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And Bakugo lies on his bed and cries.
It’s so out of character for him. Nobody knows that when he feels his clothed back hit the bedsheets and covers himself in a cotton blanket that his mother got him for his twelfth birthday, he cries.
People say that he’s gotten better, that he’s a better person, but he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see the growth of his personality and demeanor. He doesn’t see that he’s been doing better at communicating his feelings; all he sees are flashbacks of his past, all the mistakes he’s made.
It’s cold outside, winter hit hard this year as it has snowed in at the UA campus, classes were canceled for two days, so now all he has are his thoughts in his head.
Is it crazy to say that Bakugo doesn’t even want to train right now, after everything that has happened? Now, in his third and last year of UA, everyone has changed. Everyone is different.
Kirishima is still manly, still tough as nails, but now is more mature. He often helps around the dorms and helps people clean their rooms when they are busy training or cramming for a test. Kaminari is now super focused on his studies as well as hero work, actually now being one of the smartest kids in the class, and people even ask him for help on studying. Iida is more laid back, the war having done that to him. Still assertive but knowing when some people need a break and need comfort more than a scolding.
Even Mineta has changed; he isn’t a weird perv, just another person who wants to be a hero and help out the people around him.
But Bakugo? He still barks orders, gets frustrated easily, threatens people with cruel words…cries himself to sleep.
He just thinks and thinks and thinks. His brain turned to mush and fog. Not knowing how to handle his emotions, not knowing how to say simple words and simple feelings in a manner that would be Kind. Caring. Thoughtful.
kind, caring, thoughtful.
Just like Izuku.
Recently, he’s seen his friends get into relationships, not all of them, but some. Jirou and Kaminari had recently gone out for Valentine’s Day, Jirou coming back to the dorms with stories on how the other had taken her out to a super popular rock band. How they partied and held hands through the night, running on pure adrenaline and a couple of mixed cocktails that everyone promised they wouldn’t tell Aizawa about.
And, since Momo and Todoroki had been together for a while now, the boy had taken Momo to fancy restaurants, buying her flowers every Sunday that the girl put up in the dining room for all of them to look at. Beautiful bouquets of yellow azaleas and pink roses.
Even Mina and Kirishima got matching promise rings, and Katsuki almost throws up when his best friend tells him that they have movie nights every Friday after school. How they get dressed up in matching pajamas and watch horror movies with extra buttery popcorn, that they cuddle up and fall asleep on the boy's bed, sometimes in the living room, with the television still playing in the back.
And what does Katsuki do? He sits in his bed every night, taking the palm of his hand that's sweaty from his latest panic attack, and lights up his quirk as he grits his teeth and burns his skin as resentment to himself for being a horrid human being who can’t express his feelings.
Nobody knows he does that. Nobody asks why he has burn marks when he doesn’t cover them by accident. He has an explosion quirk, of course has burns, of course, he doesn’t wrap them up, of course, he’s short-tempered.
Well, someone did ask one time.
“Kacchan, those marks are pretty bad. Was training rough?”
The green-haired boy asked, his face in concern, knowing that Kacchan doesn’t usually burn himself while training that badly.
“Yes, Deku, I was training all last night at the training arena, something real heroes do,” he replied roughly, not knowing why he was mad at the other for just being concerned.
lie.
That’s all Izuku thought.
Because he was in the training arena till daybreak with Ochako and Tsuyu, making up for lost time they missed since they had to take care of Eri for the day, since it was Aizawa’s and Yamada’s anniversary, and they watched the child for them.
But he didn’t push; he didn’t want to make the other feel uncomfortable in a room full of people. He didn’t want to do that to his friend.
Friend.
Another word that Kacchan just can’t grasp onto. Even after everything that’s happened, all the apologies and fights, all of the tears and pain, he still can’t comprehend and grasp onto that word and use it in a literal sense.
Friend.
Is he Izuku’s friend? Or really… is Izuku his friend?
He knows, and he hears the other say it all the time. He knows the other views him as one. But Kacchan doesn’t know why. Why doesn’t Deku hate him? Why doesn’t he resent him for all of the past things he’s done to the boy?
Kacchan wants to make up for lost time. He wants to sit by Deku’s side and call him a friend. To be able to hang out with him, to talk and text him, and send stupid memes on Instagram. To hold his hand.
Hold his hand? Yeah, Kacchan has thought of that before, too.
Maybe, just maybe, if he hadn’t fucked things over with the other. If he hadn’t bullied him or talked down to him, or just been so fucking stupid and overly jealous of the fact that Deku is just a good person.
Kind, caring, thoughtful.
Things Kacchan could never be.
One day, Kacchan was on Google. He wondered why he always felt like hurting himself, because it was that bad. It was bad to the point where it was his day to cook dinner for everyone, and he felt his hands tremble when he picked up a knife to cut vegetables on a cutting board.
Kacchan didn’t know why; he didn’t know why he had an urge to hurt himself, but not to the extent of suicide. So, he looked it up.
Self-harm
Self-harm, or self-injury, is when a person hurts his or her own body on purpose. Self-harm is not a mental disorder. It is a behavior - an unhealthy way to cope with strong feelings and unstable emotions.
And there those words are again,
Emotions, feelings.
Why did he put himself in this rabbit hole of despair and hatred for his own being? He can’t utter simple words, and he calls Deku stupid.
At least Deku can let others see him cry, open up about his feelings, and show people he’s a good person.
But Kacchan can’t, he can’t, and even if he wanted to, it’s too late. He can’t make up for lost time. It’s slipping through his fingers like sand, and he can’t find a way to make all his feelings disappear without hurting himself.
So, Bakugo lies on his bed and cries.
As he feels his clothed back rest against the bedsheets, and as he bundles himself up in the cotton blanket that his mother got him on his twelfth birthday.
His arms look horrendous. different shades of dark purple and deep red. raised skin that looks disgusting to the eye and is sensitive to the touch.
The ash blonde wipes his tears with his clammy hands. He pushed himself out of bed. It’s Sunday, which means in a couple of hours, Todoroki will wake up and go get his girlfriend a new bouquet. Kacchan is curious about what color he’ll get this time.
He walks to his door in a short-sleeved shirt and basic basketball shorts; it being around four in the morning, everyone should be asleep by now anyway.
He shuffles out of his room, socked feet heading towards the living room to sit on the couch, thinking maybe he just needs to get out of his room. He feels as if the air is suffocating him, and he’s tired of crying in the confined area that just mocks him with silence.
He sits on the couch and looks to the left. The sky is dark, snow everywhere. Looks like the snow-plow robots are going to have a field day. Or maybe even his friends and classmates will beg him to go play in the snow with them to remember that they’re still young and can do child-like things even after almost sacrificing their lives in war.
He wonders if Deku still likes to play in the snow, as he always did as a kid. Dragging the little grumpy Kacchan, who hated the cold since his quirk didn’t work well in it, outside with a scarf and winter hat on, still with his signature red shoes, as he forced him to build an ugly snowman that would eventually melt away into still water and memories.
A tear runs down Kacchan’s face. Just one, not a lot of his classmates have seen him cry. Honestly, probably only Deku. He doesn’t even think Kirishima has seen him cry tears of actual sadness.
“couldn’t sleep either?”
A familiar voice comes from behind him. He whips his head around to see a boy with freckles and a mob of unbrushed green hair on his head. A slight smile on the other person's face, kind, caring, thoughtful.
Kacchan doesn’t say anything, not a snarky comment or mean remark. He just nods lightly, then remembers the wet feeling on his face and holds up his right hand to quickly wipe the stray tear that was on it.
“Can I join you?” Deku asks shyly, but mostly nonchalantly. Like many have changed, so has Deku. He’s just so much more relaxed. not much stuttering or shaking. not much repetitive mumbling, just chill, peaceful. But honestly, when people aren’t bugging him or intimidating the other, or he isn’t crazy stressed, that’s his usual self anyway.
Again, Kacchan nods, his eyes now shifting to the floor in front of him, a little lost in his own head. Chasing imaginary thoughts and feelings, he wishes he could just spit it out.
“What’s got you awake so late?” Deku says as he leans his back into the couch, Kacchan can feel his presence next to him and the slight dip in the couch where the other sits. They’re not that close. But close enough to the fact that when the ash blonde looks into the other's face, he sees that Deku’s eyes aren’t on him, but glancing down at his body.
And Kacchan follows his eyes, down and down until he realizes that Deku is looking right at his arms, but instead of hiding, getting up and storming to his room, he just looks back at Deku’s face and sees how the other's face is in light shock but sickening concern.
“I needed to get out of my room,” Katsuki says, voice gruff with exhaustion, and a tinge of disappointment towards himself that he let the other see him in such a state.
Deku’s eyes glance back up at his face, a soft expression that could soothe someone, “Yeah, maybe that’s a good thing.”
Baukogo doesn’t speak; he just looks back at the window. trying to drown out his thoughts. He’s waiting for Deku’s real reaction to seeing his scared and burned arms. Maybe it will be disgust, or betrayal of going to tell Mr. Aizawa that Kacchan now uses himself as a burn-board, or maybe even laughter.
Because it’s obvious now, those are not from training.
And it’s obvious now that Kacchan doesn’t care anymore about the fact that Deku knows that.
“Do you want me to wrap those up for you with gauze and some burn cream?”
Kacchan again looks at the other. Again, a soft, kind, caring, and thoughtful face. not filled with deception, just pure concern.
“Deku— just stop, I don’t need your pity,”
Kacchan doesn’t know what to say. He never knows what to say. He just glances back at the wooden floor.
“What are you—“
“Stop acting like, like I deserve your help,”
“Why wouldn’t you deserve my help?” Deku questions. voice not faltering with the stupid kind regard it holds.
“Because I treat you like shit,” Katsuki turns to the other now, burning tears threatening to breach his glossy irises, “I treat you like shit, I treat you all like shit. And you guys— you guys still be my friend. You still sit here and act like I’m a good person when I don’t deserve it.”
“Is that what you think?” Deku’s voice is calm, eyes are still kind.
“I don’t think it, it’s true,”
“Well then, Kacchan, I hate to break it to you, but none of us feel that way.” Izuku shuffles in his seat, legs now crossed on the couch facing the other. “You are a good person,”
And then here come the tears, one, two…flowing like waterfalls. Katsuki thinks; his thoughts are loud in his mind; he is not a good person.
Kacchan yells all the time, barks orders, and is overly aggressive, never reciprocating genuine affection and feelings. never using his words.
“Oh, really? When was the last time I even said something nice to any of you? To you especially,” his hand is up to wipe his sorrow-filled tears, stupid tears that he doesn’t deserve to show. He should not be the one in pain and crying over something he caused.
What did he cause? just pain.
“You don’t have to show you’re a good person just by using words, Kacchan. Words aren’t everything,” Izuku says, “not everyone is good with words, and that’s okay. Actions count too. And you prove that you care for us in actions. Like when you cook dinner, you always make sure you make a side of soba for Shouto because you know that’s all he eats. Or when someone gets hurt while training and there’s a lot of blood, you stand in front of Uraraka because you know she has a fear of seeing too much of it, or even when we’re out on patrols for our internships, you’re always handing me water bottles because you know i don’t take care of myself while worrying about villains, you sound like a pretty good person to me,”
Kacchan just stares, eyes a little wide as tears still slip out, “but I never— I never say it,”
“Say what? That you love us? You don’t have to say it verbally for us to know. I mean, Shouto sucks at expressing his emotions, too. That’s why he buys Momo flowers every Sunday, to show he cares for her. And at the end of the day, words are just words. Anyone or anything with vocal cords can say them. It doesn’t mean they actually mean them. I'd much rather my partner show me they love me in acts of service than just saying the overly used three words every morning and night, because words are just random letters we put together a trillion years ago that we decided have meaning. So yes, I think Katsuki Bakugo, also known as Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight, or as I like to call him, Kacchan, is a good person,” Deku speaks, words filled with wisdom and love.
Kacchan is shocked at the others' response. He didn’t know that people, or in particular, Deku, thought he was an actual good person. someone who actually deserves kindness, someone who emits kindness just again, not with words.
Deku slowly grabs the other's hand. Bakugo let’s him as Izuku inspected the other's arm, “These look new, do you want me to put burn cream and wrap them up for you?”
Kacchan, still a little shocked, just nods.
“Okay, I’ll be right back,” Deku says as he gets up to go get supplies from his first aid kit in his room, which he keeps there for himself since he injures himself daily due to training and pure clumsiness.
“Wait —“
Deku turns around,
“T-thank you,” Katsuki says softly, looking at the other whose face he can only see due to the slight light emitting from the window in the still dark sky.
Deku just smiles and walks to his room to get the supplies.
So now, he sits there, rubbing burn cream on the others' arms, trying to be as gentle as possible since some of them are fresh. Deku doesn’t want to ask too many questions, but he does have some.
“Do you do this as self-punishment?”
Kacchan silently winces at the question, wanting not to get into the realm of the possibility of Deku actually knowing why he burns himself on purpose, or as the internet calls it, self-harm.
“It’s just—I don’t know, you wouldn’t understand,” Kacchan doesn’t really mean to talk down on Deku or imply that the green-haired boy doesn’t know what it’s like to struggle, but again, he’s not good with his words.
Izuku wraps gauze around Bakugo’s left arm, then goes to the right, squeezing more burn cream on his fingers, “Try me.”
Kacchan just sighs, “It’s just, I need to release these stupid feelings I have, and i don’t know how else to, and it’s– it’s fucking frustrating,”
“And those stupid feelings are?” Izuku questions.
“things I want to say but can’t,”
Deku wraps a bandage around the boy's left arm and then leans back to look at the other, “Let’s play a game.”’
Kacchan cocks an eyebrow, “A game?”
“Yeah! I say one thing i’ve been wanting to get off my mind about you, then you say something too, about me, back to back with no pauses, and whoever freezes first loses and has to take over tutoring Mineta from Momo for a week,” Deku laughs under his breath knowing Momo has been trying to get someone else to help that stupid grape with his english work for weeks now.
“And why would I do this?” Kacchan rolled his eyes.
“Do you think you’re going to lose?” Deku challenges him, knowing the others' pride is too big to back down.
Bakugo smirks, “Oh, you’re on.”
They sit facing each other on the couch, “Okay, ready?”
Kacchan nods his head, ready for the challenge.
“I think Todoroki’s cooking is better than yours.”
“What!? No fucking way! His food is shit! I think that you look better with your glasses on than with your contacts.”
“I actually like it when you call me Deku, that’s why I chose it as my hero name,”
“It was supposed to be an insult! ugh, well, I actually never hated you, I was just annoyed at how perfect you were!”
“Perfect? I’m far from perfect. I wanted to be your friend because I thought you were perfect!”
“Well…shit, um, well, I think out of everyone in our class, you’d be the toughest to beat, not saying that I can’t beat you!”
“And I think that you’re one of the most powerful people in our class, not saying I can't beat you either!”
“And I think you’re pretty!”
And with that, Deku froze.
“Ha! I win! Now you have to tutor the stupid grape vine–“
“You—you think I'm pretty?” Deku stuttered out, wide-eyed.
And then Kacchan just realized in the heat of the moment what he just said.
“uhh…I mean—“ he said anxiously, trying to find the right words quickly as he just exposed himself in this stupid game.
“I think you’re really pretty, too, Kacchan, well, handsome more,”
And now it was Bakugo’s time to freeze. What the fuck is happening right now?
When they sat on this couch together about two hours ago, when Kacchan came out of his room to stop himself from crying all night and burning his arms. Thinking about how much of a shit person he is and how he didn’t deserve his friends. How everyone has changed and is maturing, and he’s just stuck in a state of constant misery due to a lack of communication skills and simple compassion. How Deku sat next to him, reassured him, wrapped up his arms, and now forced him to play this stupid game that now allowed him to use words.
To express feelings and emotions.
Maybe Izuku knew Kacchan needed a way to express himself, and Kacchan would never back down from a game, a challenge.
And now, just a little, Kacchan was able to use his words.
“You think I’m handsome?”
“Yes, Kacchan… is that okay?” Izuku looked at the other with a glint of something Kacchan couldn't catch.
Kacchan just smirked softly, the closest he’ll get to a smile, and held out his bandaged arm and grasped the other's hand, “yeah…yeah, idiot, it’s okay,”
Izuku smiled back, giving the ash blonde boy's hand a soft squeeze, “It’s really early now…” he looked out the window, the sun rising a little, snow still being heavy on the ground, it being almost six am now, “Should we lie down? Are you tired?”
Kacchan just pondered; he should lie down. It is Sunday, he could sleep in, but maybe, just maybe—
“Sure, do you…want to come lie down with me?” he hesitated slightly with his words, not knowing what Deku’s reaction would be. I mean, they did just basically admit they like each other, but still.
Deku actually smiled, “Sure,”
And they got up, Kacchan in his socks and Izuku in All Might themed slippers that Kacchan made sure to laugh at, they quietly walked softly to the ash blonde's bedroom, whose arms were now bandaged. When Kacchan opened the door, he was happy that he had cleaned up a little the day before, even though Izuku wouldn’t even care if it was messy.
Kacchan got in bed first, Izuku next to him, clothed back against the other's chest, slightly bending into the other so they could be close. Kacchan pulled the cotton blanket his mom got him for his twelfth birthday over both of them, wrapping his arm around the other's midsection and sighed.
“Thank you… Izuku,”
And nobody will know how they both ended up in Kacchan’s bed, or what happened, or why Kacchan has bandages on his arms, or that they called each other pretty.
Well…other than Todoroki, who heard the last part while he was walking out of his room to go get Momo new flowers, since it’s Sunday, knowing the others didn’t even notice him leaving the dorms, too engrossed in their own world.
Cute, Todoroki thought. happy that his stupid friends said their stupid feelings with stupid words.
Because words are stupid. They're just words.
Actions are what matter.