Archive of Our Own

~~~~~

Suguru is used to keeping things within.

When he was a child, he quickly learned that people around him didn't see what he saw. They didn't see the scary creatures lingering in every corner, sometimes resting on people's backs, in isolated alleyways.

The first time he saw those creatures, he was around five. He was hysterical, and nobody around him understood why he was so scared. Instead, they told his parents that something was wrong with their child. That he wasn't born right, maybe. It's already bad enough that he's an omega, and now he's haunted? Maybe possessed?

His parents never said anything to him. But at the end of the day, they were simpletons who would never understand what Suguru was trying to explain between his hiccuping sobs. Suguru learned to notice the looks they would give each other—worried, confused and sometimes, annoyed.

Eventually, Suguru stopped speaking up about it. He learned to retreat into a corner and keep to himself. He kept his hand to his mouth to force himself to stay silent and not scream when those creepy things appeared.

He started keeping things to himself.

Absorb. Contain. Suppress.

When he was slightly older and accidentally exorcised a curse until it turned into some orb, he said nothing. When he felt this magnetic pull towards the urge to consume it, he didn't say anything. He suffered silently, understanding his reason for existence. This is what he was meant to do.

Absorb curses. Contain his disgust. Suppress his pain.

His omega status gave him far less grief than his technique, to the point that when he got his first heat, he cried to himself in relief for finally getting a reprieve from ingesting curses. Sure, he loved to see his parents living in peace after Suguru got rid of all the curses looming around in their household, and to see people from his village somewhat thriving after Suguru went on a hunt every fortnight and exorcised the curses haunting them all.

But those few days that he had to himself, where he was almost mindless in pain and want, when his body was preparing itself slowly and steadily towards adulthood, he felt like he was normal. Like the way omegas at school described getting their cramps and heats. He felt like he was one of them. Finally, he could relate.

When Yaga scouted him and told him what it all really was, and what importance his technique holds in society, he was equal parts relieved and anxious. He has to move to Tokyo and finally away from his conservative village. He has heard of cities being more open to omegas and less oppressive in general.

But he was also anxious about being away from his parents, who, despite never figuring out what plagued their only son so much that he withdrew completely, always tried to keep him happy. And they let him go, after Yaga assured them.

Once at Jujutsu High, Suguru quickly understood that Tokyo might be less oppressive to omegas, but one couldn't say the same for the Jujutsu society, which was still conservative and looked down upon omegas.

Once again, Suguru learned to suppress his anger and contain his resentment.

When Suguru watched Satoru exhaust himself and other young sorcerers falling like flies because of the higher-ups' negligence, Suguru kept trying to keep it to himself, to mourn silently. When Riko was killed, he pulled back and let the grief and anger consume him instead. When Toji tried to...when he tried to violate Suguru...Suguru kept it to himself.

When Haibara died, the walls closed in on Suguru until he completely broke from the inside.

And then he went to the village. He met the Hasaba twins. He thrashed the evil man who proudly claimed how he tortured the little girls and put them in a cage, until Satoru stopped him and took him away.

Suguru stopped absorbing curses. He stopped containing his resentment and told Satoru everything. He stopped suppressing his pain and let Satoru soothe him through it all.

He decided to live for himself, for Satoru and for the little life growing inside him.

And then came Satoshi. If Satoru is his heart, then Satoshi is his soul. He is a part of Suguru. For the first time, he associated his body with creating something, pushing something beautiful out to the world instead of ingesting the pain and sorrows of the world and weighing him down with it.

Giving birth to Satoshi was like giving birth to a new version of himself. It was a renaissance of his soul. Suguru was over the moon.

So, he decided to ride the high by getting pregnant again, within months of just having given birth. He had found a new calling.

The second pregnancy was far from smooth-sailing, as his first one had been.

This one wreaked havoc.

_____

It was a normal Tuesday until it wasn't anymore.

Suguru had woken up, fed Satoshi, and put him down for a nap, after which he was supposed to go about his day. But just as he was about to pick the laundry basket up, a sharp, shooting pain left him completely shaken.

It was a good thing that his phone was nearby.

Satoru is back home after cutting his mission short, immediately packing his bag while Suguru panics.

"Satoru, she isn't supposed to come out for another month," Suguru says as he clutches his overgrown belly.

He wouldn't be stressed out over the baby being ready to come out if it weren't for the fact that Suguru is only eight months pregnant. Sure, he had been moaning every day about how he hates being pregnant in the summer heat and that he couldn't wait for their baby girl to be out, but he didn't want it to happen this way!

Besides, Suguru hadn't been ready to give birth at the clinic.

When he was pregnant with Satoshi, he had decided that he'd absolutely not go to the sorcerer-run hospital. He didn't want to give Jujutsu society any ammunition or any chance to come close to him or his baby. It's bad enough that Satoru continues to be embroiled in their politics.

And there was no way he would go to a hospital run for monkeys, by monkeys.

So, home birth was the best option for him. And Shoko had been there by his side, while a trained sorcerer and midwife helped him bring baby Satoshi into the world.

But that option was ruled out for his second pregnancy, because…it is a high-risk one.

It was around the thirty-week mark when Suguru was diagnosed with preeclampsia. After finding out what it was, Satoru cancelled all plans of homebirth and told him that they had to go to the clinic, because he wasn't risking Suguru's life at any chance. For the first time after the village mission, Satoru had gone against Suguru's wishes and put his foot down.

Suguru agreed in that moment, but he had been hoping to change Satoru's mind one day. But he didn't know they'd run out of time so quickly.

"Suguru, maybe it's a false alarm, who knows?"

"You look rather prepared for a false alarm, though, Satoru," Suguru says, frowning as Satoru finishes packing the hospital bag in five minutes. He's a pretty hands-on husband and father, and Suguru would appreciate it a lot more if it weren't for the situation. He really doesn't want to go to the hospital.

"Suguru, they'd think a thousand times before laying a hand on you or our baby to do something harmful. They know not to mess with a Gojo. So, please, I beg you. Just come along, baby."

Satoru grabs his hand and looks at him with those puppy eyes that Suguru can never quite say no to. He's starting to think Satoshi is learning very quickly from his Papa, too, because the little one is already weaponising his cuteness to get his way. Suguru is only a weak man.

"Fine. But I want Shoko there."

"Already texted her. She'll be there. Now, can we go?"

Suguru really doesn't have any points in his favour to keep on fighting this. And the pain shooting down his back is getting more unbearable as time stretches on.

"Fiiine. Let's go," Suguru says, putting on the slippers Satoru lays out for him. Once Satoru deems him ready, he grabs Satoshi and Suguru and teleports right into the room that seems to already be preparing for him.

Nurses and two doctors buzz around the room, setting everything up. Satoru lets them pull Suguru away to get him ready for a check-up. From the corner of his eye, he can see Satoru talking to Shoko outside the room. But when he tries to keep his eyes open for too long, he starts seeing black spots in his vision.

Suguru wants to say something, to reach out to either or both of them, but the mind-numbing pain leaves him unable to speak.

Another wave hits before he can articulate something. It’s a crushing pressure that starts in his head and slams downward. His vision splinters again and there are black dots and flashes of light. His fingers twitch uncontrollably against the sheets.

"Suguru, can you hear me?"

"Satoru—" Suguru tries to say. He swallows when he feels his throat going dry.

" He's outside. He said you wanted me here. Suguru, are you sure you don't want him here instead?"

"Outside," Suguru says, finally. "Need…him outside. He'll get too worried. And Satoshi…"

"I know you don't trust anybody here to hold him. I can hold him and let Gojo be in here instead. I think it would be better for you two—"

"No!" Suguru says as another contraction hits him like a truck. Fuck, it was not this bad when he gave birth to Satoshi.

"Suguru, look at me," Shoko’s voice sharpens, one hand coming up to steady his face. "Stay with me."

"I—" He tries to speak. “Something’s…something's wrong—"

"I know," she says, caressing his hair. "Your blood pressure’s too high. You’re going into eclampsia."

The word barely registers. All that Suguru can now feel is the sharp, violent pain in his abdomen, and he gasps, curling in instinctively.

Shoko’s eyes flick downward, then back to his face and then something clicks into place behind her gaze.

"…How long has that been happening?"

"What?" Suguru asks as he blinks at her, disoriented.

"That pain. That looks really painful."

"I don’t…." He shakes his head weakly, immediately regretting it as the room spins. "Since, before…maybe—"

Another contraction hits, and this time it steals the rest of his words completely. His breath is punched out of him, his fingers clawing at the sheets as his back arches slightly off the bed.

Around him, there's a lot that's happening, but he doesn’t fully see it. He can sense some movement in his periphery, though. Some drawers are opening here and there. There's also the metallic clatter of instruments. He can hear someone calling for something, and there are numbers and instructions floating around.

"He’s been contracting for a while," Shoko says to the others, not taking her eyes off Suguru. "And he didn’t even realise."

There’s a beat of stunned silence that follows before everything speeds up.

Suguru’s head lolls slightly to the side, consciousness slipping like sand through his fingers. The sounds stretch and distort. Sometimes, they are too loud, and sometimes they are too far. "I don’t…" he whispers, barely audible. "I didn’t know—"

"I know," Shoko murmurs, softer again. Her thumb presses briefly, reassuringly, against his forehead. "Your pain tolerance’s stupidly high. That’s not helping you right now."

He lets out a weak, almost disbelieving breath that might have been a laugh in any other situation. And then, another contraction builds before he can recover, and this one is way worse. It crashes through him and forces a broken scream from his throat. His body knows now, even if his mind is lagging. There’s no mistaking it anymore.

He's in labour.

"Shoko, I can’t…!" His voice shakes. "Shoko, I…this isn’t—this isn’t how—”

"I know," she cuts in, firmly, but her tone isn't unkind. “But we don’t have the luxury of plans right now.”

Before he can respond, his attention is drawn to his vision, which whites out at the edges. The pressure in his skull spikes again, too much, too fast—

"Suguru, stay with me," Shoko demands. Her voice is the only solid thing left. "You’re safe here," she says, and this time there’s something sharper underneath it, something protective. "No one’s touching your baby unless I say so. You understand me?"

That finally gets through to Suguru. He drags his gaze back to her, trying to keep his vision focused but failing to. "You promise?"

Shoko doesn’t hesitate, of course.

"I promise."

Another contraction tears through him before he can hold onto the moment. His body jerks, a strangled cry breaking free as pain, pressure and dizziness collide at once. Distantly, he can hear the monitors spike. He can hear somebody swear under their breath. Maybe Shoko.

"The pressure’s climbing!"

"We’re running out of time."

Shoko’s hand tightens just slightly against his face, anchoring him as the world threatens to disappear again.

"Suguru," she says, steady and unyielding. "Listen to me."

He barely manages a sound in response.

"You’re in labour," she tells him clearly. "And it’s moving fast. So you don’t get to check out on me now."

~~~~~

Suguru unzips his hoodie and watches as Satoshi latches on to his nipple, his wailing dying down immediately. Suguru smiles, wiping away tears and squeezing his son's rosy cheeks. Satoshi can be a fussy baby sometimes.

As Satoshi's eyes flutter shut, Suguru leans back fully on the couch, looking at the door every few minutes, as if Satoru will walk through it any moment. Not that Satoru ever uses the door anymore, especially since he completely mastered teleportation.

Suguru has news for Satoru.

He bites his lip and runs his hand over his belly.

He's pregnant again, and it's only been around five months since he last gave birth. Shoko had been really mad at him in the afternoon when she dropped by with the pregnancy test kits. She had called him reckless and stupid and called Satoru worse things. Suguru had to tell her that it wasn't entirely Satoru's fault. She had walked out of the apartment after that. 

Suguru knows she'll come around eventually, so he didn't make much of her reaction. Besides, not everybody would understand why he's doing this. Why does he want to get pregnant at nineteen with his second baby?

How is he supposed to explain that he never believed his body was capable of creating something so beautiful after years of swallowing disgusting curse balls? How is he supposed to explain that the concept of being able to give birth is the only thing that is keeping him going when he has only been surrounded by the death of the people he cared about? How will she understand that he feels so terribly alone sometimes, even when he has Satoru? How will she ever understand that Suguru needs a purpose in life, or else he's going to go down a spiral that will eventually lead him to wanting to get rid of non-sorcerers?

She won't get it, so Suguru doesn't want to explain.

Sometimes, Satoru doesn't get it, either.

Satoru has never been someone who has envisioned becoming a parent. From what Suguru knows now, Satoru never even imagined mating someone, let alone having children with them. Until he met Suguru. And when they found out about Suguru's pregnancy a few days after Satoru pulled him and the twins out of the village, plans were already set in stone.

But his plans didn't include Suguru getting pregnant again. And Suguru knows Satoru will not be too happy about Suguru risking his life just to have another child when they could wait.

"Hey, Suguru," Satoru's voice pulls him out of his thoughts. "Can I have some, too?"

Suguru rolls his eyes as Satoru comes to sit next to him.

"Our son needs it. Don't be greedy, Satoru," Suguru says, resting his head on Satoru's shoulder. "How was your day?"

"Same old. The geezers are pissed that we eloped and got married in court. Nothing can make them happy, I swear. Shouldn't they be overjoyed that we didn't demand a grand wedding?"

Suguru shakes his head. He's very happy with the way they got married. Only with their baby boy and their friends as their witnesses. Sure, he briefly thought about his parents being there, but then he remembered that he had, for just a few moments, entertained the thought of killing them.

"They'll never be happy," Suguru says and then purrs as his alpha scents him. They spend a few moments like that, snuggled together, while Suguru nurses a sleepy Satoshi. Suguru loves these rare moments of quiet. It's not often Satoru gets to come back before bedtime, burdened with responsibilities that he is. Suguru can't complain when he's the reason Satoru is running around in the first place.

When Satoru stood up for Suguru against the higher-ups and the Gojo clan, he was given an ultimatum by the clan. Pick Suguru or the Gojo family trust funds. Satoru picked the former, and they had to move out of the dorms. Suguru lost his sorcerer license, and Satoru lost access to the trust fund set up for him. The latter is the least of his worries because Satoru plans to get rid of the old geezers anyway.

But there was still the matter of being the only special grade sorcerer. And if they needed to keep their apartment and put food on the table, Satoru had to take all the missions he could get.

So, here they are.

Things are looking better, though. Satoru said that once he turns twenty-one, he can overthrow the clan elders and completely take over. All they need to do is wait.

"You smell so good, Suguru. I didn't know you could still have that milky scent after giving birth. Is it because you're nursing?"

Suguru laughs it off nervously and shifts away from Satoru as he clears his throat.

"Satoru, I have something to show you," Suguru says, leaning down to pick up the box he kept by his feet. "Open it."

"My birthday isn't until next month, baby."

"Just open it."

"Okay, okay."

Suguru looks at Satoshi, who has fallen asleep and has unlatched as well. He moves Satoshi gently until his little face is buried in Suguru's neck, his nose pressed against Suguru's scent gland. It always helps to keep the baby calm.

"Uh, is this what I think it is?" Satoru asks, staring at the pregnancy test.

"What do you think it is?" Suguru asks, slightly exasperated.

"Suguru, you're pregnant?!"

"Looks like it."

"Suguru. Satoshi was just born. Holy shit, Suguru, I thought I used protection during our shared rut and heat the last time?"

"I guess we missed that one time?" Suguru offers.

Satoru turns to look at him. Like, really look at him. And he doesn't look too happy.

"I thought we used condoms each time? I don't think I knotted you?"

"Satoru. I also had my heat, remember? I don't remember a lot of things…Besides, we had to keep an eye on Satoshi too—"

"Suguru, I'm not blaming you. I was just asking. I'm just wondering how this even happened. Fuck, isn't this too early? Has your body even completely healed?"

"Satoru, many couples have two babies back-to-back—"

"That's not the issue, though. Are you recovered? Fuck, I knew we should've spent the rut and heat apart."

Suguru didn't expect the discussion to go this way. Some delusional part of him thought Satoru would be happy.

"Is it a problem, Satoru? That I'm pregnant again?" Suguru asks, trying not to let his emotions get ahead of him. But, fuck, his hormones have been all over the place since he got pregnant with Satoshi and then after he was born. And now that he's pregnant again, it's the same cycle all over again.

"Suguru, baby, are you crying? I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just…Look, I was just worried, okay? I wasn't given much sex ed to begin with, which may explain why we are here for the second time, but even I know that you're too young to get pregnant for the second time, so soon, at that."

Suguru nods, but he does feel disappointed that Satoru doesn't reciprocate his excitement. Maybe he should've seen it coming. Satoru can barely spend enough time with them, and now, with another baby, he'll just be missing out on more.

"You want to keep it?" Satoru asks.

Suguru rubs Satoshi's back and presses his nose against it, taking a whiff of Satoshi's milky scent. It always calms him down. Suguru needed Satoshi as much as Satoshi needed him, huh?

"Will you hate me if I said yes?" Suguru asks, his voice quiet. Satoru doesn't say anything for a beat, but then he scoots closer and gathers Suguru in his arms. Satoshi stirs awake and blinks at Satoru before there is some recognition and joy in those round, blue eyes. He wriggles in excitement, as if he can't wait to be in his Papa's arms right away.

The conflict in Satoru's eyes is replaced by happiness at the sight of his son, and he takes Satoshi in his arms. He's not awkward or brutish anymore and is so natural with it that Suguru can't even tell that he struggled to hold Satoshi for the first month of the baby's life.

"Another one like this, huh?" Satoru asks, bouncing Satoshi and watching him giggle and flap his hands in the air before tapping his face with his tiny palms. Satoru brings Satoshi close, kissing him on the cheek as he lets Satoshi rest against his chest. "Are you sure you can handle it, Suguru? It's your body that has to grow another baby."

Suguru hums as he admires the sight. His days are tiring, but it's always rewarding at the end when he sees the two loves of his life together.

"I want it, Satoru. But, if you don't want to…" Suguru trails off as he shifts his gaze to the floor.

"I only ever want you to be happy, Suguru. If you want this baby, then we will have this baby, okay?"

~~~~~

How can everything collapse so fast?

Just last night, Satoru took Suguru and Satoshi out for some late-night ice cream. Everything was going so well. Suguru had laughed at some stupid joke Satoru had cracked while he fed Satoshi some ice cream. Satoru had licked ice cream off Suguru's nose and made him laugh. They had kissed under the moonlight with Satoshi between them, giggling as he got smushed between their chests.

And now, Satoru watches Suguru fighting for his life, trying to push their baby out.

Satoshi stirs against him.

"Shh," Satoru murmurs automatically, though his voice is tight. "It’s okay."

It's not, though. But if he falls apart, then who will look after Satoshi?

He sees Shoko stepping out, and the look on her face has Satoru's blood going cold.

"Shoko, what's happening?"

"No time to explain. Suguru needs you in there, even if he says he doesn't. Be there for him, Satoru," Shoko says, and the use of his first name doesn't go unnoticed. Shoko seldom uses his first name.

She makes a grab for Satoshi, who whines at being separated from him, but Satoru really needs to be there for his mate right now. For the love of his life. But the look on his son's face really does tug at his heartstrings.

He leans down to kiss Satoshi on the forehead.

"Look after him for a while," he says, even though he doesn't need to. Shoko is the only person at the moment that he can trust Satoshi with. "Don’t let him see—"

"I won’t," Shoko cuts in. Their eyes meet for half a second, and there is a mutual understanding about the grim situation that they're in. Satoru takes a step back as Shoko tucks Satoshi securely against her, stepping away from the door.

Satoru enters the room, and it all feels wrong immediately. Suguru's pheromones are going haywire, and he's as pale as a ghost. His lashes flutter, but his eyes don’t fully open. His body tenses and releases in uneven intervals, with each contraction pulling something broken and silent out of him, as if even his voice is starting to fail.

It's almost as if he's….

Fuck no. Satoru won't even entertain that thought. He can't even fathom the concept of Suguru being…no.

No.

Satoru's control starts slipping, and he loses the vice-like grip he usually maintains on his infinity, his scent and his pheromones. As for his infinity, it’s not visible, not to anyone without the senses for it, but the room reacts anyway. The pressure warps just slightly, and the barrier that he puts between himself and the world collapses, making his presence oppressive to everybody around him. His pheromones spike hard, and his instinct overrides reason as he floods the space with something frantic.

Gone is the façade of the Strongest Sorcerer, the Six Eyes.

Right now, he is just Satoru. Suguru's Satoru.

"Gojo-sama."

A nurse snaps her fingers sharply, and it grounds Satoru a little. Then someone presses something into his hand. "Scent patches," she says, already moving. "Now. Or you need to step out."

Satoru has to tear his gaze away from Suguru to the scent patches in his hands.

"Satoru," Suguru whispers as his head lolls to the side and attempts to make eye contact with him.

It’s barely a sound, but it's enough to break Satoru out of his haze. He immediately slaps the patches on his exposed scent glands, and the effect is immediate. It dulls the sharp edge of his scent and cages it in.

He immediately joins Suguru's side and takes Suguru's limp hand in his, rubbing hard to have some semblance of warmth and life. "I am right here, baby," he says. "I am not going anywhere."

"Do not..." Suguru manages, his voice breaking apart. "Do not let them harm her..."

"They are not doing anything without our consent," Satoru interrupts gently but firmly. "No one is making decisions about the baby without us. Do you understand?"

Suguru nods, and Satoru wipes the sweat off his forehead and smoothens his hair. There is a moment of calm before Suguru’s body tenses sharply, and a strained sound escapes him as the pain takes over again. The monitors react immediately.

After the contraction passes, Suguru does not recover the way he should. He goes too still.

Satoru's heart drops to his stomach.

"Suguru?!"

But there is no response. The staff around him is bustling, around him but everything feels like a blur and also as if his life has come to a standstill. Satoru grips Suguru's hand tightly as he calls for Suguru again.

"He is losing consciousness," He hears someone say.

"Bring him back," another voice replies. "Now."

Satoru barely registers that as his own voice. He feels as though he is having an out-of-body experience—but the worst kind one can ever experience.

"What is happening?" He demands as Suguru remains unmoving.

"We need you to step aside for a moment, Gojo-sama."

"I am not leaving him."

"You are not being asked to leave," the nurse says firmly. Bravely, even. "You are being asked to give us space to work." Sensing that there is no room for negotiation in her tone, and also noticing Suguru's fingers twitching in his hand, Satoru cooperates. He steps back but stays close, near the head of Suguru's bed.

Across the room, the pace increases, and there is an unmistakable urgency in every move that makes Satoru's chest feel tight.

And in the middle of it, someone approaches him.

"We need your signature."

That is the worst thing someone can say to you while the love of your life is trying to give birth to your child. Satoru wonders for a moment if he's living his worst nightmare. He's desperate for all of this just to be a really fucked up nightmare, and that he can wake up to a reality where Suguru is not almost on his deathbed.

"Gojo-sama, we might need to make a critical decision," the nurse explains. "If complications escalate."

Satoru takes it, and he reads it. The words swim in his vision, and he has to try really hard to focus. And maybe, his vision blurs with…tears.

If everyone in the room sees the tears in the eyes of the Strongest sorcerer in the Jujutsu society, they don't say anything about that.

"You may not have much time to decide," the doctor adds. "We will follow whatever you authorise here. Of course, our priority is to save both the mother and the baby."

Satoru’s grip tightens on the paper.

Next to him, Suguru makes a faint, strained sound. It's like he has come back to life all of a sudden. He snaps back into it, his body jerking against the hands that reach out to keep him steady.

"No! No, please, wait!" Suguru pleads, his voice frantic and raw. His eyes are wide now, burning with desperation as they dart around the room, trying to make sense of what he’s hearing. "No, you don’t get to—" His voice cracks, and he's unravelling very quickly. "None of you gets to decide that but me!"

"Suguru—"

"Save the baby."

The words hit Satoru like a slap in the face.

"Do you hear me?" Suguru’s voice climbs higher, and his panic bleeds into every word. "If something goes wrong, you save the baby. I don’t care what happens to me—just—"

His body seizes with another contraction, cutting him off with a strangled cry. He curls instinctively, hands gripping at anything they can find.

"Please…" he forces out through it, shaking as sobs wrack his fragile body. "Please, just…save the baby…”

"We understand," one of the doctors says carefully. "But legally, the final authorisation has to come from your spouse."

Suguru goes still for a moment. And then his gaze shoots up to Satoru, who dodges eye contact. It's an uncomfortable situation and a rather unfortunate reminder of the system that they all exist in. Even if Suguru has kept himself away from it all and lived in blissful ignorance for the past year or two, reality often hits you when you least expect it.

"Satoru." This time, Suguru's voice is not pleading, but demanding. There is fear in those beautiful eyes, and there's panic. "Save the baby," he says again, more forcefully this time, even as his voice trembles. "If it comes down to it, you save the baby. Do you understand me?"

Satoru doesn't answer immediately.

"Satoru!" Suguru screams, and Satoru finally meets his gaze.

Despite the mania in Suguru's voice, Satoru remains still. Or, numb might be the right choice of words, although his mind is racing with a million thoughts.

He thinks of Satoshi. The way their son had curled against them just last night. He's still so young. He must be waiting for his Mama. He probably doesn't understand why he's being kept away from his parents right now.

He thinks of the mornings he wakes up next to Suguru.

He thinks of all the things he wants to say to Suguru. All the things he wants to do with him.

He tries to think of a life where Suguru doesn't exist anymore. He can't even bear to think of it. No version of his life exists without Suguru in it, now that he knows what life is like after Suguru entered it.

If Suguru is gone, Satoru doesn't know if he will be able to stay standing for too long. If he can be what Satoshi will need him to be in the absence of Suguru.

The clipboard in his hand feels heavy with a kind of pain that he doesn't think even he, as the strongest, could live with.

"Satoru, do not ignore me! Just do what I am fucking telling you!"

Satoru keeps his gaze fixed on Suguru as he holds his hand out for the pen. He looks at Suguru as he signs.

And he looks at Suguru as he voices out his decision.

"Save Suguru."

Even if you hate me forever, Suguru, I will always save you. Your absence will kill me, but I can live with you hating me forever. Call me selfish. Call me heartless. But I will save you, even if your hatred for me will kill me slowly.

Suguru goes still as he registers what Satoru just said. Even as another contraction hits and the nurses yell, even as they are declaring that the baby is crowning, the two of them look at each other.

Suguru's lips part as if he's about to say something, but it never comes out.

Satoru is left to stew in that moment, coming to terms with the fact that nothing will ever be the same again between him and Suguru.

~~~~~

"Satoru?" Suguru calls out softly.

"Yeah?" Satoru responds and leans down again to continue blowing raspberries on Satoshi's tummy, eliciting gargling laughter out of him. Suguru chuckles as he lies down next to Satoru, resting on his side and propping up his head with his hand.

"I think I know what to name her."

"Our daughter?"

"Hmm. Do you want to know?"

"Of course. Gotta give a name to the little demon that has been terrorising you all these months," Satoru says. poking Suguru's belly gently. Suguru laughs and smacks his hand away.

"Don't call my daughter a demon, Satoru."

"Oh, she's your daughter, now?" Satoru asks, teasing.

"You know what I mean," Suguru says, rolling his eyes, but he can't help but blush. He has been embarrassingly excited ever since he got to know he'd be having a baby girl. Their family, up to this point, is all boys, and Suguru honestly wants a girl to change things up a little. He still mourns the fact that he couldn't meet Nanako and Mimiko often, as they are now settled in with a couple that cares for them deeply and can be more present for them than Suguru can, occupied with his baby and his bouts of depression now and then. He keeps up with them regularly, though, and is happy to know that they're safe and healthy.

"Well, tell me the name. I want to know too!"

Suguru hums and shows Satoru his diary, where he made a list of names for their baby girl. He has crossed out all of them except one.

Satomi.

Satoru looks at Suguru and then laughs, completely endeared.

"You want our kids to be named Satoshi and Satomi, huh? Everyone is going to say that you're obsessed with naming your kids after the love of your life," he says, as he kisses Suguru on the lips. "I like it. She'll live up to her name and be the most clever and beautiful of them all. Just like Mama."

Suguru shakes his head fondly. "She doesn't have to live up to anything. She just has to be herself."

Satoru looks at him and smiles. "

Do you apply that to yourself, too, Suguru?"

For a moment, Suguru doesn't say anything and looks at Satoshi instead, who gurgles and reaches for him.

"I…don't know what you mean by that."

"Hmm," Satoru isn't entirely convinced by that, but he doesn't pursue that conversation, knowing that it would only upset Suguru further. Thankfully, Satoshi breaks the tension by rolling over and crawling towards Suguru, who takes him into his arms and puts him on Satoru's back.

"I need to prepare lunch. Play with him for a while more?"

"Sure."

Suguru clears his throat and walks away, but Satoru's words weigh heavily on him.

_____

When Suguru comes to, the first thing he notices is the lightness. When you have carried something for around eight months, it's hard not to immediately notice its absence.

He can't even bring himself to look at his belly. He doesn't want to acknowledge the reason why he feels physically lighter, but his soul is heavier than ever, with loss.

He stares at the white ceiling, wishing to go back to sleep, where he can still visit a reality where his baby exists. He wishes to go back to a time when Satoru hadn't betrayed him by going against his wishes. Satoru is the only person he trusted with his life, and maybe, he should've known that Satoru would do anything to save him. Even if it meant going against what Suguru wanted and protecting the life Suguru entrusted him with.

Tears wet the pillow on which his head is resting. He closes his eyes, as if that will help numb the pain he feels.

"Gojo-san, you are awake."

Suguru doesn't move. He stays still as the nurse comes to check his vitals. When her hand brushes against his belly, he lets out a broken sound, something between a gasp and a sob, his fingers pressing harder into the bed beneath him.

"Why?"

The nurse looks at him, puzzled.

"Why did you let me live?" He asks, and the nurse has the gall to look stunned. Her expression shifts from shock to concern and settles on uncertainty. She glances briefly toward the door, as if she is checking whether someone else should be here for this conversation.

"Answer me," he says, more forcefully now, though his voice still trembles at the edges. "Can everybody stop ignoring me? Pretending like what I say, how I feel, doesn't matter? You were supposed to—I told you to save the baby. I begged you."

"Gojo-san, you and your baby both made it through."

Suguru goes still.

"What?"

"Your baby girl made it. There were some complications, but she made it. Both of you are stable now."

It's like Suguru comes back to life, hearing those words. Like his heart is beating again. He sits up, wanting to see his daughter right away.

Isn't he supposed to have his daughter close to him? Wasn't he supposed to hold her and scent her? He was supposed to stay awake and welcome her to this world. He was supposed to be there—

“You need to rest. Your body has been through severe trauma—” The nurse says as she takes a small step closer, her hands raised slightly in a calming gesture.

"Where is she? I need to be with her!"

 "The father is with the baby and—"

Suguru’s entire body tenses despite the pain, and his primal, protective instinct overpowers his rationality.

"No."

The word is laced with a kind of ferity that he hasn't felt in a long, long time.

"You let him—" His voice breaks, but the anger underneath it doesn’t. "You let him near my baby?" Suguru demands as he tries to push himself up, and he immediately gasps as the pain tears through him. It's clear that his body is not completely healed, but that doesn't matter to the feral omega in him.

"Get her away from him," he says. "Do you understand me? Get my baby away from him!"

"Please, you need to calm down—"

"He chose to let her die!"

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Suguru knows they're wrong, but his omegan instinct clouds any rationality, any love that he has for his mate. His hands grip the sheets, knuckles going white, and his entire body is trembling now.

"He does not get to touch her," he continues. "He does not get to hold her. That is my baby," Suguru chokes out.

The nurse takes another careful step forward.

"He did not harm your child," she says gently, and her words are laced with caution. "He has been with the baby the entire time. Making sure that—"

"I do not care. I want my baby," he says. "Now."

"I…"

"Bring my baby to me," he demands, his voice shaking with the force of it. "Or I will go myself."

He gives the nurse five seconds before he makes a move.

The tiny, not-feral, rational part of him knows that he's being reckless.

His body protests immediately, too. His legs nearly give out the second they hit the floor, and pain rips through his abdomen so violently it steals the air from his lungs. But that doesn't stop him. He catches himself on the edge of the bed, then the wall, and then on whatever he can reach. As long as he can reach his baby.

"Gojo-san! Please, don't move so suddenly!" The nurse’s panicked voice follows him, but he ignores her. Because there is only one thing on his mind.

My baby.

Sato—

"Suguru, stop!"

He turns sharply, ripping himself free with more force than he should have. It is Shoko, and she looks genuinely startled.

She gets over it, though and straightens her clothes. "You should not even be standing," she says, trying again, stepping into his path. "Your body is not recovered."

"Move," Suguru warns.

There must be something in his expression that makes her pause and reconsider. She must have realised what she's dealing with. She probably knows he's not completely himself at the moment. And that more resistance can make him more volatile.

So, he pushes past her, and she doesn't stop him.

Now that Shoko is out of the way, he focuses on where his instincts lead him. Something in him pulls towards a particular direction.

He turns at the corner that leads him down to a corridor, and he sees the NICU sign.

Wait.

His daughter is a premature baby, isn't she? She was born a few weeks earlier than she was supposed to…

He reaches the glass window that would give him a view of the NICU, and beyond the glass, he finally sees her.

For a moment, he cannot move. He cannot breathe, either. His vision blurs as tears spill over before he can stop them.

She's alive. His pup is alive.

Every inch of him itches to hold his pup in his arms. His Satomi…she's here, and she's not in Suguru's arms. Suguru should be in there with her, scenting her and making her feel safe. Oh, she must be so alone—

"Suguru?"

The voice comes from behind him, immediately pulling him out of his thoughts.

Suguru turns to see Satoru holding Satoshi. His son rests quietly in his father's arms, unaware of the tension.

Satoru takes a step forward. "You should not be out of bed. What are you—"

Satoru's words immediately die in his throat when he sees Suguru's expression.

"You."

"Suguru?" Satoru asks again, reaching out to touch him, but Suguru moves out of reach.

"Do not touch me," he warns. And then, without missing a beat, he steps forward and takes Satoshi from Satoru. Satoshi startles at the sudden movement, letting out a small, confused sound, but Suguru pulls him close immediately, holding him tight against his chest. He doesn't give Satoru a chance to say anything.

He goes back to the glass window, pressing his nose to it as he looks at the small, fragile pup on the other side. He stares at her chest, watching it rise and fall—concrete proof that she did make it. "You are alive," he whispers, his voice trembling. "Oh, Satomi, you're…alive."

Tears spill freely now, his entire body shaking under the weight of his emotions, but also the physical strain he's putting it through.

Satoshi shifts against him, his small hands gripping at his clothing. Suguru presses him closer instinctively, grounding himself in the warmth and the milky scent of his baby boy.

Behind him, Satoru steps forward again.

"Suguru," he says, quieter now. "Listen to me, baby."

"Do not," Suguru hisses, his glare sharp as he turns towards Satoru. "Do not come any closer."

There is only about a couple of feet of distance between them, but it feels as though they are oceans apart.

"Suguru, I did what I had to do," Satoru says. Or maybe, he pleads. Suguru doesn't wish to read into it. "You were…fuck. You were dying!"

Suguru doesn't answer.

"I was not going to lose you, Suguru. There is no way."

"So, you were willing to lose her. The baby that I carried for eight months."

"Suguru, you know why I—"

"I would not have forgiven you," Suguru says, cutting Satoru off. "If she had died. I would not have forgiven you. Or myself."

"Suguru—"

"No." This time, the firmness in Suguru's voice makes Satoru flinch.

"I do not want you near them. They are mine," he says, his voice shaking but firm. "And you do not get to make that choice again."

He doesn't meet Satoru's gaze because if he did, he would have seen the deep hurt in those eyes, a kind of hurt that Satoru can't even bring himself to hide.

_____

Their second child is also an alpha. A female alpha.

When he came to know, there was a flicker of uncertainty in him, maybe. Definitely not disappointment, nothing like that. But there was maybe some worry about her growing into something different from him in ways that might matter later and in ways that might shape how they connect, how they see each other, how the world sees her.

Of course, there's also the matter of raising two alphas, which will prove to be quite the challenge, too.

Oh well.

A week has passed by since Satomi was born, and he has had other, more worrying things to break his head over, like the fact that he can barely hold his daughter.

Suguru is forced to undergo bed rest, especially after the stunt he pulled. He's only allowed to go to the NICU while strapped to a wheelchair because he's still recovering from the trauma of the birth. And while he's restless, deep inside, he's a little relieved, because the pain dulled from unbearable to constant, from constant to manageable, but it never really left.

But the pain caused by the distance supercedes everything.

Satomi is always just out of reach. He can mostly just watch her.

And oh, does he watch her. He cannot stop. He watches the small rise and fall of her chest, the fragile, stubborn rhythm of her breathing. He watches the way her little fingers twitch, or the way her beautiful face shifts in sleep.

He memorises every detail, as if she could still be taken from him if he looks away for too long.

At first glance, she looks like her Papa because of her hair. But when Suguru really looks at her, he feels as though he were seeing a photograph of himself from when he was a baby. The first time he noticed, he was left speechless. And then he felt the urge to grab Satoru and gush about it, only to notice that Satoru wasn't beside him.

Satoru keeps himself out of Suguru's sight when he can. After that day—when Satomi was born—things were never the same.

Satoru comes and goes. No, that would be wrong. Satoru is always there. But he's a lot quieter.

He holds Satomi when the nurses allow it. Suguru gets a glimpse of the eighteen-year-old Satoru, who had been scared of holding Satoshi. But only this time, he doesn't look at Suguru or ask him if he's doing it right. Or maybe, he does, and Suguru just does not meet his eyes.

How can he, when he had told him not to touch her? He had meant it too.

But now, he can't bring himself to stop him. He had been cruel and unyielding then, but now he watches the way Satoru cradles her, his hold impossibly gentle. He watches the way he lowers his head slightly, just enough to brush his nose against the top of her head for the briefest second before pulling back again.

There's also another reason why Suguru can't stop Satoru from holding her.

It's because, for some reason, Suguru is just not able to comfort Satomi. The nurses say that he's still recovering and that maybe his pheromones need to be stable, but Suguru knows that there is something that they're not saying.

~~~~~

The nurse brings Satomi to him carefully, as if she might still break if handled too quickly.

But his joy overpowers his worry. He has been waiting for this. He has been waiting to hold her without glass between them, to feel her weight, her warmth and her sweet baby scent. Something in him finally settles when he holds her and comes to terms with the fact that she is here and that she survived.

His arms tremble as he holds her and brings her closer. He lowers his face just slightly, his breath catching as he finally lets himself inhale her. Oh, she's so soft and warm.

"Satomi…" he murmurs, his voice filled with awe. It feels so right—

Satomi stirs, and there is something that shifts. Suguru doesn’t register it immediately. He is too consumed by the fact that she is in his arms at last. But then, her tiny face scrunches and her breath hitches.

Suguru adjusts his hold instinctively. He has done this before. Sometimes, babies can be fussy and they—

Satomi's body tenses up, and she grows more distressed, and whatever Suguru does, it only makes it worse, because the baby doesn't ease up at all.

"Suguru, I've got her," comes a voice from behind him. Suguru doesn't even realise that Satoru has stepped closer until he is already next to him.

For a split second, something in him resists, but Satomi lets out another small, strained cry. And before Suguru can process it fully, Satoru is already reaching in and taking her. Not forcefully, though.

Satoru's hold is steady and gentle. He shifts her slightly, murmurs something softly, his voice low enough that Suguru can’t make out the words. But Satomi settles immediately, and all the tension leaves her body, her breath evening out as if she's not suffocating anymore.

Suguru's chest twists with an emotion that he doesn't quite recognise. Or maybe he doesn't wish to. He doesn't want it to take root. So he stays quiet.

~~~~~

They are cleared to go home after a week, but only after giving him a long lecture about how important it is for him to rest and recover.

What follows is the most painful car ride that he has ever been in.

Suguru tries to fill the silence by talking to Satoshi, who looks all too happy to see his baby sister. Suguru tells him to be gentle whenever he gets too excited.

There's also a stark difference between the two kids, which is much more obvious now that the two of them interact. Satoshi has always been a sunshine baby—always smiling and playful. Compared to that, Satomi is withdrawn and gets overwhelmed easily, too. For Suguru, who is so used to Satoshi babbling away and constantly demanding his attention, it's rather unsettling. He keeps telling himself that not every child of his will be the same, but the difference is too much for him to digest.

And he wants to say something. He wants to share this with Satoru, but he ruined it, didn't he? He ruined everything.

Satoru won't even meet his eyes. He drives on, his attention fixed on the road ahead.

Suguru has many things he wants to say to Satoru. Gratitude, for one. He isn't blind to what Satoru has done, to the way he has held things together in the aftermath. He has been a quiet, steady presence even when Suguru pushed him away.

But most importantly, he wants to apologise. He wants to apologise for the words he spat at Satoru in anger and hurt. And for the distance, too. And for the way he has not been able to completely let go of his anger.

But every time he tries to form the words, something stops him. And he knows what that thing is, but he's too scared to say it out loud, because it will break the illusion right away. So, he stays quiet.

_____

When they reach their apartment, Satoru takes Satoshi in his arms while Suguru pushes the stroller. Satoru watches every step that Suguru takes, ready to intervene at the slightest hint of struggle, but Suguru pushes through.

Satoru unlocks the door and steps aside without comment, giving him room to go in first. The consideration would be nice if it didn't feel so suffocating. He wishes Satoru would say something—anything. Just to break the tension between them. But he can't fault Satoru for it when he's too much of a coward to do it.

The apartment is the same, and yet it is not. At first glance, everything is familiar with the same quiet traces of their shared life, but some things reflect the change in their lives. Now, there is another crib that has been set up near their bed, assembled neatly. Supplies are arranged within easy reach. The space has been made more accommodating for two children, instead of one.

It's nothing extravagant, but it's thoughtful in a way that leaves Suguru choked up. He had been so stressed about Satomi's well-being that he had completely forgotten that they hadn't finished preparing for Satomi's arrival. But Satoru had arranged for everything to be in place for when they came home.

Again, he wants to say something.

But would a simple thank you be enough?

He glances towards Satoru, and what he sees breaks him further.

Satoru stands a short distance away as if he doesn't wish to intrude. His posture is stiff, and there's no attempt to lighten the mood or no easy smile to fill the silence. Suguru feels cruel for even expecting Satoru to do any of that after what transpired between them.

Suguru exhales slowly, steadying himself. He steps further into the apartment and into something that feels both familiar and irreparably altered.

______

Everything feels wrong because the days that follow do not fall into place the way Suguru expects them to.

With Satoshi, everything had come instinctively. Sure, there had been exhaustion with all the sleepless nights. But unlike the first time, he doesn't feel the same ease that he felt the first time around.

For example, Satoshi had been a clingy baby, always seeking him out.

Satomi is not like that.

She is just…distant in a way Suguru can't quite understand. She fusses, but not in the same needy way Satoshi used to. Instead, it is sharper, more abrupt, and often without warning. And there is always this feeling that something is wrong, but she can't tell him what. Of course, she can't. She's a baby! But shouldn't Suguru understand?

And it gets worse, because quite often, she is unwell.

Sometimes, it's restlessness, and sometimes it's the erratic sleep schedules. Suguru also wakes up to Satomi having a temperature higher than normal. So, he's never really relaxed. He finds himself watching her constantly, checking her breathing every few minutes.

It wears on him, more than he'd ever admit to himself.

(It was his fault for not scenting her right away after she was born, wasn't it?)

Feeding is worse.

Suguru still nurses Satoshi without issue, the familiarity of it grounding him in a way that he desperately needs it to, because everything around him is falling apart every quickly.

Satoshi latches easily, like he always has. Satomi doesn’t.

The first time he tried, he expected hesitation, because, well, she is small, slightly premature and still adjusting…to living. But he didn't expect it to be this bad.

She simply turns her head away. When he tries to guide her gently, she grows frustrated instead of settling. Her small mouth presses, slips, tries and fails, and the longer it goes on, the more agitated she becomes.

"It’s okay," Suguru murmurs, adjusting her position and trying again, "Try again, sweetheart, just—"

She fusses harder, her frustration building until it turns into sharp cries that make his entire body tighten in response. But he still chooses to go on. He changes the angle, the hold, softens his voice, coaxes her with all he has, but nothing works.

"I can take her."

Suguru exhales, closing his eyes as frustration fills his entire being. He should be grateful that Satoru is here and he's so present, unlike the last time. He should feel relieved as Satoru takes her carefully, adjusting her against his shoulder and feeding her with the bottle of milk that he pumped earlier that morning.

And all Suguru can do is watch.

It doesn't make sense. It shouldn’t make sense. He is the one who carried her, the one whose body fought to keep her alive. The one who chose her, even when it cost him everything else. And yet, she does not settle for him the way she does for Satoru.

He turns back to Satoshi, who has already begun to fuss softly, seeking his attention. Suguru gathers him close without hesitation, letting the familiarity settle the unease he feels. But he can't help as his gaze drifts back to where Satoru stands with Satomi.

And now, the distance between them feels wider than ever.

_____

He should have seen the Post-partum Depression diagnosis coming. And he has a feeling that Satoru already did.

Suguru can't point to a specific moment where it started. It was more like a combination of everything that had happened, right from the time he was diagnosed with preeclampsia, to the moment he went into labour. The rift between him and Satoru. His increased reliance on Satoshi. His struggle to bond with Satomi.

Or maybe it went further back. Haibara's death. Riko. Maybe when he discovered his awful technique.

Fuck. Has he ever…not been broken?

But then, it all gets too much, so Suguru focuses on the problem at present.

At first, he worries only about his exhaustion—or at least, that is what he tells himself. Anyway, wouldn't anyone be tired with two young children? And his body is still recovering. He hasn't been getting any sleep either, despite Satoru telling him he'd keep a watch on Satomi for him.

In moments like those, Suguru wonders if Satoru knows something. Or if he sees something. Because there are moments, brief, disorienting ones, when he looks at Satomi and feels…a strange hollowness. Is it because he failed so spectacularly to bond with her?

Those moments scare him, and he is immediately hit with immense guilt. So, he forces himself to hold her longer after that. He keeps trying again, and again. He tries to stay patient when she refuses to latch or when she cries, or when she turns away from him.

He wonders if Satoru saw him fracturing as it happened more and more often. Lack of sleep. Random bouts of crying. Staring at the wall for hours. His silence.

But, unlike the last time that Suguru withdrew and became distant, Satoru actually speaks up.

One evening, when both children are finally asleep, and the apartment has settled into a rare, fragile quiet, he says, "You should talk to someone."

Suguru, who was in the middle of folding the freshly-washed clothes, stops.

"I'm fine," he says, almost automatically.

Satoru, who would usually push, doesn't say anything right away. In fact, Suguru has come to notice that he rarely speaks up nowadays, letting silence stretch for hours until it inevitably breaks—usually because of the babies demanding their attention.

"You don't have to keep pushing yourself," Satoru says, and Suguru doesn't say anything to that. Satoru probably waits for him to retort with something, but when he doesn't, Satoru lets it go.

_____

Of course, Suguru couldn't keep running away from the fact that he's unravelling again, when the appointment happens a few days later. He doesn't even remember agreeing to it.

Suguru sits there, answering questions he doesn’t fully want to answer, because then, all his wounds would be out in the open, everything that is going wrong would be exposed, and Suguru would have no choice but to deal with all of it, especially when he lacks the emotional bandwidth to do so, feeling completely hollowed out.

"Alright, let's start with something simple. You mentioned you’re not sleeping even when you have the opportunity," she says. "Is that because the baby wakes frequently, or because you can’t settle yourself?"

"Both. Sometimes, she wakes up. And when she doesn’t, I…" He trails off, then shrugs faintly. "I just don’t sleep."

"Do your thoughts keep you awake?"

"Yes."

"What kind of thoughts?"

Ha. Isn't that the fucking problem? There are too many thoughts at any given moment.

"I think of everything," he says finally. "The birth. The hospital. Whether she’s breathing. Whether she’ll get sick again. Whether I’m...missing something."

The doctor nods, as if this confirms something she has already begun to piece together.

"And during the day?" she asks. "How do you feel when you’re caring for her?"

"Tired? I'm running on absolutely no sleep, so I am exhausted as I take care of her,” he says.

"Only tired?"

Suguru looks down at his hands, wondering if he should tell her. But then the heaviness in his heart feels too much that he needs to voice it out.

"I shut down," he says after a moment. "I don't know why it happens. But, everything goes distant. Like I’m still there, I’m still doing what I need to do, but I’m not fully… in it."

"Like you’re observing yourself?"

"…yes."

"Does that happen often?"

"More than it should."

"And how do you feel toward your daughter in those moments?"

What?

"I don't…Look. I care about her very much."

"I’m not suggesting that you don’t."

"It sounds like you are," Suguru says, defensively. But the doctor doesn't take the bait. So he continues to speak. "I know she’s mine," he says. "I know I would do anything for her. That’s not the problem."

"Then what is?"

His throat tightens. Why does she keep pushing? And why is he saying this all out loud? Just how lonely does he feel that he has to confide in someone he has met only about two or three times in his life? Why can't he just reach out to—

"It’s like my body knows what to do," he says, shaking his head. "But my mind can’t keep up. Or it’s running too far ahead. One of the two. Like, I hold her, and I’m already thinking about everything that could go wrong. I try to feed her, and I’m thinking about how she’s not feeding properly and what that means and whether she’s rejecting me."

The doctor studies him for a moment. And then she has that look in her face—the same look that Satoru gives him when he says I've got her for the hundredth time that Suguru struggles to get Satomi to latch on, or be comforted by him.

"Given what you’ve described…the overwhelming thoughts, the anxiety, the dissociation, the difficulty bonding…I believe you are experiencing postpartum depression, Gojo-san."

"I’m not numb," he adds quickly. "I’m not detached. It’s the opposite. It’s too much."

"That still falls within the spectrum. Postpartum depression doesn’t always present as numbness. For many people, it’s exactly what you’re describing. Being overwhelmed to the point where your mind tries to protect itself by shutting down."

"I’m functioning and taking care of both my children," he insists.

"I can see that, but functioning doesn’t mean you’re not struggling," she offers, not unkindly.

Suguru buries his face in his hands. This is all way more than what he signed up for.

And to make matters worse—

"Do you feel supported at home? If I'm not wrong, your partner is involved, correct?"

The knot in Suguru's throat grows impossibly bigger, but he croaks out a yes.

"Would it be possible for them to join you for a session?"

"He’s with the children," Suguru is quick to answer.

"I understand. But it would help for him to be here. He can support you better if he understands what you’re experiencing, and if there are any additional stressors, including within the relationship."

"What do you mean?" Suguru asks, his hackles raised.

"I’m asking whether any marital difficulties are contributing to your current state. After a traumatic birth, it’s not uncommon for—"

"There’s nothing wrong with my marriage."

If only he could convince himself with that declaration. Unfortunately, saying those words out loud won't make them true. The doctor senses that too, and she doesn't back off.

"You mentioned the birth was difficult. Experiences like that can create strain, even in otherwise stable relationships."

Suguru lets out a short, humourless laugh. "You don’t know anything about it," he says, pushing back from his chair.

"Gojo-san—"

"No." He shakes his head, already standing. "You’re trying to fit this into something neat and clinical, and it’s not."

"I’m trying to understand so I can help you."

"By telling me I’m depressed? That my relationship is the problem? You don’t even understand what happened. You don’t understand what that choice was—what it meant—"

"Then help me understand."

How can he help her understand when he can barely explain it to himself? Or to Satoru, the one who knows him and loves him so much? How will this almost-stranger understand what he and Satoru have—or had?

"I’m done."

And before she can stop him, he turns and walks out.

_____

He only remembers that he came here with Shoko when he sees her standing outside. She straightens when she sees him.

"That was fast," she says, keeping it light. But Suguru doesn't respond. Instead, he walks right past her.

"Suguru, hey!"

He finally stops and turns towards her. "What?" he asks, his voice brittle.

"What happened?" She asks, coming closer and studying his face.

"Nothing," Suguru says, trying to maintain a calm façade.

"Doesn’t look like nothing," Shoko remarks, her brow raised. She's not very amused with him, that much is certain.

"I said it’s nothing, Shoko."

"You stormed out of an appointment you very much needed. That doesn't look like nothing."

"I didn’t need it."

"Yes, you did, Suguru, fuck."

The exasperation in her voice finally tips him over. Suguru just can't take it anymore. He never asked her to intervene.

"You don’t know what I need," he snaps.

"I know you’re not okay."

"Oh, do you?" he fires back, something ugly creeping into his tone. "Because from where I’m standing, you don’t know anything about this."

"Suguru."

"No, really," he cuts her off. "What do you actually know about any of this? About carrying a child, about almost dying, about having your body and your head completely wrecked and then being expected to just deal with it?"

"That’s not fair," Shoko says.

"Of course it’s not fair. None of this is fair." He says, and then he steps closer, his anger turning his words into vitriol. "You’re standing here acting as if you understand, but you don’t. And you can’t. You’re a beta. You’ll never go through this. You don’t get it."

"Stop," Shoko finally says, and her voice is firm. Unlike Suguru's. "That was out of line."

Suguru looks away, his jaw tight.

"I may not know exactly what you’re feeling, but I was there. I saw what you went through."

"That’s not the same."

"No," she agrees. "It’s not. But that doesn’t make me irrelevant, and it doesn’t give you the right to lash out at me like this."

Shame courses through him for having lashed out at the one friend he has outside of his family, one who was there at his lowest. But before he can say anything, Shoko speaks up.

"I’m calling you a cab."

He doesn’t argue this time. Maybe that's for the best.

When the cab arrives, Suguru mutters an apology and Shoko hums in acknowledgement.

"I was out of line."

"You were," she says as Suguru opens the car door. "Go home, Suguru, and don’t shut everyone out while you’re trying to survive this."

_____

The cab ride home is excruciating. Once again, his thoughts overwhelm him. He thinks about the failed session and everything that was brought up during that conversation. He thinks about his tiff with Shoko and the hurt in her eyes.

By the time he pushes the door open, he is already at the edge.

And then he sees it.

Satoru is sitting on the bed, and Satomi is cradled against his chest, one hand supporting her carefully while the other moves in slow, absentminded circles along her back.

The sight hits him harder than anything else that day. It shouldn’t have, because it's harmless, right? It's a good thing that father and daughter are bonding. Satomi is safe, and Satoru is comforting him. But all Suguru can feel is something inside him giving way.

It's all too fast. It's all too much.

"I’ll take her," Suguru says, stepping forward, trying to keep his voice steady.

Satoru hesitates a little as he looks down at Satomi and then at Suguru. And it's very subtle, but Suguru notices. Of course he does. Satoru has never been subtle to him.

"Give her to me," he repeats, sharper now. Satoru complies this time, carefully transferring Satomi into his arms, and Suguru gathers her quickly, almost too quickly.

For a moment, it’s fine. Everything is wonderful, and Suguru wonders if today is the day—

Satomi tenses up again, and Suguru feels it immediately.

Of course, he wants to remedy it right away. He tries to adjust, tries to soothe her, tries to correct whatever is wrong.

"It’s okay, my love," he whispers, his voice low but strained. "It’s okay, Mama's got you."

But her body stiffens more noticeably now. And then, she lets out a soft, distressed sound.

"No—" he whispers under his breath, trying again, shifting her as he forces calm into his voice that he doesn’t quite feel. "No, no, it’s okay, just—"

The moment Satomi bursts out crying, Suguru's heart breaks all over again. and his thoughts begin piralling immediately.

I’m doing something wrong.

She doesn’t want me.

I can’t fix this. Fuck, why can’t I fix this—

"Suguru."

No. Satoru, don't fucking say it.

"Give her to me."

"No," he says, rather quickly and defensively. "She just needs…" Suguru swallows as he tries again, his hands shaking slightly now despite himself. "She just needs a second, you know?" he says. He doesn't even realise that tears are running down his cheeks.

"Suguru, can you just give her to me, because—"

Suguru shakes his head as he takes many steps back, hands clutching at his chest as he comes to terms with what just happened. It just solidified what he already knew, didn't it? But the sharp, hollow ache only spreads outward, leaving him completely unmoored.

"She doesn’t like me."

Once the words are out, he can't take them back. It's what he has been thinking of all this time, and now that he has said it out loud, neither of them can stay in denial, right?

But Satoru looks up at him immediately.

"Suguru, that’s not true."

"It is! Satoru, she cries every time I hold her. Every time I try to feed her. And then you take her and she just…stops? It can't be a coincidence, Satoru."

Satoru is quiet for a few moments before he finally speaks up.

"Suguru…when you hold her, you're so tense. I don't know if you realise that."

Suguru’s head snaps up.

"What?"

"You’re in distress," Satoru says, choosing his words carefully. “Your breathing changes, your body tightens. You don’t notice it, but she does. She’s reacting to you."

"So it’s my fault."

"That’s not what I meant."

"It’s exactly what you meant," Suguru says, laughing bitterly. "Of course. That makes sense. I’m the problem. I carried her, almost died for her, and now I can’t even hold her without stressing her out?"

"Suguru, listen—"

"No, you listen. Satoru, you didn’t even want her. You were ready to let her die. And now you’re the one she goes to? You’re the one who gets to calm her down?"

"That’s not fair," Satoru says.

"Fair?" Suguru’s voice rises. "You don’t get to talk about fair. You made that choice."

"I made that choice because you were fucking dying. And guess what, Suguru? I'd do it again."

Suguru stares at Satoru. The alpha's composure is finally cracking after weeks of restraint.

"I will pick you every time. If it’s you or anyone else, I’m choosing you. If it’s you or the baby, I’m choosing you. I'm not going to stand there and let you die, no matter what you say."

Satoru places Satomi down, amidst fluffy pillows and blankets, before he approaches Suguru, grabbing his arm. It's probably the first time in weeks that they've come in such close contact. It's the most alive he has felt in weeks.

"I can’t lose you. Do you understand that? I can’t be what they need if you’re gone. I don’t want a life where you’re not there," he says, each word laced with desperation. His grip on Suguru's wrist loosens, and he pulls Suguru into his arms, hugging him so tightly that Suguru can barely breathe.

But just when Suguru can ask him to let go, he feels something damp against his neck.

"Satoru…? Are you…"

Satoru buries his face deeper, and Suguru is at a loss. He has never…Satoru has never cried. And he doesn't know how to deal with that. If his pillar falls apart, then how can Suguru keep standing?

"Satoru…baby?" Suguru calls out, but he breaks into a sob as Satoru whimpers, his knees going weak and pulling Satoru down with him as they fall to the floor in a heap. Satoru pulls Suguru into his lap, still not showing his face.

"Satoru, please look at me?" Suguru pleads, and Satoru reluctantly pulls away. What Suguru sees breaks him.

Satoru's eyes are bloodshot, and he finally sees the fatigue in them. The dark circles. The puffy eyes. The sunken cheeks.

The past few weeks took a toll on the alpha, too, and Suguru was so lost in his own grief that he hadn't noticed Satoru struggling and fighting his own demons. As always, Satoru maintained a strong front even though the fear of losing Suguru had broken him down from the inside.

"I'm sorry, Suguru. I'm a selfish bastard, but I can't lose you. I just can't."

Suguru sighs as he pulls Satoru close, pressing his head to his chest.

"Shh. Satoru, can you hear me breathe? Can you feel my heartbeat?"

Satoru doesn't say anything right away. A few moments later, he hums.

"Good. I'm here. I'm alive, with you."

"Are you with me, Suguru? Because I feel like you haven't been with me for weeks now," Satoru says, and Suguru doesn't quite know how to answer that. Where does he begin?

"Satoru, I don't think I have been with myself, either. I…I might have post-partum depression."

Understanding dawns on Satoru, and he wastes no time in gathering Suguru in his arms once more, holding him tight. Somehow, the hold being just the right kind of tight and steady makes him feel better almost instantly, and maybe, just temporarily. But he'll take that.

"Hmm. It makes sense. I had my suspicions."

"Hmm."

They stay like that for a while.

"Satoru, is my scent still distressing?"

Satoru shakes his head, and then he sighs.

"I know I said that your distressed scent disturbs her, but that might not be it, entirely, Suguru."

Suguru looks at Satoru, his brow raised. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that, maybe, Satomi is just different. Maybe the fact that we didn't get to scent her right away did make a difference. Or maybe, the fact that her immune system is weaker, our scents overwhelm her too much. Maybe her distress is just a way of her body protecting her from what it perceives as threats. I have to use infinity sometimes, to hold her, you know?"

Oh.

Fuck.

Tears gather in his eyes as he remembers the sight of their baby girl being all alone in the NICU pops back up in his head. If only…if only he had been strong enough for her, he could've brought her into the world under better circumstances, and she would've been born healthy—

"Suguru, baby, I can feel you overthinking. It wasn't your fault, you know? You're young too. You're so fucking strong for pulling through that ordeal."

Suguru lets out a shaky breath as he recalls that day. He wouldn't wish that kind of pain on his worst enemy.

"Suguru, can I kiss you? It's just…it's been so long, and I really need to just hold you and—"

Suguru kisses him before he can finish what he was saying. And he pours everything into that kiss—all his grief, his pain, the betrayal he felt not only at Satoru's hands but also by his luck, by Satomi's condition and by the world. He doesn't even realise tears are running down his cheeks until Satoru kisses them away.

"I'm here. And you are here, too. And both Satoshi and Satomi are here too, safe. I won't let anything happen to any of you."

Suguru nods as he collapses in Satoru's arms, letting his alpha hold him together. If there is one thing he has learned from everything that has happened, he knows that he can trust Satoru with his life. That one thing has not changed.

For a moment, it feels like they might find their way back. But when they pull apart slightly, the distance hasn’t disappeared entirely, and Satoru sees it immediately.

The grief is still sitting in Suguru’s eyes. The tension hasn’t fully left his body. It looks like Suguru is still holding himself together by sheer force when Satoru isn't holding him.

Satoru is about to say something before Suguru looks down, because there’s some movement next to them.

It's Satomi. She is lying beside Suguru, having been placed there by Satoru at some point during his conversation with Suguru.

For a second, Suguru just stares, and then, before he can stop it, tears spill over.

Suguru lowers himself and gathers her close, holding Satomi with a lot of gentleness. He tries to be less frantic and desperate with it and finds that it is quite an effort to keep himself calm. Satoru was right. His pheromones must have been all over the place all this time. If even an alpha like Satoru can be affected, wouldn't a baby be more sensitive to it?

"She can feel everything you’re feeling," Satoru explains. "When you’re tense, when you’re panicking, when your thoughts start running, she picks up on it. That’s why she gets overwhelmed. I think what happened today solidified my theory."

Suguru’s throat goes tight. “I didn't even notice it.”

"It's not your fault. You've been through hell. But, good news: you’ve already done the hardest part,” he says. "You’re both here."

Suguru looks down at Satomi again, and a kind of silence between all of them. Satomi rests against his chest, her small fist still curled stubbornly into the fabric of his shirt. He breathes slow and steady, and now and then his grip shifts just slightly, like he is still afraid she might slip away if he isn’t careful enough.

Satoru watches him for a long moment before speaking.

"It’s not your fault, you know?"

"What isn’t?"

"That she was born early, or that she’s smaller. She gets sick more easily. But, none of that is on you.”

Suguru’s jaw tightens faintly. He doesn’t answer because he doesn't quite believe Satoru's words. But his silence doesn't deter Satoru from speaking.

"I should’ve been here," Satoru continues. "I shouldn’t have left you alone with everything while I kept going on missions. You were recovering from your pregnancy, the first one. You were already dealing with all that, and then, and I just—" He cuts himself off, shaking his head slightly.

"I should’ve been taking care of you, not leaving you to handle it on your own.”

That makes Suguru finally look at him. There’s something tired in Satoru's expression. It's not often you get to see Gojo Satoru worn down and fragile. It doesn't feel right at all.

"You were doing your job," Suguru says, his voice softer now. "You didn’t have a choice."

"I always have a choice."

"Satoru…"

"I do," Satoru insists. "And I chose wrong."

Suguru frowns faintly, shifting slightly where he sits, one hand instinctively adjusting around Satomi as she stirs.

"You didn’t, though. You did what you could. You always do, Satoru."

Satoru’s gaze meets his right away. "Then why can’t you see that about yourself, Suguru?"

Suguru bites his lip and looks away.

"You’re doing the same thing, aren't you?" Satoru asks. "You’re showing up every day. You’re taking care of them. You’re trying, even when it’s hard, even when it doesn’t come easy. That’s not failure, Suguru."

Suguru’s throat grows tight, and his lower lip wobbles with his attempt to hold back tears. He looks down at Satomi instead of answering, watching the small, unconscious way her fingers twitch against his shirt.

He hums, soft and noncommittal. It’s the kind of sound that fills space rather than agreeing to anything. Because he doesn’t believe it.

The thoughts and doubts are still there. What if I had done something differently? What if my body hadn’t failed? What if I wasn’t like this? What if I could just fix it?

But he doesn’t say it out loud. Because he can see what it does to Satoru when Suguru blames himself. He doesn’t need to add more, so he keeps quiet.

So he keeps quiet.

Satoru studies him for another moment, like he can tell there’s more being left unsaid. But this time, he doesn’t push. He just shifts closer, resting his hand lightly against Suguru’s back again.

Suguru rests his head on Satoru's shoulder and cradles Satomi to his chest. He had waited too long for this moment, and now, he doesn't want to ruin it by any means. So for now, he decides to let go and embrace the momentary peace, as fragile as it is.

_____

CODA.

A few months later.

Suguru wakes up to a pale stretch of early morning light running right over his face. He closes his eyes again and just lies there, feeling the warmth of Satoru's body against his. Satoru's arm is draped loosely over his waist, and his face is tucked into the back of Suguru's shoulder.

Things between them are faring better.

Satoru is way more present, now, for one. While Suguru is more or less recovered physically, he still struggles to get himself going sometimes. Satoru steps in and takes over without Suguru having to say anything. It's the bare minimum, of course, but still, Suguru is very grateful that he has such an understanding alpha.

Just when he turns around to face Satoru, he notices some movement behind the alpha. Suguru’s breath catches, and this time he does move, just a fraction, enough to nudge Satoru awake without making a sound.

Satoru stirs instantly. "What?" he murmurs, voice rough with sleep, but Suguru presses a hand lightly over his wrist, as if to tell him to stay silent.

Suguru tilts his head toward the nursery at the other end of the room.

Satoru follows his gaze.

Satoshi is not in his crib.

For one terrible, fleeting second, Suguru’s heart lurches into his throat. But then he sees him immediately.

Satoshi is standing, slightly unsteady, beside Satomi’s crib.

He must have climbed out. Suguru had worried about this, had meant to talk about moving him to a toddler bed, but everything has been…everything has been a lot. Taking care of two under two is more difficult than fighting a special grade curse.

Anyway, Suguru sees that Satoshi doesn’t look distressed. Instead, he just looks curious.

He’s gripping the slats of Satomi’s crib with one small pudgy hand, while. peering in with seriousness. His hair is messy from sleep, sticking up in soft tufts, just like Satoru's hair does. It elicits a giggle out of Suguru.

Satomi is awake too.

She’s lying on her back, eyes wide as she stares up at Satoshi as if he’s the most fascinating thing in the world.

Suguru forgets to breathe.

Satoshi leans closer. He doesn’t try to climb in or shake the crib. He just… watches her. Then, slowly, he threads his fingers through the slats.

Satomi moves as well. Her tiny hand lifts, and then her fingers curl around his pointer finger.

Satoshi freezes.

Even from across the room, Suguru can see the way his entire face changes. His eyes go wide, and there is a kind of bright, bubbling excitement.

Suguru’s vision blurs. Beside him, Satoru shifts closer, and their hands find each other under the blanket without looking, fingers tangling together. They watch Satoshi gently wiggle his finger, testing the feeling of Satomi holding onto him. They watch Satomi’s tiny grip tighten and loosen, her expression soft and calm, completely at ease.

Maybe she will be okay.

Maybe he will be okay.

Satomi’s world doesn't have to be just him. She will have Satoru and his steady and unwavering presence. She will have Satoshi, who will always reach for her without being told.

If there are days when she can’t come to Suguru, when something in her turns away, or when something in him makes him step back, then she won’t be alone in it.

He’ll make sure of that.

He’ll fill her world with people who love her so completely that it leaves no space for loneliness to settle in. Satoru. Satoshi. Maybe…more, one day. More hands to hold, more voices in the house so that silence never feels heavy again.

~~~~~