Chapter Text
Sister Julienne thanks the bus driver and hops off, landing on a dirt road. She wraps one hand tighter around a cake tin while the other dusts off her habit with one hand and the other.
She makes the short journey to the sanatorium and as she's walking up to the entrance she finds a handsome doctor talking to some nurses. "Hello sister!" One of the nurses pipes up. She recognises the blonde as one of sister Bernadette's nurses. "Sister Bernadette is fairing well today so she can take visitors, I believe she's still in her room." The nurse goes to stub out her cigarette but sister Julienne stops her. "Please, don't let me interrupt I'm sure can find her."
"But where would my manners be to not show such a kind lady inside." The doctor smiled. "Plus I need to get back to my patients anyways." He shrugs and stomps out his cigarette. "I'm doctor turner, by the way." He holds out his hand for her to shake before faltering and letting it fall. "Can you shake hands?" he asks
"No, probably not." He responds to himself and shows her in. "Sister Bernadette's just in here." He knocks on the door and opens it at sister Bernadette's acknowledge. "Morning sister! We have a visitor for you."
"Thank you, doctor." She says and watches sister Julienne step inside. "dear sister, how we have missed you." She puts the cake tin down on her night stand and sits on the end of her sisters bed. "God is very kind to us." The elder nun grasps her hand. "He is, isn't he?" Sister Bernadette agrees.
"how is life at Nonnatus? I hear chummy is on her way back."
Sister julienne shifts in her seat and looks more directly at sister Bernadette. "Sister, from our letter and our visits, you probably know more about life at Nonnatus than I do." She takes a deep breath. "So please, what could you say to me now that you couldn't say in a letter?"
Sister Bernadette looks down at her hands and tucks her feet underneath her. "I've been lying, sister." She begins
"Lying to you, to god… to myself" a tear runs down her cheek and she lets out a shaky breath. "And I'm so tired… so tired."
"and now you must unburden yourself and I will listen." Sister julienne holds sister Bernadette's hands tighter. Sister Bernadette pours her heart and soul out, she leaves herself raw and bare and lays her sins and sister juliennes feet. sister Julienne takes a deep breath in, she moves closer enough to hold sister Bernadette against her chest. "So all this time you have been suffering."sister julienne says
"I thought I had lost my faith…I never felt so retched or alone in my life."
"I've been so worried, I hoped you would speak to me again"
"I haven't lost my faith" sister Bernadette quickly corrects sister Julienne. "But I want other things, things I cannot have in the religious life…"
"We have all felt that, times of confusion. There were for me" Sister Julienne comforts her sister.
"This was my wilderness, my test of what I felt, what I believed. And I see now that I wasn't close to death, I was close to life! And it took the illness to show me."
"I think god wants another path for me… beyond Nonnatus." the Scottish nun continues. Sister Julienne pulls away from sister Bernadette to look into her eyes, keeping her hands on her shoulders and pauses. "Sister… what you're saying what you're asking… is the first step on a journey that will not be an easy one. you must be sure it is one you wish to pursue."
"I need your strength sister. I don't have enough of my own because I don't know if gods given me a window and I'm just staring out of it because I'm too afraid to open it. Because sister… " she stops
"Sister I am in love."
Sister Julienne lets her hands drop off sister Bernadette's shoulders "Who, pray tell?"
Sister Bernadette looks away, she hesitates for just a moment too long before offering a name. "Doctor Turner." Sister Julienne looks between the door and sister Bernadette. "Sister… this sounds like a rash decision-"
"It's not!" Sister Bernadette raises her voice, shocking both the woman. "This has been months, years in the making. I have spent so long desperately and lonely and I have finally found something- someone who can make me happy." She desperately tries to get through to the woman. Sister Julienne stands with a sigh, the bed creaking under the motion.
Sister julienne takes one big stride across the room to reach the job and just as it twists sister Bernadette calls after her "sister I want to leave the order. "sister julienne turns ever so slightly and replies "I will talk to mother Jesu Emanuel."