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When I woke up, I wasn’t sure whether or not I had actually slept at all. It wasn’t unusual.
I seldom slept well.
It’s called ’paradoxical insomnia’, I think. Even when I get enough sleep, I feel tired.
I glanced at the window. It was still so dark outside that it was either night or that eerie moment between night and sunrise. I sat up, slowly and slightly trembling. The cold air made me shiver. One of my blankets had fallen off to the floor. I often slept with multiple, sometimes it felt like there couldn’t be enough. Piles and piles atop of me, and I’d just shiver in the darkness. I reached for the blanket and wrapped it around myself. My fingers felt cold as ice, I tried to warm them up by giving them a little massage.
The man sleeping next to me radiated alluring warmth, attracting me close like a moth to a flame.
Hinata’s broad chest rose and fell steadily to the rhythm of his oft snoring. His sleeping face is so peaceful. It was always a bit funny seeing him like this, during the daytime he was so full of emotion and energy.
A hair strand had escaped onto his face. I really, really wanted to brush it aside, to touch his face. To feel his warm skin against my cold fingertips. To use this excuse to touch him, even if for a second. But there was no way I would risk waking him up.
His eyelids twitched. It was barely noticeable.
He must be dreaming. But about what? I hope they’re full of...hope!
”Oh!” I gasped.
’Hinata-kun has such long eyelashes! How have I never paid attention to them before? I see them everyday but still… How could I have missed them?’
A chill ran down my spine. Cold air had forced its way through my covers. I wrapped the blanket tighter around me. I was feeling cold by the moment, but it was certain he wasn’t. He looked so… comfortable. So serene.
Unconsciously, my eyes started wandering down.
Hinata-kun’s blanket had fallen down slightly, almost revealing his bare chest. ’Maybe I should pull it back a little. Just to take a quick look. But what if I wake him up? It would be so rude of me...’
Hinata-kun’s hand just lay there, slightly closed as if inviting me to grab it. I closed my fist. ’I really shouldn’t….’
I raised my eyes back to his face. To his peaceful, handsome face.
His lips were slightly parted. It was too dark, so I couldn't make out their color.
But I would remember their color even after the end of the world.
I would remember what his voice sounded like even when the universe turned to dust.
I would remember the feeling of his skin even when time itself ceased to exist.
All those feeling at the same time... It was so overwhelming. Too much. Way too much.
My throat tightened. I swallowed, but it didn’t help.
I breathed a little heavier as the surge of feelings swelled in my chest. I felt like my chest couldn’t hold it all. My lungs felt tight, so I had to cough.
”...What are you doing?”
"I was, cough, watching you sleep."
”Ah, of course…”, Hinata muttered, watching me with one eye open, one closed. As if it were too tiring to open both eyes at the same time. It felt like he was looking straight into my soul. He saw through me and into me at the same time. It was a shame he had to wake up because of me.
”Well… try to get some sleep or you’ll feel really bad in the morning..." He was about to go back to sleep, but then opened his eyes again. ”Are you cold?” He looked pointedly at the blanket I was wrapped in. I let it slide lower.
“I’m so, cough, glad you’re concerned for me, cough, but there is no need to worry about me so much!” Just the thought of him being worried about me warmed me up more than any heating blanket or hot water bottle ever could!
It was so amazing how nothing escaped him, not even the smallest details!
Then he did something unthinkable.
“Come on… you should just… You’ll stop freezing.” He gently lifted the edge of the blanket.
”Oh no, no… no, that’s—there’s no need for that.” Someone like me… sleeping in Hinata’s arms? That was unheard of. I mean, really, what was I even thinking just now…?
Sure, it had happened before, almost every night, but wasn’t that a bit outrageous?
I was way over my head. How stupid of me! Getting used to things like that, like a real person.
A guy like me, even for a second, imagining I should be held like that—like I belong there… that’s just ridiculous.
”You don’t have to worry about a loser like me. I’m fine on my own, really. It’s better like-”
”Hey. We talked about this; no self-loathing in bed.”
I shut up. I did promise that.
Hinata-kun yawned. ”So, are you coming or not?”
“I couldn’t possibly… I’m not someone worth that kind of kindness-”
My whole body tensed for a second when he grabbed my hand. My breath caught as he pulled me closer. I found myself with my head resting against his chest.
He is so warm. He smells a little bit sweaty and warm... and just… him.
Hinata-kun muttered something softly, barely audible, and I couldn’t tell if it was a word or just a sound. It made me smile against his chest.
His hand tightened around mine, just a little, and I could feel the steady beat of his heart beneath my ear. Warmth spread through me, and I felt my shoulders relax.
Soon enough, he was snoring again.
Thump-thump-thump
In the quiet room, all I could hear was the steady ticking of the wall clock and the even beat of Hinata-kun’s heartbeat. I just lay there and listened. And listened, and listened.
Thump-thump-thump
’Something bad is probably going to happen soon.’
I shivered at the sudden thought. It always creeps in when everything’s going well. It stalks its prey, and when you least expect it, it attacks.
Despair.
I really should know better by now, but no, everytime I feel just a hint of happiness, it stands there ready to strike.
And then suddenly, my muscles started tensing, my shoulders hunching, knots forming in my stomach, my heart beating erratically, my hands trembling, my breath catching in my throat-
Thump-thump-thump
The sound was like an arrow of hope, piercing through the despair.
Hinata-kun will carve a path for us even through that despair. Of course, there’s no reason to fear!
I closed my eyes and listened.
Thump-thump-thump