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I cannot get any shuteye ever since getting a job at that bloody American science doohickey. I spent half of a fortnight in the Enrichment Centre. One would think that they would have a cuppa and biscuits ready at the end of testing but they don't even have that.
Just cake. What is this, 1700's France? Where's that lass Marie Antoinette when you need her? Can you Adam and Eve this shite? To think that I would bite my arm off for these bloody American companies such as Aperture Science for some bloody quid!
But tonight, I spent half of the night in the enrichment centre tossing and turning. I finally got brassed off and dragged myself out of the Enrichment Centre. Should have signed up for testing in Black Mesa, but those blokes are just as dodgy as Aperture.
I finally gave up before I went bloody bonkers, dragging myself through the tests and descending the apples and pears to each elevator. It took a bunch of chin wagging with Glad0s for me to figure out that she's not exactly the most bonnie robot lass out there. My ebony hair stuck to my face, my green eyes wider than a bloke at a pub. I think that she is dodgy. I knew I was being daft but she helps me fall asleep by singing a little tune. Whoever designed this bloody facility has spent time faffing around!
As I dodged those bloody turrets, I wished for a favour from Glad0s: a portal gun. I decided to simply crawl into the ceiling and land outside of her domain, my long fall boots tapping the ground. I was told that I was catlike for a Brit, so I'm taking this as more chin wagging.
I tried to get as close as possible to the formidable hunk of metal. The sound of machinery can easily get me off to Bedfordshire. The only thing I got for jim jams are my testing clothes. As I entered and started setting up a place to get some shuteye using a portal gun I pickpocketed on a different set of apples and pears, I was unaware that the bloody bot woke up!
It's brass monkeys in here, so I started struggling with my little nook quietly, when I hear a robotic voice ask, "Test Subject, what are you doing in my quartres?"
I fell on my bloody face, then I turn to the supercomputer and replied, "Getting some shuteye, you bloody… keep your hair on! I don't wish to cause a kerfuffle with my favourite moderator! Just looking for a kip! Warn a bloke next time!" Then I finally settled down to take a kip.
The gargantuan ivory looking robot stared at me then grumbled, "Good night, you lunatic. I don't know why you can't sleep in the enrichment centre like a good test subject." I was too knackered to really care about her grumblings. To think Cave Johnson was minted enough to get test subjects…
"Night, mate. We are going to need nosh in the morning." Her machinery hummed, letting me catch a kip for the first time in a fortnight. I have many complaints about Aperture. The decorations are naff, the nosh is got a lot left to be desired, and they don't let test subjects get any quasimodo! It's bloody water! Not to mention that the testing uniforms are rank. At least the long fall boots make me look tickety-boo.
Glad0s grumbled, "I could have used deadly neurotoxin but decided not to because you are an entertaining test subject. Get some rest for tomorrow's test." Then she dimmed the lights on the tellies around the room to make it cozier to sleep in. How bloody considerate!
The next morning, I wake up to find a rosie lee, a British breakfast of eggs and beans next to my uncle ned, and other nosh. I was surprised that someone could wangle food into Glad0s's chambre! There was also crumpets and cake next to it. I glance at Glad0s suspiciously, "For me, mate?"
"Yes, you British lunatic. Happy birthday. I managed to call your parents… who worked for this company." She replied. I started wondering how many tonnes she weighed.
"Cheers, mate!" I cry out, tipping my cap to her before devouring my breakfast and heading back to the enrichment centre. I find it ironic that for a place called the Enrichment Centre, it's not very enriching. Maybe I can wangle some sort of telly into there?