Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Series:
Part 1 of Letters to Nobody, Part 5 of Completed
Stats:
Published:
2026-04-15
Words:
598
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
6
Kudos:
29
Bookmarks:
3
Hits:
311

Sometimes, I look for corners in circle rooms

Summary:

Sometimes, Jax writes poems.

Sometimes, he wishes someone would write back.

Sometimes, Jax writes poems.

Every time he does, he throws them into the lake.

 

OR

 

I wrote something about Jax pining for Pomni and went "oh shit this is kinda good" so here we go.

Notes:

It is my personal theory that Jax does acknowledge his pain as real, just that it doesn't matter in the long run because they can always recover from it. Like yeah it happened but everyone gets over it

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

I am the rust that clings on fine metal.

 

I am the rot that infests fresh fruit.

 

I am the body that walks, the deceased falling apart.

 

I am the fly that spreads disease, the headache that you can't sleep off.

 

I am what pretends to be alive, I am a husk of who you see.

 

I know what I've done, I know I can't give up yet.

 

I know I will hurt you, I know the pain is real.

 

I know your brilliance will dim, I don't know how I will douse it.

 

I know it will be painful, I don't know how you'll leave. 

 

I know it's better that way.

 


But still.

 


But still, I want your laughter ringing in my eardrums.

 

But still, I want you to see me.

 

But still, I want your air to breathe.

 

I want you to love this walking corpse, I want you to see decayed lungs and a rotten heart.

 

I want your hands to cradle them like precious gold.

 

I want to question, I want to have room for doubt.

 

 

Can I be the necklace you hang around your neck? 

 

Can I be the one chain that rests against your collarbones?

 

Can I be the rug under your feet? Can I be the gloves on your skin?

 

Can I be the mirror you admire? Can I be the song you put on loop?

 

Can I be something you enjoy?

 

 

I want to be something other than myself, I want to be worth more than a façade. 

 

I want to be taken apart, I want to be put back together.

 

I want to be pushed open, I want to be stitched closed.

 

I want to be ruined, I want to be fixed.

 

I want to breathe, I want to my heart to stop.

 

I want to be yours, I want to be everyone's.

 

I want to be

 


And so, I want things I cannot have. I crave death in ways my life wouldn't be over.

 

 

I do not want sentience, I do not want life. 

 

 

I want to be the curl of your hair you brush down before you sleep,

 

I want to be the wrinkle on your clothes you forgot to iron out,

 

I want to be the gravel on the road you drive past,

 

I want to be the wind that blows in your eye,

 

I want to be the video game you forgot at your mom's house when you moved out,

 

I want to be there, again and again, in any way you will notice me.

 

I do not want to be remembered.

 


I do not want to be seen.

 


But I am, so I acquiesce.

 

I will be heard, I will be loud. 

 

I will grate on the sides of your boundaries, I will intrude on the edges of performative hostility.

 

I will be the thorn in your side, the pain in your gut.

 

I will admire from afar, how everyone chooses to love.

 

I will resent from a distance, how I am unable to do the same.

 


I am no more worth my actions, that is the truth. 

 


I know what I've done.

 

I will be the rust that clings on fine metal.

I will be the rot that infests fresh fruit.

 

I will be the body that walks, the deceased falling apart.

 

I will be the fly that spreads disease, the headache that you can't sleep off.

 

I will be what pretends to be alive, I will be a husk of who you saw.

 

I will be the one you choose to forget.

Notes:

Thanks for reading!!

Highkey as a trans person I was projecting a shit ton of body dysmorphia and the inherent feeling of not being human onto Jax, then combined it with the want to mean something while garnishing that with the awareness of knowing the pain and isolation you're causing then finally the dipping sauce of knowing you'll never be someone they can love.

Oh yeah that does mean this is technically this is an egg tfem Jax fic, but yk he's not going to accept any outcome where he's coming out of this shit alive or whole, he's not going to let love outlive him guys, he's going to die before his emotions do. He's going to go out believing he could carry the first genuine emotion he's had in years into the cellar.

 

ANNNYWAY. If u hate ai and love jax come join this (extremely small) Dc server! A Fanmade Dumpster Fire (cough cough it's multifandom too so cough oucgh )

Series this work belongs to: