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The weather was perfect for a temple visit, Kusumi all but dragging his bodyguard awake. Kaji stared blearily at the ceiling, trying to process if his alarm had even gone off yet. The sun was filtering through the curtains and he assumed that that had been what had woken the other boy. He shifted to lean on his elbow, staring at Kusumi sitting upright against the wall.
He was beaming, waiting patiently.
"You're excited," Kaji pointed out, needlessly.
Kusumi nodded, pointing at the window.
Sun's up. Going to be warm! It's a perfect weekend.
Kaji shook his head, but he couldn't deny the faintest tug on his own lips. What kind of childish activity was visiting a popular temple? Surely the other boy had had his fill of social outings such as this. But he'd begged and made Kaji agree to take him this week and who was he to deny his charge?
"Why so early?"
Early enough to avoid too many crowds.
Ah.
Kaji understood and secretly appreciated that. He got uncomfortable in crowds too just generally and protecting Kusumi would be harder with too many people pressing around them. And with the way the other boy had been sheltered for so long — Kusumi probably didn't know how to deal with too many crowds like that anymore either.
"Alright…I'll get dressed and we can go."
Kusumi nodded.
I'll make a small breakfast for us!
One meal of toast and tea followed by a short walk later, and the two were standing outside the Sanmon Gate of the temple that had entertained Kusumi's mind for two weeks. Once again, Kaji watched in shock and no small amount of intrigue as Kusumi's entire face lit up. He pulled away from Kaji's side, mouth spreading into a large grin as he spun around in a big circle.
There was music as Kaji heard the boy laugh, a sweet melodic sound that seemed to tinkle in the morning air like bells. He blinked surprised grey eyes at the sight, even as he felt a fond gentleness soften the tension in his jaw. Kusumi faced him and Kaji tried to hide his uncharacteristic reaction, not sure if he succeeded.
It smells so nice! All the flowers and the warm air!
Kusumi surged towards him before Kaji could reply, grabbing onto his hand and pulling him along. Kaji couldn't look away, feeling weirdly giddy just looking at the joy on Kusumi's face. What was happening, why did his chest feel like this?
Kaji took two big strides to catch up, falling into place with the other as Kusumi all but dragged him up the stairs two at a time. It was almost like Kusumi's joy was intoxicating him, he felt drunk. Insanely so. If he didn't know better, he would've thought the boy poisoned him back at the apartment. But no this was…real…nice.
"Slow down," he grumbled, but he realized he really didn't even mind being dragged along.
He tried to remind himself to keep his eye on the faint scatterings of groups around them. But his mind was focused only on Kusumi. He wanted the boy to laugh again. He wanted to know what his voice sounded like. Was it always like hearing bells? Would it always make his chest soar like this?
Can you be normal for half a second? He thought to himself.
"Ren? Is that you?"
Just like that, the world around Kaji shattered like a cup someone had dropped to the floor. Every bit of its contents spilling in the same way the blood drained from Kaji's features.
Passing through the gate in the opposite direction ahead of them was a dark-haired middle-aged man. He was inconspicuous for the most part, an average every-day man wearing comfortable street wear, he could be anyone. But his face was hardened and scarred, one eye cloudy white, the socket surrounded in puffy scar tissue. His mouth was agape slightly in surprise, but his jaw was tense as he hovered only a few feet away.
Kaji felt himself tense as well, every muscle in his body pulled taut like koto strings. His jaw clenched so tightly he was afraid his teeth might break under the pressure. The stranger broke the silence when Kaji did not respond.
"You're looking good, kid…"
The scars on Kaji's cheek burned when the man spoke, a tingling of sparks digging into his skull, memories made of blood and gunpowder rising up in his mind. He tried to open his mouth and speak, to say something — anything — but his jaw wouldn't unclench. He needed a crowbar to pry his lips apart at this point.
The stranger cast his gaze on Kaji's companion, head tilting as his eyelids opened wider. His tone was suddenly one of far too much curiosity to be comfortable.
"Is that Yuto-kun?"
Jaw meet crowbar.
"Wow, you've grow—"
"Keep his name out of your mouth," Kaji growled, teeth bared, words dripping with every bit of violence as a feral dog.
Instinctively, Kaji had put a hand out to push Kusumi a step behind him the moment the man had turned to look at him. Kaji didn't even notice Kusumi's hand still clutched to his, the boy's other hand wrapping around Kaji's forearm, pulling closer to his bodyguard. Surprisingly, Kaji thought he might be shaking more than the other boy.
The stranger sighed heavily, rocking on his feet as he looked back to Kaji. "You never got in touch with me. I left my card in your mail a bunch of times. Is your mother doing well?"
"We have nothing to talk about."
"Ren…please…" The man started to step forward and it took all of Kaji's strength not to take an immediate step back in response. But he felt his heartbeat racing, bounding in his chest. "I just want to get to know yo—"
A gun exploding too close, ears ringing for what felt like an eternity, hands around his throat. The smell of blood and sweat and old grease crawling into his nostrils, suffocating. He's choking. Choking. Choking. He couldn't breathe…he couldn't…The thin hand around his arm tightened, Kusumi's fingers intertwining with his, squeezing, pulling him back down into his own body again.
Reality settled back into place, Kaji and Kusumi standing outside the temple in front of the man that still haunted every one of Kaji's nightmares. He exhaled sharply through his nose, glaring at the man.
"Leave now, and I won't tell Tanaka-san about you breaking the agreement."
Now it was the stranger's turn to pale, jaw tightening and lips twisting into the anger and bitterness that Kaji knew best. A threatening finger pointed forcefully in his direction.
"One day I'll settle my score with Shinji and the family, and then I'm coming back for you, do you understand me, boy? You belong to me, don't forget that."
Kaji wasn't surprised at the fury with which he spit the words, nor the way he no longer called him by his name. The way Kaji became little more than the weapon that the man wanted to wield. The bitter reminder tasted like poison in the boy's mouth.
It had always been like this though, hadn't it?
He was used to it. He knew how to handle it.
It would never be any different after all.
The man clenched his teeth, but he said nothing else as he shoved his hands firmly into his pockets and shuffled away. Kaji watched him go, counting steps until the man had turned the corner at the end of the walkway and disappeared.
He blinked his eyes slowly shut, letting the adrenaline rush over him before he exhaled slowly and turned. Kusumi remained stationary, feet planted, even as Kaji tried to continue forward, threatening to pull out of his hold. Kusumi's fingers tightened, refusing to let the boy go. Kaji felt a tug, gentle and careful pressure attempting to pull him back.
Kaji didn't want to look at Kusumi. He felt like he was going to vomit, not sure if it was from the anxiety smothering him alive or the feeling of the world spinning out of control under his feet. There was a visceral tightening in his stomach that seemed to be moving up his chest and no amount of slow breathing was helping rid him of it. Sweat was beading on the back of his neck too, making his hair sticky and heavy against his skin. He didn't want to face Kusumi like this, didn't want to admit he was afraid to the boy that he was supposed to protect.
No, afraid was too simple of a word.
He was absolutely terrified.
Of a man he could probably kill with his bare hands before he even finished a breath.
Something grazed the back of his neck, and Kaji snapped his head around, teeth colliding together with a snap, canines sharp and ready. But instead of any enemy or attacker, he simply came face to face with Kusumi only inches away, staring at him with almond brown eyes full of worry. His free hand slowly drifted away from Kaji's neck where he'd shifted the blonde's hair off his skin, wiping some of the sweat away. Kaji felt slightly less uncomfortable now, less overstimulated.
"I'm fine," Kaji forced out finally, trying to calm that distressed look in Kusumi's eyes. It made Kaji uneasy — in ways he didn't know how to explain.
Kusumi dropped the grip on his hand only so he could sign in response.
"You're a terrible liar."
Kaji opened his mouth and found his tongue wouldn't move, his voice trapped as much as Kusumi's. He grit his teeth together, reaching a hand up to hide his face, shaking his head emphatically. His mind was a whirl of thoughts and fears and memories. He couldn't find the words to explain what he didn't want to accept.
Kusumi's fingers glanced across his wrist and he felt more than heard himself groan in irritation and stress, the faintest rumble in his throat. He sighed, dropping his hand to face the boy. Kusumi smiled softly, lips tight, eyes pleading.
He didn't need to speak or sign. His eyes said everything: Talk to me.
"I—I…" The ground kept spinning. His stomach kept rolling. His vision was blurring in and out. His legs were growing weak and he was using every bit of focus to stay standing.
"Let's just..." Keep going. Finish the tour. Have fun. He was going to ruin Kusumi's day, he had waited all week for this.
The other boy's skin touched his once more, but this time it was the firm presence of Kusumi wrapping an entire hand around his wrist, pulling him. Kaji's legs almost gave out, the boy stumbling as Kusumi practically yanked him across the walkway.
"Kusumi...where are you…"
The brown haired boy didn't turn back nor did he answer, continuing to lead Kaji to the other side of the gate, to a doorway labeled "restroom". Once inside, he turned back to the door and locked it behind them. Kaji made a face, grumbling under his breath.
"If you needed to use the bathroom you didn't need to—"
Kusumi entered his personal space before he finished his sentence, both of the boy's hands laying flat against his cheeks. The soft skin of Kusumi's fingers felt strange across his scars, and without even thinking Kaji turned his cheek, chasing and pressing into the touch. His heart skittered in his chest, but his breathing steadied.
"Kusumi…"
One hand moved slightly, a thumb brushing across Kaji's lips as Kusumi shook his head. He shushed him silently.
"…He…"
Kaji blinked in shock. Kusumi's voice was shaky, slightly hoarse, but strong…and most importantly audible. Even if Kusumi hadn't shushed him, Kaji was suddenly unable to say a word, staring at him in surprise. As far as he'd been told Kusumi had fallen silent years ago, why would he speak to —for—him of all people?
"…Scared you…"
Kaji's throat tightened, gaze pulling away from the deep almond sea engulfing him. He shook his head again silently, but Kusumi pressed on.
"I know fear."
Kusumi's voice didn't shake this time, firm and unwavering. Kaji turned back to him, fixing their gazes together. Kaji didn't know the boy's past in full, but one thing he knew from their time together so far was the truth in those words. Kusumi did know fear, and now he was reading Kaji's like an open book. And his eyes said everything.
He went to look away again. He couldn't admit his feelings, his fears…not to Kusumi — not to anyone. Kusumi's hands tightened, holding him in place, and the grip — soft and gentle — cracked Kaji open like a ribcage in an autopsy.
He blinked his eyes a few times, shoving back the feeling of unidentifiable emotions threatening to pour out of him.
"My dad…" Kaji choked out, "He was…a bully…"
That was the biggest understatement in the world. "And I…"
Everything was darkness and blood; a throat dry and torn from screaming. He doesn't remember screaming. He doesn't remember anything. It just hurt, it hurt, it hurt…
Kaji blinked his eyes shut again, but he couldn't keep them closed, the nightmares threatening the back of his eyelids.
"I wasn't his child…I was just…" His voice cracked, and he dropped his gaze slightly as he whispered, "I've always been a monster…"
Kusumi's thumb rubbed across his cheek, across his scar, the same scar he got from the man that had just looked him in the eye only ten minutes ago and threatened him again. Like his life had never changed. Like he was still a scared child cowering in an automotive garage.
"Not…" Kusumi breathed, softly, "Not."
Kaji couldn't even find the words to protest, because as simple and one-worded as Kusumi's response — it shook him…Kusumi's hands were reaching into the very chest he'd broken open, cradling his heart ever so gently in those careful fingers.
No one had ever told Kaji he wasn't a monster.
No one had ever made him feel like more than a weapon.
He couldn't take it. It was too soft. Too kind. Too much.
The koto strings holding him together snapped. Kaji's legs started shaking and a second later he crumbled to his knees, choking back the sob crawling up his throat. Kusumi followed, gliding far more gently towards the ground than the other boy, but no less downwards.
"I…hurt…so many people for him…" Kaji whispered, voice warbling around the emotions building in his chest, "Just so he wouldn't hurt me…"
Kusumi's lips twisted slightly, understanding dawning on him as the full extent of the issue became dreadfully clear. Kaji blinked, and this time the tears escaped from his eyes, finally overflowing outside his control.
"It was—it was never enough…I was never…" His voice cracked once more and Kaji trailed off, feeling himself begin to rock ever so slightly in place. He couldn't find the strength to start again, and finally the emotions broke free, a tsunami sweeping out of him. The sobs stayed soft, buried deep within his chest, but still loud enough for the two of them to hear.
Kusumi's hands drifted down from Kaji's face, switching to join his arms in wrapping around the blonde, pulling him forward and into a tight embrace. He rested one hand on the back of Kaji's head, pressing him close as Kusumi leaned against Kaji in exchange. Kaji, despite every instinct that had ever told him to do the opposite, felt his arms thread under Kusumi's, clutching his hands desperately into the boy's sweater like he might disappear any second.
For once, Kaji wasted no thoughts on how anxious he felt in someone else's hold, of how sacrilegious it was to be this close to — if not hold and be held by — Kusumi Isao's only son. Of how he didn't deserve anything this gentle.
All he thought of was how he couldn't stop crying, but also how it felt so wonderful to let it out after all this time. Of how the other boy's touch was so warm, of how it made him feel safe in a way only one other person ever had.
Of how he never wanted to let go.
"It's…okay, Kaji…" Kusumi whispered into his ear. "I think…"
Kaji felt the boy's Adam's apple shift against his shoulder as he swallowed.
"You're enough."
Kaji tried to snort through his sobs, finding some small bit of humor somehow. Even as he knew that Kusumi meant every word — he wouldn't waste the effort of speaking if he didn't. Even as he knew that each syllable ripped open painful wounds, all while simultaneously applying a healing balm that Kaji didn't know he'd needed.
He sniffled, chest shaking as he tried to find a pause in his crying. Slowly, he released his relentless grip on the boy but didn't pull away quite yet. Kusumi didn't rush him either.
"Thank you," Kaji managed, trying to clear his throat, "You're not supposed to see me like this…"
Kusumi chuckled against him, but didn't say anything else, simply holding Kaji in his arms, fingers running through the back of his hair. Kaji sighed, reluctantly pulling away and leaning back against the wall.
"We should go home and come back tomorrow. Is that okay?"
He probably looked an absolute mess. And they had wasted so much time, the crowds would start picking up sooner rather than later at this point. Not to mention that the emotional shake up would likely ruin the entire experience for both of them — not that Kaji really cared as long as Kusumi was happy. But Kusumi smiled gently and nodded.
That's okay. I want you to get a chance to smile with me in the garden.
Kaji felt his heart skip a beat at Kusumi's message and he cleared his throat again, looking away as his face burned red.
"Oh…okay. Sure."
He sniffled one last time, brushing his hands over his face before slowly standing to his feet, offering Kusumi his hand to lift him upright. He relished privately to himself in the soft fingers against his callused skin once more before letting go. But Kusumi stared at him with a look that Kaji could only describe as knowing. That mild, unexplainable feeling of intoxication bloomed in his chest again.
Kaji didn't think before he reached out with one hand, grazing his own fingers against Kusumi's cheek now. It was far softer than Kaji's, even the unscarred side, smooth, with the faintest divot in the center.
"You're really amazing, you know that?"
Kusumi's eyes widened a fraction and Kaji just barely noted the boy's features reddening too. He smiled slightly, more to himself than anything else, before pulling away.
"Alright, we should get out of here before someone needs the restroom," he said, turning away before he thought too much more about anything.
They left the bathroom together, turning back the direction they had come from. The sun was drifting idly above them in the sky, warming the skin on Kaji's arms. It was still a nice day, he supposed.
He pretended that he wasn't happy when Kusumi took his hand again, interlacing their fingers together as he pulled his bodyguard to the other side of the walkway to look at something interesting off the sidewalk. Kaji pretended to be reluctant to be dragged away, but his lips pulled at the edges, living to see Kusumi's features warm and bright as they were right now.
He wanted nothing more than to save that smile in his mind forever.