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One thing Issa never planned to be was somebody’s step-mama. Sometimes though, life and love will figure out a way to humble your ass. Issa knew that, too well. She’s married to a nigga that left her for years and now she spends her time playing step-mama to a rebound baby.
Of course she would never say any of this out loud. Choices were made and Issa is content with hers. She got her man. That's exactly what she wanted, Lawrence. Even if now it means he comes with a baby, and it's mama.
Partly Issa blames herself. She started the downfall by cheating. No excuses, but she was miserable. Not just that, how do you tell the man you love with all your heart; you really ain’t on shit right now and you need to do something productive before I lose my fucking mind supporting us both? How do you lovingly and without emasculating him say; My pussy stays dry because everyday I come home to see you on the couch eating snacks.
You don’t. You grin and you bear it, that's exactly what Issa did.
Until Daniel’s ass. Fine as fuck with that beard, and that ambition and that history they shared. Issa’s cat purred. She did not mean to cheat on Lawrence. It truly did just happen.
Lawrence left Issa after that and through the years apart he met Condola. They weren’t even a couple when Lawrence found out he would be a dad. He did the right thing though. The thing that makes Issa love him more; he tried to work it out, for the baby. Burberry shirt and all. By the time the baby was born, he and baby mama only spoke over text. So, that's how Lawrence found out his sons birthday.
Issa firmly believes that before getting pregnant you should know too much about the other person. Like Tiffany and Derek. They might actually live in each other's skin. That’s when you should have a baby though, when you just can't get enough of the other person so your heart wants a duplicate.
That can't happen when you’re the step-mama. The replica isn’t of you, it's a reminder of the time you missed. Or at least it was for Issa.
She loves Elijah, with everything in her. Even if Issa once imagined jump shooting the baby into a trash can. She didn't have those feelings anymore. Her and Elijah were very close now. Issa would lay her life down if need be. Thankfully that’s not the case though.
Condola and Issa's relationship worked ok. They were cordial, they spoke to one another kindly in public, and privately almost never. Unless it was about Elijah. They'd texted before about schedules, appointments, school pick-ups. That's it though. No pleasantries, no well wishes, no holiday hellos.
Even considering the fact that they have this nigga in common, all was well. That will usually make a bitch hate another bitch before they even meet. Off rip. Not these two. They were both professional and running their own businesses. There was no time to hate a bitch over a man.
Sure, Issa was married to her baby daddy, but they had no good reason not to get along. Right?
So when Issa finds a camera hidden in Elijah's room, the last person she expects is Condola.
“Lawrence what the fuck is this?”
Issa’s voice is higher than usual. Concern layers her words. She had walked to the bathroom in the hall where Lawrence was shaving, holding up a stuffed animal.
“A toy.” Lawrence glances quickly and shrugs in dismissal.
“No. Look at it.”
The toy hits his shoulder and falls to the floor.
“Damn Issa, that hurt.”
“Exactly nigga, should a stuffed animal be painful?”
“Wait, what the fuck?” Lawrence grabs the bear and turns it in his hands. Squeezing its body.
“Right! What the fuck is that? It feels hard and the eye looks like a fucking camera.”
As Lawrence feels the bear he looks genuinely confused. Issa’s first mind told her that Lawrence bought a camera to spy on her after her and Condola's little spat. The look on his face says otherwise as he examines the bear.
A few weeks ago, Issa made a promise to spoil Elijah. As soon as she spoke, Condola cut her eyes at Issa like she threatened to throw him into traffic. They'd share short hushed words about ‘What a parent would appreciate.’ and ‘Taking everything too seriously, no one can even be colloquial.’
It ended fine, or Issa thought. No one was hurt except maybe her feelings; she always felt like the third wheel with Lawrence and Condola at the parental helm. She didn't get to make choices, or mistakes. She had to be perfect. Plus, there are rules, spoken and unspoken when you care for other people’s children.
Now Lawrence is silent. The look on his face tells issa she’s right, Condola did this shit. She’s ready to drive to Condola’s house and slap the shit out of her in front of her neighbors. Who the fuck does this bitch think she is? A Camera?!
“I always knew that bitch was weird as fuck. I been told you that." Issa says, this close to taking her anger out on Lawrence anyways.
“Wait, the fuck you mean, I know you not saying Condola did this shit?”
“Yes, absolutely. That’s what the fuck I’m saying. The bitch is hella weird. She’s an alien. Out of place. I don’t even know why you fucked with her.”
“Hold the fuck up..”
“No, I'm not holding shit up. This shit is literally fuckin crazy, and you know it. Don’t try to make it like I’m doing too much. Where the fuck does this bitch get off recording me in MY house?”
“You don't know that it’s her.”
His volume tells Issa he doesn’t believe his own words.
“So, if not her then who was it Mr. Defend-My-Babymama? It was you then? Or you gonna blame the 9 year old?”
Issa watches as Lawrence’s face finally lands on acceptance. Lawrence swore when they were married that Condola wouldn't be an issue for them and up until now, he had been able to keep that promise.
"What is she trying to say? I'm fucking her kid up? What the fuck is this Lawrence?" Issa is on the verge of tears now. Years of feeling like the last on the list is finally rising to eye level and releasing. A mix of anger, rejection and self pity hunches her shoulders.
"I know Issa, I'm sorry. I can't believe she would do this." Lawrence pleads.
That is all Lawrence manages to say before Issa is crying and backing out of the bathroom. Lawrence follows her to the kitchen where she has taken the animal to the cutting board.
"You think she's looking at me right now?"
Issa's assumed a crazed look on her face. Looking Lawrence directly in the eyes, Issa pulls a knife from the stand and stabs the toy in the bowtie. She drags the knife slowly down the front until she hits resistance. She puts the knife down to pick it up and rip it in half. A small black cube catches their attention with a clank on the floor.
Issa throws the remains of the toy and bends to pick up the box. She looks at Lawrence's mute ass with enough resentment for Beyoncé to hop out the cabinet belting the damn song.
Before Lawrence can protest, Issa is marching out the front door to the car. Lawrence follows silently behind. The car ride is completely silent. The radio played when the car started and Issa hit the off switch quick enough to break it.
“Kendrick, now is not a good time.” Issa says in frustration as her favorite song is lulled.
They pull into the driveway at Condola’s house behind her car. Lawrence is looking at Issa like he wants to say something but can’t remember how to talk. They exit the car, walk to the front door and Lawrence speaks his first words in almost half an hour.
“Can you let me talk first? If it goes left I’ll let you take it,” he asks.
“Oh, so you speak now?” she answers.
Issa rolls her eyes and hits the police knock on the door, she looks back at Lawrence begging him to say something about it. When Condola opens the door, Issa speaks with a bright and seemingly joyful smile.
“Hi Condola! What the fuck is this?”
She holds up the black box she'd ridden on her lap from the house.
Condola does not look confused. The bitch is caught. Her eyes bulge momentarily and she looks to Lawrence for help. He looks to Issa and Issa repeats herself, pausing between words.
“What. The fuck. Is this?”
“Do you guys want to come in?”
Condola hesitantly offers but Issa knows it's only because Condola doesn't want her neighbors seeing Issa act a fool on her porch. As Issa has planned to do if necessary. Lawrence was still on mute so Issa had to keep enough energy for them both.
“No, we won't be long. I'd just like for you to tell me why in the hell there is a camera in my fucking house.”
Issa is still smiling, but it's a threat now. Lawrence’s tongue finally remembers its job. He speaks with the authority needed to remind Issa he has her back.
“Condola, what the fuck really? We need an explanation. Why is there a camera in EJ’s room? If there was an issue you should have come to me about it. Sneaking a camera in our house is the best way to start a fucking problem.”
Issa looks from Lawrence to Condola. She hated the way they looked at each other. Everybody knows the truth about baby moms and daddies. An agreement made voicelessly, to throw others off the trail of the truth; they still be fucking. Or they would if they could.
“I should slap the shit out this bitch.” Issa says this threat through her smile. Making it clear these are predator's teeth.
“That’s why.” Coldola answers. “Yup, ‘unpredictable, potentially violent’, that's the same thing I told the counselor."
“Condola what the fuck?” Lawrence’s voice finally figured out where the bass lives. “We’ve always been good. Whose counselor, what the fuck are you on?"
“Yes, I gave the camera to Elijah to put in his room.” Condola says with complete disregard for the anger at her doorstep. “He always comes back from your house with the craziest stories about gang bangers and whatever else you get him into. After he told me about you guys slap-boxing. I decided I needed to see what was going on around my son. Obviously I had good reason to do so.”
“Your son?” Lawrence asks, finally matching Issa's outrage level. “Here you go with that shit again! He’s our son, OUR!” Lawrence points between himself and Condola.
“So, you put a camera in my house because we have fun? Jealous hoe! You mad a nigga ain’t never play-fight with you?” Issa says, with all of the bitch are you serious? Energy she can muster.
Issa looks to Lawrence.
“Slap her.”
“Issa, what the fuck?” Lawrence says he raises both arms out by his sides in defeat. Confusion and disbelief coat his words.
Issa knows she’s being ridiculous now but she can’t help her anger.
“This bitch jealous of slap-boxing. She ain't never been in a fight, apparently. She mad she never got to fake hurt when a nigga winning.” Purposefully speaking as loud as she can without a yell, Issa continues. “Weirdo ass bitch.”
“Condola, for real? That don't even sound like something you need to be concerned about.” Lawrence asks.
Dumbass stuck-up bitch probably recorded me and Lawrence fucking. Single Black Ass Female. These are Issa’s thoughts right before…
Thwack!
Issa reaches back quickly and without warning and slaps Condola's left cheek. Hard as hell. Mostly for the camera, partly because; don't look at my man like that. She quickly reminds herself this is not about Lawrence and to never fight over a man. This bitch deserved it though.
Condola cradles her cheek in surprise. She takes a step back into the house. Still she's way too calm for a bitch that just got slapped. Lawrence looks back and forth between the two women. Looking only at Lawrence, Condola speaks.
“I don’t think it’s weird to protect my son.” Condola slowly takes her hand from her cheek.
Lawrence has his own reasoning,
“He is my son too. What part of that don’t you understand? He’s not just with Issa, I’m with him,” he says.
“And you teach him that hitting women is okay,” she accuses.
“Ho, is you cool?! What the fuck that does that mean?” Issa jumps in to defend her man. She has to, nine times out of ten she initiates the squabble. It's hella fun.
“I mean, I’m fine, you did just slap me. You’re lucky I don’t call the police.”
This threat Issa knows Condola will follow through on.
“Condola, this is fucked up. You put a camera in our house! Issa has the right to be pissed. We should be calling the police on your ass.”
“Actually, I did not put it there. Technically, Elijah did.”
Issa’s chest rises and falls, loudly, her hands in fists at her sides. She considers what she just heard. This strange ho is willing to put her son out like this, to get under another woman's skin. Where the fuck they do that shit at? This nutty ho Condola may have more issues than one bitch slap can fix.
“You know what, let leave or ima really kill this bitch. You need a fucking hobby.” Issa points to Condola, “And mind your fucking business.”
Issa’s turns to walk away, as she does she hears Lawrence tell Condola their plans.
“We’ll be back in the morning to pick up Elijah. And you better be ready to apologize.”
“Apology? After your wife just put her hands on me,” Condola pushes back
Issa, still in earshot, yells over her shoulder,
“Count your blessings bitch! I could've done worse.”
Without response, Lawrence pivots and follows Issa to the car. When they get in he turns to look her in the eyes.
“Issa, I'm really sorry babe, this was fucked up.” Lawrence huffs a smile and takes Issa’s hand over the gearshift. “That’s crazy that you really hit her though. All that slap-boxing paying off huh?”
Issa looks to Lawrence with a smile he should be familiar with.
“Lawrence, I will kill that bitch, a slap is nothing. You ever visit prison? We're married so you'd get conjugal.”
Issa says, nodding like she's dead serious. She starts the car and turns the radio back on. Lawrence shakes his head and smiles when she says,
“Ooh, Kendrick is playing again.”