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It was honestly one of the most idiotic solutions Derek had ever heard of. And that was saying something, because the moment he thought one thing, the entire list of every historic mention of that thing popped up in his head like an infinite series of pop-up ads. Only he couldn’t close them. He just had to ignore them. Or try, at least. Pops, huh. Fuck. Ow. Pops. Pops cereal is a corn-pop-puffed breakfast cereal great with milk or on its own. Holy shit! Get out of my head! Get out!
“Hey,” Oh, Avery. He was speaking. Avery. GCT. Stop. CGGTACT. Stop it. A palm on his arm. Up his arm. Shoulder now. Pressing down. “Derek, hey, stay with me. Did you hear what I said?”
“Mm,” Derek managed, blinking rapidly. He took several breaths. Those were good. G. Avery. “Yes. Yeah, Av’ry, I’m fine.”
Avery definitely did not believe this. He made a face, screwing up his mouth and looking at Derek all funny. He liked when Avery did this face. Like he was trying to figure Derek out. Wow, his head felt better already. Avery was talking! Again! His mouth was moving. Okay, focus.
“What did I say, Derek?” Derek shrugged, head blank for a fleeting moment.
“I’unno. Glasses?” He squinted at Avery, whose arms were crossed in front of his chest, freckles and moles decorating them all over. Derek wished he could wonder how far they went under his shirt, stopping at his bicep where the loose short sleeve fell, but he knew already. He knew everything. This sucked so hard.
“Yeah, glasses, dumbass,” Avery unfolded an arm and poked Derek in his forehead. This did not hurt. “Time to give in to capitalism and the age of AI, huh?”
“What?” Derek squinted even harder. Avery retracted his arm, rolled his eyes, and groaned. Oh, jeez, sorry for being a cripple, Avery.
“Meta glasses,” He specified, cringing as he said the words. “Looked into them online. They could, like, simulate the Minecraft environment while you’re doing other stuff. Might help the pain upstairs.”
Oh. Meta glasses. Derek stared into Avery’s eyes and did not look away because looking away meant the thoughts would all come back and right now he didn’t want that. He never wanted the thoughts, actually. He just wanted quiet. Avery made it quiet. Man, this sucked.
“That’s a good idea,” Derek finally managed, brows raising slightly as he let himself really consider it. “How much are they?” Derek already knew how much they were. He knew everything.
“Secondhand, probably a hundred bucks. More, maybe. But that’s easy money,” Avery shrugged. “If it helps, it’s worth it anyway, right?” He said with a shrug, a crooked smile on his perfectly freckled face.
God, Avery was too sweet. Like addictingly sweet. Like candy. Sugar. GT. Derek almost felt bad for falling in love with him the moment that stupid fucking gate in a video game cursed his mind with the forever always knowledge.
Derek pushed past the residual thoughts in his mind. If he wanted to get better, it meant ignoring the pain. The doctors didn’t find anything in his head, so it was all out of their hands. He had his medicine– or rather, Avery had his medicine. Derek was still prone to freaking out and going insane, so there was no way anyone was trusting him with self-medicating.
“Yeah, sure,” He nodded, eyes still locked on Avery’s. “Once we’re home?”
Avery’s cheeks shifted into a pretty warm color when Derek called it that. Home. What else was he supposed to call it, right? They were both living there. Living somewhere meant home. Sure, a home was a more affectionate name for a place someone felt comfortable, regardless of if it were a house or not. Often times people could be considered!!! Homes!!! STOP doing that holy shit!
Avery was looking concerned again. Hand was back. Both of them, now, on his face. Derek leaned into the contact and took a breath, letting his eyes fall shut for just a moment before opening them again. Avery said they were yellow. Derek wasn’t sure if he liked that color much anymore.
“Hey, Derek,” A slight shake of his head between the two warm palms on his face. “Are you with me?”
“I’m with you,” Derek said with a lame attempt at a nod.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
Avery was not convinced. He was a very hard person to convince, Derek was learning. Knew. He knew that already. But it was fun to pretend he didn’t already know. He liked pretending to be normal after it all. Avery shook his head and spoke, “We can up the pain meds, you know–”
“No!” Derek reacted, hands jerking up to lay on top of Avery’s on his face, holding them tightly. At Avery’s shocked expression, he continued, “I hate how I feel, Avery. I’d rather be in pain then stuck in fucking… consciousness limbo.”
“I know, man,” Avery leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, “But it’s just been a week. You’re discharged. We’re leaving, and you’re gonna have to go back through the whole series of excuses once we’re at my place and have to go to another hospital when something happens to you.”
“Nothing’s gonna happen to me, Avery,” Derek insisted, pressing against all points of contact. Fuck, this was awesome. He never wanted to let go. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not! You are objectively not fine, Derek!” Avery fought, but he didn’t pull away. Dark brown eyes scanned Derek’s face. He shifted under the scrutiny. “I don’t want something to happen–”
“Nothing’s gonna happen!”
“I don’t want something to happen, Derek,” He pushed on despite Derek’s interjections, “and have been able to prevent it. It’s a miracle I found you, dude. I’m not letting you leave me so easily. You can wean off of the pain meds over a longer period of time if you need it. It’s winter break. I have the time to look after you until you’re good.”
Derek scoffed, “No way. I’m not some kid who needs looking after.”
“No,” Avery agreed, “But you’re my friend who almost died, and now you’re dealing with some of the worst pain imaginable. You don’t need looking after but I want to be here for you.”
Derek shifted again. He could think of several people throughout history who’d had worse pain. Mostly women. No way did Derke’s pain compare to that. He looked away and let the dull ache press behind his eyes. “It’s not the worst.”
Avery’s expression was flat, “You literally haven’t woken up without screaming for your entire hospital stay.”
“I can be quiet!”
“That’s not the point!” Avery exclaimed, pulling his and Derek’s hands away and clasping them to his chest. His brows were furrowed, and his eyes were wet as he looked at Derek with so much fondness it almost, almost, hurt more to look at him. “I don’t want you to push yourself. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me when it hurts. I’m not a mindreader.”
No, but he might as well have been. Avery had gotten to know Derek pretty well over the last week, and he’d adapted to reading him almost as well as Derek’s sister. Fuck, did they text each other? No chance. Derek didn’t need infinite knowledge to know that Kritika never responded to texts. She, miraculously, was the only person ever who preferred calls. Derek felt the pull of his mind trying to correct that fact. It hurt. He pushed through it.
“I’m fine, Avery. I will be fine, and I will tell you when I’m not. Is that okay?” Derek finally said, brows raised as he looked at the boy before him, scared and perfect.
Avery slowly nodded, green ends of his hair highlighted under the sterile hospital lighting. “Okay. Promise?”
Derek huffed a laugh, “I promise. Now, can we go home?”
***
“We’ve given you a thirty-day supply of his prescription here,” Emma was saying, slowly and loud enough for Derek to hear as she explained everything to Avery, “We recommend using this for nights. If you need a refill after the month is up, you’ll have to come directly here. Everything else we’ve sent three-month refills to your local pharmacy. Is this address correct?” Emma tilted her computer screen toward Avery, who leaned in to read it.
“Yeah, that’s right. Three months?” He clarified. Emma nodded, braids bouncing lightly on her shoulders.
“Yes. Those are the lower-dose prescriptions, and he should feel fine throughout the day using them. It’s once in the morning and once in the evening, with food and water. We’ve paired it with a stool-softener too, but we only sent a thirty-day bottle for that, no refills. After it runs out, anything over the counter should be fine.”
Derek felt the tug of wanting to be embarrassed about Avery knowing him this intimately, but really, who cared? He knew everything about everyone and their emotions. Avery was a little pink, though. Derek let a laugh bubble out of him. Avery turned away from Emma and toward Derek.
“You’re sure the pain is manageable?” He asked, dark eyes tracking Derek’s movements as he changed and dropped the gown on the hospital bed.
“Yes, mom,” Derek rolled his eyes, shrugging on a black t-shirt with only a little struggle. “I told you, I’m fine.” Cotton. Stop. This was Avery’s shirt. Derek fought the urge to bring the collar to his nose and smell it.
“I just want to make sure!” Avery said, palms up in defense. “I want to be absolutely positive you’re feeling fine between now and the drive home. If you start feeling anything, Derek, and I mean anything between here and my place–”
Derek stepped forward, placing a palm flat on Avery’s chest, right above his heart. Avery lifted a hand to press it atop Derek’s. “You gave me the pill. Nurse Emma here signed off on my discharge. I’m fine, Avery.”
That seemed to soothe him a bit. Derek pat himself on the back for that. Avery pressed against Derek’s hand until their fingers were intertwined, holding each other in the air. Emma smiled at the two boys, quiet for a moment before realizing they were done speaking. She continued to Avery, “We can do Telehealth appointments so you don’t have to travel. There’s everything you need in your MyChart about that. Did you get that set up?”
Avery nodded, reaching to pat his back pocket, where his phone was. With all of Derek’s health records on it. In his back pocket. Denim. ACGAT. Avery. Eyes on Avery. Quiet.
“Perfect,” Emma closed out the tabs on the computer and clipped her badge onto her shirt. “Then you two are all set to go! I’m jealous you have a boyfriend that looks out for you so well,” She said to Derek, making small talk as she began to escort the pair out. They were still holding hands. “It’s really sweet. I’m glad you were here during all of this. I don’t know if I could do long-distance.” Derek smiled.
Yes, Avery had told him that the police officer had given him the idea to pretend to be Derek’s boyfriend. He did not need to ask to know that Avery had, since then, never clarified to anyone that they were not actually dating out of fear that his hospital privileges would be revoked.
“Yeah, I’m lucky,” He squeezed Avery’s hand in his, relishing in the reddening of Avery’s neck and ears. And chest. It would extend nearly down to his navel, Derek knew. Where he was soft and far warmer. Wow, the meds must have been starting to kick in. All the extra thinking was in the back of his mind, now. Avery was all he could focus on. Avery avery avery. Avery’s hand and his shirt and his jacket was soft on Derek’s cheek as he leaned against it, guided carefully out of the hospital.
“Car, Derek,” Avery said softly, nudging the boy resting on his shoulder, entire bodyweight pressed agianst his frame. “Der, come on. You gotta get in. You can sleep on the drive home.”
“Mm,” Man, he was slipping. At least all of the pain was gone. Just a dull sensation in the back of his head. “M’kay. L’ve you.”
Avery never acknowledged Derek’s comments like that, high on the pain medicine and drifting in and out of consciousness. He just nodded and pressed a hand against Derek’s cheek, softer than any kiss could be. He did that now, buckling Derek into the passenger seat and brushing a hand through his hair– washed, now. Avery had been gentle then, too. He always was. That was okay. Derek knew everything about everyone. Especially Avery. He knew.
“You good?” Avery said, leaning back out of the car as he analyzed Derek’s state in the passenger seat. Derek nodded. Avery shut the door and made his way to the driver’s side. He clicked in his own seatbelt, started the car, and put it into gear. Derek pressed the knobs on the dash to turn on the radio. Some old techno song was playing. He leaned back and shut his eyes, leaning into the embrace of the cloth seat beneath him. “Fan of this song?” Avery remarked, voice amused.
Derek nodded mindlessly. “Yeah.”
“You’d say that about any song, huh, mister I-know-everything?”
Derek nodded again, this time with a light laugh, “Yeah.”
Avery hummed. Derek liked that song more than the radio. He wanted to turn it down to hear it better but his arms didn’t really want to work now. “You can sleep, you know. It’s a short drive. We’ll be there before you know it.”
“W’nna hear you talk,” Derek slurred, leaning his head toward Avery, eyes still shut. “Keep t’lking, Av’ry.”
Avery hummed agian and kept talking. “Alright. Uh, I mean, what to say? Oh! Your stuff’s all at my place. In boxes. This guy from the cleaning company that was at your place? Super chill dude. Offered to pay for all your clothes to get cleaned and delivered to my apartment. The PC was on the house, obviously, but the clothes were a personal favor. Wasn’t that awesome?
“I think we should give him a gift basket or something. We’re definitely gonna be super broke after that hospital stay, not to burst your bubble, so maybe I’ll just keep his contact and invite him to dinner once I’ve made back some money this summer. Perk of living near campus. Rent’s cheap when you lease with two other people.
“Oh! Shit, you’ll have to meet my roommates! Well, I told you, David’s the one whose lease is almost up. The other guy, Collin? He’s cool. Quiet, but cool. Oh, shit,” Avery laughed and it pulled Derek out of his head for a second. Pretty noise. “Dude, I don’t own an air mattress. Plus the couch is reserved for the living room after the incident last fall. Uh, you might just have to sleep in my bed for now.”
That didn’t sound bad. Avery kept talking, getting lost in his own head as he rambled on about the apartment and school and how things would work once they got there. And Derek listened for as long as he could before finally falling asleep, Avery’s voice the perfect lullaby.
***
The glasses helped, actually. Avery had ordered them once they made it back to his apartment, Derek tucked into his neck on the couch while some random television show played in the background. The package had shown up on Avery’s doorstep a week later.
“Okay, open your eyes,” Avery said from behind Derek, who did so slowly, ready and waiting for the throbbing pain to start. Yellow scanned the living room, the television, now playing The Office reruns. It was based on a British show with the same name, though publicly The Office (U.S) was more iconic. Derek blinked hard. The pain was still there, but less. Avery was standing just behind Derek, ready for any reaction that would warrant his help. “How’re you feeling, Der?”
“Episode 12, season 6,” He said, pointing to the television. Avery inhaled sharply and took a step forward. Derek held up a hand to stop him. “But it’s not as bad.”
“Really?” Avery said, hope clear in his voice. Derek nodded.
“It’s there. I’m holding it in.”
“Does that hurt?” Avery asked, still walking toward Derek, who let him.
Derek shrugged, “I dunno. Gotta get used to it.” A hand found his.
“You don’t have to push yourself this fast, man. It’s barely been any time at all.”
“I’m not pulling you down with me, Avery,” Derek turned, yellow eyes locking with that perfect brown. “It’s my issue. I can’t keep you from your classes and your friends just because I opened a stupid Minecraft world.”
“Woah, hey, hey,” Avery squeezed the palm in his own. “What are you talking about? We were both alone on new year’s, man. I’ve got less friends than you.”
“That’s what you wanted to focus on?” Derek made a face, looking at Avery. His DNA sequence never stopped running through Derek’s mind. He knew eveything about him. He knew about his freckles and his moles and the birthmarks on his arms and the cut on his lip and the cuts on his thigh and the “Derek, hey, stay with me. You’re drifting off again. What’s wrong? I thought the glasses were working?”
Derek shook his head, expression starting to falter. They were. But without all the outside thoughts the inside thoughts were easier to focus on and he knew Avery. He knew Avery. The world was scary and Avery made it quiet and that was good. That was good and it felt good and Avery was perfect and sweet and the cuts on his upper arm and the one cut on his forearm and the stitched-up scar on his chest from when he went too deep. The one that got him stuck in the hospital two miles away during winter break just last year.
“Avery,” Derek gasped, “Avery, fuck. I need–”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’ll grab the–” Derek snatched Avery’s wrist and shook his head frantically.
“No,” He pleaded. “No meds. I don’t wanna. I just–just,” He pressed into Avery’s space, arms out. “Avery. Just help me through it. Please.”
Avery looked like a deer in headlights, dark eyes wide as he looked at Derek, small and scared and tired. TGGAATC. Fuck. He felt arms wrap around him and hold tight, one of Avery’s hands rubbing up and down Derek’s back, warm through the old shirt he had on. This one might’ve been Avery’s, too. Derek liked wearing Avery’s stuff. He burrowed his face into Avery’s neck, breathing heavily against the warm, brown, freckled skin there.
“I’ve got you, Derek. I’m right here, I promise.” His hands kept moving. “Do you wanna sit back on the couch? Do you wanna lie down?” Derek tried to make a noise of agreement. Avery took the hint and maneuvered them both onto the cushions, Derek pressed on top of Avery like a human blanket. “I’m right here. Got it?”
Derek knew. He knew. Avery was here and he was safe and everything was fine. But the world was loud and it was hurting him. It had hurt Avery. Derek had done everything in his power to protect him and he still hadn’t. Not from everything. Avery was hurt and he had shit in his head, too, how could Derek forget that? He didn’t matter like Avery did. His parents were dead. His sister had friends and a fiance and and and and. Avery had parents. Avery had school. Avery had his heart. His perfect awful stupid heart and his awful awful brain that told him that he didn’t matter.
“Derek,” Avery said, sounding frantic. “Derek, hey, talk to me. Can you talk to me?” He tried sitting them up but Derek shook his head. “Okay, okay. We can stay here. Can you talk to me, though? What’s going on in that head, man?” Avery threaded his fingers through Derek’s hair and it felt good. It felt good. Avery was good.
Words wouldn’t work. The thread count of the couch cushions and Avery’s shirt and his pants and his bed and his sheets ran through Derek’s head. He wanted the glasses to work. He wanted the medicine to work. He wanted to be a year down the road in recovery and be better. He wanted to cook in the kitchen instead of crying on the couch because the voices were too loud and that stupid fucking Minecraft entity had fucked him up. Seriously. Minecraft. Derek wanted to kill his past self for ever playing on that stupid worls and for bringing Avery into this and for not protecting him.
“Avery,” Derek sobbed. Oh, he was crying now. Maybe that’s what the pressure in his head was. “Avery.”
“Derek,” Avery said back, soft. “How can I make it quiet in there?” He tapped on Derek’s head, fingers still running through his hair, nails scratching at his scalp every so often. “Let me in.”
“Talk,” Derek choked out, still breathing heavily against Avery’s neck. Avery nodded.
“Yeah, yeah, I can do that. I can talk,” Derek felt Avery swallow, throat bobbing. “David and Collin are coming back next week. Getting here early for the start of the semester. You’ll meet them.
“I already texted them about you, you know that. I think I said family emergency, which was funny because David’s lowkey kind of racist and thought we were brothers,” Avery laughed suddenly and it jolted something in Derek’s chest. “Collin didn’t see the resemblance, which– obviously. I doubt the boyfriend thing would’ve swung at the hospital if we’d looked related.
“I’m sorry you feel so shitty. I want to help you, Der. I feel like it’s my fault,” He was shaking his head, shifting Derek’s position. “I keep thinking that. I know you’re gonna tell me it’s not, but fuck, dude. I was terrified my first friend I’d made in years was dead because of me.”
Derek let out another choked sob as his lifted his head from Avery’s neck, looking into teary, perfect, dark eyes. “Don’t.”
Avery nodded, a tear starting to fall down his cheek. Down the side with the scar on his lip. “I know,” He said, “I know you’re gonna say shit like that. But you’re stuck in your head, dude. You’re like this and I’m not gonna be able to help you once school starts back up. I’m so scared, Derek. I’m so scared.”
“Don’t,” Derek repeated, struggling to say more through the fog in his head. He reached up and pulled the stupid glasses off of his face before reaching forward and adjusting Avery’s, keeping his hands on his face after. He dragged them down his cheeks, down his neck, onto his chest, above his heart. Above the too-deep cut. “Don’t take it all. It’s on me, Avery.”
“I’m sorry,” Avery was crying now. “You’re in pain. I’m helping,” He reached up and scrubbed at his eyes, messing up his glasses that Derek had just fixed. “I’m helping. I can help. Promise.”
This was the worst fucking cycle Derek could be stuck in. He shook his head and thumped his hands against Avery’s chest. “Shut up,” He managed.
“W-What?” Avery said, mouth quirking up despite his tear-filled eyes.
“Shut up,” Derek repeated, nodding. “We’re both fucked, Avery. This is fucked.”
Avery nodded, too, “Yeah. It is.”
“But it’s fine. We’re gonna be fine.”
Avery kept nodding, arms wrapping around Derek and squeezing him tight, “We’re gonna be fine. You’ll be fine. I’ve got you.”
“I’ve got you,” Derek parrotted, tears having slowed to a stop. Things were quieting down again, looking at Avery’s perfect, reddened face. His hair. His dark brows and long lashes. All of his freckles. Derek took a deep breath and let it out, leaning his head back down into Avery’s neck and taking another deep breath. “Calm down.”
Avery laughed wetly, “Calm down? Me?” He shoved Derek in his arms. “Are you kidding me?” The laughs started growing, catching in Derek’s chest.
“Yeah,” Derek grinned against Avery’s neck. “Sorry. I’m okay.”
“You’re okay?”
Derek nodded and then hummed, “Yeah.”
“Want me to keep talking?” Derek hummed again, breathing evening out. “Okay. Um. Fuck, I have no idea what to say now. My head’s, like, empty.”
“Mine too.”
Avery made a noise, “Really?”
Derek paused. “Uh, yes. Yeah.” He looked up at Avery, flicking between both of his eyes, “Do you wanna take a shower?”
Avery reddened slightly at that and Derek tried not to enjoy it. “Do you?”
Derek nodded. “Yeah. Shower and then bed. Please.”
It was early. Early evening. The sun was only just starting to crest over the horizon. But fuck, Derek was exhausted and he could tell Avery was too. They were both fucked up and Avery was so sweet and his hands felt so good in Derek’s hair and Derek had to pick up the slack eventually. He wanted to take care of Avery. He wanted to. He wanted to be years down the line of recovery and trace all of the scars on Avery’s body and promise that he’d keep him safe. He wanted to get better.
Avery guided them carefully off of the couch, one hand always on Derek as they sat up, as he turned off the TV, as he turned off the lights in the living room. He was gentle and careful and sweet as he pulled Derek into his bedroom and handed him a change of clothes. He hummed as he turned on the showerhead, feeling the water with his free hand as he tested the temperature of the water. Derek’s eyes tracked carefully over his body as he undressed in the bathroom, eyes lingering on his arms. His thighs. His chest.
Avery set his glasses on the sink, just in his underwear as he turned to Derek, pink flushing down his chest. “Uh, I assumed you meant together?” He said, suddenly self conscious under Derek’s scrutinizing gaze. Derek nodded, finally taking off his shirt and then pants and then socks and then underwear. “Okay,” Avery inhaled as he watched Derek step into the shower first, stripping out of his boxers and then following him in. “Okay. Awesome.”
It was nice under the water. Things were quiet, so close to Avery. Talking and thinking had hurt at first but now Derek just felt drained. All the thoughts in his head were quiet. He let the water run over him, arms wrapping around himself as he took in deep breaths. He almost forgot Avery was there, too.
Talking was too much, but vague gestures seemed to work fine with Avery, so Derek decided he’d focus on that. He reached out for him, pushing him under the water and holding him there, hands firm on his upper arms. Avery let Derek guide him, watching as he found the shampoo, moving carefully through a routine. Washing hair was easy. It was methodical and Avery turned to face the water, letting Derek run his hands through dark curls, scratching at his scalp and pulling him close, back pressed against Derek’s chest.
Avery let him touch. Let his hands wander as Derek washed Avery’s body carefully, hands lingering on his thighs. Derek already knew Avery. He knew everything about him because he knew everything about everything. But Avery let him touch and let him move slowly and let him press in with purpose under the shower. He’d hum every so often, chest reddened from the touches and from the heat of the water, but he wouldn’t stop Derek. Even when Derek finally let him rinse off, hands carding through curls again, eyes half-lidded as their eyes roamed each other’s bodies, Avery didn’t push away. He watched as Derek turned to wash his own hair, his own body, pressing his chest to Derek’s back as Derek had done while the boy took time washing himself. Derek didn’t let Avery do anything, determined to take care of him. To pay him back. To let him know that he was worth something deeper than anyone else could fathom.
The water turned off eventually, Derek finally satisfied with his ministrations. They climbed out of the shower and toweled off just as gently as they’d bathed, Derek taking the lead as he pressed the red, bleach-stained towel across Avery’s perfectly soft and warm body.
They dressed in Avery’s clothes and they crawled into Avery’s bed, sheets perfect and soft and Avery avery avery avery.
“You sure you’re feeling okay?” Avery said quietly as they lay down in the green sheets and the dark comforter on his bed. “You don’t want to take anything before sleeping?”
Derek shook his head. “No. I feel good right now.”
Avery shifted from where he lay against Derek’s chest, head pressed against his heart. Derek knew he liked listening to it. He knew everything.
“I just don’t want you to be in pain, man.”
Derek nodded. He was tired. He felt good. All the outside thoughts couldn’t get in when he’d cried them all out, oversaturated with Avery Avery Avery. “Thank you,” he said eventually. “I know I’ve said it before. But thank you.”
“For what?”
“Everything,” Derek looked down, happy to be looking at freckles and a still-flushed face from the heat of the shower. “You saved me. You brought me here. You want to help me. Thank you.”
Avery pressed harder against Derek’s chest, one hand snaking up to press against his neck, “Yeah, well. Like I said. Neither of us have anyone else, really. If not me then who?”
Derek shut his eyes. He let his hands wander up Avery’s back, into his hair. He liked putting his hands there. He liked to scratch and to tug a little and imagine a point in the future when he didn’t have to sob his heart out to be allowed to do this.
“You said David and Collin come back next week?”
“Mhm.”
Derek nodded, “And they’re fine with your boyfriend just staying here for the entire rest of the semester?”
Avery made an aborted attempt to dispute that. Then he just hummed. Fuck, Derek wanted to bottle that noise. “I dunno. They can bug me all they want about it, but it’s not like you’re gonna be doing anything weird. David’s had girls over in the past.”
“Girls with chronic migraines who stayed in his bed and ate his food without paying rent?”
Avery knocked his head against Derek’s collarbone. “Exactly.”
“You two have a type, then. Careful, he might try to fight you for me,” Derek said, slowly starting to drift. “Think you’d win?”
Avery nodded, hair tickling Derek’s neck. “Have you seen me? David’s, like, way smaller. I’d win easy.”
“Aw,” Derek tightened his hold on Avery. “My hero.”
Avery didn’t say more after that. Blackout curtains and the warmth of each other in the bed made for a lethal combination that put the boy to sleep almost instantly everytime they’d lay down. Derek liked watching him. Liked pressing a hand to his back as he felt his lungs expand and contract, his own breathing matching after a while. He liked pressing Avery’s head tighter to his chest, heartbeat inches away. He was alive, Avery. You’re both alive. You saved me. You saved me, Avery.
Despite his fatigue, Derek didn’t sleep for a while, still lost in his thoughts. His thoughts. None of the outside stuff. His. He didn’t want to sleep yet and risk waking up to everything else. He wanted to be alone in his head for a little longer. He wanted to pretend for just a bit more. He started talking.
“Love at first sight is real, you know,” he started quietly, hand carding through curls. “Can’t back that up with a citation like everything else. But I can say it. Because I know everything,” he looked down at the boy sleeping against his chest. “And because I know you.
“Fuck, and I know you hate when I say it. But you’ve gotta cut me some slack, Avery. I’m a loser,” Derek shook his head, “I’m a loser and a total nerd. I’m so lucky you found me. I’m gonna say cheesy shit like that forever. Be glad you weren’t there when I was talking to that stupid king in the game, dude.”
He let out a laugh. There hadn’t been much time to reflect in the hospital, fuzzy with the pain medication as the doctors tried to get him into a CT, into the MRI, into the xray. Only a week ago, when they’d finally discharged him, had his brain finally started to clear up. He didn’t want that fuzzy feeling back. He hoped he wouldn’t scream when he woke up tomorrow. Avery always looked so scared.
“I’m a loser, Avery. I was living alone in a shitty apartment, with a fridge stocked with smoothies right by my desk because I couldn’t look away from the computer. Most redditor shit I’ve ever heard in my life.
“But whatever. King’s dead now, right?” He tugged lightly at Avery’s hair, earning a slight groan. Derek smiled. “Yeah. I saved you. Nothing’s gonna take you from me, Avery.”
Derek finally shut his eyes and leaned back against the pillow, pulling Avery closer (if that was possible) as he settled in to finally sleep. He hoped to dream of them. Of the shower. Of close touches and promises of a better future.
He hoped Avery was dreaming of the same thing.
***
Derek did not have the luxury of waking up peacefully. Despite his pleas to a God who did not want to listen, he woke up in pain. He screamed and he screamed and he cried out and Avery and where’s Avery and what did you do to Avery. How could a king ever try to take him away. And it hurt and it hurt and help and so many thoughts that flashed through his mind that he couldn’t even focus on just one. Sheets. Curtains. Textile production. Wood production. The floors were carpeted. Polyester. Avery. Avery.
“Derek,” Avery said, hands already finding their place on his cheeks, pressed against dark skin, scratched by the shit beard Derek could never commit to growing, “Derek I’m right here. Look at me, Derek. I’m here.”
Through the haze and the pain and the nagging in the back of his mind to just take one because they did make the pan go away, Derek forced his eyes to look. To see. Avery was safe. He saved him. They’d saved each other. His throat was closed but he fought the choking sensation just to say his name. “Avery.” And Avery would nod and he’d say
“Great job. Perfect, Derek. I’m right here.” A hand found Derek’s and pulled it to his chest. Derek felt, palm flat against his heart. Against the too-deep cut. He splayed out his fingers. He could protect his heart. He’d keep it safe, now. “I’m here.”
“Avery,” like a mantra. Derek took deep breaths. He leaned forward and dropped his head to Avery’s shoulder and gasped as the pain faded to just waves. He focused. Avery made it quiet. They were okay. They were here. Avery’s heart was picking up and Derek knew he was scared. He was scared for Derek. He was scared he’d wake up and it would all be a dream. He knew how Avery’s mind worked. He knew what it said. He’d convince Avery none of that was true and that a boy like him was perfect. He was perfect. “I’m okay.”
“You’re okay?” Derek nodded, lifting his head to look into dark eyes and stare at freckles scattered across round cheeks. Avery looked at Derek like he was precious. “What’s going on in there?” He tapped at Derek’s forehead. It didn’t hurt.
“You,” he answered honestly. “You help.” He shook his head, frustrated. “Come here.” Derek shifted back in the bed, moving to lie back down. He dragged Avery with him, who didn’t even try to protest. “Listen.”
Avery looked up at Derek’s awful yellow eyes with furrowed brows. Derek pressed his thumb against them to try and smooth them out. Then he pressed his palm to the side of Avery’s head and pulled him down to his chest. To his heart.
“I’m okay. It just hurts when I wake up.”
Avery lifted a hand and began to trace over Derek’s chest, eyes closing.
“I’m okay, Avery. I promise.”
Avery nodded, a few silent tears tracking down his perfect face. “Okay.” His sniffed. “Okay. It just scares me, Derek.”
“I know.”
“I know it hasn’t been long,” he kept tracing. “And I know it’s gonna take forever. Maybe you’ll always wake up like that,” Derek tried not to think that way, “But all I can think of is the hospital. The breathing tube and the screaming. You were so scared and I thought you were dying, Derek. You’d practically died.”
Derek nodded. “I’m not dead.”
“You’re not dead,” Avery repeated. “I know. I know that. You’re alive and you know everything and it all hurts and I’m trying so hard,” a shuddering breath, “and I feel awful talking like this. But I don’t know how relationships work and I just wanted to tell you. I want you to know,” he looked up, eyes brimming with tears, “I want you to know I’m trying. That I care about you. I’m always gonna be here when you wake up, Derek. I’m not leaving.”
“I know,” Derek nodded. “I care about you too. More than anyone.” Avery’s eyes were squeezed shut now, listening intently to the beating of Derek’s heart. “We’re gonna be here forever if we keep telling each other the same thing over and over, you know.”
Avery let out a wet laugh. “Yeah? Is that the infinite therapist knowledge talking?”
“Probably.” Derek dropped his head to press a chaste kiss to the crown of Avery’s head, lips resting there for a moment as they both listened. “I’m recovering. I’m fucked up. Your roommates are gonna hate me.”
“Fuck,” Avery choked out, hysterical, “The walls are so thin. They’re gonna hate you.”
“I’ll live,” Derek said. He shifted, trying to get a sense for time, but the blackout curtains weren’t helping. “What time is it?”
“Clock on the bedside table,” Avery murmured against Derek’s chest. He sounded sleepy again already.
5:46 AM, January 16th. Fuck. They really should go back to sleep.
But Derek wasn’t tired. There was a phone on the bedside and Avery was soft in his arms. He let his hands wander and pressed another kiss, far more intentional this time, to Avery’s forehead. Not one complaint from the affection.
“Go back to sleep, Avery,” Derek said, already noticing the steadying breaths coming from the other boy. “I’ll be here. I’m okay.”
“Yeah?” Avery slurred, tired. Derek smiled fondly.
“Yeah. You helped. I’m okay. Head empty.”
Avery made a content sound. Then nothing. His head was pressed against Derek’s heart and Derek tried to will it to beat louder.
He reached for the phone on the bedside table. Avery’s phone. His was plugged into a charger in the living room, forgotten after last night. It wasn’t like he had anyone to even text. He opened DoorDash.
He’d order breakfast. Avery could sleep for as long as he wanted and Derek would wait and be content with just being here with him. He’d order breakfast and they’d eat it together and Avery could relax. He could take a break from taking care of Derek for all this time. Derek could feel good knowing he’d done something other than scream and cry and scare the perfect boy on his chest.
Breakfast ordered. Hashbrowns and sausage and egg biscuits and coffee and a tip for the delivery driver. He hoped Avery could forgive the charge of $45.36 to his bank account. He was hungry.
He probably wouldn’t mind. Probably.
Derek kissed the top of Avery’s head again. In a silent apology. But also just because he wanted to. Yeah. He knew Avery. He knew everything. Avery wouldn’t mind.