Chapter Text
"James!"
Her voice was loud, almost echoing throughout the house.
"Pray with us."
He clasped his hands together and brought his head down. Dear God, I wish for a better life, he whispered under his breath, through he knew after many times of praying for this that his words fell on an ignorant god.
He sat up and started eating his food, feeling the judgmental looks of his parents on him.
Each bite was cold and bitter, a reflection of the love his mother put into cooking it. He would never be good enough, not when he has to hold up to God's standards.
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The next day in early morning, James left without saying anything. He had hope for each day, and today might just be the one where his prayers got answered.
When the bell rang, he assumed it was just going to be another day about math and how it conforms to god, but something different happened.
"Good morning, class. I hope you had a holy weekend! We'll be welcoming a new student today." Mrs. Applebottom's voice was too cheery for a Monday morning. But it always was. She was always happy to deliver the Lord's words.
James's attention was drifting, his focus on the new kid slipped and he fixated on the wall. It was neat. An off white that was slightly blue.
It was just something to pass the time along–but his focus broke when someone sat beside him and blocked his view of the wall. He was slightly annoyed, but then he realized this was the new boy.
The boy beside him was slightly pudgy, with black hair that was shoulder length, and a stubble that started to show. His face was quite cute. His eyes looked the same as his, hazel. His nose was thicker and rounder than his. And his lips... They weren't anything special, but James could just imagine himself-
"Man, why are you staring? You good?" His voice snapped James back into reality, and he came to the realization that he had been drooling and just...looking at him.
James looked towards the teacher and wiped the spit off his lips. "Uhhh sorry, bruh"
The rest of the class felt fast as James occasionally stole looks of the boy beside him. He couldn't stop thinking about him, it was weird. Even in the halls, he would try to search for him specifically. He didn't even know his name, yet he felt so odd about him.
But it's sinful, he reminded himself. He shouldn't think this way about a boy, hes supposed to be with girls! Men love women and women love men, nothing else. A man loving a man is an atrocity to humanity, it just can't be.
So James forced himself to forget about this boy. He couldn't be with this boy. Even just as friends, he shouldn't be with him. His tummy felt funny, and his cheeks heated up because of him, but he just can't.
The dismissal bell rang through James's ears, startling him badly. How is it already dismissal?, he thought to himself. Usually the days were long and boring, but because he was thinking of this boy it had went by fast.
He started walking through the halls, going outside the school and heading onto his bus. He sat in his usual seat, all by himself. He watched through the window, looking at all of his classmates going to their buses.
It was boring, as always, but then he saw that boy. That stupid boy. He was just gonna forget about that boy, but he couldn't, as the only seat that was available was right next to James.
He made a little grunt as he squeezed in next to James, not even noticing that it was the weird kid who was staring at him earlier. He dropped his bag in between his legs and unzipped it, a quite confusing act to James. Why would he need to open his bag on the bus? School is over.
The boy pulled out a book, but not a book you read, a blank book. The first few pages had graphite on them, but James couldn't make anything out. The boy flipped to an unoccupied page and started drawing. His art style was unconventional, James could tell very quickly that this boy was going to be an outcast like him just based off this. He knew he should've looked away from this boy, but his eyes fixated on his hand as the pencil in it left lines on the paper.
The boy noticed him staring, yet again, and looked over at him.
"Hey."
James's eyes flickered from the window, to the boy, to the page, and then back to the boy. He was starting to sweat, should he stay silent?? Talk?? The boy was clearly getting confused and impatient–JAMES NEEDED TO ACT NOW!!!
"Hi."
The boy smiled, it seemed like he didn't hold a grudge from earlier.
"My name is Steve, whats yours?"
James gulped. Did he really want to tell this boy his name? This strange strange boy, who made him feel strange strange things..
"I'm James."
"Nice to meet ya."
Steve looked back towards his paper, a half drawn portrait waiting for him to finish.
"Do you like my drawing so far?"
James looked at the page, then to Steve, then to the page, then to Steve...
"Yea."
He mumbled, he was scared of messing up. Messing what up? James, you shouldn't even be talking to him! You know it's sinful.
Steve flipped to a previous page, it contained a finished drawing of a weird little alien character.
"His name is Kylar."
James ran his finger over the drawing, noticing all the design choices that had been made.
"Nice."
James just watched Steve draw for the rest of the ride, the warm, fuzzy feeling in his tummy growing hotter. He cursed himself in his head, knowing he would need to be washed of his sin eventually.
By the time James arrived at his stop, Steve had already been gone. It was quite quiet without him, but he was used to it.
He walked to his house, silently counting each footstep he made on the sidewalk to make it slightly less boring. Home was painfully boring. He would rather stay at school. Especially if that meant he could see–never mind. He needed to stop indulging in his sin.
"James, how was school?" His mother called from the kitchen. She is making dinner, but James doubted that he would be able to stomach it.
"It was ok." He went up to his room, locking the door behind him.
He laid back on his bed and sighed. That boy.. Steve.. Why did he have to feel this way? It's wrong, isn't it?
He started taking off his clothes. It was wrong to think about another boy this way. It unnatural.
He stripped himself to his boxers, and looked down at his hard on. Fuck. Isn't it a sin to masturbate too? He was such a dirty sinner...but he couldn't help himself.
He rubbed himself through his underwear, fantasizing about Steve as he did so. He was relatively silent, but he occasionally whimpered and moaned out Steve's name.
His fingers felt so good rubbing his tip that he forgot it was wrong. As he got closer to cumming he imagined that Steve was jacking him off, and it made him bust instantly.
"fahh" he whined. he didn't want his parents to know he had been sinning when the laundry had to be done. he quickly thought of an idea, and hid his soiled boxers in the back of his dresser. he grabbed a new set of comfy clothes and dressed himself up.
He walked to the dining room, acting like nothing happened. He sat at the table with his family, sweating, they could probably tell he was just dripping with sin.
"James.."
His mother started, not bothering to look up from her plate.
oh no. was he in trouble?
"How was school?"
He sighed, relieved she didn't know of his awful sins.
"It was ok. Just the same as always."
James picked up his spoon and brought it up to his mouth before his father slammed his hand on the table. The soup splashed out and made a small splat on the table.
"James! How could you forget your prayer before eating?"
He looked down and sighed, clasping his hands together and thinking of a prayer in his head. God, he started, why must you do this to me? You tempt me with sin, how do I resist?
James brought his hands down and stared at the bowl in front of him. His family had started eating, but it felt wrong for him. He warily picked up his spoon and started slurping his spaghettios. It soaked into his tongue, and he liked the way the hot liquid warmed the inside of his mouth.
You don't deserve this, James. You're a dirty sinner.
He got up and left his half eaten spaghettios on the table. His family was confused, but they didn't care much.
James laid in his bed. The guilt was eating him alive. How could he like a boy? It's wrong. Unnatural. But it feels so right..
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