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He hadn't expected the cold. The chilly wind rustling through the trees had him bury his hands deep into his pockets. The leaves seemed to burn in deep shades of red and orange. Fall was something you only heard of in the movies where he grew up. The sun always shone bright and winter was nothing more than an afterthought. The dry leaves crackled under his soles as he turned to Jack, a shadow of a smile passing his lips. "And here I thought it was gonna be warm today. You could've at least told me to bring a sweater."
Jack chuckled and patted his back fondly. "I did tell you. You just didn't listen. It's alright, you can borrow one of mine." The thought of having Gabriel wear one of his sweaters awoke a deep-buried emotion, but he shoved it down. "We'll spend next Halloween in L.A."
"Oh no," Gabe answered sharply. "You… don't wanna go there. There's nothing to do there anyway."
Adjusting his bag on his shoulder, Jack pulled at the strap. "I'm sure that's not true. Pizza, beer, scary movie? That can't be such a terrible Halloween experience."
They fell silent as they strolled down the dirt road. Jack could see the white face of the wooden farmhouse reflecting the sun on the hill. Coming home always felt like a mix of joy and pain. It's not like his family was cold, but there was always something to hide, to put away, to bury.
When you wanna get rid of a memory, bury it in the cornfield .
His father always used to say that. Jack never understood it, but he wouldn't admit that. He'd just nod his head like he got it and continued looking after the horses quietly. He snuck a look at Gabe, who was currently stepping on the leaves in their path with obvious satisfaction as they crumbled under his feet. He wanted everyone to know him. He knew for sure his mom would love him and his fragile hidden insecurity, hidden under piles of anger and sarcasm. He wanted to share this patch of Earth with Gabriel. Both were a part of his life.
"Did you get aliens yet?"
Jack was startled by the sudden question. "What?"
Gabriel gestured towards the cornfield beside them. "You know, crop circles." He chuckled lowly.
A chill ran down Jack's back, but there was no wind. "I haven't seen any, but if you notice anything, let me know." He smiled and wrapped a strong arm arm around Gabe's shoulder as they arrived at the gate. Jack glanced one last time at the golden, dry cornfield as the door opened to admit the two of them into the house.
~
Two days had passed since he and Gabe settled into his old bedroom. Gabe had managed to go over his entire comic book collection. I'm more of a Batman guy myself he'd said with a slight smile as he leafed through yet another Captian America issue from the pile on the nightstand. He didn't comment on the trophies and medals, elegantly ignoring every first-place Jack had ever achieved. He hadn't expected any recognition.
It was a cool, golden afternoon, befitting this year's Indiana autumn. They sat on the edge of Jack's bed and went over some assignments they'd taken with them for the vacation. Jack knew Gabriel was willing to work just as hard as him and even more so to excel in the program, and he wouldn't give up the opportunity to work with him.
There was something fascinating about the way those brown eyes scanned the text, his fingers hovering over the letters, leading him to the solution. A flash of movement and the pen stroked the paper - the only sound in the room other than the calling of crows and neighs of horses that sounded every so often.
"Jack?" Jack's gaze tore from Gabriel's fingers all at once and he met his brown eyes and that wonderful smile of his best friend in the past couple of years. "Are you going to write or just stare at the paper?"
If it were just the paper that wouldn't be a problem . He pushed the thought aside, burying it deeper in a ground filled with memories and desires.
"Tell you what," Gabriel said suddenly, setting his book and writing equipment aside. "I think we've been cooped up in this room too long. Maybe it's time you show me this 'nature' you keep talking about." He air quoted that word, making Jack smile softly.
"Alright. Have you ever fed a horse?"
"I'm not a barbarian!" Gabe said, outraged. "Of course I've never fed a horse."
That made Jack laugh. The city-boy's hatred of nature and fields was easy to see, but then Gabriel rarely expressed positive emotions about things, so Jack wasn't hurt in the name of all horses and the state of Indiana. "You can come along and be a barbarian for a little bit." He got to his feet and offered his hand for Gabriel to take. He thought he saw a hint of a flush on his face as he took his hand and didn't try to figure it out. He wasn't supposed to analyze everything going on with his best friend, right? "Or if you don't like horses," he said as he tightened his grasp slightly when Gabriel stood up, "how do you feel about fields?"
"Hate 'em."
"Excellent."
~
Gabriel couldn't choose a sweater. They were all either too cute or too perfect, something to wear for a family Christmas photo where your family and the world and everything is perfect. He chose a black jacket that nestled in the corner of Jack's closet. The hoodie protected him from the chilly air while Jack beside him only needed a long sleeved shirt.
Morrison's property reached the woods on one side, and ended in a creek on the west side. That's what Jack's father had said when Gabe asked Jack how much they would need to walk the next day.
Jack's father liked to hear himself speak.
That was all Gabriel was able to gather about him. Liked to hear himself speak, and was uninterested in hearing others talking. Well, that was one way to lead a life. He didn't have to like it. Three days from now they'll be on a plane back to the base, anyway.
The two walked quietly along the fields that surrounded the farmhouse, beside a cropped wheat field. The ground was golden and full of forgotten, fallen wheat stems. A small flock of crows busily dug through the remains in the empty field. Jack chuckled quietly and stopped for a moment to look at them. "They know when we're done with it and only come around then. They're not so bad." Gabe wasn't looking at the crows at this point. Jack's face radiated in the golden sun, his blue eyes seemed nearly silver in the reflecting light. He could read Morisson like an open book by now.
He couldn't remember seeing him so at ease in all the years they knew each other. He seemed peaceful, and not a single muscle was strained in his body. He loved being here. This was his natural habitat, in the field, looking at the crows in the sunset.
"Why did you enlist?" The question startled Jack back into the here and now.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Morisson, that I've never seen you smiling like that in my life. Why did you sign up and go through the whole process if it meant losing that happiness?"
Jack looked at him for a long moment, the kind of stare he'd give a complicated tactical question in a test.
"Why did you enlist, Gabe?"
A question for a question, huh. Smart move, Morrison. Alright.
"There was nothing to stay at home for. It's all broken and shitty. I didn't want to end up like my loser father who didn't even elect to stay a part of the family or give any part of himself to the world. I wanted out. Prove I can do better. I can do better." Gabriel could feel his face heating, and knew Jack could see it too. "Your turn, blondie. Why would you leave a perfect house and a perfect family where you're loved by all?"
Jack pulled his shoulders and gave Gabe a gentle smile the likes of which he'd never seen on him before. His face kept getting hotter. "I love this house, but this is nowhere. I'm not meant to be a farmer like my dad, however much he wanted me to be. No matter what I did in life, it was never enough for him. I thought, if I enlisted I could grow, show him he can be proud of what I'm doing." Jack fell silent then, the smile wiped off his face.
"But he isn't," Gabriel finished for him, quietly.
Jack gave him a tense smile. "No."
They walked down the field in utter silence towards the red barn that shone in the setting sun like golden fires of autumn. The silence was tense. Neither of them dared speak. Gabriel wanted to break the quiet but couldn't. What could he say? Sorry for bringing it up? That would be even worse than bringing it up in the first place.
Jack stopped all at once and Gabe walked right into him.
"Morrison?"
Jack inhaled slowly, his eyes closed. Fuck. He was going to get it now.
"Me and my dad… We're not best friends, to put it mildly," he started suddenly. "Might sound like a spoiled brat, but my father is a cold, distant man, and all he ever wanted from me and my siblings was for us to be model soldiers in his fields or on the battlefield. It didn't matter which." Jack kicked the ground as he turned to meet Gabriel's gaze. "He didn't want me as I am. No matter how well I did and how I excelled, it never stood a chance against how much contempt he had for me."
Gabriel shifted uneasily. He wanted to reach for Jack, hold his shoulder, comfort him in some way. But Jack would see that as pity, he knew that much.
"What did you have to hide?" he heard himself ask. Of course Gabe had the stupidest, untimely questions. Jack fell utterly silent, staring at him. He could feel those blue eyes piercing holes in his soul. It was as if Jack could see the darkness inside him, the thoughts he'd been repressing and the desires he'd been hiding.
"It doesn't matter, Gabriel," he said tensely. He was nearing the precipice, he could feel it. Some things were better left untouched. "But that's why I enlisted, really. I don't want to be where he can see or be part of my life. I'm happy when I come home because I grew up here, in these fields." He gestured towards the dry cornfield they were now standing next to. "This is what made me who I am, not my father." He was silent then. Distant crow-calls and rustling leaves in the wind were the only sounds breaking the quiet. Gabriel's heart was pounding in his chest.
"I can understand that," he said, his voice barely a whisper.
Jack lifted an eyebrow. He looked cold, like he was a million miles away.
"I'm sorry I asked…" he added.
"Don't ever apologize for your decisions, Gabriel. You asked, that's your answer, even if it isn't the nicest answer out there." Jack was back, his hand grasping Gabe's arm. Heat immediately flooded Gabriel's body. He knew, all at once, the answer to his question - the one Jack didn't give. He understood the pain and anger, the quiet burial Jack went through every night.
He wanted to say he understood. Hug him tight. Wrap him in warmth and tell him that tonight they wouldn't be burying anything, they were safe.
But, as always, his voice and body refused to do his bidding, and he stayed frozen under Jack's warm touch. He could sense a spark of desperation that had escaped those locked doors keeping Jack on his feet. He wasn't going to say anything. Wasn't going to ruin the man who stood before him, who had been there for him after every nightmare and through every hardship.
He didn't want to hurt him any more than he was already hurting.
"Let's go back, Jack. It's getting dark…"
"Not yet." Jack's voice was stilted, painful. Gabriel couldn't argue.
"What now, then?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know!" Jack nearly barked at him. His grip on Gabriel's arm tightened. A normal person would've been crying out in pain by now, but he wasn't a normal person. Neither of them was.
Gabriel sighed and held him back. "Hey, Morrison… Jack…" Jack's blue eyes focused on him now. Gabriel couldn't hold his gaze for long. "No matter what happens, we'll stick it out, okay?" Jack's grasp loosed slowly, holding his arm gently now. Jack nodded his head, the pain sliding back.
"Yeah, no matter what." He smiled at him.
Gabriel had to smile back. Jack was too handsome when he smiled, and he couldn't see him hurting like that ever again. The wind went through the field, playing with the dry corn stocks. It was a hollow, dark rustle. The light grew into a burning red now, and the clouds were painted in sunset-colors to match the fallen leaves on the ground. They were still holding onto one another, neither of them willing to let go first.
Jack took a step forward. "Come on," he said.
As if moving on their own, his Gabriel's feet carried him after Jack into the tall, dry field.
~
Jack's heart was doing a hundred miles a second. He wasn't going to give it up, not this time. He felt Gabriel's hand clasping his own, hurrying after him so as to not get lost in the tall corn. He lead them deep into the heart of the field, scaring away crows and other birds out of their hiding spots. The crows called out an ominous cry above their heads. Gabriel looked after them as they flew away and out of sight. Jack was nearly running when Gabriel dug his feet in the ground.
"What happened?" he demanded in his typical stubbornness.
"Just... come on," he said, slowing down. Gabriel didn't let go of his hand and walked beside him. Jack's heart was still racing in his body, slamming against his ribs like three kicking horses. He glanced at Gabriel, who seemed tense and worried, trying to avoid the dried up corn remains. They reached the center of the field and Jack came to an abrupt stop.
"You know what could be nice? If you didn't stop so suddenly like an idi- Jack?" He froze when Jack stood before him. He could feel his face running hot as Gabe's look passed over from Jack's lowered eyes to his body.
"Gabriel… I don't want anything to change. Do you understand what I mean? I'd like things to stay as they are, unmoving."
Gabriel gave him a long skeptical look. "The world changes all the time, Morrison. You can't stop that."
Jack shook his head and held on a little tighter. "But it's a thought… maybe it's not so awful."
Gabriel was smiling at him then, a real smile. "No, Morrison. It's not an awful thought at all."
Jack's breathing was shaky and the ground as though slipped under his feet when he met Gabriel's dark brown eyes. They were sparkling in the purple redness of the sunset, narrowed under his smile. Jack reached his other hand for him, holding his back with some hesitation.
Gabe tensed for a moment, and he could see the fear flitting over his eyes for a second before he recovered and leaned carefully into the touch. Jack licked his lips, swallowing the fear that choked him.
"What if it isn't just a thought anymore? What if it's happening?" Jack questioned, and Gabe gave him the determined look he always gave their skeptical commanders.
"Then it happened. What can you do about it other than try and live with it?" He leaned closer now, and Jack moved closer too. It was all the approval they needed for their first kiss to happen.
Jack's eyes closed, and all the rich colors around him disappeared. There was only infinite warmth and a strong heartbeat. Gabriel's hand grasped his face, and Jack sighed into the kiss. For that moment nothing else existed in the world. No force could stop them when they were together.
Then, the kiss ended, and so did the moment. Jack stepped back all at once, and Gabriel's eyes were wide open. He tried to pull Jack in again, but Jack shook his head.
"The world isn't going to change, Gabriel. It just isn't. But if one day it does… it might be different."
Gabriel didn't answer. He looked aside, staring at a small patch of ground. Jack moved closer, enveloping him in hug. Gabriel wasn't hugging him back, but his breathing was shaky, he could feel him tense up under Jack's touch.
"This isn't the place for it, Gabe. It was a mistake here. Outside… that's where it'll happen," he whispered in his ear, and left Gabriel in the middle of the field as he went back to the farmhouse.
~
Dinner was quieter than usual. Gabe wasn't looking at him as he played with his food. His mother asked her usual questions about the food and his father gave the regular answers. Everything felt like an act, like a final rehearsal before the big performance.
Gabe helped wash the dishes, claiming he couldn't just be a guest after living there for two days. His mother was in love with him, as Jack had expected. And his father…. His father said nothing. He just watched television in his chair, shut away from everyone.
Night fell quickly, and everyone was already in bed. Jack lay awake in the room's total darkness. The clock flashed the time: 01:00. Jack turned to the other side and stared at the silver moon outside the window. Regret filled him. He couldn't do that to Gabe. The pain had been real, he saw that much in those brown sparkling eyes he'd abandoned in the field. He could hear it in the heavy steps that climbed up the squeaky wooden stairs as he climbed into Jack's bed. That same bed Jack had given him while he himself slept on the floor in a sleeping bag.
He could hear him breathing, deep and heavy. It was comforting, knowing he wasn't alone anymore, but the pain resonated between them now. It was a pain Jack couldn't stand any longer. Gabriel would never show his bleeding wounds, but Jack knew how much raw emotions ran under that thick, bullet-proof armor he'd taught himself to wear.
Jack took a deep, shivering breath, and saw movement on the bed. Gabriel heard him. In complete silence Jack got up, closed the door all the way and walked quietly to the edge of the bed.
"Gabe, you awake?" There was no answer, but Gabriel's breathing changed. He was listening. "I'm sorry about today." He could see Gabe tensing under the covers. "I haven't even said what about, yet." A thin sliver of hot anger ran through him. "I'm… I'm not sorry for kissing you." Gabriel's breathing was uneven. "I'm sorry… I ran away." Jack sat down on the edge of the mattress. There wasn't enough air in the room. "I was a coward, just like I was raised to be." No answer came. "But you're right. What happens happens. We have to live with that."
He took a deep breath, snuck a fearful glance at the door. He listened to the sleeping house. They'll be okay tonight, he thought as he slid under the covers.
Gabe nearly leapt out of the bed when Jack held his waist. "I'm not going to give this up, and I know… I know y-" Lips pressed to his own. Jack couldn't resist the warmth of that touch, which wrapped around him fully as he hugged Gabriel against himself. Their hearts beat together.
"You're not alone, Jack." Gabe's voice was nothing but a whisper. They kissed again. Tonight it was going to be different.
When you wanna get rid of a memory, bury it in the cornfield .
It was clear now, but as always, his father had been wrong.