Chapter Text
I’ve always wanted to do something with my life. I want to mean something, I really do. But now I’m here at 27 still walkin’ the same streets for 10 years, listening to the same music for longer and getting dirty looks from everyone who recognises my face. They all know me, they all know I’m that punk. The fuck-up who disappointed everyone who ever trusted me.
I close my eyes and turn my music up real loud.
I don’t know where I’m going, I just know I can’t stay still, so I go to a nearby park and run. I run because I can. It’s faster than walking and it’s something to do. Anything I do helps to distract me from my thoughts. So I’ve been running since I was a kid.
I start to think again. I turn my music up louder. It hits max volume, and it still isn’t enough.
I come to sit at a park bench next to someone who I don’t recognise. Why did people always have to be around? I could never explode with him there. I’m not even sure what that means to me, to be honest, but I wanna loose control.
Can’t with him here.
He says something, I can’t here over my music, but before I remember I don’t care what he has to say, I move my headphones behind one ear.
“Hm?”
“I can hear your music from here, you know that right?” Says the stranger. His voice is kinda flat, like he didn’t care about anything. He looks older than me and he isn’t exactly my type, but his hair is kinda cute, a more clean version of that emo scene cut with it covering his right eye. “You really like MCR, huh?” He says and his eye have this intense look. Like he’s watching me for something. I lean back on the bench and try to act like I don’t care.
“Yeah, what about it?”
“It’s just… never mind.”
I look at him and try to guess what his story is. He looks like a cubicle worker, a real average guy. A little tough, but he’s probably way more functioning than me. I mean, it’s not like it’s hard but…
“You’re staring.” He says bluntly, he’s looking at something on his phone and he doesn’t look up.
I shrug. “Maybe a little, but it doesn’t matter, does it?” He actually does look up at me at that.
“I mean to say, nothing I do ever seems to matter and I’m starting to think I don’t exist. Not in any way that matters anyway.”
“Who are you?”
“Name’s Benny.”
He nods to himself.
“What? You heard of me?”
“I’ve heard that name thrown around a few times, yeah.”
I laugh. It’s not funny or maybe it is. I mean, I read a book that said “it’s funny cause it’s true”, but I heard a song recently that said “isn’t it funny? Well not haha funny but, you know, funny”. My best thoughts are all just stitched together quotes.
“I didn’t know my reputation had spread that far.”
“I’ve mostly heard people complaining about you at bars.”
“You know what? On second thought, that totally checks.” I laugh again, this time because chemicals in my brain decided it was funny. “Hey what’s your name?” I ask him even though I’m sure I’ll forget anyway. I’m a bitch like that.
“Eddie.” He really was hard to read. I had no idea what he was thinking. All the easier to not care when I hurt him. Assuming I know him long enough.
“Are you okay?” He asks.
“Course, what would make you think otherwise.” I say as casually as possible. I could get defensive but ehh… I don’t wanna be.
“I mean all that stuff about not existing, and you seemed pretty frustrated about something when you sat down. You’re not like… going to do it or something, right?”
“Oh no! Nah, look I’m fine. It’s just, you know, not always easy. Like, I- arg! What am I even sayin’? I’m gonna drive myself crazy one of these days, I swear. I just wish I could care more, or maybe less? I don’t know.” I don’t wanna be here and I could think of a million ways to beat myself up about opening up to a stranger, but I don’t want to so I pretend I’m not here. It’s not a conscious decision but the words don’t sound like my own and my thoughts go quiet. Muffled. I can feel my body with perfect clarity, but there’s no me to experience it so I barely feel anything.
All I feel is the adrenaline. My heart and my breathing.
“Yeah I get that.” Eddie answers with a sigh. “I wish I had a reason to care.”
There's a long silence and in my state of what I’m pretty sure is dissociation, I take off my headphones. I wince at the silence. The brittle sound of cold winter breeze and the leave in trees and it all felt too loud. What did I do to get to a point where it physically hurts?
I try to breathe, but the quiet is killing me. It makes everything feel louder, and at the same time, I still can’t feel my body. Barely notice the cold air on my bare arms. I did though. I took my hoodie off from around my waist, still not thinking in any coherent way.
“Do you think ever think in feelings?” I don’t know why I ask it, but I do and the words don’t feel like my own.
“I… I don’t know. My feelings became pretty dull long ago.”
I sigh. I should leave. I don’t know why, but I should, and maybe I’ll got to bar and find someone to knock some sense into me. I don’t know. It feels like I’m dreaming. I hate sleeping because I can’t really tell it from reality. Well, that and other reasons but—
“I should go.” I say. I get up and decide to go driving. “Yeah, I should go somewhere else.” I say it more to myself than the man next to me.
“Don’t do anything too stupid. It’d be bad if anything happened…” Eddie mutters. A stranger’s way of saying he’d care. He’s wrong for thinking that. I deserve everything I got.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I can’t stay still.” I hadn’t meant to say that out loud but I say almost everything I think. “I think I figured it out, though. I don’t exist, but no one else does either!” I say it like a punchline. A finger guns moment before I jog away. I’m such a weird person, and once upon a time, I would’ve cared what he thought but I’m so painfully in my head that I can’t think about that.