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The hardest part of acting like you don’t care, is knowing how much you do. This is the hardest thing for Spock. To act unemotional as a cold hearted robot, while inside all he wants to do is yell and scream. To tell you not to leave him, or do something that will get you killed and take you away from him for he is to lonely to be left alone.
Because he must follow the rules. Because of the rules he must show no emotion, he must be 100 percent with no faults, he must not mess up. Because of the rules he must not be illogical or say anything illogical, and because of this he is lonely.p>
“Loneliness is not the act of being a alone but of not being able to say what you want.”
Oh how true this is for him. All he feels is his emotions and he cannot show them. He can't show his love for Uhura. Can't show how he much wants to protect Jim and how much he respects Jim. Spock can't show his laughter and happiness at his friends bad jokes. He can't show his unhappiness when Kirk does “the thing”, and what he hates the most is he cannot show his anger.
Anger that builds, flames, slops and splashes at the brim of his tongue like hot lava. But it cannot escape for his lips cover it up with terrible lies and percentages and facts that he does not want to say but must. This anger that makes him want to yell and scream into his pillow at night. To hit metal walls until his bones crack and emerald blood splatters across ever surface near him and on him. , let it dry and crack and peel away in thin sheets of rage and oppression. His anger that is so pure his father spent years trying to cover it up. Years upon years to cover up his false unloved child. A child that will never be loved and never as loved but from his mother. for he is not full Vulcan and is not full human but is half; a mixture of two things that should never be together.
Truth, structure, and rules should not mix with the hopes, imperfections, love, and freedoms of humans. They will never come together never be pure; never be anything any one wants to open up and be a part of. No wanted or ever will want him to be what he wants to be. So, he will pretend to be what he isn’t so he is not the left overs not the last choice, not the black sludge that gets kicked into the gutter. He may never be perfection or pure but he can try to look like it. Try to be something he isn’t just for a little while longer.