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It was the 70’s. They were 17, immature, and just as obsessed with David Bowie as they were when they were 13. The four boys were sitting in the deserted Gryffindor common room late one night. Peter near sleep, Remus reading in an armchair nearest the fire, James and Sirius occupying the couch, near Remus, softly muttering through conversations-presumably over forgotten homework. Being notorious for mischief there was an odd sense of calm in the atmosphere amongst the boys.
This was until the silence was broken by a loud snore from Peter and soft chuckles from the other three boys.
“You think we ought to hall him upstairs and head to bed ourselves?” James was the first one to break the hushed laughter.
“It wouldn’t hurt.” The reply came from Sirius as he stood from his relaxed seat on the couch to stretch.
Remus, too tired to say much, just kept to his book. As he paid the others no mind, he only heard faint sounds of rustling and an assent of disagreement presumably coming from Peter who did not want to move from the comfort of the chair. By the time the sound had faded into the background Remus realized his company had already made their way halfway up the stairs.
“You coming Moony?” This came from Sirius.
“Yeah, yeah, ‘I’m coming". Remus answered in assent. He stood up from his comfy chair, his hip popping in tandem to the sudden change in orientation, and he made his way up the stairs to join the other three marauders on the landing. This allowed the troupe to continue their way to their shared dormitory of the past seven years.
It was now their final year at Hogwarts and life had grown crazy for all of them. Hell, life had grown crazy outside of the castle walls. They marauders had changed as growing teenagers always do, but as a group they stayed relatively mischievous as always. Somebody had to keep the fun in their air, because the second it stopped the feelings of dread crept back into the old stone castle. The war was getting worse, and everyone knew it, but those four silly boys in Gryffindor refused to let people think about it for too long. Nonetheless though a storm was brewing and it was about to erupt outside the safe walks of Hogwarts. As Remus looked at his friends from his four-poster bed he'd admired just how much they had all changed that year. James had somehow finally won over Lily Evans, and they had been going out since sixth year. Peter was loyal to the group as always. Sirius was the same fluid, snarky, and handsome lad he had always been, and he was still an ever thorn in Remus' side as always. Remus himself was the only one who really hadn't changed much. Sure, he was taller, but he was still the same old Remus, still prefect, still helping everyone and their mum with homework questions, still dealing with the wolf, and still as ever in love with the stupid raven hair boy just across the room.
In his contemplative silence however, it was soon pierced by a shout.
“Oh no bloody way, I had no clue I still had these. Thought I tore them up to be honest.” This came from Sirius’ side of the room and James and Remus both intrigued turned to look. Following the outburst Sirius showed what appeared to be girls' clothes, or more specifically a black corset, ripped tights?, and a black mini skirt. James burst out laughing and Remus just looked bemused.
“They’re Narcissa’s old clothes I stole when I still lived in that hell hole. I guess I forgot I took them. Little last resort effort of deviance.” He laughed to himself.
"Well why in Merlin's beard do you still own the bloody things? It's not like you can wear them." James called out from his bed.
“What, you don't think I could pull them off? Oh my dear Progs and Moony you doubt my fashion expertise. You doubt me in general.” Sirius played along with them. “Wasn’t it Bowie and Mercury who crossdressed a little?
“Sirius, let me understand this correctly. It’s one in the morning and you want to put on your cousins' old clothes for a simple laugh.” chided James again. "Believe me we get enough of a laugh when we see you try to impress the girls in our year for the fifth time in a row."
“First off rude prongs, second off we all need a little joy in our lives nowadays, and THIRDLY I now need to prove to you just how incredibly sexy I will become once I put on these objects of attraction...” and with that he was off to their shared bathroom to presumably change and make a fool of himself. Remus laughed to himself quietly from his spot on his bed. Only Sirius would do this, only his Sirius.
“He’s our Sirius that's for sure.” Remus called out to James needing to voice his thoughts.
“No doubt about that, we’d know-” but before James could finish his thought Sirius had burst into the room in his new attire.
And oh-
It was no big surprise to anyone that Sirius Black was one of the most attractive students at Hogwarts, or at least in the eyes of Remus Lupin he was. For one he was painstakingly androgynous. Remus still remembers the one time a first year had catcalled Sirius out thinking he was a girl. This was before Sirius turned around and the boy saw Sirius's sharp angular features and ran for the common room. The marauders still laughed about it sometimes. But besides that, he had gorgeously long black hair, sharp defined features, dark blue eyes, he was tall, well built from time spent on the quidditch pitch, and most of all he was complex. He provoked thought and curiosities into Remus no matter many times Remus tried to stifle Sirius away and shove him in a box. He. Just. Kept. Coming. Back. This was no different because here was Sirius prancing around in the most feminine outfit Remus had ever seen him in and Remus’s brain was left radio silent. His one secret that he had managed to keep from his friends, was about to be ripped up like old carpet because his dear Padfoot felt like crossdressing. Remus bottled up his sexuality, or whatever these feelings were called anytime he stepped foot into Hogwarts. He was already felt like a freak for being a bloody werewolf, adding on the possibility of being a queer only made him feel more ostracized from his girl-obsessed peers. But yet here he was, Sirius right in front of him, the threat of his final locked and keyed secret on the front lines of being unveiled. He felt naked. He felt like he had on more revealing clothes then Sirius did and he felt as if every eye in the castle could somehow see him. He felt that these eyes just knew. They knew that Remus was different.
“What's wrong Moony, you look like you've seen a ghost. Is my attire giving you flashbacks to my nightmarish sister.” His thoughts were interrupted by a rambunctious Sirius who was dancing along to a record that had somehow started playing without Remus’ acknowledgment.
Remus noticed that James had turned his attention to something else clearly disinterested in Sirius’ antics. Remus being distracted by James didn't notice the ever-approaching presence of Sirius though.
“Don't tell me you've finally fallen in love with someone, and it's me!” Sirius teased him as he bent down on his knees and put his head on Remus’ free knee.
Remus felt attacked and answered rather defensively “What are you talking about you idiot?" he asked, pushing Sirius’s head off of his knee while also trying to grin to disguise his brash tone. He knew very well though that his awkward smile was no testament to his words though. He knew that he had given himself away if only a little. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't keep a fucking secret to save his life. His confirmation came moments later.
"Well, well I think I see your nose growing Moony." Sirius chided as he moved to sit next to Remus on his bed.
“What are you talking about?” Remus asked trying to remain calm and press himself further from Sirius.
"I'm not sure, why don't you tell me Mr. Moony. You're the one lying." Sirius said now leaving Remus' bed to move back to his own side of the dorm.
"Shut up, Black." Remus said closing his curtains around his bed.
Sirius' show was finally over, and Remus felt he could breathe again. The dorm had faded to gentle silence as presumably everyone, but Remus had turned over to sleep. Remus however was too busy muddling through his thoughts of the event that had just taken place. He had come to the conclusion of multiple things all somehow coincidingly. For one he was almost positive that Sirius in the span of a night had somehow worked out the one secret Remus had managed to keep for the longest of times. But this didn't matter as much as the second conclusion he had come to that night. He had realized that no matter how hard he tried he would never find someone as captivating as Sirius. No matter how many times Remus locked Sirius away he always came back stronger and more present as ever. But now, not only did the regular Sirius occupy his mind but the Sirius he had just seen in drag would now haunt him. Why was it the only "girl" he could find attractive was the one that was his friend dressed up in girl's clothes. It made no sense he was friends with plenty of girls, yet they just never "did it for him". James and Sirius, and hell even peter would always say that "he just needed to find the right one for him." But the one he had found was a guy sleeping not five feet from him. And the girl he had finally found also existed with the guy sleeping not five feet from him. His one chance of being "normal" of being just as girl obsessed as his mates was simply just a facade. He would never be normal in any graph, and it hurt.
Remus Lupin hated that he was stupidly in love with Sirius Black. But at the same time, he knew it had to be him. Deep down Remus Lupin adored Sirius Black because he was the one he found that was "right for him". But in some small part of him he would pine away forever more for Sirius Black in drag. Because despite loving Sirius he would give anything up to just be "normal and fall in love with girls".