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The only sound running through the room was the music coming from Jabber’s speaker. Both him and Zanka were faced forward, sitting in his bed that was in the corner of the room. Jabber sat closest to the wall, his head leaned onto it and trying to tune out what Zanka was saying.
“Ya can’t keep doing this, Jabber.” Zanka saw the newer gashes on his arms. It wasn’t like he was trying to hide them, he’s never been ashamed of what he does. It’s just that Zanka had asked him to at least stop going so deep, he was gonna bleed out one of these days. Jabber replied to him by rolling his eyes and saying, “Sure.” Not because he wanted to, but because he knew Zanka was concerned and will do anything to get his way.
Zanka would never ask Jabber to completely quit, he knew that was futile and quite frankly, not his decision to make. He knows what pain is for Jabber and he doesn’t want to know him without it. It’s normal for Jabber to have cuts, burn marks, and bruises on his skin, whether they’re from himself or someone else, as Jabber gets into fights often.
Jabber keeps his eyes fixed on the wall he’s leaning on as Zanka holds his arm in his hands. The cuts aren’t fresh but they aren’t healed either. It’s been five days since they last hung out and Zanka keeps track of every new cut that marks Jabber’s body when they see each other, so of course he noticed.
“Ya told me you’d stop,” Zanka says. He’s watching Jabber, waiting for some kind of reaction.
“I will,” is what he gives as a response.
“When?”
“Whenever I want, Zanka.”
“I don’t believe you,” he says.
Jabber doesn’t believe himself either. He’s saying this to relieve Zanka, but he’s not sure if he means it. Cutting as deep as he does is an accomplishment and Zanka understands. He’s felt the same way, but his cuts were punishment, Jabber’s are entertainment and a distraction. In order to feel something Jabber’s either hurting himself or getting high, and Zanka lets him have that.
“Look Jabber, I know it’s hard, but you’re stronger than me, so if I can do it you can too.” Zanka thinks he’s making a good point right now but to Jabber he sounds stupid.
“You bein’ serious right now? Just say you don’t understand, Zanka.” Jabber still doesn’t look away from the wall.
“You say that like you’d let me understand. I know good and well that you don’t even want to be understood, you hate that. So don’t turn this on me.” Zanka is staring at Jabber’s turned head.
“Yeah…you got me,” Jabber smiles to himself.
Zanka stares at Jabber disappointed and waiting.
“Jabber, will ya please look at me? Ya can’t go back on an agreement and then try to avoid this.”
Jabber huffs and turns to look at Zanka. “You expectin’ me to apologize?”
“You know I’m not, quit actin’ like ya don’t know me. I just don’t want you lyin’ to me for my own comfort.”
“Quit tryna dictate what I do like you’re my boyfriend or something, Zanka,” Jabber says sharply.
“We don’t have to be together for me to worry about the things ya do to yerself,” Zanka speaks lowly.
“Quit worryin’ then’.”
“Why do ya have to be so difficult?”
“You know I like seeing you mad,” Jabber smiles at him.
Zanka frowns in return. “I do.”
Jabber crawls into Zanka’s lap and straddles him because who would Jabber be if he didn’t seize this opportunity. “Are you mad at me right now?” He stares into Zanka’s eyes as he asks and puts his arms around his shoulders.
Zanka’s not mad about the self-harm situation, but he is mad at how Jabber brought up them not being together. Zanka confessed to Jabber months ago, and Jabber came back with how they’re not meant to be anything more than what they are. And what they are Zanka has no clue. They do so much more than friends (if thats what you could call them) should do and they never talk about it. Jabber acts like it’s normal and Zanka has to go along with it.
“I am,” Zanka says quietly.
Jabber grabs Zanka’s hands and brings them to his own throat. “Show me.”
Zanka stopped trying to hide his sadistic tendencies a while ago after Jabber had encouraged him to embrace it, so it’s only a second before Zanka is squeezing Jabber’s neck. It’s not much at first but then he thinks about everything he feels for Jabber and everything Jabber will never feel for him. He squeezes harder every time Jabber makes a sound. He hates those stupid noises and he hates that cocky smile and he hates Jabber. Jabber tries to breathe but fails and he loves it. They both do. Jabber goes to palm himself and that’s when Zanka stops.
“Ya don’t get to get off on this,” Zanka spits. “No touchin’ or I’m quittin’.”
Jabber whines but complies, clenching his hands into the sheets below him. Zanka puts his hands back on Jabber as he leans forward and puts his lips to his. Now theres truly no way for Jabber to breathe and it turns Zanka on more than he’d admit. He kisses slow and soft, he knows Jabber hates it but he doesn’t want to care right now. He pulls back and kisses up and down the other’s jawline.
“I can’t stand ya, Jabber.” He says after he pulls away from his face. “I hate everything about you.”
Jabber’s head feels like it’s going to explode and he’s going to pass out soon, he knows because they’ve tested his limits so many times before, but Zanka decides to squeeze even harder. Jabber’s eyes are rolled back and his mouth is hung open. He makes no move to stop Zanka and that makes him even more incensed.
“Make me stop,” Zanka demands.
Jabber groans and ignores Zanka.
“Jabber, stop me!”
Jabber looks at Zanka and put his hands on top of the ones on his throat shakily. He closes his eyes and smiles.
Zanka finally lets go and pushes Jabber into the bed, causing him to land on his back hard. Jabber’s breathing heavily and has an unusual look on his face. Like he’s pleased and let down at the same time.
“Why’d ya stop?” He asks. His hands are still clenched into the sheets and his breaths are heavy.
“You’re disgusting, Jabber,” Zanka says. “I don’t understand how you enjoy this.” He puts his hands over his face. He isn’t sure if he’s hiding from Jabber or himself.
Jabber sits up and watches Zanka. “Don’t act like you didn’t. You love giving me what I want just as much as I love taking it.”
“I don’t wanna keep doin’ this. I’m tired of actin’ like I’m okay with it.” Zanka’s face is still covered as he speaks.
Jabber furrows his brows and his mouth drops into the shape of a circle. “What?”
Zanka brings his hands down and looks at Jabber. “I’m not gonna be the one you use to entertain yourself anymore.”
“Aw, c’mon man, is this ‘cause I won’t be your boyfriend? Grow up.”
“It’s more than that, Jabber. You only want me when I can do something for you.”
“And you only want me ‘cause you think you can fix me! Fix us!” Jabber points his hands to his chest as he speaks. “We’re meant to be fucked up, Zanka. You like hurting me, and I like being hurt. Why does there have to be anymore to it?”
“I wanna be normal! I don’t wanna be like you!”
“Am I really that bad to you,” Jabber asks.
“Yer fucked in the head, Jabber, and it’s annoying to say that ‘cause I know you enjoy it. I hate that about ya.”
“Yeah? What else do you hate about me?”
“I’d tell ya but ya’d like it too much.”
Jabber tilts his head as he speaks. “You can’t indulge me one last time? Or maybe, its not that I’d like it too much, it’s that you’d like it too much.” He points his finger into Zanka’s chest.
Zanka swats his hand away. “Fuck off. I’m leaving.”
He makes his way out of the bed and only takes a step before Jabber grabs his arm.
“Zanka.” Jabber looks up at him with pleading eyes.
“Just stop,” Zanka says. He stays facing forward and waits for Jabber to let go.
“Things’ll be different this time. We…can be something.”
Zanka wants to ignore him but he’s stuck in this feeling of hope. He turns around and faces Jabber.
“Yer just sayin’ that so I’ll stay.”
Jabber stands up so he can be face to face with the other. “I mean it, Zanka.”
He really doesn’t, but Zanka doesn’t have to know right now. To make it more convincing he takes Zanka’s hands in his own and smiles at him.
“…Okay.” Zanka smiles back and Jabber leans in to close the distance.
He kisses Zanka slow the way he knows he likes. Zanka falls for it.