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Kaidan had faced down biotic surges that could crack bone from the inside out. He’d kept his footing through firefights, held steady under command pressure, trusted his instincts when everything around him said panic would be easier.
None of that helped him now.
He’d been standing there too long. Long enough that he’d checked his omnitool twice. Pointless, because he already knew he was early. Long enough that he’d memorized the rhythm of people passing behind him, the sound of wind moving through the trees, the exact spot where the pavement dipped just slightly transitioning into a gravel path. Long enough that when Shepard finally stepped into view, it still caught him off guard.
For a second, his brain didn’t quite catch up. Not because it was her, he’d know her anywhere, in any crowd, in any uniform...but because she wasn’t wearing one. No Alliance colors. No armor. No weight of command sitting on her shoulders like something permanent and immovable.
Just her.
Simple clothes.Nothing remarkable or flashy, if you didn’t know who you were looking at.
Kaidan forgot, briefly, how to stand like a normal person. He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets a second too late, trying to smooth over the moment, but he knew it didn’t quite pass. He could feel the awkwardness settle in his shoulders anyway.
Shepard slowed as she reached him.
Stopped.
And then she just...looked at him. Not a glance. Not a quick once over before getting to the point.
A look.
Steady, Assessing, Familiar, and not.
He shifted his weight, one foot dragging lightly against the pavement. He couldn’t tell if he was standing too stiff or not enough, and the fact that he was thinking about it at all made it worse.
"Something wrong?" He asked.
She blinked, like she’d been somewhere else for a second.
"Nothing." She said quickly. Then, after a beat, "Just...." Her gaze moved over him again, slower this time. Kaidan resisted the urge to straighten up under it.
"Sizing me up?" He offered, defaulting to something easy.
"Something like that."
He huffed a quiet laugh, glancing down at himself like he might find the answer there. "Feels weird, doesn’t it?"
She didn’t answer right away. Instead he watched her take in the absence of it all, the uniform, the rank, the structure that usually filled the space between them. He felt it too. The missing weight of it.
"You clean up good." She said finally.
It shouldn’t have hit as hard as it did. He laughed trying to covering it. "That your professional opinion, Commander?"
The word slipped out automatically. Shepard’s expression shifted just slightly, she shook her head.
"Not today."
Right.
He nodded once, adjusting, trying to force the habit to go.
"No ranks." He said, more deliberate this time.
"No ranks." She echoed.
He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.
"Good." He said. Then, because he needed to say it out loud, needed it to be real: "Then we start over."
She raised an eyebrow. "Start over?"
"Yeah." He shifted again, but it felt different now. Less like he was bracing, more like he was...trying. "No Commander Shepard, no Lieutenant Alenko, no mission, no reports..." He made a vague motion with one hand. "...none of it."
For a second, he thought maybe he’d pushed too far. Then she looked at him really looked and asked
"And what’s left?"
Kaidan met her eyes.
"Just Shepard."
He hesitated, just enough to feel the weight of it then added, quieter.
"Jane...if you’ll let me get away with it."
The name felt strange in his mouth. Not wrong. Just...untested. Like something fragile he wasn’t sure he had the right to hold yet. She exhaled softly, something almost like a laugh.
"Don’t push your luck." She said with a smile, there was no edge to her words.
Relief came quick and quiet, settling somewhere low in his chest.
"Noted."
A pause stretched between them. Kaidan rocked back slightly on his heels, then gestured down the path ahead. Trees lining the edges, sunlight filtering through in uneven patches, the faint glint of water visible in the distance. "So." He started, because standing still suddenly felt like the harder option. "I think this is the part where I’m supposed to have a plan."
Shepard folded her arms loosely, watching him. "Supposed to?"
"Yeah." He admitted. "Thought about it. Figured I’d keep it simple. Walk, maybe grab something to eat. Nothing that requires..." He trailed off, searching for the right word. "Strategy."
Her mouth curved, just slightly. "Bold approach."
"I’m trying something new." He said, dry enough to pass as humor.
Then, quieter, before he could overthink it. "Figured we both are."
She looked past him for a second, toward the path, the quiet stretch of it. Toward something that didn’t need saving, and she stepped forward. Close enough that he had to consciously stop himself from reacting, straightening, shifting, doing something that would ruin the ease of it.
"Alright?" She said. "Lead the way."
He blinked, just once. He hadn’t actually expected her to hand that over.
"Right." He said, recovering a second late.
He turned and the two started walking, side by side. That was new, too.
For a while, neither of them spoke.
Kaidan was aware of everything in a way he usually wasn’t, the sound of their footsteps, the breeze through the trees, the way the space between them kept narrowing without either of them acknowledging it. Their shoulders brushed, he almost moved away.
They didn’t get far before the smell hit him. Hot oil, salt, something rich enough to cut through the clean spring air. Kaidan glanced ahead, spotting a small food stand tucked just off the path nothing fancy, just a simple setup with a handwritten board and a short line of people waiting their turn. He slowed a fraction, glancing sideways at her. "You hungry?"
Shepard followed his gaze, then back to him. "Always."
That earned a quiet huff of a laugh as he angled them toward the stand. This was starting to feel easy.
Standing there with her, shoulder to shoulder in a short line, wasn’t all that different from waiting on deployment except no one was checking weapons, no one was watching the horizon for trouble. Just people talking, laughing, the low hum of something normal he hadn’t realized he missed. When it was their turn, he ordered without overthinking it. Two burgers, fries loaded with more cheese than was probably reasonable. Shepard didn’t argue, which he took as a win. She reached forward with her omnitool.
"Hold on." Kaidan said, sliding a hand gently over hers.
She looked up at him, eyebrow raised. "I’ve got it."
"I insist." He said with that half smile that always made her pause.
She shrugged, a small challenge in her expression. "It’s fine."
He studied her for a moment, a glint of mischief in his eyes. "You’re stubborn, you know that?"
"Do I detect admiration in that statement?" She teased.
"Maybe a little." He admitted. Then his grin widened. "Alright...how about this? Rock, paper, scissors."
She blinked. "What?"
"That children’s game." He said, leaning closer while weaponizing his smirk. "You know how to play?"
She shot him a look that was equal parts incredulous and amused. "I think I can manage."
"Good." He was already squaring up, clearly enjoying himself. "Winner pays, seems fair."
"Deal." She said meeting his gaze.
In sync they counted together.
"Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot!"
Kaidan’s hand popped out paper. Shepard stared at her fist, rock. Then back at him.
"Winner pays." he said, feigning grandeur.
She groaned, rolling her eyes. "Of course you win."
He laughed tapping his omnitool. "Fair and square."
She shook her head, unable to hide her smile. "You’re enjoying this."
"And I’m buying lunch."
She glanced at him, mock exasperation softening into warmth. "Enjoy it while it lasts."
"Oh, I plan to."
A moment later, the transaction chimed softly, and they stepped aside to wait. When the food came, it was hot enough that the paper wrapping barely contained it, grease already soaking through in places. Shepard took her share without hesitation, like she’d done this a hundred times before even if he knew she probably hadn’t.
They found a bench a little further down, set back just enough from the path to give them some space. From there, the park opened up. Water stretched out ahead, calm and bright under the afternoon sun, the surface broken only by the occasional ripple. Trees framed the edges, new leaves catching the light, everything carrying that unmistakable early spring sense of something just beginning.
Kaidan sat, unwrapping his food carefully before taking a bite. It was good. Not mess hall good. Not rations good. Actually good. He exhaled lightly through his nose, glancing sideways at Shepard as she settled beside him, one knee angled slightly toward the water.
"Worth losing for?" He asked in between bites.
She took a bite, chewed, then gave a small, conceding nod. "Yeah. Worth it."
They ate together in comfortable quiet for a minute, the kind that didn’t need filling. At some point she reached over without looking, brushing a few stray crumbs from his jacket sleeve with the side of her hand. He glanced at her, but she didn’t seem to notice she’d done it.
He was about to say something when a sharp, unmistakable honk cut through it. Kaidan looked up just in time to spot a pair of geese cutting across the grass nearby, heads high, moving with a kind of territorial confidence that would’ve been impressive if it was displayed through a small animal.
He huffed a quiet laugh. "You see those things?"
Shepard followed his gaze. "Yeah?"
"I’m telling you." He nodding toward them, "I think I’d take a krogan over one."
She turned back to him, one brow lifting. "You’re comparing a goose to a krogan."
"I’m saying." He clarified, gesturing loosely with a fry. "At least with a krogan, you know where you stand. Those things?" He jerked his chin toward the birds as one of them puffed up slightly at a passerby. "No warning. They just...go for it."
She watched for another second as the unfortunate target of that attention gave the geese a wide berth. Then she laughed. Not the quiet, controlled kind he was used to hearing on the Normandy, Full, Open. It caught him off guard in the best way.
"Don’t let Wrex hear you say that." She said, shaking her head slightly as the laugh kept going.
Kaidan grinned. "What, you think he’d take it personally?"
"He’d challenge it."
"Yeah." Kaidan said thoughtfully, watching the geese for another second. "My credit’s are still on the goose."
She huffed another laugh at that, softer this time, but no less real.
A quiet settled between then as a gentle breeze brushed past them. Kaidan leaned back slightly against the bench, food in hand, sunlight warm against his face as he glanced over at her. Sitting beside him, laughing at something as ridiculous as geese, eating quietly and absent mindedly. For a moment, that was enough. More than enough. They didn’t rush through it. There wasn’t anywhere to be, nothing waiting on the other end of the afternoon. Just time stretching out ahead of them in a way that felt unfamiliar, and somehow easy to settle into.
He finished the last of his fries, brushing his hands together lightly before crumpling the paper and setting it aside. For a moment, he just continued to watch the water, tracking the slow drift of a few ducks further out near the reeds.
"This is going to sound completely random." He said.
Shepard glanced over at him. "That’s usually a good sign."
He huffed a quiet laugh, reaching into his jacket pocket. "At the entrance. They were selling those little bags of feed."
He pulled one out, small and crinkled, holding it up between them.
"Thought it might be worth grabbing one."
There was a beat, and Shepard’s expression shifted just a touch, and she reached into her own pocket pulling out an identical bag.
Kaidan blinked.
"...You’re kidding."
"Great minds." She said simply, a hint of a smile tugging at her mouth.
He let out a soft, disbelieving laugh. "Yeah, alright. I walked into that one."
She stood, already turning slightly toward the water. "Come on."
Kaidan pushed himself up a second later, grabbing their discarded wrappers before following after her. They found a spot along the edge where the grass gave way to a narrow strip of worn dirt, the lake stretching out just a few steps ahead. Up close, the ducks were quicker to notice them. A few shifted direction almost immediately, gliding toward shore with quiet purpose.
Kaidan tore open the top of his bag, glancing sideways just in time to see Shepard do the same. She hesitated for half a second, just enough to gauge the distance, and then tossed a handful out toward the water. It went a lot farther than intended. The feed arced cleanly through the air and landed well past the nearest cluster of ducks, scattering across the surface in a wide ripple.
Kaidan blinked once while she stood there stared at where it landed before letting out a short surprised laugh.
"Okay." She paused glancing down at the bag in her hand. "Lighter than I thought."
Kaidan couldn’t help it he laughed, low and easy. "You just launched that halfway across the lake."
"They needed the exercise." She shot back, already reaching in for another handful.
"This I’ve gotta see."
She narrowed her eyes at him slightly, but there was no real threat behind it. This time, she adjusted, smaller toss and a shorter arc. The feed landed closer to shore.
Much better.
A few ducks immediately converged, dipping their heads under the water, wings shifting as they jostled for position.
"There you go." Kaidan said. "Less of an orbital strike, more....targeted approach."
She smiled at him. "Noted."
He stepped a little closer to the edge himself, scattering a small handful just a few feet out. The ducks responded instantly, drifting closer, expectant.
For a while, they fell into an easy rhythm. Toss, wait, watch. The soft sounds of water, the occasional flap of wings, the quiet murmur of people passing somewhere behind them it all blended into something steady, something simple.
Kaidan eyes drifted back over to her again. Shepard stood just to his right, attention fixed on the water, one hand loosely curled around the feed bag while the other tossed out small, measured handfuls. There was no tension in her shoulders, no constant awareness of surroundings. Just an easy focus.
Another toss this one a little off, scattering unevenly. She smiled at it anyway. It truly hit him then, quiet and unannounce. How rare this was, not the setting, not the activity. Her like this. Relaxed, unguarded, laughing over something as small as feeding ducks or geese. He looked away before his eyes lingered too long, tossing another handful out toward the cluster gathering closer to shore. They stayed there until the bags were nearly empty, the initial cluster of ducks beginning to disperse once the easy food ran out.
Kaidan shook the last few pieces from his bag, watching them scatter across the surface. "Think we’ve officially made their day." He said.
"Or ruined it." She replied. "Now they expect this from everyone."
She crumpled her empty bag lightly in her hand, glancing out over the water one more time before stepping back from the edge. Kaidan followed, brushing his hands together again out of habit. For a moment, they just stood there together, The lake stretching out ahead of them, the quiet hum of the park settling back in around the space they’d occupied. Kaidan glanced over at her, catching the faint curve of her expression as she looked out across the water. "Not a bad call." He said.
Shepard shifted her gaze back to him, that same hint of a smile still there. "Great minds." She reminded him. He huffed a quiet laugh. "Yeah." He said. "I’m starting to see the pattern."
She looked back over the water at the later afternoon sun threatening evening. "It’s starting to get late."
Kaidan glanced over, following her line of sight. The sun had dipped lower without him really noticing, the light softening into something warmer, stretching long shadows across the grass. "Yeah." He's words came out quietly. Then, after a beat, like he’d been holding onto it. "There’s one place I want to take you." She shifted slightly beside him, attention turning back to him fully. "Oh?"
He hesitated just long enough to make it deliberate. "Not telling you."
One brow lifted. "Not telling me?"
"It’ll spoil it."
She studied him for a second, like she was weighing whether to push. Slowly, a small smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. "Alright, lead the way."
Relief came easier than he expected. He nodded once and pushed off from where he stood, starting down a narrower path that branched off from the main one. It wasn’t hidden, exactly, just less traveled. The kind of place people passed by without really noticing.
She fell into step beside him without question and the further they went, the quieter it got. Foot traffic thinned out first. Voices fading behind them until there was nothing left but the soft crunch of gravel underfoot and the distant hush of water. The trees grew a little thicker here, branches arching overhead, filtering the light into softer, scattered patches. Kaidan glanced sideways once or twice, just to make sure she was still with him.
She was.
No hesitation. No second guessing.
Just....there.
After a few more minutes, the path opened again. A different stretch of the lake came into view wider, calmer somehow. No benches. No worn edges from constant use. Just grass sloping gently down toward the water, untouched except for the wind moving through it. Kaidan slowed, then stepped off the path entirely. "This is it." he said. Shepard followed without a word.
He made it a few steps into the grass before lowering himself down, settling back with a quiet exhale. The ground was cool beneath him, the kind of lingering chill that came with early spring, but the air carried just enough warmth to balance it out. He glanced up, tilting his head slightly toward the spot beside him. "C’mon."
She moved in close, folding down into the grass at his side with an ease that still caught him off guard, even now. Close enough that their shoulders touched without effort, her presence warm and solid beside him. For a while, neither of them spoke, they didn’t need to. The sun dipped lower, the sky shifting with it. Gold bleeding into orange, then deeper shades that stretched out across the horizon. The water caught it all, reflecting the colors in long, rippling bands that moved with every subtle current.
Kaidan let out a slow breath, something in his chest easing as he watched it. "Worth the mystery?" He asked quietly, almost a whisper.
Shepard didn’t answer right away. When she did it came out soft.
"Yeah."
He felt it more than saw it when she shifted. Her head came to rest against his shoulder. Light at first, like she was giving him time to move if he wanted to. He didn't, didn’t even think about it. Instead, he adjusted just slightly, settling into it, letting the weight of her there feel as natural as it should’ve been all along. His hand moved before he could overthink it, finding hers where it rested in the grass between them. He turned his palm up and her fingers slid into his without hesitation.
Warm.
Steady.
He held on.
The sun edged lower. The colors deepened.
"We should do this again." he said his tone unsure, boarding on unsteady.
Shepard shifted slightly against him.
"Yeah." she spoke and he could hear the smile in her voice. "We will."
And for a moment, just a moment...everything felt...still.
Right.
Kaidan swallowed, his grip tightening just a fraction before he forced himself to ease it again. "Hey." His voice even quieter now.
Shepard shifted slightly against him, just enough to look up. "Yeah?"
He hesitated. It felt stupid, suddenly. Small, compared to everything else they’d been through. But it mattered anyway.
"Can I..."He exhaled softly, then tried again. "Can I have a hug?"
There was a flicker of something in her expression surprise maybe, but it softened almost immediately.
"Of course."
She didn’t wait. She turned into him fully, arms wrapping around him without hesitation, pulling him in close firm. Kaidan let out a breath that felt like it had been sitting in his chest for longer than he realized, his arms coming up around her just as quickly.
He held on.
Tight enough to matter. Careful enough not to break the moment. Her warmth, the steady rhythm of her breathing, the solid reality of her in his arms.
He closed his eyes, just for a second. Memorizing everything he could.
After a moment, she shifted slightly, just enough to pull back slightly and look at him, her hands still resting against him. "Why?" She said softly.
Kaidan opened his eyes. For a second, he just looked at her. Then in a broken whisper, like saying it too loud might make it happen faster: "Because I’m going to wake up soon."
He pulled her back into a hug and held on, and then something in it shifted. Not her, the feeling.
A subtle wrongness at the edges, like trying to hold onto something slipping just out of reach. His grip tightened instantly.
"No-!"
He pulled her closer, one hand found the fabric at her back, gripping tighter than he meant to, the other anchoring her in place like he could force the moment to stay if he just held on hard enough. "Wait!" He breathed out pleading, the word catching somewhere between thought and panic. He buried his face against her shoulder, eyes squeezing shut as he tried to lock it in. The warmth, the weight of her, the way she fit against him like something he’d known longer than he had words for. Don’t lose this. Her hands were still there, steady against him. For a second....just a second...it held.
Kaidan jerked awake.
Dark.
Still.
Alone.
The air felt wrong immediately. Stale, recycled, too thin compared to the fullness he’d just had in his lungs. Something was in his arms, it wasnt her. His grip was still tight, fingers clenched into fabric that didn’t give the way it should have.
A pillow.
Worn. Stiff. Wrong.
He stared at it for a second, breathing uneven, the last echo of warmth bleeding out of his chest too fast to hold onto.
Gone.
Kaidan let go. The pillow slipped from his arms as he pushed himself upright, a blanket sliding down with the movement, catching briefly at his waist before falling away completely.
His feet hit the floor and glass clattered sharply. One bottle tipped, then another, the sound loud in the small space as they knocked against each other and rolled just far enough to settle again. He froze for half a second, staring down at them like he didn’t quite recognize what he was looking at.
Empty.
All of them.
He dragged a hand over his face, rough against the weeks old stubble that scratched against his palm. It caught slightly along his jaw, the texture unfamiliar only because he hadn’t paid attention to it in days. His hand lingered there then dropped. The room didn’t change. Dim light. Closed in walls. The quiet hum of the station bleeding faintly through the structure around him.
No open sky.
No water.
No her.
....no her.
His shoulders folded in on themselves before he could stop it. A breath hitched sharp, uneven, and then another. Kaidan pressed the heel of his hand hard against his eyes, like that might hold it back.
It didn’t.
The first crack was quiet, barely there.
The second wasn’t.
His breath broke with it, shoulders tightening as something in his chest finally gave way under the weight of it. He bent forward slightly, elbows braced against his knees, one hand still dragging uselessly across his face as if he could wipe it away before it settled in.
He couldn’t.
It came anyway. Quiet at first, uneven breaths, a sharp inhale that didn’t quite steady on the exhale.
Then not.
The sound of it filled the apartment in a way nothing else had, and there was no one there to hear it.
No one to answer it.
Just him.
And the echo of something warm already fading too far out of reach.