
Ilya inhaled sharply, and the breath got caught midway. He exhaled shakily. “I wanted to know.”
“How would you explode? Like… permanently?”
“No. I don’t think so.” That filled Shane with dread, but he decided it was better not to pry when Ilya was already upset. “If I had a chance of exploding. And it’d be messy. Just whenever, I’d explode. And I’d be okay after, but there’d be pieces of me everywhere. And it’d be gross, and disgusting. Would you still care? Would you still-“ Ilya inhaled again, sounding choked up. “Would you still love me?” He whispered.
Shane frowned. Of course he would. Ilya was everything to him.
He must’ve taken too long to answer, because Ilya mumbled the saddest “Forget it,” that Shane had ever heard.
“I’d still love you no matter what.” Shane said. “If you randomly had a chance of exploding, I’d still care about you. You could explode into a thousand pieces, and I’d help you pick up every one. We could clean it up together, and if you’re too tired, I’ll clean it up.”
“You don’t have to-“
“I want to.” Shane said, squeezing Ilya again. “I’d help you get to the shower and help wash you off. And if you didn’t want to shower, you could just lay in our bed, and when you’re feeling better, I’d wash the sheets so you could rest comfortably.” Ilya was crying more openly now, Shane feeling him shake with tears. “I’d let you do whatever would make you feel better, but not if it’d make you feel worse. I know the differences, I think.” Shane hummed, kissing the back of Ilya’s head. “If you exploded, I’d be upset, because I care about you. Not upset at you. I’d be worried, but not angry.” He clarified.
Ilya didn’t respond, but he was crying, tears racking through him, shaking him. Shane squeezed him a bit tighter, holding him there. He liked weight when he was upset, so he hoped it helped Ilya too.
“And if you magically became a worm…” Shane continued, recalling their conversation from a few nights ago. “I’d still love you. I’d be worried, but we’d figure it out. I’d do everything I could to get you back to being a person.”
“Shane-“ Ilya sobbed.
“Let me finish, baby.” He said, kissing Ilya’s head again. “I’d try to help you, and if it just needed time, time for you to turn back, I’d sit there with you and take care of you. I’d do all the research, and get you the perfect worm conditions. I’d give you updates about everything, if you’d want them, and I’d let you crawl around wherever, if it was safe.” He thought for a bit. “I think I’d probably read you worm bedtime stories. You’d think they are boring.”
Ilya let out a laugh, Shane grinning. “I’d still love you if you were a worm. Or if you exploded. I’d still love you no matter what. In every universe, on every planet. Even if I was a worm, I’d still love you.” Shane clarified. “I love you.”
Ilya turned towards him, though it was a bit of a struggle since Shane was laying on top of the blanket Ilya had wrapped himself in. Ilya still managed to turn, anyway, burying his face in Shane’s chest. “я тебя люблю.” He said, his voice muffled by both tears and the fabric of Shane’s shirt.
“If you feel like a worm, or like exploding, it's okay.” Shane added.
“I don’t right now. Thank you.”
“я тебя люблю.” Shane said, but his pronunciation was probably bad. Maybe it’d give Ilya a laugh. He kissed Ilya’s head as Ilya sniffled.
“я тебя люблю.” Ilya said, and Shane could feel him smile against his chest. “I love you in every universe too.”
Shane smiled, gently running his fingers through Ilya’s hair. “Even though I’m boring?”
“Especially because you’re boring.”