Chapter Text
Dazai had an odd relationship with existence.
Some days he felt like he was an imposter in his body, some days he didn't feel physically connected to his body, some days he was just matter that happened to assemble and gain sentience, on other days he was so painfully alive.
Today was one of those days.
He couldn't place a finger on the swirl of emotions that were blooming in his chest, they made him sluggish, weak. He paused at the stack of paperwork he was sorting through, his mind was entirely focused on his breathing. Externally, it probably seemed normal; his breaths were too deep. It felt like his lungs were attempting to wash themselves with an excess of oxygen, like it would get any of the grime off. He tried to control his breathing, tried the stupid box breathing thing Mori taught him- it was like pouring water on a greasy pot. He put down his pen and sat with his back straight in the uncomfortable office chair, he checked his pulse: pressing his thumb into his wrist and feeling the rapid pulsing of his artery, it was rather aggressive. He couldn't figure out why his heart rate would spike, and he hated this feeling of uncertainty.
He experienced his emotions vicariously, like his refusal to acknowledge them as his own would make them any less real. He wanted to laugh at how pathetic his logic was, but he just sat there, stillness magnifying the moment.
He liked this quiet stillness, if he was lucky maybe he could stay this way the whole day. He wouldn't talk or move, he could pretend he wasn't real: just a doll.
Fortune was rarely on his side.
A knock interrupted his carefully crafted silence - he didn't respond. He didn't want to.
There was a pause, the person outside the door had the courtesy to wait.
"Dazai-san?", followed by another knock.
Well there was no getting around this, he sighed and asked the person to come in. A meek woman walked in and handed him a paper, she told him that the boss wanted to meet with him immediately. Dazai hummed in response and told her he'd get to it. The woman winced at the words, Dazai answered with a slight raise of eyebrow, clearly amused.
"Dazai-san, actually the Boss thought you'd try and put it off, you know...so he asked me to tell you that he wanted you there immediately. Oh! And he wanted you to bring that paper along with you. He said it was important."
The sentence was so unnecessarily long it irked him. He did nod in response, but he wanted to finish the last line of the paperwork he'd left half way. Just as he picked up his pen the woman interrupted him again, "Dazai-san he really wants to see you right away."
"I heard you the first time. I said I'd get to it didn't I?", he smiled mockingly at her, irritation seeping through his voice. The woman hurriedly nodded and scurried away.
He finished the line he'd been working on and made his way to the office. The elevator ride was long and suffocating, when the doors finally opened and let him out of that ascending coffin he walked past the long mahogany doors, only to be assaulted by the sunlight let in by Mori's floor length windows. The man sat with his back facing the window, the sunlight illuminating his outline but hiding his face. So dramatic.
"Dazai-kun," he greeted, looking up from his desk like he hadn't called in Dazai. Again, such an unnecessary power play. Dazai almost rolled his eyes, almost.
"Mori-san," he gave a small bow in a show of respect, "you called me?"
"Ah yes, have a seat," he motioned to the chair in front of him, "there is an organisation that has been overplaying their hand for a while. I suspect they want to accumulate more power, more resources. It threatens the delicate balance that Yokohama hangs on-"
"You want them gone."
"Always so perceptive, Dazai-kun." A small smile danced on his lips, eyes gleaming with pride, like a man that had trained his dog well.
"How much information do we have on the organisation?" asked Dazai, ignoring the way Mori eyed him like a trophy.
"Quite a lot. I'll hand you the copy of everything we know. It should be an easy takedown, they're growing reckless."
Dazai skimmed the report in front of him, "mm I think I'll take just Chuuya along with me, this doesn't require that much manpower. We'll get the job done."
Mori approved and Dazai went on his way to let his dog know of the new mission they were assigned.
The corridor outside Chuuya's office was rather busy, and Dazai didn't feel like knocking. He lock-picked the door and walked in noiselessly. He leaned against the door frame, watching Chuuya tediously chip away at his paperwork.
"Such dedication, I should be proud of how well trained you are," he pretending to flick a tear away.
Chuuya flinched at the voice, before recognition settled, he turned around to face the boy he "despised".
"Dazai what the fuck? How long have you been standing there and looking at me like a creep?"
"Such vanity Chuuuya, how do you know I was looking at you?"
"What else could you possibly be looking at, you numbskull?"
"I was merely checking to see if the rest of your office matched your proportions, I had a slight suspicion you lived in a hobbit hole."
Chuuya threw one of his paper weights at him, Dazai dodged it without breaking a sweat, "Anywayy, I don't have time for your schematics-"
"My schematics?! You're the one who waltzed in here and-"
Dazai tutted him, "-I'm here because Mori-san wants us to take down "Unity", he thinks they're a growing threat or whatever."
Chuuya turned around to face him, eyes gleaming with hunger, his lips cracked into the smile of a predator that found their next meal. he got up from his chair and stretched, cracking his knuckles.
"I've been itching for a mission like this, the Boss has me drowning in paper work. That jewel trade is all talk and no action I've been boring myself to death listening to them talk."
"I had a feeling you'd like this."
Chuuya felt something warm in that moment, something intimate. There was a weird intimacy in being known, in being seen. He wasn't sure he'd ever feel it with anyone but Dazai. He hated Dazai for that, at least that's what he told himself.
He followed Dazai out to a café, they sat in comfortable silence sipping drinks while Dazai went through the paper work. The change in scenery is something he needed, the concrete walls of his office had been eating at him, he wondered if Dazai knew that. They don't usually sit together while he figures out plans.
He slid a map of the organisations interior towards him, his slender finger worked around the walls and he droned on about how the interior was fragile and he didn't want Chuuya to go break it because they had the upper hand and what not.
"I'm not stupid."
"No, but you're impulsive, and your ability draws a lot of attention. If we maintain stealth we'll be in and out, once the leader is dead I'll let you flatten the rest of them."
"Why are we going for the leader first this time? Don't we normally go for subordinates then leader?"
"We do, but I have reason to believe the leader's ability is quite unique, you'll know when you see."
"Do we even know what he looks like?"
"What she looks like," Dazai corrected,"Chuuya is such a sexist. Does he not know women can also lead evil organisations?"
"Shut up. It's just rare to see a female head."
Dazai clasped his hands together and tilted his head in faux excitement, "Well then we'll have the pleasure of dealing with the very few female organisation heads, oh Chuuya it feels so great to be part of the whole empowerment thing, it's such a meaningful thing you know?"
"Cut the crap Dazai, you stupid good-for-nothing womanizer. God knows how many women you've misled."
A somber expression passed Dazai's face, it did not last long enough for Chuuya to even attempt to comprehend it. Then, the facade came back on, "You wound me Chuuya, if Chuuya is jealous of the women who get to date me he should just say so." He said this whilst maintaining eye contact with the other boy, smirk growing wider at the mess that became of him.
Chuuya grew a shade of pink and began sputtering, not helping his case at all, he couldn't help the embarrassment and nervousness that suddenly took hold of him, "I- Dazai what? I don't - I'm not jealous!"
"Evidently," Dazai leaned closer, his face just a couple inches from Chuuya's, "I've seen how you look at me Chuuya, it's a shame you won't act on it," He glanced down at Chuuya's lips.
Chuuya's head went blank, he wanted to kiss him.
He wanted to kiss Dazai.
Before he could act on his momentary lapse of judgement, the bastard sat back in his seat with a satisfied smile, like a cat after a successful hunt. He continued going through the rest of the files on the organisation like nothing happened.
'No, but you're impulsive.'
He hated that Dazai was right. He hated the disappointment he felt at having lost the chance to kiss the boy sitting across from him. He hated how overcome by desire he'd been just moments back. He hated Dazai.
The line between love and hate is quite thin, it's something Chuuya uses as a jumprope.