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When Gabe sees Ryan and Brendon huddled together in the cafeteria, whispering to each other in a disgustingly adorable way, he knows his time has come. As a certified card-carrying member of the Cock-Blocking Brigade, he’s been on red alert ever since Brendon and Ryan got together.
Sure, he was happy for them, but he also knew that his mission ultimately was prevent any of his friends from ever expressing their romantic intentions in public and/or excluding him because of said romantic intentions. And, since Ryland had recently left the brigade for some girl, it was up to him and Nate alone to stop any and all forms of PDA. But since Nate was mostly useless and thought Ryan and Brendon were the shit, it was really just up to him.
Gabe really was the hero Barrington High needed but not the one they deserved. Oh well. One day they’d appreciate him.
He forcefully his way in between Ryan and Brendon. “Certified card carrying member of the Cock-Blocking Brigade!”
Ryan rolls his eyes. “Gabe, you need to stop saying that like it’s an accomplishment.”
Brendon frowns. “Wait, we’re not even doing anything bad. Or like. Weird.”
Gabe shakes his head at Brendon. “Brendon, you think that sweet Mormon boy gig will work on me? You may have eyes of chocolate and a voice of gold but you can’t melt me! I’m the fucking captain of the Cock-Blocking Brigade! And I know you two were up to something!”
“I thought you were a card-carrying member,” Ryan says dryly. “When’d you get promoted?”
“Recently, actually,” Gabe tells him. “But also, I don’t appreciate that sass!”
Brendon looks from Ryan to Gabe with a thinly veiled terror in his eyes. He leans over a little too close to Gabe and whispers “Look, since you’re a captain of some weird brigade, I’m going to tell you this. It’s like -well, top secret, but -,”
Ryan interrupts, “Brendon! It’s not top secret and it’s not even - it’s literally not anything. It’s nothing.”
Brendon sticks his tongue out at Ryan. “Ryan Ross, you are a skeptic. I am a true believer. Also, I know more than you about this stuff.”
“What stuff?” Gabe asks, genuinely intrigued. Brendon really does know a lot about a lot of weird stuff.
“OK,” Brendon says quietly. “OK, so you know Bill Beckett, right?”
Ryan snorts. “Knows him? Gabe is in love with William.”
Gabe lightly hits Ryan. “I am not! I just - he’s our friend, kind of, and he’s cute.”
Brendon’s eyes widen even more than Gabe thought possible. His eyes remind Gabe of some kind of manga character. They literally take up half of his face.
Gabe is kind of thinking about all of them as manga characters (he’d totally be like the super cool action hero who everyone swoons over!) when Brendon says “vampire”.
“Wait, what?”
“A vampire,” Brendon says, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. “I mean, come on! He’s pale, we never see him in the sunlight, he seduces everyone - except me, Ryan, because I am faithful and I love you and you better feel the same way - and, well. Yeah. He fits all the characteristics.”
Ryan looks exasperated. “Vampires aren’t real, Brendon.”
“Not to you,” Brendon tells Ryan, with the air of someone who’s seen things and is just generally better. “You are a godless heathen. But, as my Jewish friend here knows, vampires are totally real.”
Gabe chews his lip thoughtfully. “It does explain why I feel so attracted to him.”
“Totally!” Brendon exclaims while Ryan groans.
“Gabe, you’re attracted to him because you think he’s hot. Not everything is because someone’s a vampire. And, no offense, but you both have a history of blaming everything on the supernatural. Like that werewolf -,”
“That kid,” Brendon interrupts, “Totally fucking looked like a werewolf though! He had so much hair!”
“Yeah,” Gabe agrees. “I mean, he had superhuman strength. He totally wrestled me to the ground! And I’m strong as fuck.”
“I’m surrounded by idiots,” Ryan says, burying his head in his arms.
Brendon crawls over Gabe - sometimes Brendon reminds him of a seven-year old who treats everyone like they’re a jungle gym from Chuck E. Cheese - and cuddles up next to Ryan. “You’re not just surrounded by idiots,” Brendon reminds him cheerfully. “You’re an idiot!”
“Hey,” Alex says, sliding across the table from them. “Gabe, I thought you were the Cock-Blocking Brigade. You’re totally failing, man.”
Gabe looks over to where Brendon and Ryan have apparently made up in .05 seconds and are already whispering to each other and giggling in a disgustingly adorable manner. He tries to squeeze between them again but Brendon clings to Ryan like his hands are made of super glue.
“It’s Nate’s turn,” he tells Alex, before Mike Carden claims a spot next to Alex and William gracefully glides next to Gabe.
“Hi,” William says, smiling at him in an adorable and distressingly charming manner.
“Hi,” Gabe says, smiling back and examining William a little more closely. William really is pale and unnaturally beautiful. Plus, his teeth are really sharp and he talks in a kind of elegant accent. His words are accentuated in a way that doesn’t seem normal for a teenage boy.
Because, Gabe realizes, William isn’t a teenage boy.
Oh, fuck.
The next day, Gabe gets to choir early. Like, really early. So early that the weird senior with the red hair is still sitting in the corner with his emo friends, strumming a guitar and talking about weird shit.
So early that the seat next to Brendon is empty.
(That makes it sound like Brendon is the most popular kid in school or something. He’s OK, but he’s no Gabe. He’s just a really fucking good singer and all the shy kids scramble up next to him so he drowns them out)
“Hey, Brendon,” Gabe says, flopping down next to him.
Brendon, who’s half asleep in his seat, looks up sharply. “Gabe,” he mumbles sleepily.
“The one and only,” Gabe quips. “Look, wake up, man. I had an important revelation.”
“Whassit?” Brendon mutters, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes.
Gabe lowers his voice and draws in a little closer to Brendon. “I think you might have been right.”
“I’m always right.”
“Yeah,” Gabe continues, “I think that William is a vampire.”
That wakes Brendon up. “Wait, what?”
Gabe frowns. “Remember? You said that at lunch. And like, honestly, the evidence really fucking stacks up.”
Brendon studies him before breaking into a small smile. “You know what you should do? Investigate.”
“What the fuck,” Gabe says slowly. Brendon is super dumb. “You’re not supposed to investigate fucking, like, supernatural demons. This isn’t Ghost Busters, it’s real life.”
“Yeah,” Brendon shrugs, “I mean, I don’t know. I just thought you were really brave and if anyone could tame a vampire, you could. Guess I was wrong though.”
OK, Brendon isn’t that dumb. He’s right about Gabe being brave, anyway.
“OK,” Gabe says quickly. “No, you have a point. How do I investigate him?”
Brendon claps his hands excitedly. “We need to research! Okay, Ryan is busy with some dumb band stuff today anyway so you can drive me to my house and we can pick up the Twilight movies and also all the other vampire movies I have and then we can go to your house and your mom can make us lasagna later for dinner and we can watch ALL the movies!”
Gabe sighs determinedly. “I mean, I guess if we have to watch Twilight…”
“Please,” Brendon scoffs. “You love it.”
“Twilight is corporate shit,” the red-haired kid says quietly. Gabe squints at him. What’s his name? Gerald Gay, or something equally fucking weird.
“Look,” Gabe says to him, “look, Gerald, buddy. That’s your opinion and you’re totally entitled to it. But also. Vampires are never corporate shit. And I’m Latino so I know all about vampires.”
The fuzzy-haired emo next to Gerald looks confused. “That’s - that’s not really a stereotype.”
“Whatever,” Gabe says. “We’re going fucking vampire investigating!”
“Yup,” Brendon says, his eyes sparkling with something a little unidentifiable. “We’re going investigating.”
What Gabe learns from Twilight (and Hotel Transylvania) is that vampires are creepy but also super hot. Also, to get close to them and find out they’re a vampire, literally all you have to do is seduce them.
Which sucks for him. Because William is really fucking beautiful and smart and talented and charming and funny in an understated way and also kind of adorably dorky generally attractive and perfect in every way.
And Gabe is just…loud.
He tells that to Brendon who frowns. “First of all, no. You’re so much more than just loud. You’re Gabe Saporta!”
“That,” he says, “means nothing.”
Ryan, who came out of pretty much nowhere (which - he really did come out of nowhere. And he does that a lot. Gabe reminds himself to investigate whether or not Ryan is some kind of Danny Phantom hybrid. Maybe he can make a career out of this) shakes his head. “Gabe, stop being so stupid all the time. You’re funny and cool and everyone likes you. For reasons that don’t make any sense, really, but it’s true. Plus, you’re kind of nice . So, of course yo can sed-,”
“-investigate!” Brendon interjects and Ryan rolls his eyes.
“Investigate and charm William. Plus, you guys are friends anyway so.”
Gabe thinks about it. Ryan has no reason to lie to him. He’s usually pretty mean to a lot of people for no reason other than that he hates them.
“Yeah, OK,” he says, feeling a little more optimistic. “I can do this. Maybe.”
But he doesn’t do it (or anything, really) until William starts sitting next to him at lunch. And it’s a really subtle difference because they knew most of the same people and they kind of hung out but William was William with other people and Gabe was Gabe with other people and now they’re just William and Gabe sitting next to each other and arguing about the merits of Britney Spears.
Gabe thinks that maybe his crush on William was kind of justified. Other than the fact that he’s a vampire. Because William, besides his supernatural magnetism, is really awesome.
Except today, because William isn’t at lunch. And since Gabe is an amazing investigator, he takes matters into his own hands (and also really, really, really tries not to be a wuss) and texts William.
hey where r u he texts while half-listening to Brendon and Jon discuss why every single person on Earth needs at least six guitars.
William replies immediately. lol my car broke down so i just didn't go to school
r u OK?!?!?
yea but idk how i’m gonna get to school for the next like…two weeks.
i can drive u prob where u at?
William texts him his address and Gabe realizes, with a sickening kind of excitement, that William is literally two minutes away from him.
He looks up from his phone only to see Brendon and Ryan are staring at him.
“Dude,” Ryan says, “the bell rang like fifty minutes ago. We have lit.”
“Yeah, OK,” Gabe says, smiling to himself. “Wait, why is Brendon still here?”
Brendon shrugs. “I have English next to you guys. Doesn’t make sense for me to not walk with Ryan. Anyway, why are you smiling like a creep?”
Gabe shrugs. “Nothing. Except I maybe got a lot closer to figuring out what William is.”
“Good job,” Ryan says, awkwardly touching Gabe’s shoulder for a millisecond.
“Yay!” Brendon cheers, slinging one arm around Gabe and the other around Ryan.
They’re all late to class but who fucking cares? Gabe is basically a Vampire Buster now.
The most effective method of getting someone to admit they’re a vampire is the Twilight model. That’s scientifically proven, pretty much.
Using that logic, Gabe decides that he needs to interrogate William the way Bella interrogated Edward. That’s the only way you can get answers in America. If he learned anything from TV, it’s that.
“So,” Gabe says after William squeezes himself into Gabe’s shitty Civic, “wanna play a game?”
He glances over to see William biting down a smile. “Yeah, let’s play Gabe. What game?”
Gabe decides he really likes the way William says his name. “It’s a question game. You know, to get to know each other better. So like, one drive, I get to ask the questions and the next drive, you get to ask them.”
“Yeah,” William says. “Can I go first?”
Gabe frowns. “I guess.”
“You can go on the way home,” William promises. For some reason, it’s incredibly sweet and thoughtful even though it’s not William being nice so much as it’s the actual premise of the game.
“Okay,” Gabe agrees, tilting his head a little to shoot William a smile. William smiles back.
“What’s your favorite movie?”
Gabe thinks about saying something like Die Hard to look cool and badass but Bella didn’t get Edward by being cool. She got him by being weak and honest and probably super hot.
“The Princess Bride.”
They start Dracula in Lit that day and Gabe feels sad for some reason.
“I really hope William isn’t a bad vampire,” he whispers to Ryan.
Ryan studies him carefully. “Me too,” he says softly and Gabe’s left confused and a little afraid.
On the ride home, the first question Gabe blurts out is “Do you like blood?” and William looks really weirded out.
“I guess,” William says, frowning. “I mean, I don’t not like it. It’s pretty and all.”
After he drops William off, he texts Brendon close 2 getting a confession!
Brendon replies almost instantly OGM u shuold be close to getting something else too!!!!!!!!!!!! ;) ;) ;)
Gabe decides to ignore that.
He finds out a lot about William in the next two weeks. Like how William loves cats and old science fiction movies and he doesn’t really believe in God but he does believe in ghosts.
And it’s fun, even if Gabe isn’t really closer to concluding the investigation. The drives to school and back are his favorite part of the day. Which is kind of lame but also pretty adorable on his part.
And then he picks up William one Thursday. William smiles awkwardly. “Uh, so my car is going to be fixed tomorrow. So. Yeah.”
“Oh,” Gabe says, feeling unreasonably sad and disappointed (probably because he still doesn’t know if William is a vampire), “Oh, yeah, that’s cool.”
“Yeah,” William says. “I mean, I’m glad to have my car back. And I really appreciate this a lot. Maybe one day I can pick you up and teach you how to drive!”
Gabe smiles weakly at that. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Anyway, you can go first today.”
Gabe cocks his head a little, confused. “Really?”
William nods, grinning. “Yup! Guess I’m just in a very generous mood today.”
Gabe thinks, nut up or shut up. He should just come right out and ask William if he’s a vampire.
But instead, being as lame as he is, he goes with “What’s your favorite color?”
He spends most of choir complaining to Brendon about how he might never finish the investigation now.
Brendon is suggesting that Gabe ask William out on a date (as fucking if) when they walk out of the choir room and see William leaning against the wall.
“I asked Ryan what your first period was,” he says by means of explanation.
Brendon clears his throat in an excessively suggestive manner. “Hi William.”
William smiles at him. “Hi Brendon.”
“Well, alright! I’ll leave you two to it!” Brendon practically skips off and behind William’s back, winks as obnoxiously as is humanly possible.
“Hey,” Gabe nods, trying to smile past his confusion and, honestly, fear. What if William is trying to get him alone just so he can feast on his flesh?
“Hey,” William says, smiling his perfect, crooked smile. “I know this is kind of weird, or whatever, but I decided I want to start my turn early.”
Gabe nods and tries to look like he knows what William is talking about. Inside, he’s panicking a little because William is so going to eat him. And at this point, Gabe would probably just give William anything he wanted. Like his arms or legs or his brain. Do vampires eat brains? Whatever.
“The game,” William clarifies.
Gabe grins because William is kind of super adorable. “Go for it,” he says.
“Hm, okay. Starting off with the basics. What’s your next class?”
“Calc. What about you?”
William waggles his finger at Gabe. “Gabriel, you had your turn. No more questions from you. But, since you asked so nicely, I have Trig. So we’re near each other.”
Gabe laughs. “Sorry, forgot my place. I guess I’m just too greedy.”
“I guess you are,” William agrees.
Vampire charm or not, Gabe is really fucking smitten.
The questions William asks on the drive home are strange and specific. Like, “What’s your favorite movie genre?” (Anything that’s funny) and “Wha kind of flowers do you like?” (blue ones) and “What’s your favorite place to eat?” (everywhere). Still, Gabe goes with it till they get to William’s house.
“This is my stop,” Gabe says as he parks.
William nods solemnly. “I understand. One last question?”
Gabe smiles. “Only because I’m feeling generous.”
“What are you doing this Friday night?”William asks.
“Tomorrow Friday? Or a different Friday?”
“Tomorrow Friday,” William answers, smiling that crooked fucking smile again.
“Nothing,” Gabe says. “I mean, you know, besides school. Why? What are you doing?”
“I’ll be asking the questions,” William tells him, reaching over to lightly push Gabe. (Gabe’s heart only flutters a little, OK, and that’s only because he’s scared William’s bloodlust will be heightened by physical contact). “Anyway, I’m not doing anything either. Do you want to do something, maybe, together?”
Gabe would do literally anything to do literally nothing with William but instead, he says “Yeah, that sounds great!”
“I’ll pick you up,” William says as he slides out of the car. Gabe thinks he can hear William saying something like “It’s a date then” but he’s not sure. Probably not. He has awful hearing.
He texts Brendon and Ryan immediately and receives a hundred smiley faces in return (from Brendon) and a “good luck man” from Ryan. He connects with both sentiments on a deep, spiritual level.
Besides, this is a starting point. First, they hang out as friends. Next, Gabe extricates a confession from William. And then, circumstances permitting, they become eternal lovers or something. They can work out the kinks later.
Getting through school on Friday is more or less impossible. Especially with Brendon shooting him knowing smiles during lunch and with William looking distressingly adorable in his plaid button-down.
Somehow, he manages to deal and comes home only to find Ryan and Brendon already sitting on his bed. Watching SpongeBob on his TV and eating his mom’s lasagna.
“We’re here to help you,” Brendon explains. But after two hours of Ryan criticizing every piece of clothing he owns (“Gabe, everything you own is awful and I hate it and I hate you too”) and Brendon trying to force Ryan to model Gabe’s clothes (“Ry you’d look so cute in this neon jacket! I know Gabe looks like a loser, but you could pull it off”), Gabe thinks they actually came over to torture him.
After a lot of deliberation and a few blows to his sense of style, Gabe decides upon what Ryan deems “the least cringeworthy clothes” he owns - a white t-shirt and jeans.
“I don’t even see what the big deal is,” Gabe tells them, as he peels off the neon hoodie he’s wearing. “It’s just like, hanging out. And also, Ryan, why are you even here? You don’t think William is a vampire.”
“I like William and I don’t want you to blind him with your like, weird jackets,” Ryan says, his voice muffled by the pillow Brendon placed over his eyes the moment Gabe started taking off his clothes.
“You’re still working on seducing him,” Brendon reminds Gabe.
Gabe sighs and looks at himself in the mirror. He does look pretty adorable, albeit average and impossible to spot in a crowd.
There’s a knock on his door and Gabe groans. “Hide!” he whispers to Brendon and Ryan, who make no attempt to conceal themselves.
His mom answers the door but, unfortunately, Gabe isn’t able to get there before she tells William that “his little friends” came over to help him get ready. “Just like a dance!” she beams. “And they’re so sweet too, Brendon Urie and Ryan Ross!”
“He knows them, Mom,” Gabe mumbles as he shoves his shoes on.
She looks delighted to hear this. “Really, William? They’re Gabe’s best friends!” Of course,” she lowers her voice a little, “lately, Gabe’s become a bit of a third wheel but maybe you can change that!”
“Oh my God,” Gabe says faintly. Everybody is out to ruin his life. “Let’s go, please.”
“Nice meeting you, Mrs. Saporta!” William says, smiling warmly at his mom.
“I’m sorry,” Gabe says as they walk to William’s car. “Don’t take it personally. She just wants me to date everyone she likes so.”
“I’m glad she likes me,” William tells him. His nose crinkles a little when he says it and Gabe tries not to swoon.
They have dinner at a super nice restaurant and then watch a movie and it’s really super fucking fun. It doesn’t seem like hanging out, really, but Gabe’s been tainted because everyone’s idea of a good time is to come to his house and eat his mom’s lasagna and then maybe play video games for six hours. And Ryan and Brendon’s idea of a good time is taking a nap together in his bed.
William actually laughs at the stupid little jokes Gabe whispers to him during the movie and Gabe decides he would join William in eternal life if he asked nicely. Maybe even if he didn’t ask nicely.
When the movie’s over, William leans over and whispers “Can this run a little late? There’s somewhere I want to show you.”
Holy shit. William is totally going to tell him slash show him that he’s a vampire. Gabe feels a little tense and a lot petrified but he manages to nod.
“Close your eyes,” William tells him as soon as they get in the car and Gabe does.
It’s at least when minutes before the car slows to a halt. William opens the door for him and guides him through what feels like a tangle of grass before he helps Gabe sit down and lets him open his eyes.
They’re in the middle of a meadow, covered with flowers. And, around him, are violet petals.
“I couldn’t find the bright blue you liked so much,” William says apologetically. “I used to come here all the time before.”
“Before you were bitten,” Gabe says softly and William looks surprised.
“Yeah. After too, but how’d you know about it?”
“Brendon told me,” Gabe tells him. “Well, kind of told me. We theorized you were, anyway.”
“You theorized I was bitten by a scorpion?”
Gabe frowns. “You were bitten by a scorpion too?” Poor William. He’s had a rough life.
William looks confused. “Wait, what?”
Gabe bites the inside of his lip before exhaling lightly and deciding he needs to just admit he knows. “I know you’re a vampire,” he tells William.
William’s mouth quirks up a little before his face hardens. “How’d you figure it out?” he asks, his voice emotionless.
Gabe sighs. “I don’t know. I mean, it started when Brendon said you were. But then I thought about it and how charming and attractive you are plus how I’m like drawn to you. And then I decided to investigate and -,” what the hell, William knows almost all of his secrets by this point - “I ended up liking you more than I thought previously. Well, first the plan was to seduce you so you’d confess, but then the plan became to just seduce you, honestly. So. Yeah.”
Something soft passes through William’s eyes before they harden again. “Well,” he says, “I liked you a lot. I still do, actually.”
“Really?” Gabe asks, in spite of himself.
“Yes. But I’m also very hungry So hungry.”
Gabe sighs, defeated. “I understand,” he says.
And then William lunges at him, teeth bared. He tackles Gabe with the strength of a supernatural being and Gabe lets him. He closes his eyes, bracing himself for the bite.
But it never comes.
Instead, Gabe feels something warm press against his lips briefly, before William erupts into laughter.
He opens his eyes to see William, still crouched over him, but in hysterics.
“What?” he asks, feeling a little dazed.
William manages to collect himself for long enough to say “Vampire!” before he bursts into laughter again.
Probably, Gabe realizes, William’s vampiric urges combined with his feelings for Gabe drove him insane. So he sits and watches William laugh for at least ten more minutes.
When William finally stops, he grins at Gabe and mumbles “so cute” before kissing Gabe in earnest.
When they pull apart, Gabe is even more confused. Happy confused, but confused.
“I can’t believe you thought I was a vampire,” William says, pressing his forehead against Gabe’s. “Did you think that this date was just me trying to butter up my prey?”
Gabe’s heart flutters a little at “date” but he scoffs at William. “It’s not your turn in the game,” he says and William kisses him again.
When he gets home, his parents and Brendon and Ryan are sprawled around the table, playing Monopoly.
“Well,” Gabe says, trying to keep the stupid smile off his face, “he’s not a vampire but he is my boyfriend.”
His parents and Ryan cheer while Brendon more or less screams his head off with excitement.
“Sorry, Brendon,” Gabe says. “I know you had your heart set on him being a vampire but. Yeah.”
Brendon stops screaming and starts looking a little guilty.
“Tell him,” Ryan commands.
Brendon sighs. “I know he’s not a vampire. I realized that after I looked at Mike Carden, who is definitely the biggest vampire if there is one. And William isn’t really anything like Mike. But Ryan and I thought you’d be so cute together and also, I kind of bet money on this working. So.”
Gabe can’t really find it in his heart to be anything but blissed out of his mind. Even on Monday, when Brendon goes around, screaming “Pay up, fuckers!” or when he formally steps down as the acting captain of the Cock-Blocking Brigade only to hand the title to a very undeserving Nate or when everyone laughs at him for actually thinking William was a vampire. Which is super unfair because Brendon thought it first. Gabe was just being a supportive friend.
Nothing bothers him because he has William. Vampire or not, William is pretty fucking awesome.
Besides, as he tells William, they’ve still got the case of Phantom Ross to work on. So that’s something to look forward to.