Work Text:
Nicholas would like to say if he could go back to warn himself, he would.
It would be pointless though, he couldn’t pinpoint where in the past to warn himself and honestly he’s not sure it would’ve changed anything. No warning would’ve stopped him from falling for Euijoo, even if it did, the stars would have still always written their lives intertwined. There was no battle to fight when Nicholas’s life was decided before he even knew what it was about.
Euijoo was his fate; his beginning, his current, and his future.
Life started with the breath he took while introducing himself to Byun Euijoo.
He hopes his life, whenever it may end, will still be at the side of Byun Euijoo.
He’d like to pass it off as obsession, craze over the boy of his dreams. Nothing more, just a crush… it would be nice to end it at that. But Nicholas always believed in fate, a greater being had a plan for everyone.
His plan revolved around Byun Euijoo. His Euijoo, his Juju.
It was only times like these where he wishes maybe he could go back. Do it all over, say all the right words, get clear answers instead of blurred lines he’s still trying to follow. Loving Euijoo was like reading a new game’s rule book that’s in a language you’ve never even heard of. Playing against the world’s strictest and best player.
There was no winning, not for Nicholas.
Not against Euijoo.
The moment they first met eyes Nicholas knew his life wouldn’t be the same again. Not with the presence of someone like Euijoo in it. Back when Nicholas was insecure and scared. Before they debuted or even had a path to follow. When everything was unknown and unstable. Euijoo was bright, confident and optimistic. Someone to admire like art in a museum you weren’t allowed to touch.
If Nicholas was less selfish, he would wish he never made that mistake of touch. But he’s not, and he can’t even convince himself it was a mistake to begin with.
Back in iland, where stress was high and everyone spoke a language Nicholas was only first learning. Euijoo still smiled at him, despite his “mean face” and “cold demeanor”. Even if they never spoke, Euijoo looked his way. Euijoo looked his way and didn’t immediately look away like he misstepped when their eyes met.
But still, they didn’t speak, not for lack of trying… Nicholas tried all the time. But it wasn’t right, words he didn’t know how to pronounce, stress too high for casual conversation. It wasn’t their time, and it would’ve hurt Nicholas to acknowledge that if he didn’t always believe he’d find another chance.
Dumb childish confidence, that tomorrow would bring another chance. If he stumbled over his korean then tomorrow Euijoo would be there still to try again.
Then they were eliminated.
Failures of Iland, not cut out for the dreams they were chasing.
Nicholas would return to Taiwan and never see Euijoo again. He’d become a boy of Nicholas’s memories and dreams. Their only ‘conversations’ being passing words and silent pleas for Euijoo to become something constant.
He didn’t want to let go of his dream. Nicholas couldn’t return now not after fighting so hard to be here, but it was over what more was there to do? Go back and pack the bag he was hardly even allowed to bring in, if he’s lucky he’ll catch the other contestants and say goodbye, then slip out of iland and Byun Euijoo’s life forever.
But that didn’t feel right… He worked so hard to get here and now it was over? He still had tomorrow, as long as there was tomorrow there was a dream to still be had. So he had to have hope, faith in himself at least? He should’ve, but he wasn’t optimistic. That wasn’t his thing, someone else was always in the room to flood his mind with the optimism he couldn’t produce himself.
Someone like Euijoo.
Where would he go after this? Would he still try to be an idol, would he make it in an industry bound to tear you down?
Probably. If anyone in iland could stand up to the cruelty of the entertainment industry it would be; Koga Yudai who despite being the oldest is still trying, and Byun Euijoo who’s probably never lost anything in life because he’s so serious about winning that he’d rewrite fate to fall in his favor.
Nicholas didn’t live like that, he’s sure if his dreams suddenly changed at K’s age he’d just automatically let them go. Life would’ve been too set to start again so qsuddenly. And Euijoo’s case? Well, Nicholas would never be brave enough to challenge fate. If this is where it ended, shoving his 3 rotation shirts back into his bag not bothering to fold them, then that’s just where it ended.
“They’re going to wrinkle, like that.. you know..”
He’d never heard a voice like that, not from anyone who should be in here at least. Weak and shaken, maybe someone young like Taki or Ni-ki could sound that way but they were still competing. So when he snapped his head around enough to give himself whiplash he really wasn’t expecting this.
Expecting to see bright and brave Byun Euijoo teary eyed and pointing at his bag with shaky hands.
“your clothes.. they’re gonna get all wrinkled..”
Who cares? Who cares about any of that? Hell, especially now! The first time Euijoo spoke to him and it’s about his lack of folding? Really? After all he tried to say before.. this is going to be his only memory with Euijoo?
“who cares. we’re going home anyway.. if it bugs you so bad I swear to iron them back in Taiwan”
This wasn’t how all the nights Nicholas sat up thinking about finally speaking to Euijoo went.
“Taiwan? You can’t leave now.. Didn’t we come this far…”
He really couldn’t bring himself to look back up from his bag now. Head fallen almost in shame down to his wrinkled clothes. Euijoo’s voice was only growing shakier and honestly Nicholas feared crying himself. He didn’t know how to comfort someone, much less someone who’s supposed to have it together more than him.
“Did it mean nothing… our efforts, yours…?”
His?
“I saw you trying, to talk… to all of us, to me.“
And he never thought to help? To spare Nicholas the shame of stumbling Korean pronunciation to a native speaker?
“I never wanted to correct you. You seemed the type it would hurt your pride so I waited, we’d always have tomorrow… Don’t we still have tomorrow?”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Maybe that’s when he would’ve warned himself. But it was pointless, that conversation solidified his fate. The fate that Nicholas as long as he had tomorrow he would make sure tomorrow had Euijoo.
The rest of that conversation wasn’t important… and honestly a bit embarrassing. Nicholas tries not to cry but he was young and emotional and maybe started ugly sobbing. Nothing Euijoo hasn’t seen more than once now but it’s humiliating to remember.
Euijoo always swears it isn’t, that he’s happy Nicholas can share his emotions with him.
It’s ironic.
If only Euijoo knew just how many emotions Nicholas has been hiding since they met. Ones that didn’t have names until they debuted. Once Fuma’s name was called and it really clicked that they were debuting. When they walked off stage and Nicholas started crying for the third time in front of Euijoo.
That bubbling feeling that always rested behind Nicholas ribcage finally had a name.
He always assumed it was a crush, it was obvious Euijoo was beautiful. From the day Nicholas met him until now sitting inside their dorms, Nicholas would always find Euijoo the most beautiful man alive.
His hair is red now, a color Nicholas is fond of especially as it fades towards pink. He’s inside their Japan dorms alone currently. Nicholas is hiding outside after they fought again.
That’s been happening a lot lately.
Their korean debut wasn’t long ago. Euijoo finally got to debut in his home country. As the leader of his own group too, something that seemed to make Nicholas more emotional than Euijoo himself.
It had them busy, schedules packed more than before and changes being made to their daily lives without any warning. It was stressful but when was idol life not? Everyone was tense for a while but they all fell back into normality quick.
Everyone but Nicholas and Euijoo of course. Why would it ever be simple for them?
It got harder, to keep his emotions under wraps. So of course he blames himself. When you’re not allowed to sleep and you have more schedules than you do meals a day it makes it hard not to let things slip between the cracks. The walls he built so high, not for him but for Euijoo.
Euijoo deserved peace, a calm debut and an easy idol life. Or at least as easy as Nicholas could make it. So he wouldn’t bear Euijoo the burden of his own feelings. He wasn’t supposed to let eye contact last as long as it was recently. He wasn’t supposed to let Euijoo sleep on his shoulder.
Oh.
And he was under no circumstance supposed to kiss Euijoo because they were arguing.
Right, yeah that’s why he was currently hiding outside. Because Nicholas Wang made maybe the worst but best mistake of his entire life.
Kissing Byun Euijoo for the first and last time.
It wasn’t meant to happen like this! In Nicholas’s dreams it definitely didn’t happen like this and in his reality was never supposed to happen at all!
But it did, it did because they were fighting. They were fighting again, because Euijoo wanted clear answers Nicholas couldn’t give him.
He’d pulled back, like he always does. He notices he’s gotten too close and he distances himself from Euijoo. And Euijoo notices, he always does, and he hates it. So they fight. Euijoo ask what’s wrong why Nicholas is avoiding him and Nicholas beats around the bush. He’s tired, not a lie he is, he doesn’t feel good, also typically not a lie, but never the truth.
Never a confession. Never that being around Euijoo puts so many butterflies in Nicholas’s stomach that he gets scared to preform together and he’s never had stage fright. Never that when they’re alone Nicholas leans into his space unwillingly because Euijoo’s like a magnet and he’s not sure how to fight it.
Never that’s he’s been in love with him for years and he knows it’s not fair for Euijoo to find that out.
He supposes he’s fucked up and it’s definitely too late for that now though.
He was just tired, tired of fighting, tired in general, maybe tired of hiding. and Euijoo wouldn’t let it go. He just kept pushing, this was the longest Nicholas had been so cold to him. Something about it wasn’t fair this is when Euijoo needed him most.
Nicholas isn’t sure what exact words were said because when tears began to show in Euijoo’s eyes he blacked out. It was like I-land again and he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t watch Euijoo look so defeated and beg for tomorrow to be different again.
So he kissed him. He shut him up in the one way his sleep hazed mind had been begging to do since that last day in I-land.
And then he panicked, as he does. He ran off and now he’s outside. He’s lucky it isn’t cold anymore because he didn’t bother to get a jacket, or shoes, or even his phone…
He just booked it like a coward. and now he’s walking the block for the second time. He’s not sure he can go back but maybe if he stays out long enough Euijoo will fall asleep. It wasn’t like he could turn to anyone, they were the only ones in the japan dorms tonight.
So he was stuck outside. Looking disheveled in his sleep clothes hoping no fan recognizes him because the last thing he needs is a headline about being kicked to the curb.
He should just go home, his feet kinda ache and it’s surely been long enough for Euijoo to be at least in his room with the door shut right? It’s not like he would wait up, plus he probably hates-
“Nichol?”
Fuck. Okay back peddling, Nicholas can’t go home and actually has to get out of the entire country. Maybe flee back to Taiwan tell his poor mother idol life sucked and never face any of &TEAM again surely not Euijoo!
“Nichol did you really not at least put shoes on..?”
That would be what Euijoo cares about now huh? Not that Nicholas just ruined everything for them and the group. No, that Nicholas might catch a cold from walking around in socks outside.
“You know you’ll get sick like that…”
Yeah exactly. Leader Juju can’t even focus on himself when something this bad happens of course.
“Yeah I know Euijoo. You can stop that, it’s fine I’ll be fine I’m an adult you know?”
Negative one point to Nicholas, bad Nico too defensive Nico.
“I know. I’m not babying you I’m allowed to worry for you, it’s my job.”
Of course, It’s always about being the leader. Euijoo is the group leader before anything else. Nicholas knows that all too well, way more personally than anyone else on the team does.
“As your friend Nichol. It’s my job as your best friend to worry about you.”
Oh.
“Shouldn’t it be your job as my best friend to tell me what’s bothering you… Shouldn’t.. I don’t know Nichol. Shouldn’t it be your job to tell me… How long?”
He’s not dumb. He knows what Euijoo’s talking about. What he’s asking, but he really doesn’t want to face it.
“How long Yixiang? How long have you liked me and you didn’t tell me?”
Fuck, he must’ve been making a stupid face.
“You won’t like my answer Juju…”
They were still outside, about a 10 minute walk from the dorm if Nicholas had to guess. He really didn’t want to have this conversation at all but especially not here.
“I don’t like any of this Yixiang!“
Nicholas knew he fucked up, He already knew that. He knew it was a mistake to let this happen, he knew it was wrong to love Euijoo. But he didn’t know it was so wrong to be loved by him that it would make Euijoo cry. Full tears down his face, hands shaking like they did when they were eliminated all those years ago.
“Euijoo I’m sorry I didn’t mean-“
“No! Don’t you dare say you didn’t mean it. You don’t get to say that. Do you know how hard it was for me? Nichol this isn’t fair…”
He knew it wasn’t fair, that’s why it wasn’t supposed to happen. He knew Euijoo didn’t deserve to deal with his mess of emotions. He knew there was no way Euijoo would ever like him back and that’s why he couldn’t ever let Euijoo know he loved him.
“You don’t understand how long I spent trying to force myself to be your friend.”
Oh. Yeah Nicholas knew he fucked up but that was kinda harsh…
“I spent.. So long Yixiang. Forcing myself to be just your friend. Convincing myself this feeling would pass so you wouldn’t have to carry it.”
Just? Nicholas’s friend?
“I couldn’t take it, Trying to soak in all the time I got with you without being greedy… Without making it about my selfish feelings.. When you’d pull away and it felt unfair to ask you to be closer. Just for me to finally break and you to kiss me? It’s not fair Yixiang! It’s not!”
He was choking crying now, Nicholas had never seen Euijoo this worked up about something. He couldn’t help but be aware of how they were still outside. He was lucky it was late and nobody seemed to be out around their dorms. Or maybe he was unlucky it’s late because he was exhausted and processing everything Euijoo was saying felt impossible.
“It’s not… I let go of us when I decided we would debut… and now you’re telling me I never had to?”
What?
“What are you saying Euijoo?”
This didn’t make any sense. None of it did. Nicholas couldn’t keep up, not with his own feelings, not with this, not with Euijoo. He moved too fast, he was always too fast for Nicholas to catch.
He’d accepted that. That Euijoo would always move to fast to catch.
That Euijoo deserved to be that free.
“I told you, when we left I-land, we’d get another chance… and when we got the call for &Audition. I told myself I’d get over it. Over you. We would debut I’d make sure of it, we’d belong here… and… I wouldn’t hold you back. When you cried because we got another chance to make it.. I told myself I’d never risk you your dream Yixiang.”
Right.
That was the second time Nicholas cried in front of Euijoo. They had been together when they got the call they’d be guaranteed members in an upcoming group. Nicholas had cried because he was giving up on being an idol. It was all too much and he confessed more to Euijoo than he ever meant to. How scared he’d been and how he didn’t believe in making it this far.
He never realized Euijoo held that pressure til today.
Honestly he tried to forget any of that even went down.
“Jju. What are you saying though.”
He couldn’t misunderstand this. Really, he couldn’t afford to take this the wrong way and fuck everything up for good.
“I swore I wouldn’t let my feelings for you ruin your chances Nichol. I knew, back then. How you felt. I knew, it was hard not to, but I wasn’t sure if I could like guys… I knew if I told you how I thought about you when we were apart that you’d give up. You’d have picked me over a career that would never accept us.”
Maybe he needed to hear it but it still hurt to know. That Euijoo could tell all along, and maybe he knew that Euijoo knew. But it was easier to believe he didn’t. That Nicholas was subtle and hard to read.
“So I pushed it down. I tried to get over it. To not linger around you more than friends would. To not notice things about you more than normal people cared to. and it worked, in a way… you grew distant and I figured you’d gotten over me… do you know how much it killed me to see something I wanted so badly right in front of me but I just wasn’t allowed to grab it…”
It’s getting later now, street lights are being turned off and yet Nicholas can’t care to drag them both home.
How was he meant to care when every lie he built for himself was being torn apart now.
Lies like, every time he swore the things Euijoo did for him Euijoo just did for everyone. That the way they looked at eachother enough to be told by staff they weren’t allowed to go live together anymore because of rumors meant nothing. Lies he had to hold onto to keep himself from doing something dumb.
Something like telling Euijoo that he loved him.
“I never stopped loving you Juju.”
Yeah something just like that.
“Sometimes I wish I was able to hate you Yixiang.”
Euijoo was an awful liar, that was something Nicholas always loved about him. That he always laughed when he lied and it was too obvious.
Euijoo is beautiful when he laughs even more so while he’s crying.
“I’m glad I got to debut with you Byun Euijoo.”
Maybe it’s not the best thing to say now but it’s not a lie.
“I know you are, you love your job.”
“I love my job because you’re there. You and the rest of the members are why I’m an idol Juju. You would’ve never made me choose between those two things. I would’ve always become an idol by your side.”
He really believes that’s true. That fate would’ve always brought him to Euijoo. The same fate that brought him to the other 7 members. It was destined for them to be on stage together. The exact same way it was destined for him to love Euijoo.
“I think I always knew that. I know it now, maybe I just believed it was too good to be true. To have you and my dream at once.”
“You worked hard to have your dream, you never had to work to have me.”
“Do I have you, Yixiang?”
“Always, Juju.”