Chapter Text
Peering around the corner you smirked to yourself, Kylo was nowhere to be seen. For once the Knight had finally left you to your own business, at least for a little while. Quickly darting from behind your doorframe you started strolling down the hall, your long robes flowing behind you. This was the first time in days you had been outside of your own quarters alone, let alone outside of your quarters at all. For the sake of getting the snacks you so desperately craved and salvaging your own sanity, you had to get out at some point.
As if Kylo hadn’t been overbearing enough when you had first arrived on the base, he surely exceeded any standards he had set before. Though he was reluctant to go forth with the arrangement, much like yourself, he surely took his status as your husband seriously. He seemed to see almost everything about it much like a task he had at work, treating the whole thing as if it was another job. Much to your displeasure, he also took it as a reason to be overly possessive of you and hover over everything you ever did. It was as if he was concerned you would escape the Order, find someone better, despite his obvious annoyance with you, he wanted you only to himself.
When you found out you were pregnant months later however, the behavior he exhibited got even worse. Any improvements you had made in your relationship seemed to take a backseat as his overbearing behavior pushed you to the limits of your patience. Both being force sensitive didn’t help the matter either. You would not only see, but feel his anger towards you, the impatience both of you exhibited making the air around you thick with tension. People of every rank were sure to avoid both of you when your arguments got heated, you were both infamous for spurts of rage. The stress of the situation was only multiplied when Supreme Leader Snoke emphasized just how significant this child was to the First Order. Though it was just one giant eye roll for you, knowing well that Snoke only intended to use your child just as he used Kylo, Kylo took the entire ordeal with great deal of legitimacy. The second Snoke finished that briefing, Kylo’s entire feeling over the situation shifted. What was once just something that was somewhat inevitable in nature, now became a great weight on his shoulders. Unfortunately, he believed you should carry that weight with him, despite your indifference to a majority of Snoke’s requests. Striding past a few doors you felt a grin grow larger on your face as you realized you were finally going to make it to the cantina without disruption. Just as quickly as that grin appeared however it disappeared as you saw the familiar cloud of black appear from one of the corridors.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Crossing your arms under your swollen chest you huffed. Of course Kylo was close by, the man was relentless.
“To get food Kylo.”
He took quick strides up to you, his tone growing more aggrivated through the modulator.
“I told you the droids or maids would fetch that for you. Get back to our quarters, now.”
“No.”
“(Y/N). Don’t defy me.”
“Defy you? Really? Do you understand that you’re a husband, not a keeper?”
You could hear him take a deep breath, his energy growing hot underneath the mask. In his thoughts you could hear him attempting to talk himself down from yelling. His thoughts were often blocked off from you, with the exception of when you were in an argument, he always wanted you to know just how aggrivated you made him. In his opinion, you did it on purpose, getting a rise out of seeing him so infuriated. Truthfully, you were just responding to his behavior, even if your acts to irk him were a tad satisfying.
“(Y/N), we’ve discussed this-”
“You know I don’t agree with your perspective on this Ren.”
“I don’t care if you agree.”
Furrowing your brows, you took steps closer, looking straight into the visor of his mask with flaring irises. You knew he could feel the anger growing within you as you narrowed your eyes. He was always in tune with your emotions, though he seldom responded to them appropriately.
“Don’t care? Am I your prisoner or your wife? Or are you even aware of what the difference should be?”
Flaring his nostrils again, you could hear the leather of his gloves squeaking in his strained fist.
“(Y/N).”
“Listen to me Ren. I went through with this arrangement, I am trying to work with you, shit I’m even carrying your child. The apparent future of the First Order and our legacy. The least you could do is pull the stick out of your ass and ease off of me at least a little.”
He brought his towering frame to you, his robes just barely grazing your protruding stomach. With his visor laser focused on you, you kept your glare unfaltering.
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that.”
“I will speak to you however I please, honey.”
“You will speak to me with respect.”
“If you expect respect you should surely practice some of your own.”
Pointing one of his gloved hands down the hall with a snap, his tone grew more rigid, far more demanding than moments ago.
“Get back to the quarters now. I will not ask you again.”
Still standing firm you kept your glare, eyes barely blinking.
“I’m. Getting. My. Food.”
“Go to our quarters and I’ll have it sent to you. What do you want?”
Though you were reluctant to end this argument, you were growing tired of it already. The months you had spent actually getting along seemed like a distant memory, and at this point, you were just exhausted. At least in this instance you would indulge Ren and his request simply because of your own perogative.
“A souffle, honeycrust and those cream puffs.”
You smiled at the thought, you had been eating such a regimented diet that you were to the point of fantasizing about food constantly. All you wanted was to sink your teeth into some sweet treats with a massive grin plastered across your face. You could practically taste and feel how that glorious moment would be for you.
“You can’t eat those.”
Your smile instantly dropped as you glared at Kylo once again.
“Excuse me?”
“You have to stay on the diet you were given.”
Rolling your eyes dramatically you crossed your arms with a deep huff.
“Stars Kylo now you control what I eat too?”
“It’s for-”
“I don’t care what it’s for. You’re like a damn dictator. I’m obliging to go back to our quarters and rest, ok? I’m listening to you, just let me have the food.”
“No.”
Flaring your nostrils you attempted to use a push to fling Kylo into the wall behind him, only to have him abruptly grab your wrist.
“Don’t even think about it.”
“I dream about it to be honest.”
“Go back to our quarters.”
“Make me.”
At that he instantly raised a gloved hand to your forehead, gently passing it over you. Within an instant you fell limp into his arms in a sleepy state as he swept you into his arms bridal style. Not bothering to look behind him he spoke to one of the officers he knew to be eavesdropping.
“Make yourself useful and fetch her an evening meal. Make sure it’s properly heated and cut.”
The officer, a bundle of shaking nerves, nodded quickly as he hastily made his way down the hall.
“Right away Commander.”
Kylo carried you effortlessly back to your quarters, ensuring that you would get your proper rest.
---
As your eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the dark atmosphere of the room your brows knitted. Feeling the soft fabric of the sheets beneath you, you realized you had been tucked into bed. Kylo obviously had taken his opportune moment to return you where he thought you needed to be. Rolling your eyes as you slowly sat up you shoved the blankets aside. Kylo knew you were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, yet he refused to let you. To you it felt as though he were treating you like the child instead of the one carrying it. Rehashing how much you desired to simply get up and wander, you swung your legs over the side of the bed, carefully pulling yourself to your feet. Wrapping your black robe around yourself once again you made your way to the blast doors, quickly hitting the control to open. With a hiss they slid open, instantly two storm troopers turned to look at you.
Ah damn him.
“Lady Ren, it has been requested by the Commander that you not leave your personal quarters for your own well being.”
Faking a smile you tilted your head the slightest as you looked over the two troopers. From what you picked up on the surface of their loudest thoughts and their aura, they were unfamiliar with guarding your quarters and were entirely nervous. Something you could easily take advantage of.
“Is that so?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Well…”
Standing between the two, they brought themselves closer together, attempting to prepare for your possible sprint off. Little did they know, they were only making your plans easier. Bringing your focus to the both of them you smirked for a moment before your expression turned serious.
“You will allow me to leave these quarters and go for a walk.”
The two turned to each other, hesitating. They turned back to you in a unified motion.
“Lady Ren we-”
“You will allow me to leave these quarters and go for a walk.”
There was a moment of silence that hung in the air, waiting to see if you had succeeded.
“We will allow you to leave these quarters and go for a walk.”
Smiling to yourself you gave them a short nod.
“Thank you gentlemen.”
Gliding past them with ease you made your way down a different corridor, your particular favorite, the viewport. With how overbearing Kylo was the moment he found out you were pregnant, he seldom let you out of his sight without a fight. All you needed to unwind at this moment was to see the blank yet beautifully glittering night sky. It was one of the only things that instantly brought you peace. Walking down the hall you continued to look over your shoulder, anticipating that Kylo would suddenly appear and catch you off guard. You may have been powerful in the force, but he was just as, if not more powerful than you. To your disadvantage, Kylo seemed to always be a step ahead of you when it came to matters of the force. If you thought you could sneak out of a meeting sly as a fox, Kylo would always beat you to it or make it difficult for you to achieve. Just as you turned your gaze back to the hallway in front of you, you took note of another presence. It was an anxious and tense energy, pacing. Walking further down the hall you saw no one, yet you couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was close by. The way your hairs stood on end and your skin felt as though there was a hot breath ghosting against your neck, you couldn’t be so sure that there was in fact no one down there. Suddenly without warning a strong and broad palm hidden in black cloth grabbed you and shoved you into a corridor. Before you could fully react the same hand aggressively applied itself to your neck, pushing you into the metal wall behind you with brute force.
A trooper?
The figure trying to choke you was in fact a storm trooper. Just as you tried to discover why this particular trooper had cornered you, the man peeled his helmet off. With yellowed teeth smirking deviously at you with seething irises boring into you, he ran his tongue over his lips causing your stomach to churn.
“Well, well if it isn’t Lady Ren. You know there’s a pretty price on your head?”
Through gritted teeth you raised your hands to his forearm, instantly lodging your nails into his skin. He released a huff trying to resist the feeling of pain you were applying.
“I want my credits, and if that means killing off the future of the Order, so be it.”
Feeling your heart start to ram against your chest, you aggressively shoved your nails deeper into his skin as he yelped out in response. As he winced from the pain, you used your available power to throw him into the wall opposite of you. Finally feeling your airways relieved you started taking in deep breaths, fluttering your eyes shut. You could feel your body pleading with you to calm yourself, remove yourself from the area. As your eyes opened your heart nearly stopped as you saw the man moving towards you once again with the same seething anger in his eyes. The instant he took his second step however a familiar crackling buzz cut through the air. Jumping back slightly with your hand over your chest you watched as the man fell to the floor, marked by Kylo’s saber from his shoulder and through his abdomen. Releasing a deep breath you felt the instant wave of relief within you. You wouldn’t have to physically fight off your attacker after all. Despite that relief however, you couldn’t deny the pulsing rage standing just a foot away from you with heavy breaths heaving through his body. You could hear them escaping the modulator, almost distorted by the technology. Turning his saber off once again. He rolled his shoulders. Testing your luck you stuttered out.
“I-”
“Quarters. Now.”
His voice was just as cold and dismissive as it usually was, but you could feel the heat of anger still only building inside of him.
“Kylo-”
“GO!!”
Blinking at the sudden yelling, you hesitated. For once, you didn’t want to defy his requests. The waves of emotion rolling onto you from his end were as intense as the burning through his irises that you were sure laid under that visor. If you fought him on this one, you knew there would be no compromise. With what had just occured, he would not dare let this slide without a heated debate. With a blank expression you nodded, silently leaving him in the hall, heavy breaths still escaping his modulator. Returning down the hall, though your back was to Kylo you could feel his eyes on you for a moment, burning into you. Moments, if not seconds later, you could hear the same crackling buzz start slashing into the heavy sheets of metal that made up the hallway. Opting to ignore another one of his infamous fits, you continued your way to the quarters.
---
Late into the night, finally settling down your nerves from earlier, you found yourself awake yet again as you were unable to get comfortable. Sighing in frustration you shifted around your side of the bed, trying to position your swollen stomach just right on the pillows provided. They were great quality, but lacked just the right level of soft cotton you desired to have craddle your bump. Just as you moved to slide another pillow under your swollen side, you heard a faint whimper from Kylo.
“Mmhh.”
Pausing you waited to see if you had woken him, but he didn’t seem to budge much after that, only the rising and falling of his breaths. Turning back to your task you slowly tried to slide another pillow under your side, attempting to not wake Kylo. Just as the pillow was situated, you heard him once again.
“No…no please.”
Pausing, you looked over your shoulder to Kylo once again. His head had shifted slightly, but he was still asleep. Rolling your eyes you tried to get comfortable once again, not knowing how you were going to sleep if he was talking in his sleep once again. This late into your pregnancy, you craved sleep more than anything, but with Kylo it was a gamble as to whether or not you’d sleep peacefully.
“No…don’t hurt her.”
His tone was growing more concerned, as if he was about to yell or cry in his sleepy state. Turning your head once more you saw him shift his shoulders, almost curling into himself as his long limbs rolled up towards his torso.
“What have you done.”
His large frame was now starting to tremble from underneath the sheets, his bare back almost vibrating. Seeing where this was going as his growing anxious energy hit you, you turned yourself over onto your other side carefully.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry.”
The tone of regret and worry in his voice was growing even heavier as the phrases continued flowing past his lips.
“Please…please you can’t…no.”
As his head took a sudden shift, you decided to relieve him of his nightmare, quickly putting your hand onto his shoulder. With a tight grip you started shaking him.
“Kylo, Kylo wake up.”
“No…no please.”
You shook harder, “Kylo.”
“(Y/N) please.”
Using more of your strength you aggressively shook his shoulder, finally raising your voice.
“Kylo wake up! Wake up!”
Hearing a sudden gasp from him as his shoulder blades clenched together, you stopped shaking him, leaving your hand over his shoulder. With a few silent moments of only hearing his heavy breaths, you decided to speak once again.
“Kylo.”
Feeling his emotions hit you suddenly, you felt his worry and sadness over whatever he had seen. It was as if everything around his aura faded to a deep dark blue, no longer flaring with flames of anger, but depression.
“…Kylo?”
Hearing him sniffle, you softened your expression as you started rubbing his shoulder in an attempt to soothe him. You were used to his frequent nightmares at this point, they were one of the only things you positively worked on in your marriage. Rather than ignoring him as you did at first, you now understood he needed reassurance and comfort when he awoke in the night with a jolt.
“Kylo what happened?”
Hearing his voice croak you felt your gut sink slightly.
“The nightmare…something horrible.”
Scooting closer to him you continued rubbing his shoulder.
“It’s ok. You can tell me.”
You saw his raven locks shift on the pillow beneath him, rustling against the fabric as he shook his head.
“No…no I can’t.”
“I’m your wife Kylo…like it or not I’m your confidant an-”
“Something happened to you…I don’t want to speak of it.”
Pausing for a moment, you swallowed, slowly continuing your soothing motions. You knew Kylo’s mind was constantly flooded and puppeted by Snoke, but what tortured him the most was not being able to differentiate between what was a nightmare produced by Snoke or his morbid psyche or a vision from the force. It all blurred together and it killed him each and everytime they haunted his slumber.
“What happened to me?”
“…I told you I don’t want to discuss it.”
“Kylo I can handle it.”
The room grew silent for a few moments, no sound in the air except for the soft breaths you were both taking.
“…I can’t.”
Knitting your brows, you tried pulling his shoulder, attempting to pull his body towards you. Like a rag doll he allowed you to move him in your direction. As his face came into view you could see his bloodshot eyes, still glistening with tears, the sweat visible on his dark brows. Reaching a hand forward slowly you attempted to enter his mind, focusing your available power in your groggy state on him. Just as you began to see inside his thoughts he instantly gripped onto your wrist aggressively, blocking you from his mind. With a pained expression on his face he shook his head.
“Kylo please-”
“I won’t let you…I can’t. You don’t need to see what I’ve seen.”
“Kylo please what if it’s-”
His tone suddenly rose, causing you to flinch slightly.
“Don’t say it! It can’t be.”
Recoiling your hands to yourself, you dropped your gaze from his face. Slowly curling into yourself, you almost regretted trying to comfort him. For once he was resitant, cold to your affection. Softening his tone, he spoke again.
“I know you want to see, to help me…but I can’t.”
“…Was it that bad?”
As his lip quivered, he shut eyes while tears started to slowly slip from them once again. Gently bringing your hand to his shoulder you tried soothing him once again as he released a wavering breath. Giving you a small nod he slowly opened his eyes again, the pain obvious in them as he looked back at you.
“It was mortifying.”
Bringing yourself closer to him you nuzzled your head into his chest, snuggling as much of yourself up to him as you could manage. Without hesitation he wrapped his arms around you, the shaking in his body still obvious as he craddled you to him.
“…I’m here…it was just a nightmare.”
Hearing his voice croak again you felt a hot tear drop ontop of your scalp.
“Stars I hope so.”
“…Were…were you the one who did it?”
You felt his head shift, obviously shaking it. Being this close to him you could feel within him, his heart sink that it was a possibility in your mind that he would physically harm you. Recalling just how graphic and heart shattering the image he had seen was, he hoped you would never see him as that much of a despicable monster. Even he had a limit.
“No…someone else…to spite me.”
Gulping you nodded into his chest. The events of the day must have triggered this nightmare. Or at least that’s what you hoped.
“…So they came after me to get to you?”
“…They thought I didn’t care for you…but they were more than elated when they saw that I did. …They took advantage of it.”
Looking up to him with a faint smile you gently placed a hand to his torso.
“You care for me?”
His brows furrowed as he looked down at you.
“Did you believe otherwise?”
You shrugged, “You just…we fight so often.”
“We’re both passionate people who hold a lot of anger within us. I don’t fight with you out of disdain.”
“What about your constant patrolling of me? It’s like you don’t trust me…or see me as an incapable child. Since I became pregnant…its as though I’m a prisoner in my own home.”
His expression softened, his brows relaxing as he nodded.
“I only had good intentions.”
Scoffing lightly you rolled your eyes, starting to mindlessly trace patterns over his chest with your fingernail.
“Like what?”
“To protect you. It’s the only thing I can contribute. You’re already intelligent and physically able to defend yourself. I’m of no value. …You could do this entirely by yourself…I know you could.”
Looking back up to him, you brought your hand gently up to his cheek, gently stroking it. You hoped he could feel just how much his words hit you deep in the chest. Of course he annoyed you in 5,000 different ways, but you never thought of him as lacking value. If anything his words were a reflection of how he saw himself. Though he would not do well with a damsel as a wife, he felt as if he was a space filler next to someone like you. You put the ‘power’ in ‘powerhouse’. He was right to an extent, you really could go through this by yourself, but it didn’t mean you wanted to.
“Kylo. Just because I’m independent doesn’t mean I don’t need you sometimes.”
His eyes stayed focused on yours for a while, taking in your warm and soft expression. You could feel his earlier tension start to slowly subside.
“Don’t ever say you’re of no value. I value you.”
He swallowed, still staring at you intently.
“You do?”
You nodded with a faint smile.
“Of course, I value your commitment to things…how passionate you are…your relentless efforts to keep me safe from practically anything and everything…your companionship.”
Seeing his eyes glisten a little under the dim light in the room, you kept your focus on them. If anything his eyes were your favorite feature he possessed, they were both intense and yet warm. Much like himself, though he was only ever warm with you. His lip just barely twitched into a smile.
“…I value you too.”
You smiled at him, giving him a short nod. After a moment of simply looking at him he finally spoke, realizing you were waiting for an answer.
“I uh…I value your passion for things as well…your attempts to be patient with me…your compassion…your loyalty…just you.”
Placing your head onto his chest, you smiled to yourself. You were most certainly the only person in the entirety of the galaxy that got to see this side of Kylo. To you it felt like an honor that you could have the Knight of Ren be so gentle and considerate with you. Gently Kylo ran his large palm up and down your back.
“(Y/N).”
“Yes Kylo.”
“…What if I can’t do this?”
Though the statement was vague, you knew exactly what he was referring to. It was surprisingly the first time he ever vocalized his worries of becoming a father, 7 months after the announcement. His self doubt and loathing was more than evident through the aura he gave off, and it was no surprise that within them was his crippling fear of what could happen. He had no great example to look to, he had no experience with observing others, and his advisor would give him no sound suggestions. There was only him, and his instinct. That thought alone terrified him.
“There is no one way to be prepared Kylo.”
“What if I mess it up?”
“You won’t…I have faith in you.”
He looked deep into your eyes, brows furrowing at your words.
“How could you possibly have any in someone like me? To be a father?”
Running your hand up and down his bicep you spoke softly.
“Had you met some of the people who I saw praised for being wonderful parents, you’d understand why. Not everything is as it seems. You surely won’t jump right into it, you won’t ever be the best father in the galaxy, but eventually you’ll get it. At least kind of get it.”
Grabbing onto one of his hands you gently guided his large palm to lay on your stomach as you kept your (Y/E/C) locked onto his.
“They just want you to try…you will never be perfect, and neither will I. I mean look at us. All this little thing wants is for you to put forth effort, no matter how trying or terrifying it is.”
He gulped, his eyes moving down to your stomach. He had yet to actually touch the bump, mostly distancing himself from standing or sleeping too closely to you. It was as if he was so afraid of his own broad figure crushing you that even the slightest proximity made him nervous. There also seemed to be an underlying fear that his mere touch to your flesh, would taint the small being, curse them. He felt unworthy to lay his hands on such an innocent thing.
“I’m more than imperfect (Y/N)-”
“Kylo, if you never allow yourself to see past one side of yourself, you will become exactly what you fear. Your pesimism and denial will only fuel that conception. You have to see more in yourself.”
Just as he was about to protest and abruptly pull his hand from you he suddenly felt a soft thud against his palm. Jumping slightly his body jolted for a split second as his eyes went wide.
“Was…was that?”
You nodded with a smile.
“That’s them. I suppose you could say they’re saying hello.”
He stared down at his large hand still on your stomach, now fascinated. Needless to say when it came to babies Kylo only knew about the basic facts and biology of them. Starkiller and the Finalizer were not places where babies were ever found or discussed. On top of that, he was also the only child around the Resistance for years of his young age, almost never seeing anyone younger than him as he grew. The Jedi temple, quite obviously, did not have them either. Your child would quite literally be the first baby Kylo had ever dealt with in all his years of living. Watching Kylo’s expression you found yourself grinning. You had minimal experience with any of this as well, but compared to Kylo, you were certainly going to be the foundation of this whole new journey. Even as committed and heavily trained as you were in the Dark forces, you definitely possessed the most emotional knowledge as well as empathy in this relationship. No matter what conflict of Light and Dark Kylo faced, his seething anger over his ‘weakness’ overrode any potential chances to exhibit that empathy or understand it. He only wished to destroy it. That is until you came into his life.
“They know its you.”
Seeing his lip start to quiver again you just barely ran a gentle hand down his cheek, assuring your fingers carefully caressed his damp skin. As you made the motion you heard his thoughts in your head.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry for what I am. I know you deserve a better-”
Flicking his cheek to halt his thoughts you watched him blink in surprise, turning his eyes to you. Your brows were furrowed, faintly shaking your head.
“Stop.”
“(Y/N) it’s the-”
“You will become exactly the father you resented and fear if you don’t stop.”
Considering your words he stopped, pressing his plump lips together releasing a deep breath through his nostrils. Bringing his gaze back to your stomach, he remained still and stared at it. From his thoughts you could tell he was awaiting another movement. As terrified as he was to go through with this, despite the Supreme Leader pushing for it for his alterior motives, he was also beginning to realize that somewhere deep within those shrouds of darkness over his heart, he wanted this. He wanted to share this with you. Not just a legacy for the sake of the Order, but a connection that deepened your ties to one another.
Feeling another thump against his palm, you saw his lips form a sort of ‘o’ shape. Peering slightly over to the other side of your stomach. You giggled faintly, feeling content at the sight of him so enraptured. Shifting himself down the mattress, he assured his head was resting against your belly, an ear placed to it.
“Hear anything?”
He hesitated a moment before nodding, “A heartbeat…fluid moving around.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Their heartbeat is so…calm…it’s nice.”
You grinned, “They’re resting up for their arrival. Of course they’re calm.”
Turning himself once again he placed a small and extremely unexpected chastely kiss to your skin with his full pink lips. Raising your brows in surprise at the sight, you watched him give the bump one last soft caress with his large hands before he shifted again. Content with that much contact he carefully shimmied his way back up the mattress to lay his head next to yours. Gently gesturing, Kylo waited for you to turn your back to his bare chest. Once you were comfortable he carefully wrapped his broad arms around you, nuzzling his nose into your hair as he held you close.
“I love you.”
Feeling your heart swell you smiled, cuddling more closely to his warm body. He seldom said it, and it was more often said in moments of heated passion than endearingly quiet moments such as this.
“I love you too.”
“Oh…I was talking to the baby actually.”
With a gasp you playfully slapped Kylo’s arm causing him to flinch for a quick moment.
“Ah!”
“That’s what you get.”
Bringing his lips closer to your ear you felt his hot breath dust against the lobe.
“I love you too…truthfully.”
Turning to face him you winked, “Feelings mutual.”
With a soft kiss you both hummed in content, returning to your comfortable positions as you drifted peacefully to sleep.