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You love to draw but there’s only one problem, you’re kind of awful at it. So Kíli recruits Fíli to model for you for practice and you two get awfully attached. But when Fíli's comments turn cutting and you fear a lost friendship with the prince, how will he explain his mistakes?
Sitting in a sunny window of Erebor you felt as if nothing in the world could go wrong. Fíli and Kíli were seated not far from you, both preoccupied with their own work but you could feel the warmth of their presence.
As you lounged in your favourite spot the sun skimmed gently aross your pencil and you felt peaceful until…
“Oh Yavanna!! Not again!”
Fíli and Kíli heard your exasperated cry and exchanged a look, you had been getting more and more wound up over this one drawing in particular. They hated to see you so upset on what was supposed to be a relaxing day off.
Fíli slowly made his way over to you, not wanting to pry into something you were clearly frustrated with, and tentatively asked, “Are you alright?”
Kíli, however, possessed no such thoughtfulness as he walked over and quickly peered over at the image on your sketchpad. “My, my,” he laughed, “Whatever have you done to that poor fellow’s nose?”
“Kíli!” Fíli scolded his brother under his breath, “Lulkh! Do not push her!”
But at Fíli’s comment you slumped, all the fight leaving your body as hopelessness washed over you. “I was just trying to add shading but I went and ruined the entire drawing.” You sniffled, handing the sketchpad to Fíli. He might as well see what his brother saw. There was no use in hiding how despite all your effort you couldn’t help but fail.
Worried for what the crown prince would say you continued, fidgeting your hands in your lap, “It started fine and all of the different components looked decent on their own, but I just cannot get the features to fit together without making this poor dwarf look like an orc who's had half his skull bashed in!”
“Woah,” Fíli said, stopping you before you could spiral further, “While this ‘poor dwarf’ may look as if he has some questionable heritage it is still a far better image than either Kíli or I could produce!”
“Oh yeah,” exclaimed Kíli, eager to correct his earlier overstep, “If I had drawn that it would look so indistinguishable it may as well be one of the Great Eagles!”
“If you’re not happy with it maybe you just need more practice.” Fíli suggested, setting the sketchpad down beside you.
“Or perhaps drawing a live model would help!” Kíli suggested, “I have to leave for a meeting with Uncle but I’m sure Fíli would be happy to volunteer!” And with that the younger prince quickly scampered from the room, leaving Fíli and you alone, his brother’s proposition still hanging in the air.
With Fíli not answering, you began to pack up your things. “I won’t hold you to your brother’s word Fíli, it’s fine if you do not want to model for me. I’m sure you have a million better things to do and, besides, I’m sure sitting in one position for hours on end will get irritating and–”
“I would love to help you practice.” Fíli cut in, grinning widely. “When do we start?”
—
When Fíli agreed to Kíli’s idea you really didn’t think that it would lead to this.
You’d been meeting with Fíli for a few weeks now, whenever both of you could spare the time, and you were really coming to treasure the prince’s company.
When you felt as if you had mastered drawing his face, you moved on to the mastery of the human form. That was how you found yourself alone in your bedchambers with a shirtless Fíli.
“I’m so sorry about this,” you said again, “I just really cannot grasp the anatomy without seeing the muscle structure.”
“Oh no,” Fíli insisted, though a flush covered his cheeks, “this is fine. A slight breeze is no real inconvenience." So you settled into your work.
Over the past weeks you’d been staring at Fíli’s face so much you felt as if you could read every thought that crossed his mind in the twitch of his eyebrows alone, but this was uncharted territory.
As you beheld Fíli’s impressive chest, under the guise of mapping out your drawing, your mind wandered… What would it feel like to rest your head on that firm expanse? Would his arms come up and wrap around you, grounding you to him? A small cough from Fíli snapped you out of your thoughts.
What were you thinking?!? Daydreaming like that in front of the very dwarf involved was a surefire way to ruin the friendship you were slowly building with him! Yavanna why couldn’t you use your head for once?
When you looked up at him you could feel a soft heat setting across your face, instantly giving you away if your staring hadn’t done the job already. But when you made eye contact with him, he appeared just as bashful as you now felt and you two exchanged a smile before Fíli commented, “I could watch you work all day. It’s like you bring out the light in everything you touch. I just hope I’m worthy of all the time you’re spending on me.”
Not knowing how to respond, you thanked him and bowed your head once more to focus on your task (for real this time), but now with a little extra flutter in your heart.
—
After a couple months of these meetings you showed clear improvement and every time you showed Fíli one of your finished drawings he practically glowed with pride. While you were no great artist that didn’t stop you from trying to enjoy the process. That was made much easier by Fíli’s steady presence near you as you worked. His belief in your abilities made your efforts feel less trivial and your work began to pay off as your skills developed day by day until even Kíli, who stopped by on occasion, noticed a difference.
But something changed one day, when you showed him your finished product his response was more cutting than before. Fíli had always pointed out the errors in a constructive manner that you appreciated, but this was more brutal than normal. With each drawing you showed him he now found imperceptible errors that he insisted still needed improvement. Instead of feeling uplifted, you now felt weighed down by the barrage of critiques.
You began to work harder on the drawings, losing some of the joy you had found in them before. You had thought you’d made progress but it seemed all Fíli saw were your faults. You collected his biting comments as if they would make you stronger, as if they would help you improve, but one day the floodgates broke.
“And here,” Fíli said, pointing out another spot on the page, “the shadow here is all wrong! It gives the image a ghastly look, as if I stood over a fire rather than by a window.” He chuckled to himself, “I suppose we’ll just have to try again another day…”
You’d finally had enough. “That’s it Fíli, I’m done!” You exclaimed, briskly packing up your supplies, “If you see no improvement in my work to the point where you feel the need to call it ghastly I don’t see the point in these sessions anymore. If you need me, you know where to find me.” You walked off, leaving a speechless Fíli behind.
—
As soon as you were through the door and out of sight of the prince you began to run. Your feet pelting the stone floor like the tears you wished you could shed. With all of your supplies in your arms and your hasty departure leaving the door swinging behind you, you drew some odd glances from stray dwarrow in the halls but you ignored them and fled towards your chambers.
You felt so stupid for your reaction to Fíli’s words. Truly nothing he’d said had been outright rude but, despite your better judgement, you’d hoped a friendship had begun to form between you. Only the way he’d treated you was no way to treat anyone you cared for.
When you reached the haven of your room you hurriedly closed the door behind you, collapsing on the floor with your materials in your lap and finally letting yourself cry.
—
Fíli was an idiot. He was a fucking idiot.
How had he managed to screw this up this badly?!? It was never meant to end with him hurting you! He was such an ‘abanjabl!
He had been enjoying all the time he was now able to spend with you, seeing your concentrated face as you studied him becoming a bright spot in his day. He wished things could stay as they were forever but then you began to improve. You got good, too good, and suddenly Fíli was worried about what would happen after you needed no more practice. What place would he have in your life?
So Fíli did the only thing he could think of, he began to point out mistakes, tiny ones, ones so small they were hardly even there, and he played them up making sure you had a reason to do another portrait. But as the days passed his critiques spiraled and he could see now that he had gone too far.
Balin found him exactly when you had left him, pacing the floor, hoping against hope that he could think of a way to apologize for what a complete ass he’d been. The old dwarf could see the tension in the young prince’s stride even before Fíli turned and saw him.
“Balin!” Fíli exclaimed, having thought himself alone in the room, “If Uncle needs me right now, tell him that I am busy and wish to be alone.”
Fíli turned, ignoring Balin as he resumed his path across the floor, but Balin would not be dismissed so easily. “Care to tell me why I saw a certain young lady run past me, practically in tears, on the way to her chambers?” Balin sternly questioned, “You wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you boy?”
At that Fíli finally stopped, collapsing on the seat you’d just vacated. “How can I be so stupid Balin. I wanted to keep her near me and all I ended up doing was pushing her farther away.”
“Well staying in here with me isn’t going to change anything, go apologize and tell her what you just told me,” Balin practically shooed Fíli out, yelling after him, “Besides, if you continued like that you’d wear a hole through the stone floor!”
—
A few hours after your spat with Fíli you’d managed to dust yourself off and calm yourself down. At least as calm as possible when you still weren’t sure if your friendship with Fíli was over for good. At the thought, more tears began to fall.
Damn your emotions, why couldn’t you be as stony as some of the dwarrow, Yavanna knew they never cried as you had.
That was when a knock came at your door.
Sighing, you composed yourself again and went to open it, thinking it to be Ori or Balin with more papers for you from the library, but when you opened the door you were met with the face of the dwarf you least expected to see. So you did what any logical person would do, you shut the door in his face.
From behind the door you could hear Fíli’s voice tentatively calling your name. After a couple seconds you steeled yourself and opened the door once more.
“Hello,” you said cooly, “to what do I owe this honour?”
Fíli shifted on his feet, but brought forward the lone flower he’d been hiding behind his back. It was your favourite flower. He remembered? “I understand if you do not wish to see me, but I came to apologize,” Fíli said sheepishly, “I never meant to hurt you, but then—” He hesitated, not able to get the words out. You couldn’t take this from him again.
“Then what, Fíli?!? Why would you so blatantly insult me and my work, day after day, while knowing how much time and energy I put into those sketches! I know they were not perfect and that wasn’t the point, but I expected more courtesy from one I was beginning to consider a friend.”
There was a silence and Fíli sighed deeply before finally speaking, “You were getting good, really good, and I was–” he paused, cutting himself off, “I was scared that when we were done you would have no need for me anymore. And I– I really enjoy our time together.”
“What? So you insulted me to keep me? How does that make any sense Fíli!” you exhaled, still fuming.
“I thought that if I kept giving you reasons to do more sketches our time together wouldn’t have to end. It doesn’t make any sense, I know that now, and I’m so sorry for the harm my comments caused you. I’m coming to believe that my judgement is significantly impaired when it comes to you.” Fíli conceded, “I know what I did was wrong and it hurt you and I’m here to make it up to you if I can.”
He offered the flower again and this time, after only a split second of hesitation, you took it, accepting both the small bud and his apology. “I didn’t want our time to end either,” you conceded. “Why don’t you come in, we should at least be able to talk over some tea.”
So as a relieved Fíli followed you into your chambers, you knew your time with the prince was far from over