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They didn’t remember when it happened, not exactly. He couldn’t tell you a name nor date nor time. Couldn’t tell you about the weather. Couldn’t tell you the last things said before nothing else would be ever said again.
Maybe they lived on somewhere else, that’s what people who never knew them said. That they were still around. August knew better. He knew they were gone and nothing was bringing them back.
He couldn’t remember how his parents died, but they didn’t think it mattered much in the long run. What he could remember was sitting in his grandma’s house, not feeling anything.
Usually they were bursting with emotions, something that always annoyed his parents when they were tired and unable to keep up.
August would sit at the table and look at the food, doing nothing but looking at it. Thinking about eating it made their stomach twist, the bubbling feeling getting closer to his throat anytime he thought of eating. They hated throwing up.
He would lay in bed, under the covers that were to light and the wrong texture. They'd stare at the wall, sometimes his unkept nails would dig into his hand. Anytime they’d close their eyes he’d see their faces. Hear their voices. The gentle touches of his mother as her nails ranked through his hair. The calming sound of their father humming an unnamed song.
His hair had grown long, tangled and greasy from the lack of care. It did get on August’s nerves, but just thinking of getting up to tend to it sounded exhausting. Like trying to petal uphill.
His teeth were plaque covered, thick and built up. Anytime their tongue ran over it they gagged. They were getting better at ignoring it.
He’s been in the same clothes for the past few..days? Weeks? Months?
Who cares?
They certainly didn’t.
Well…he did care. He really wanted to change. They wanted to get up and clean up, not just himself but also his room as it had cups and old trash all over the floor. They were sure their sheets were a part of themselves by now.
But it seemed so exhausting.
Everything was so exhausting.
What was the point?
He could just lay in bed. Not think of the mess. Not think of how dirt and sweat clung to them like second skin.
Alice had been on their case about it, of course, but her usual harsh and loud voice had taken a softer tone. Gentle and coaxing. August didn’t know if they enjoyed it too much.
It felt like pity.
August was sitting at the desk in his messy room one day, had been sitting there for hours. He’d wanted to get up and try to get some designs out or something. Anything at this point.
They have yet to have a single idea. Mind blank yet full.
Frustrating was the only way they could describe it, but being so upset seemed exhausting too.
His door peeled open, shuffling feet coming into the room and a soft ‘tsk’ ringing out.
“August, you need to move.” A raspy voice called, bordering loudness yet holding back, “out of this mess.”
Alice was a doctor, a person of body not mind. She didn’t know how to deal with what August was going through nor did she know how to help. It was frustrating.
She’d seen it, of course, but this was too close to home. Hit too deep. It was too much and honestly she felt like she’d croak soon from how much stress this put on her.
August didn’t bother her with a reply, staring at the ceiling like it held all the answers he was looking for. Like it had their faces burned into it.
“I know what happened hurt,” Alice called after a pause, trying to organize her words so she wouldn’t make shit worse, “I know…but you can’t just give up. Become the mess you are now because of something that was out of everyone's hands.”
August didn’t move, but they were listening.
“Sometimes bad shit happens to good people. People who didn’t deserve it. That’s just how this fucked world works.” Her tone was still gently but it was going back to how she usually talked, not the gentle cooing and soothing she had tried to keep up, “you really going to let this get you down? Knock you on your ass when before, no matter how hurt you got, you got right back up? That’s not you, August.”
August turned to look at her. Alice was old, her hair was getting thinner by the day and her skin growing more wrinkles than August could keep up with. She looked exhausted though. Heavy bags under her eyes, skin paler than August remembered, and her appearance overall looking somewhat disheveled.
She sighed, “It hit everyone hard. You thought you’d have more time with people than you did, but shit happens. You can’t go back and change it, so there’s no point in thinking of doing that. Of thinking about all the ‘what if’s’ your brain comes up with.”
What’s done is done.
No matter how many times August wished to see them again.
No matter how many times their brain would race to think about what he could have said.
No matter how many times he’s imagined them still here.
They weren’t and there’s nothing August could have done to change that.
“They’re gone, I know it hurts, but you still have us. Me…and Eishia.” August sat up slightly at the name, “She’s worried about you, I’m worried about you. I also can’t keep up with her. You needed to help me here. Eishia needs you to be there for her.”
Eishia, his little sister. They loved Eishia, she was their everything. He remembered seeing her for the first time and being so happy. Promising to keep her safe.
Had he been failing at that?
He wasn’t the only one who lost everything, Eishia did too, and because he couldn’t get out of his own head they’ve been ignoring her.
Alice stayed for a little while longer, not getting on to them anymore but just standing there. She did end up leaving though, letting him know that the shower was free now.
Taking a shower sounded exhausting.
—————
“Big brother?” A small and soft voice asked, so different from the rest of the rather loud family.
August hummed, drawing up some new design he saw someone on the street wearing. Sitting in their living room, the little girl was playing with August’s hair. It was only shoulder length now, but she seemed content to mess with it.
“You’re hair’s really soft,” she admitted, “I like it.”
—————
August doesn’t know how long they sat there for, but they pushed himself up. Bare feet touching the dirty ground as he made his way out of their room.
Go to the bathroom.
It was a sentence that kept repeating in their head. A constant reminder to just keep going. Just keep pushing.
He did get in the shower, but they ended up just sitting on the floor of the tub. The water around them was already getting dirty as it kept coming down. It was disgusting.
The bathroom door opened and in came Alice, she set a fresh pair of clothes on the sink and then rolled up her sleeves, “let’s get you cleaned.” She didn’t ask, didn't need to.
She sat down, grabbed the soap August liked best, and started to help them clean up properly. She mainly washed out his hair, long golden blonde that reached his waist by now. She also washed the upper part of their body but shoved the rag into their hands for the other half.
“I can’t do everything for you, you gotta be able to hold yourself up.” Is what she said. August found the task miniscule but tiring. They did it anyway.
Getting out once the water ran clear, they dried up and got dressed. The clothes were his, ones his Grandma washed so they would stay clean after they just got out of the shower. August left the bathroom and went back to his bedroom.
It was clean. All trash taken out and the bed nothing but a mattress. August appreciated it, but he was just really tired right now. He laid down, flopping on the bare bed. The mattress bouncing under him.
He ran his tongue over his teeth, feeling the build up he hadn’t brushed off. They were sure their breath wreaked and compared to his now clean room and body it made them feel worse. Filthy. He was tired though, wishing to lay down.
Alice came back after a while, clean sheets and blankets. August doesn’t know how long they’d been laying on the bare mattress but they do remember falling asleep. August sat in his desk chair as he watched his Grandma make his bed like they were a little kid who didn’t know how to.
She also left a glass of water on the bed side table, leaving once the bed was made. They laid back down and curled up, adjusting their pillows to how he liked.
Maybe he fell back asleep.
Maybe he stayed up and just stared at the wall.
They didn’t know nor care.
They did fall into a routine. Get up, shower, lay back down.
The mess started to fill the room again.
—————
“Ew. brother, that's nasty.” The little girl said, watching as the plate of food spilled on the bedcovers.
“Wha?! Hey now, your bed is a mess too!” August said definitely in his usual way.
“Not like brother’s,” Eishia said, arms crossed and hair that she’d just started growing out bouncing slightly with the movement, “my bed has toys, your bed has food. Food rots, toys don’t.”
Some toys could, but not the soft ones Eishia slept with. August let out a breathless chuckle but got up and cleaned, he was going to do it anyways but he could see the ego boost his little sister got whenever she thought he listened to her alone.
—————
August looked at his room, sitting on his bed that now needed to be rewashed again. He doesn’t know how long it’s been, but he felt like it’d been a while.
He got up from his bed and shuffled to the kitchen, grabbing a bag he made his way back to his bedroom and began to pick up. When he was done, he felt dead tired but he still had a shower to take.
He walked into the bathroom and got in the shower, when he got out there were fresh clothes on the sink for him. Getting back to his room his bedsheets were gone once more and a new glass of water sat on his bedside along with a bowl of oranges.
He took a sip of water and laid down.
Once again Alice came in and made the bed, August fixed what they thought was wrong and laid down.
A new routine was made.
It was a few weeks later, because they’ve been keeping track now, whenever August took the sheet from Alice and made his own bed.
—————
“Songbird, you need to do this yourself now.” Their mother said, not scolding but like she was pointing out a fact. A simple observation.
She was smart, able to focus far better than August found himself to do at times.
“Why? I have mama. I like how you do it.” August asked, watching as his mother made his bed for them.
“I can’t always do this for you,” Their mother said, “besides that, you’re a big boy now and it’s something big boys do.” She fluffed the pillow, looking back at them.
They looked at their mother, long pale blonde hair up in a bun with a cloth headband. Her eyes were a nice pale blue, long blonde eyelashes framing them. August always liked how her face looked.
“I’ll do it myself now!” August declared, “I’ll even make Eishia’s!”
—————
August found a lot of it exhausting. A lot of everything was exhausting, but it was easy to follow a routine once you got it.
Honestly the only thing he still struggled to do was eat, it all looked so bad to him.
Alice would put a small bowl of fruit and a glass of water on his bedside, August would manage down a few bites but other than that they didn’t want to eat.
They were laying in bed, it’s been a few weeks now, and they knew food was sitting right behind him but he couldn’t will himself to look.
He heard soft and small footsteps walk into the bedroom, pausing before coming to the bed and crawling onto it, “brother?” a soft voice called.
August looked at her, small and soft. She looked anxious but he couldn’t remember a time she didn’t, they did notice the bags under her eyes though.
Was he the cause of that?
“Are you going to eat with us today?” They had stopped sitting in the kitchen when it was time to eat, not even bothering to leave their room. He wouldn’t eat anyways and the smell of food from all around made him sick.
But he didn’t want it to affect his sister.
They never meant to hurt their sister, to affect her in such a way. He was meant to keep her safe, even from emotional things.
“...yeah.” They muttered, “yeah, i’m joining.” His voice was too soft to be his and too raspy to be normal, but they answered nonetheless.
They answered.
They made the promise.
They always keep their promises.
Eishia smiled, small but it pulled at her dimples and made her eyes crinkle slightly. She was happy.
Truly that’s all August wished to see, Eishia being happy.
She all but pulled him out of his bed and to the kitchen, having him sit in the chair next to her. Alice seemed surprised but smiled and set a small plate of food in front of them, knowing they wouldn’t want to eat much.
They hesitated, but whenever they took a bite and saw Eishia smile he found it slightly more bearable.
A new routine was made.
He’d get up, clean their room, take the sheets to wash if needed, take a shower, make bed if needed, then eat dinner with Eishia and Alice.
It was simple to follow and slowly he joined in more meals, drank more water, and even started to sketch again.
There were bad days, weeks even, where they’d go right back to the start. Where they’d lay in bed and not move.
It made them feel so useless.
But he kept getting back up. He kept pushing. If not for himself then for his little sister who needed her big brother there. For their grandmother who wasn’t getting any younger and needed help around the house.
While bad days, bad weeks, happened. They weren’t permanent. They weren’t permanent because August refused to stay down.
He’d keep going.
They had to.