Chapter Text
Junichiro startled awake just in time to see Atsushi flee to the bathroom, and soon heard her coughing up her guts. He dragged himself from his bed, knocking on the door, even though she hadn't closed it.
"Can I come in…?"
A sad noise was his only answer. He took it as a yes, coming to sit next to her and gently pull her hair back. It wasn't very long yet, only the one chunk reaching past her shoulders. She was still working on growing it out.
She sniffed, wiping her mouth gingerly. "Sorry…"
"It's okay. Did something happen?" Junichiro asked. Atsushi often woke up from nightmares, but she was never upset to the point of physical illness before. Not since the night after the orphanage director had come to town.
"Nothing real…" She rubbed her red-ringed eyes. "Stupid dream…"
"Want to talk about it?"
She shook her head.
"Want to go back to bed?"
"I can't sleep again, after that…"
"That's okay." Junichiro rubbed her back lightly. "I'll stay up with you. Do you feel alright now?"
She nodded. "Yeah… Nothing left to throw up…"
Junichiro got Atsushi cleaned up, and into one of his own soft hoodies. She trailed after him to the living room, hand in his, and curled up snug in one of the throw blankets. He sat beside her, taking a seperate blanket. There were dozens of things she was still unsure about doing, and he didn't want to force a single one. If something as simple as not sharing a blanket made Atsushi feel any safer, he'd do it.
She pressed into the couch, looking exhausted. Junichiro flicked the TV on for noise, quiet so they didn't wake Naomi.
"Can I help at all…?" he asked.
"Not really…" She forced a smile. "Company is enough. I'll be alright…"
Having slept only a few hours last night, she was a wreck at work. Zoning out all the time, frequent trips to the bathroom (to calm down alone, Junichiro guessed), and flinching around the other members - something she hadn't done since the first month or two. Even Dazai noticed, and he's a self-absorbed idiot.
Junichiro caught her on what must have been her fifth trip to the bathroom in an hour, not drawing attention to the way she jumped when she noticed him.
"Do you want to go home, Atsushi?" he asked, concern seeping into his voice. "No one will mind if you need rest…"
She shook her head, making herself relax. "I'm fine. Just a little tired."
"Mhm…" He looked at her shaking hands. He wouldn't force her. "Well, if you need to, just say something. Okay?"
She nodded.
Another hour later, Kunikida sent her home without giving her a choice. She'd almost cried on the spot, shoulders bunched up, trembling. She looked so small. Junichiro stepped in to gently ease her into the hall, hoping to at least spare her the crowd if she needed to break down.
"It's okay, Atsushi…"
She shook her head, hands coming up to tug at her hair. He winced, but didn't stop her.
"You're safe… Kunikida is only worried for you. I'll take you home, we can have lunch and watch a movie. Maybe you could try to sleep…?"
"I can't sleep…!" Her hands found her mouth, biting hard on her fingers. He was torn between not restraining her, and not letting her hurt herself.
"That's okay… Please try not to hurt yourself…" He fidgeted. "You don't have to sleep. You don't have to do anything… Can I take you home?"
"I need to- I need to ask Dazai something," she said, slightly unsure.
"Okay. Yeah. Let's go find him, okay?" He offered a hand, which she slowly took.
Talking to Dazai was better than keeping it all bottled up. It didn't have to be Junichiro she was talking to, he just didn't want her suffering alone in silence. Dazai was okay. Unless she was asking for suicide advice, that is. Junichiro glanced back at her.
"You wouldn't seriously hurt yourself on purpose, right…?"
She blinked at him, big, scared doe eyes. She shook her head.
"I'm not ready to die yet…"
"Okay," he said, believing her. He kissed the back of her hand gently. "I'm not ready for you to die, either. Tell me if you're ever feeling that bad, okay?"
She nodded, lowering her gaze to the ground again.
~
Dazai looked up from his work - okay, the magazine he was hiding in his work - to see Atsushi shuffle in, looking much more jittery than usual. He slipped his magazine into a drawer.
"Hey, Atsushi," he said, keeping his tone normal. Something was wrong, but that was for her to bring up. "What's up?"
She dragged over a chair, sitting opposite his desk. "I know you said you're not the one to go to for grief and whatever… But… I don't know…" She stared out the window, anywhere but meeting Dazai's eyes.
"You can talk to me. I'll do my best," he said gently.
She nodded once, swallowing. She looked back at her hands, clasped in her lap.
"I was… Okay, after he died… It- I had my feelings and everything, and then I was mostly back to normal. But it's getting worse again, and I don't understand why- is there something wrong with me?" Her voice broke. "I- I was okay, I was fine. And suddenly I can't sleep through the night, he's always there, talking and touching my hair and- and-"
"Atsushi…" She was looking sick. He placed his hands on the table. "There's nothing wrong with you. He hurt you, a lot. Your body will never forget. That happens, with trauma. There's nothing wrong with you."
"But he's not- he's not hurting me in the dreams, he's talking to me, and he's gentle-" She looked even more sickened by that. "-and he's just- asking about me. About my day, how I am, and how I look different- happier- asking why-"
Dazai pushed his paper bin under the table to her. She gave a slight nod of thanks, but didn't use it yet.
"I don't understand it, Dazai… He's not hurting me at all. He's just talking. He almost looks sad when I freeze up or get scared… Is it trauma, or grief, or something else? Does my brain just hate me?"
"Maybe." Not helpful. Dazai tried again. "I'm sure your brain is trying to tell you something. You said dreams; how many have you had?"
"At least one every night for two weeks…" she said.
No wonder she looked so awful. He clicked his tongue sympathetically. "Hm. Did anything happen, or change, before they started? Something reminded you of him, or…"
She thought about it, hugging herself. She needed a good rest - which was impossible, as it sounds.
"There was… I have so many scenarios running in my head, constantly, imagining things-"
Dazai nodded, signalling she didn't need to explain. Rehearsing interactions was something he was familiar with, when he went unmedicated. Now he just didn't care enough to try and get it 'perfect'.
"Before they started, maybe a couple days before, I don't know… He didn't know I'm a girl now. I was trying to imagine what his reaction would be, even though thinking about him makes me anxious… But it feels like I didn't know him at all, since he died. There's the him that… hurt me, and the him who came to give me flowers. And I don't know which was real, and… What he'd even say. And I know it doesn't matter, but I… don't know." She went quiet, seeming to realise she'd been talking for a while now. "Sorry…" she whispered.
"It's okay. I want you to talk to me." Dazai leaned back in his seat. "That could've triggered the dreams, yeah. In an ideal situation, I would advise you to tell him in your dream that you're a woman now. But I know you're scared out of your mind when he's there, aren't you?"
She nodded slightly.
"Mm. Well, try to make everywhere else as safe as possible. Nest. Make the place where you sleep as safe as you can, so you're comfortable when you go to sleep, and comforted when you wake again. Focus on what you can control. And just… Do your best, I guess."
"Do my best…" she repeated, rather miserably. He'd given her something solid to try, though. She nodded. "Thanks…"
~
Atsushi went back out to Junichiro, vision blurry. She was exhausted. Sleeping was the last thing she wanted to do, though.
"Everything okay…?" he asked gently. He was worried. He was always so careful, even when she didn't deserve it.
She nodded, trying to muster up a smile. "Yeah. Fine… I'm ready to go home…"
"Alright. Do you need anything else, before we get back? Food or something?" Junichiro took her hand, wincing briefly at her destroyed nails, and led her out.
She hummed, letting her gaze fall over the floor boards, trusting him to pull her forward. She thought about what Dazai told her. "Um… Blankets. Soft things. I think…"
"Okay, we can do that. Are you feeling up to shopping?"
"Not really…" She rubbed her face. "It won't get better without doing something, though."
It was another two hours before it was quiet again. Atsushi sat on her bed in Junichiro's room, running her fingers over the soft textures of the new blankets. She would've liked sleeping in the closet, where she did when she shared the apartment with Kyouka. Kyouka was staying with Yosano for a while, though. There had been a small incident. They were still close, but some space was needed. Now she was staying with the Tanizaki siblings, sharing a room with Junichiro, since it turned out she was no good at living alone.
Junichiro was using his closet for actual closet purposes, unfortunately. She didn't know how to explain she wanted to sleep in a tiny enclosed space. She could manage on the bed, really. She arranged the blankets around herself, making some kind of soft nest setup. Junichiro had insisted she pick some plushies. She'd chosen some bunnies, to pass onto Kyouka once she was through this, but she'd found a gorgeous white tiger plushie. That one, she'd have to keep.
Naomi cracked the door open, and Atsushi flinched more than she'd like to admit. She breathed through it, and Naomi gave her an apologetic look.
"Hey… Dinner's ready, if you're hungry? I made tea on rice for you."
Atsushi's favourite. Naomi wanted her to eat. She didn't want to eat a nice meal only to throw it up halfway through the night, but she hadn't eaten much all day, and Naomi looked worried too. She nodded.
"Thank you…"
Everything was set up nice. Stomach comfortably full, bed set up with blankets and pillows and plushies, Junichiro only a metre away on his own bed. Atsushi couldn't fathom laying down and falling asleep with the way her heart was racing, though.
"Could you talk…?" she asked quietly.
"Uh, sure. What about?"
"Anything, it doesn't matter…" She fussed with the blankets.
Junichiro nodded, staring at the roof. He started talking. She half-listened, more focused on the sound of his voice and reminding herself he was right there when she needed him.
He was there. He was right there.
Atsushi stumbled back, feeling the underwater-like quality of her dreams. Fake and wobbly, but much, much too real. Every feature, every detail of his face, burned into her memory, and cast perfectly on the man standing tall in front of her.
Atsushi, he said, stepping forward. She couldn't force the words from her mouth. You look well, my child.
Not yours, never yours… She tried to move back, get away. There was nowhere to go. No safe bed, no one to protect her.
You've come so far. I'm proud. His words brought no happiness, no comfort. You look different. Your hair is longer, now. It suits you, my son.
His words hit like pain, burning, killing her from inside her own head. No, no, no-
~
"Atsushi!" Junichiro tried again, holding her shoulders, trying to wake her. He knew he shouldn't interrupt a dream, lest he disorientate her even more, but she was crying so much-
The second she opened her eyes, she screamed. Loud, scared. Hands grasping for him, dragging at his skin through his thin t-shirt. He held her close, wrapping her up tight in his arms, cradling her head to his chest until she stopped scrabbling at him. The screaming eased into fast breaths and heavy sobs, her body trembling in his arms.
"Shhh, shhh… You're safe…" He tucked her head under his chin.
It hurt. She was doing so well, before this. She was getting better, and now her head was throwing more crap at her. It wasn't fair; she'd been through enough. She was so scared…
Naomi knocked lightly, poking her head in. Junichiro didn't speak. She came in, quiet, coming on the side of Atsushi's line of sight. She made sure the scared girl saw her and (hopefully) recognised her before sitting down as well, another layer of safety.
Even with the two of them working to calm Atsushi down, it still took almost a full hour before she started to look like herself again. Junichiro had rocked her for ages, and eventually switched with Naomi to stretch his legs and bring tea, even if Atsushi wasn't up to drinking anything. The smell was still calming.
He sat back on the bed, looking at Atsushi curled up small in Naomi's arms, Naomi stroking her messy hair. Her crying had quieted down. She was still.
"Cam you hear me, Atsushi…?" Junichiro tried.
The slightest nod.
"That's good… You're with me and Naomi. It's okay."
"I'm sorry…"
"You don't have to apologise, sweetie," Naomi said softly, giving Atsushi a light squeeze. "We're here to help."
"I woke you both up…" Atsushi mumbled guiltily.
Honestly, Junichiro hadn't slept at all, too worried for Atsushi. But he didn't think that would make her feel any better.
"It doesn't matter. I promise." He sat back against the wall, and Atsushi slowly crawled to lay against him, allowing Naomi to stretch herself out. "I just want you to be okay… I take it the blankets didn't work…?"
"I fell asleep easier…" She buried her face. "After that, though, it didn't do a thing…"
"No… I'm sorry. I was hoping it'd help you, too."
She sniffed, curling a hand over her eyes. "I don't know what to do…" she whispered. "I can't- I can't confront him. I can't live like this..."
Junichiro had a decent idea of who she was talking about. He'd been there with her, when she'd panicked over a simple photograph. He pet her hair.
"We'll figure something out… Maybe we can go ask Yosano tomorrow, mm? It may not be a medical issue, but she's good at mental health care, too." Junichiro would know. It'd been a hard few months, early on at the agency, for both him and Naomi.
"Okay…"
Atsushi didn't sleep any more that night. Junichiro and Naomi took shifts sitting up with her, neither wanting her to be alone right now. By morning, she was calmer, but still shaken and sleep-deprived. They needed a solution.
Naomi sorted with Kunikida that Atsushi needed at least a few days off. Junichiro got her up and ready to go anyway, to talk to Yosano. She was zombie-like, eyes dull, barely even awake. He felt bad, but trying for a hug felt mean, when she was like this. He just stayed close.
~
Atsushi didn't remember the trip. She just looked up, and she was in Yosano's office, the young doctor sitting opposite her, just them in the room. She glanced at the open window.
"Yosano…?"
Yosano hummed, looking up from her papers. "Hey, Atsushi. Feel up to talking now?"
Atsushi gave a slight nod. "I guess…" She didn't know what had happened between now and this morning, how long she'd been sitting in the office like this. She didn't know if anyone had-
"So, Junichiro told me it's nightmares?"
"Yeah…" Atsushi fidgeted. "I, um, changed my mind…"
"Mm?"
"I don't really want to talk…" She winced, hunched over her stomach. "Is that okay…?"
Yosano nodded calmly. "You don't have to do anything, Atsushi. I just want to help, any way I can. Only share what you're comfortable with."
"Okay…" she whispered.
Time passed, the clock ticking away lazily. Atsushi actually didn't mind the sound. She'd seen Dazai get so worked up over hearing the ticking, but to her, having access to a clock was still something of a novelty. It was calming, if anything. A reminder that she's out, she's human, she deserves respect. Even if she struggled to believe that last bit, sometimes.
When Yosano realised Atsushi wasn't going to talk at all, she filled the silence.
"Like I said, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. But I want to help. Knowing some context would help me understand what's going on, so I can better help you…"
"I don't want to right now…"
Yosano nodded, accepting it this time. "Alright. I'm here whenever you want to talk. The door is always open to you."
Atsushi nodded, staying seated. Yosano watched her for a moment, before going back to her paperwork.
Yosano, having finished her paperwork, turned in her chair to look at Atsushi.
"So… I'm thinking I'll go on a lunch break. Do you want to go home with Junichiro, or…?"
"…Could I come with you? Please…" She was too tired to bother with apologies.
"Oh. Yeah, sure. Come on."
Yosano took her to the cafe downstairs, and they sat in one of the booths. Atsushi played with the fabric of her uniform, hoping her long hair was enough for people to see a girl. She didn't have any skirts yet, or anything overly feminine.
Lucy pushed past a waiter to get to their table first, full attention on Atsushi. Yosano sighed.
"Hey, Atsushi. It's been a little while."
"I've been struggling a bit…" Atsushi said with a strained smile.
Lucy clicked her tongue in sympathy. "Want a hug?"
Atsushi went to refuse. She felt worse than usual, and even on a good day, she was unsure about physical touch. Lucy was the same, though, and offering. Atsushi nodded.
"Yeah…"
Lucy sat beside her in the booth, and hugged her firmly. Atsushi returned it shakily, safety flooding her senses. She didn't want to let go.
Lucy eventually backed off, but stopped when she noticed Atsushi was still holding onto her sleeve.
"Atsushi?"
"Can you- maybe stay for a bit? If- if that's okay-" She looked at the cafe owner, who just shrugged.
Lucy nodded. "Yeah." She sat down.
Atsushi tried to let herself relax a bit. She liked Lucy.
Sitting with the two other women soothed something in her. It wasn't that Atsushi didn't like men at all (well, she was still scared of them often, but honestly that extended to everyone), it just felt nice to be one of the girls.
Lucy threatened to beat up whoever was making Atsushi feel so bad, and, upon being told that wasn't possible because he was dead and only appeared in Atsushi's dreams, was still fully prepared to find a way to do it. Surely there's a skill user who can do that somewhere out there, she said. Atsushi smiled slightly.
They hugged goodbye, and Atsushi followed Yosano back up to the office. She felt a little better. Like maybe she could sleep for a bit. Home was far, though, and she didn't want to lose this comfortable feeling. Even if she'd wake up screaming, anyway.
"Can I sleep in here…?"
"…Of course. Go ahead." Yosano gestured to the medical bed. "I'm not sure how comfortable it is, but you're welcome to try. I can go into the main office-"
"No." Atsushi hesitated. "You don't have to… please… I'd like to have someone in here with me."
"Sure. Sleep away. I'll get some work done." Yosano smiled at her.
Time passed, and Atsushi got better. Spending time with the other women, and feeling like one of them, made her feel a lot more comfortable. There hadn't been a feminine hand at the orphanage - there were women, sure, but no one Atsushi could see as a role model or even a friend. The children were all treated the same, so there wasn't much difference between girls and boys.
Atsushi still spent plenty of time with Junichiro, him being her safe space. He said it was okay, though, and that hanging out with the guys at the Agency helped him too.
Atsushi had a few weeks of reduced work, to get herself back together. The nightmares didn't go away. Not fully. But they got easier, and the safer she felt when awake, the less and less she woke up crying and scared. Life started to be manageable again. And, slowly, enjoyable.