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The world felt like it was buzzing. It wasn’t, but the body high just hit and it was elevating her mood, which she knew would reflect on the other occupant in the room—her best friend, Chris Redfield.
It wasn’t extremely late—just 10—though the pair of them didn’t seem to have a care in the world while they smoked a bowl of weed together.
“Fuck, I feel great for once,” he said before he let out a short chuckle. “I haven’t had weed this good before.”
Jill giggled about this, which caused Chris to laugh, and the pair of them laughed for a bit before finally winding down. The TV was off, and the pair of them were at his apartment, sitting side by side on the couch.
“…hey Chris? I know this is random, but where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She didn’t know why she asked that but even a simple probe into her mind revealed that it was a worry that began to resurface after talks of promotions at work.
“In 5 years? Ask me again in 5 hours,” Chris quipped, but Jill pressed him:
“No, really… I meant more along the lines of, do you have any plans to… leave RC?”
Chris looked over at her, and rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“I guess it depends. So far, no, I… I actually feel like this city is home, you know? Most of my friends are here, and I dunno. This job’s dangerous, but good, the city’s small enough that it isn’t impersonal living here, and big enough that most of the stuff I miss about NYC or Vegas is here too. So, I don’t see myself leaving any time soon, but… that shit is almost never up to me, I’ve upended my entire life more than 5 different times so I’m just rolling with the punches,” Chris said, a faraway look in his eyes.
She felt an overwhelming sense of sadness suddenly at the idea of Chris leaving. She had grown to really care for him and enmesh herself in his life and vice versa. She even had her own side of the bed when she came over. Half her things were there in the apartment, and she stayed over so often that he started buying things for her—tampons, her shampoo, the things she used that he didn’t—to have when she was visiting.
“Well, what if you had a choice of where you could be in 5 years, what would you want to do and…if you left RC… would you have room for me, too?”
Chris glanced over to her, as if he were considering her in full. Jill was not smiling but her eyes made it clear she was hoping he would say yes.
“If I had a choice?” he paused, making a face to demonstrate that he had never even considered that a possibility. “I’ll be honest, I don’t know what I would want to do, but I do have a question for you: why would you want to come with me if I left RC?” He asked, the confusion in his voice clear.
Why would he be surprised I want to go with him?
“I… I don’t know, I just… we do everything together, I just thought you wouldn’t mind me coming with you,” Jill said, her gaze landing on the coffee table in front of them. She felt stupid for asking now. “I’m sorry, it was stupid of me to presume.”
“I think… you misunderstand me, I love your company, Jill, I never mind you coming with me, but I just don’t understand why you’d want to come with me. I mean, we’re partners because our job told us to work together but… you’re not obligated to go with me if I leave, I wouldn’t force you to have to tolerate me any more than you already do. I don’t want you to think you have to stay with me, I’ll be okay,” Chris said, and Jill felt hurt.
“…do you think I’m forcing myself to be here, with you?”
“Now? No. But I think that… you might have felt the desire to get along with me so I wouldn’t give you a hard time. You don’t have to… do that anymore, you know? I mean, I’d like to think that I’ve proven that I would never treat you badly,” Chris said, and Jill felt like crying, suddenly.
Chris must have felt something was wrong, because she watched his expression change and he frowned at her, even though her expression had not changed and she gave no outward signs of sadness.
“Why did that make you sad?” His voice was soft, like he was afraid of hurting her further. “Did I say something wrong?”
“No,” Jill said, sniffling and standing. “You’re fine, I’m not sad. Allergies.”
She headed to the bathroom, rubbing her arms in a self soothing manner. When the door closed, she heard Chris groan to himself.
“Hey girl… aww, you’re sweet, but I’m not sad,” she heard Chris said, presumably to his cat. Jill splashed cold water on her face and blew her nose. The shock of the cold water stopped her from crying, and she dried off and left the bathroom.
When she emerged, Chris looked over and stood up quickly. His cat Bingo was standing by his leg, head butting him affectionately.
“Jill, listen, I’m sorry, I—”
“It’s fine,” Jill said, sitting on the couch. She leaned over and packed another bowl into the vaporizer and turned it on. It wasn't fine, and she still felt sad.
“…where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Chris asked her, grabbing them a pair of beers and opening them. He came back to sit with Jill, handing her a bottle. The pair of them clanked them together gently and drank. When they were done, Jill let the question hang in the air a beat longer before confessing,
“Well, I thought I’d be with you, wherever you were.”
“With me? Why?” He asked, giving her a puzzled look. Jill sighed.
“Chris, look at the time. It’s just past 10. I work tomorrow. Early, actually, as do you. Instead of sleeping, which I definitely need to do, I’m here on the other side of the fucking city, on your couch, smoking weed with you. I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t like you, you oughta know this by now. Don’t you get it?”
“Get what? I don’t—I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Why are you asking me these things?” Chris asked, his brows furrowing. His tone was defensive and she could feel the emotional walls coming up, something he never did with her. He only shut down like that when he felt he was about to be hurt.
“Forget it. I should go home. I’ll see you tomorrow, Chris,” Jill said, putting her bottle on the table and standing. She began to gather her things, and headed for the door. He followed her, as she got ready to go, so he could walk her to the exit. She stopped and looked over at him, her eyes sad. She could see he was sad too.
“I’m sorry for… asking that. I’m sorry for just… ruining the night,” Jill said, her eyes on the ground.
“You didn’t ruin the night. We were just talking. I’m not mad. I’d… like it if you came back but if you’d rather go home, I’m not going to stop you.”
She looked up at him.
“I need to be alone, so I’m going to go home, but I want you to do me a big favor. I need you to promise you’ll do it before I tell you,” Jill said, putting her hands on her hips. Chris grumbled but verbally affirmed he would keep his promise.
“When I leave, I want you to sit on the couch and really, really think about what I told you. I meant it when I said I don’t hang out with people I don’t like. I don’t pretend to like people and I like you, Chris. I like you a lot, actually.
“You’re one of the most important people in my life. I care about you so deeply, it’s not even funny. I really would do anything you asked me to and more, without a moment’s hesitation. I trust you more than anyone on this planet. If you told me to jump, I would ask you how high. You know I would take a bullet for you if I had to. It’s insulting to me that you think that after all this time, after everything we’ve been through, that you could still possibly think I was forcing myself to tolerate you. It’s ridiculous. I would be laughing if I wasn’t so fucking hurt. I’ll see you at work,” Jill said, leaving the apartment.
“Jill, wait…”
Jill didn’t stop. She knew if she would, she’d end up crying.
When Jill got home half an hour later, she saw that Chris had called her a few times. He left a message which went,
“Hey, uh—fuck—I’m sorry that I… upset you. I know you’re pissed at me, but please, lemme-know-when you get home… Call me or whatever… I just… want to know you got home ok.”
His words were slurred, and he sounded like he’d been drinking, which meant he was crossfaded. She let out a soft sigh through her nose and called him back, her fingers hovering over the button to hang up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Chris? I just got home and I got your message. Have you been drinking?”
“Yeah,” Chris said, “but it’s not a lot.”
“…what do you consider ‘a lot’?”
“Goddamn it Jill, I just wanted to know if you fucking got home safe, I don’t need you to lecture me. I’m glad you got back safe. Good night.”
He hung up abruptly, which left Jill feeling numb. She hung up the phone and began going through the motions to get ready for bed. She turned out the light when she passed it and flopped onto her bed, squeezing her eyes shut to stave off the tears she knew were waiting to come out.
She woke a little while later to the sound of her buzzer going off. Jill reached out to the wall and hit the button to let whoever it was in. After a few seconds, she let it go and burrowed beneath the sheets again, hoping that whoever had buzzed the apartment had gotten it wrong.
She should be so lucky.
The sound of the doorbell rang, and Jill thought of ignoring it. She peeked out of her blanket cocoon to observe what time it was. It was a little past 1:15 in the morning. She sighed inwardly, but slipped out of bed. She put on a hoodie that she had hanging off the back of her chair as she headed to the door to greet her visitor.
She knew it was Chris the instant she approached the door.
She always knew when he was around, because she could feel it. She could feel him.
After taking a deep breath, she opened the door and quickly stepped aside as Chris nearly fell in from where he’d been leaning on the door. She locked up behind him and gave him a wide berth as she made her way to the kitchen table, the path to which was being partially blocked by Chris.
“Chris, what are you doing here?” Jill asked, hugging herself as she sat down to talk with him.
“I needed to tell you something important,” he started. He didn’t sound as drunk as he did earlier. Nevertheless, Jill frowned at his words.
“It couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”
“No, it can’t,” Chris said, taking a seat across from her. He removed his sweater and then his undershirt so he was topless.
“What are you doing now?” Jill asked, watching him and wishing he would just leave. He must have sensed he was unwanted because he paused and sat up straight.
“I was getting comfortable, I… just assumed I could stay. Am I making you uncomfortable?” he asked, the concern apparent in his tone. She nodded.
“I’m so sorry. I’ll go home. Ah, fuck. I had something I wanted to tell you, but you’re right, it can wait until tomorrow,” Chris said, putting his undershirt and his sweater back on.
“…how did you get here? Please tell me you took a cab…”
“Are you crazy? Hell no! I walked,” he said, as if it were obvious. Jill blinked.
“You… walked here from your house? Why? What was it that was so important that it couldn’t wait until tomorrow?” Jill asked, now annoyed that Chris had put himself in danger to walk to her apartment just for her to tell him to go home. He looked at her in full and spoke, the conviction in his words giving him an air of confidence that he otherwise lacked in that moment:
“I thought about what you said. I want to give you a real answer now that I’ve actually thought about it. You asked me where I would be in 5 years and I want you to know that I’ll be wherever you are. Right beside you. I don’t care about anything else. As long as you’re there, we can figure something out… that was all. I didn’t want to say it over the phone, you deserve better than that and I didn’t want it to wait because you’re important to me too—it was important for me to tell you that. Good night Jill. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable, I’m still a little fucked up.”
He made the motions to leave, heading for the door with an unsteady gait.
“Chris… you can’t go home like that. I’m not letting you walk back. Stay here, please, or let me drive you…” Jill said quietly, not looking at him. He walked over, though she didn’t observe this, instead only realizing the distance between them was nonexistent when his hand touched her chin. Slowly, she looked up at him, her sad eyes meeting his worried ones, and she hugged him, suddenly.
“I don’t want to lose you, Chris. I can’t… lose you. You mean too much to me. Please, just stay,” Jill said, her voice slightly muffled by his clothes. “Don’t go back out there.”
She wasn’t talking about outside. She felt Chris finally put his arms around her.
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”