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The space of the long hospital hallway feels crampedˏ almost suffocatingˏ as Alan paces the length up and down over and over again in an ever repeating motion. He is attempting to distract himself. He is attempting to make time move faster and block out the muffled screams of pain he can hear through the sterile white walls. Most men would have stepped out for a smokeˏ or perhaps even a strong drinkˏ long ago. Alan cannot even think of leaving the hall itself. Alan does not even know how long it has been. He hadˏ at one pointˏ been watching the clock on the wall and counting each singular tick with the attention of a hawk. Nowˏ he finds himself unable to focus on anything at all besides you and the child.
The child. The thought still makes Alan feel a strangeˏ indescribable warmth and tingle in his chest. It is one of the few things he has been unable to decodeˏ one of the few things he has been unable to crack. The feeling is too strongˏ too complex and complicated even for him. It is built of preparation and love no doubtˏ but nervousness and insecurities also manage to slip through the cracks. He worries about it all sometimes.
He worries about how he will be as a father.
But even in spite of his fearsˏ Alan has never felt an ounce of regret for the decision he made on that bench. He does not regret standing at the altar and speaking his vows as you stood in front of himˏ clothed in a modest and simple white dress that flowed outwards around your waist in order hide the small bump that had been growing more and more visible. He does not regret purchasing the small cottage for the two of you to live in togetherˏ to raise the child in together as an inconspicuous married couple to outsiders. He cannot find himself to regret a single thing.
Alan pauses in his aimless strides and all but throws himself down onto one of the stiff chairs lining the wall. He breaths a heavyˏ shaky sigh as he tucks his head into his palms and threads his fingers through his chestnut hair in a desperate attempt to self soothe. His hands pause in their strokes when he hears your muffled screams from the birthing room come to a slowing and quieting halt. Insteadˏ the sound is replaced with something new; cries that sound far too high pitched and demanding to be from an adult.
Minutes pass and Alan does not move an inch. He is almost too afraid to. The sounds of bustling in the birthing room are muffled through the walls and the squeaking cries begin to quiet down. Alan almost does not even hear the hospital room door click open beside him. The thoughts rushing through his mind almost manage to block out the sound of a nurse stepping out and calling his name. The gentle call of “Mr Turing?” makes his head snap up. He rises up from the uncomfortable chairˏ standing to attention at the speed of light. With a nervous clear of his throatˏ he speaks. “Yes. That is me.” He statesˏ though the hall is clear of any other people aside from him and nowˏ the nurse. She offers him a kind and knowing smileˏ gesturing toward the room with her arm. “You may see her now.” Alan nodsˏ wiping the thin sheet of sweat from his palms onto the thighs of his tweed suit trousers. “Right then. I suppose I shall.” He utters a quiet “thank you” to the nurse as he slips past her and through the doorˏ letting it drift to a slow close behind him.
Stepping inside the roomˏ his gaze almost immediately snaps onto you. Exceptˏ you are not alone. There is a smallˏ blanket bundled figure resting against the bare skin of your chest. His breath audibly hitches in his throat at the new sight. You look up at the soundˏ a tired but warm smile spreading across your exhausted face. You gesture him forward with a gentleˏ welcoming nod of your head. “Alan… come here. Come see her.” His eyes widen and brighten in almost childlike surprise and excitement at the casual deceleration of the gender. The sight makes you chuckle before wincing slightly at the sharp pain it brings to your sensitive lower half. Somehowˏ he had known it would be a girl. He had been so sure of it throughout all of the months.
Alan approaches the hospital bed with hasty steps before almost skidding to a halt at the foot. An overbearing wave of nervousness and unsure feelings washes over him once more and drenches his previous excitement to see her. Your eyes softenˏ observing his familiar mannerisms with a knowing understanding. “Take your timeˏ Alan. She is not going anywhere.” He huffs a quiet laughˏ casting a shy smile down at you and then at the baby. “Wellˏ I would hope not. That would be rather unfortunate and quite unexpected.” He responds. You watch as he inches closer in towards the edge of the bed until at lastˏ he stands right beside it and wrings his hands together. “Sit down.” You whisperˏ patting the inch of space beside you with your free hand as the other strokes along the blanketed back of your newborn. “Of course.” Alan nodsˏ swallowing thickly.
As if sensing his presenceˏ the baby coos a softˏ quiet and comfortable sound right as Alan takes his place. His blue eyes light up with interest and surprise at the soundˏ locking onto the infant with a look that holds profoundˏ indescribable warmth and love. “It is a girl…” he confirmsˏ in slight disbelief and more to himself than to you. “It is. You were rightˏ again. Perhaps you should trade in the codes and machines for gender guessing.” You tease. Alan shakes his head with a smile that holds both pride and a strange kind of bashfulness. “She looks so… small. Is she supposed to be that small? Perhaps I should take her measurements and compare-” “Alan.” You interrupt. “Do not start fretting like that. You will scare yourself. She is fineˏ the nurses have checked her.” You insistˏ shaking your head with a sweet grin at how his protective observations and loving concerns for her are revealing themselves in full so soon and so strong.
Alan nods once moreˏ leaning in closer towards the baby with a slow and timid paceˏ as if approaching a wounded animal. “She is rather beautiful.” He brings his index finger up to stroke across her cheekˏ observing the way her eyelashes flutter. “She looks so much like you.” He adds. You note the way his hand is trembling against her rosy skin. Even with her eyes closedˏ she reaches out blindly and wraps her own tiny hand around his finger. Alan pausesˏ his whole body stiffening like a statue as he stares down at her hand that is clasped around his finger. “Wonderful strength and motor skills too.” He breathesˏ a shaky and watery sound that betrays his attempt to sound composed at the sudden connection. You watch as his intelligent eyes glaze over with a shining sheet of tears that threaten to spill over.
You bring a hand up to stroke his shoulder through the soft material of his tweed blazer. “You knowˏ it is quite strange.” You beginˏ glancing between him and your slumbering daughter. “What is?” Alan questionsˏ though his gaze remains stuck on the baby. “She kind of looks like you. Her nose is so much like yoursˏ see?” You move your hand away from her back and brush it across her nose that looks a spitting image of his own. Alan smiles and snifflesˏ caressing the top of her small hand with his thumb. “Poor thing.” He repliesˏ but his audibly awe struck tone says otherwise about his true thoughts on the observation.
Minutes pass as the two of youˏ or more so three of youˏ sit in the small hospital bed. The air around you is warmˏ light and sugary with the simple bliss of new life and new love. Alan does not tear his eyes away from the infant. His gaze is speckled with an almost scientific curiosity that strengthens whenever she makes even the slightest sound or movement. You break the comfortable silence with a quiet question. “Do you want to hold her?”
Alan goes stillˏ recoiling backwards by the smallest amount. Thenˏ he leans forward and settles again with a heavy sighˏ the sound of him forcing all of his worries and insecurities to the very back of his mind and overcoming them for the moment. “Yes. Yesˏ I think I would rather like to hold her.” He respondsˏ holding his calloused hands out in an awkwardˏ unfamiliar cupping motion over the bed. “Hold your hands like this so that you support her head.” You lean inˏ taking his hands into yours and fixing the position before carefully placing your daughter into his hold and guiding him to hold her in the crook of his arms. Almost immediately upon feeling her weight and warmthˏ two tears spill over from his eyes and trail down his pale cheeks. Your eyes softenˏ watching them roll as his hands are occupied and cannot wipe them away. “Ohˏ Alan.” You startˏ reaching in and brushing the clear droplets away with the pads of your thumbs. “I apologiseˏ this is rather silly of me-” “Not at allˏ Alan.” You cut him off with a gentleˏ reassuring sternness. “She is so lightˏ like a single feather.” He glances at youˏ beginning to instinctively rock the baby in his arms without even realising it. “Have you decided on a name for her?” Alan asks.
The two of you had discussed so many names together. There seemed to be so manyˏ almost too many names to choose from. You had never made a decision. Not before this moment. Not before you had her and saw her. “Alice. Her name will be Alice.” You answer him with a warm smileˏ watching Alan as he studies her smallˏ sleeping face. No doubt taking in and memorising every minuscule detail there is to see. His lips twitch even further upwards at the name. It is one that had come up more than once in your previous discussions together. It is the one that he had always been the most fond of. “Like Alice In Wonderland.” He whispers. There is a certain childlike wonder in his tone that makes your chest tighten at the knowledge of how he has been treatedˏ of how he would be treated if people knew the truth of your marriage.
You watch as he moves his head down towards Aliceˏ brushing the tip of his nose against her own much smaller one in a sort of Eskimo kiss. “Wellˏ I will never let you fall down any rabbit holesˏ little Alice.” She coos in response to the feelingˏ scrunching herself deeper into the warmth of the blanket and the safety of his arms. “I never thought I couldˏ or even wouldˏ have this.” Alan reveals to you. “I never thought I even wanted it; something so common and average for what society expects of us as humans.” He continuesˏ his voice wavering and trembling with clouding emotion. “But nowˏ I feel that I cannot imagine much else at all. It is entirely complex and I do not quite understand it but-” he reaches over with a free hand and takes yours after a moment of unsure hoveringˏ squeezing it once. “-I cannot imagine it with anyone else but you. Our… complications suit each other rather wellˏ if I may say so.” His lips twitch with a bittersweet smile before he continues. “I promise that you and Alice will be protected from it all. No matter what may happen.” He clears his throatˏ breathing out with relief when you squeeze his hand back. “I knowˏ Alan. I know.” You whisperˏ tracing the faint ink stains on his hand as he settles down more beside you on the hospital bed.
In the momentˏ neither of you spare even an ounce of attention to anything or anyone outside of your little bubble within the private hospital room. There are no skin prickling worries of the truth being found out. There are no fears of the war that still rages on. There is only the comfortingˏ safe warmth of two complicated souls and a new one that has brought them together like never before.