Chapter Text
20th January, 2021.
"If I lost all my memory, what would you tell me about us?"
The lights blinked slow. Every corner of the room mourned in pain. Teetee was sat on the hard white mattress, staring outside the window like he was thinking. Remembering. Or trying to do that, at least. The food in his peripheral vision was no longer steaming; it was cold.
"Dear, are you ready for another shot?" His ritual was broken when the nurse spoke in his soft voice, trying not to startle the already broken boy. Teetee nodded, smiling softly, the corner of his lips dry, and the skin on them falling off. He bit on it, trying to peel it off, but stopped once the warm metallic taste graced his tongue.
Arm out, the nurse looked for another pulse that wasn't already abused and damaged, with a frown on his own forehead due to the pity he felt for the poor soul.
"Did he not come today?" Teetee inquired, barely audible. His voice had gone sore from the lack of use, as if he had forgotten how to speak. The nurse paused in his actions, and then ever so slowly, nodded. He wanted to reassure the boy, but it looked like Teetee was indifferent, for he nodded once and then went back to staring outside again.
The door closed behind him, although he didn't watch the nurse leave, he heard him speak to himself; "Oh, what a pitiful boy.. Wish he remembered." This wasn't new. He had heard the same sentence multiple times.
Sleep. Go to sleep. I need to sleep.
Another new day, another new morning, with no new news. Teetee stood up to fill himself a glass of water, holding his IV drip stand for support, taking a moment or two before walking. The sun shone different today. It was warmer. It was colder. It was harsh and soft at the same time. Teetee loved looking outside the window, it was his own way of enjoying his condition. The scents around him stuffed him to the point of finding an escape in nature, locked up inside the four walls he had no idea how long he had been in.
However, he was okay, he was still hoping. That his friend would come. He hoped to see Por again before the sun set every day. But it had been long - or so he felt that way - since they met again, talked again, been together again. He had no orientation of time or place, he just knew that this was his home, and it was empty without Por.
The door creaked open, Teetee froze. He was here. Por entered the room with heavy steps, like he was carrying all the world’s weight on his shoulders, and his eyes met Teetee’s. The younger’s eyes softened; he was home again. Por, however, looked away, gulping, preparing himself for another heartbreak.
“Here?” Teetee started, and a glint of hope shone in his eyes. Por gulped, again, humming and settling the fruits and food on Teetee’s bed.
“Come here, let’s eat.” He replied, watching Teetee walk faster than his body allowed him to, his hands trembling and legs shaking with the impact of his weight on the floor. The younger rested himself on the bed, cornering his IV stand in its place, and let his eyes rest on the elder. “Do you remember what we talked about the other day, Tee?” A small blush crept up Teetee’s nape, the nickname rang his ears like a melody he wished he never forgot.
“I always remember what we talk about. It’s the only thing I think about every day. When I look outside the window, I’m always thinking about what you say.” Por winced, hearing Teetee’s voice crack with every word he forced out of himself, yet he stayed completely silent, letting the younger one finish, thinking to himself how their lives took a turn like this.
“You’ve lost more weight.” Por quietly noted. “Are you eating all your meals?” He questioned as he stabbed the fork into the fish, lifting it up against Teetee’s dry mouth. “Eat, then I’ll bring you more water and moisturize your lips.”
“You’re nagging again.” There was no malice, Teetee was smiling fondly. “Keep nagging like this at me. Okay?” His own voice betrayed his intentions, and he coughed hoarsely, chest heaving with the impact of the sudden force. “W-water..” He managed to speak out. His lips tasted the warmth of the liquid while Por kept his hand still against his neck, not with force, but rather fear of losing.
“You never take care of yourself, do you?” It wasn’t a question, and Teetee knew better than to answer it.
They sat in the silence for a while. The sun started shining brighter, hasher, warmer. “What’s on your mind? Can you tell me?” Their eyes locked, and Teetee sighed when he saw Por’s fill to the brim. “Are you thinking about what I said earlier? I didn’t mean it, you know?” He was lying, and both him and the black-haired boy knew that. “But I don’t want to lie to you. You know me better than I know myself. So, you’ll never believe me even if I try to lie.”
“What about death fascinates you, Teetee?” It was a question Por asked for the very first time since Teetee met him – or so how he remembered the boy – and it made him speechless. “You asked me to tell you what I’d do if you lost all your memories, what I’d tell you, about us. Do you want to know my answer?” He wasn’t holding back today, like he usually did. Teetee did not know how to respond to a Por who talked like that with him. So, he nodded, barely visible, but Por caught it, and let out a held-back sigh.
“You don’t remember how we met, no?” He started, déjà vu hitting close to his mouth. They’ve talked about this before. “I’ve narrated it so many times, you obviously memorised what I said, but for me, I’m living it every day. I dream of it, you know? I hope to meet you like that again, like the first day we met.” The sight of Por tugged at Teetee’s chest painfully. Por – all nervous and fidgeting with his hands, scratching his finger nails unconsciously like his habit that Teetee had memorised after meeting the boy twice, a wistful smile gracing his plush lips that had lost their pink colour and now appeared almost as white as his own – cleared his throat before continuing,
“If I hadn’t seen you on the swing that day, I would have never found you. You looked pulled deep into thoughts. Thoughts only you could hear, a soft smile gracing your lips, and your hands playing an invisible piano on the metal chains. You found me staring at you and called me over, shared your swing with me and pushed it to make me laugh. That was the first time I had ever ridden a swing.. It’s crazy. All 17 years of my life, I never knew a playground swing could be this much fun. Then you moved away from behind me, to watch me laugh and smiled wider at me. Tee, I wish you hadn’t done that. I wish you hadn’t given me the swing that day. For the moment I saw your genuine smile, I knew I would hold onto you for my dear life. And so, we grabbed a sandwich after our little fun, and talked about everything. I got to know you studied Commerce, but talked about your love for dance and music. I learned that you knew how to play the piano, how you taught yourself how to dance, but how you never auditioned anywhere because you didn’t have the confidence or trust in your abilities. That wasn’t it though. When we talked about me, I had no idea what to say that might impress you about me. So I made up a story about how I wrote poetry and my favourite subject was love, where I imagined different people and wrote from their perspectives. So, you asked me to write you one. Tee, I wished you hadn’t said that. It was embarrassing to admit, but I actually tried writing something that day, mm?" He refused to meet Teetee’s eyes, but could feel the soft pair stuck on him.
All that while, Teetee listened, did not move an inch, and imagined how Por would have looked younger. Would he have that scar on his neck? Would he have looked softer than he did today? Would he have been taller than Teetee was? Endless questions fogged his mind, he shook his head violently, wincing silently at the pain that shot up his head suddenly, and pressed his eyes shut to hear Por’s soft, soothing sound ease his ail.
Nothing misses the eyes of Por. Not when it comes to Teetee. He stood up to grab the cold food from the edge of Teetee’s bed, and sat beside the boy himself, grabbing the skinny pair of hands in his own, tracing every bluish-brown nerve, biting his upper lip to stop himself from saying hurtful words to the already hurt Teetee.
“You’ve always been the sunshine in my life, Tee. You’ve always been the first and last thought of my day since we were 17. What happened to you, Tee? I can’t bear to see you like this... Can you come back to me? Can you not leave me here all alone? I can’t lose another part of me. I can’t lose... You.” He managed to look up from their hands and stare deeply into Teetee’s brown orbs, pouring out all his remaining emotions he thought he couldn’t say through words.
“Read it to me.” Teetee spoke. Por’s eyebrows furrowed, prompting an elaboration from the latter. “The poetries you’ve written for me. Please.”
“I.. Tee,” Por gulped, he did not know how to say this. They were too obvious, his poetries about Teetee were a mini-fanfiction of their own. A little world of fiction Por lived in and dreamed to live for real someday.
“Please.. I want to listen to them before-” He clasped his mouth shut when he felt a merciless squeeze on his freshly dripped hand. “I mean, I want to listen to them so that I can always replay them when you’re not here with me.” He finished, carefully articulating every word, eyes watching Por’s reaction like a kid asking their parents for something they know can trigger their parents.
After a pondering for a while, Por let out yet another sigh, “I wrote this thinking of you, how if we had met differently, when we were older, if circumstances were different, and if..” He trailed off, not wanting to hint any further. He hoped Teetee was stupid, wouldn’t read too much into, wouldn’t remember, wouldn’t replay it like he says he would. But he also hoped for Teetee to ask him what it meant, to hold his hand properly and give an response in affirmative, to let Por know that he wasn’t the only one feeling this way. “Just.. listen.. Okay?”
“you wore white yesterday
it was a thin shirt in this cold winter
or maybe it wasn't since i could only take a glance
you were talking to your friends as usual
with your leg stuck out
how are you feeling today?
did you notice me pass by?
i remember the first time i saw you
you had a similar off-white shirt on you,
blue headphones round your neck
i instantly thought you looked cute
so i approached you
you looked at me when i asked what the password to the wifi was
then when i didn't get it, you connected yours to mine
all the while i was trying to get how that worked,
i could feel your piercing gaze on me
we were close, so close
and then i looked up, confused
why were you looking at me like that?
did i do something wrong?
did i not look okay?
do you not like me at all?
you looked annoyed, i didn't like it
but i understood i should go
so i did, rushed in a hurry with a thank you
thinking i would never see you again
but oh lord, little did i know
seeing you everyday after that was something i had never imagined
Every. Fucking. Day.
it was annoying. i didn't like it
i wanted to get away from you
cause you didn't like me
and slowly i was coming to, too
then it suddenly stopped as your stupid cute face started to grow on me
and i'd find ways to see you
memorizing when exactly you came,
sitting in places you would do
read a book in front of you, pass by you
what did i not do?
what did i not do to make you look at me?
i did everything i could do
then it finally happened
you spoke to me again
i heard your voice that first day
i was eager to hear it again
it's different that i embarrassed myself
but who cares, i saw you look at me after my class
you were injured, your leg broken
you sound so cute oh boy
and i don't even know your name
i've thought about you as someone i'd like to be friends with
someone i want to get to know
but i realized you'd be leaving soon
and that it's better not to get too attached to you
so,, hey my crush from september
i hope now i get over you
but in case, if, if only i don't
i hope you think about me like this too.”
This time too, Teetee just listened. More like, he was speechless. Por had a way with words, he could feel the verses in his every being. They were beautiful. He was beautiful, the way he narrated was… beautiful. If he ever wished for anything, it was that he could remember every second of this moment for the remaining time of his life. He wished he never forgot the way Por started with sounding so unsure, licking his lips after every stanza, how his hands scraped off the skin on his nails, how he adjusted his seating position multiple times, how his face glowed differently when he confessed his love for the boy in the poetry, how a small smile played across his now pink lips when he read the last line, going silent for a long moment before his teary eyes met Teetee’s in a silent prayer, asking- no, begging to be held, to be reassured, to be given validation, to hear a “yes”. His heart burned with an unfamiliar feeling when he imagined Por falling in love with someone else, another boy he met when he grew older, looking shy yet making his move so boldly around him, growing irritated with him yet wanting to see him every day, living each day wanting to see him again and becoming successful. His heart started doing flips and every inch of his body burned with unbearable heat when he thought about Por with someone else, someone who was not him, and he wished he died before seeing that. He wished that wouldn’t ever happen even after he died. Because the image of watching Por in love with someone other than him consumed his entire being with an unexplainable feeling he never felt before today – at least not so intensely.
“Tee..” Teetee didn’t need another second to hold Por close. He did not care about how painful it was to bend over his stomach and hug the other, breathing in his freshly bathed scent that lingered around him like daisies and sunflowers in their prime, he could be least bothered with the way the hug was not even a proper one. He just wanted Por to know he wasn’t alone. Not right now, not as long as Teetee was alive.
“You wrote beautifully. I’m so honoured to have listened to such a beautiful prose, thank you for pouring it out to me. And most of all, thank you writing it.” He spoke in a muffled tone, his head buried in Por’s hoodie. “Can you tell me what you named it? When you wrote it?” He questioned, but not demanding, rather curious and hopeful to get Por out of the miserable state he currently was in after reading his heart out.
“The Boy Who Doesn’t Know About Us…” Por lifted his right hand to reach Teetee’s head and stroke his short locks, hands frozen in mid air when he felt them cling onto his hand and fall down as he pulled away. He did not mention it, but he looked away, his heart breaking even more. “I wrote it 3 years ago… A year after we met. By that time, I was already writing diligently, most of them inspired by.. You” He blushed, shifting his posture back, making an effort to stand up since the sun was about to set. “I have to leave now..” he hurriedly brushed his sweaty hands against his pants and took for the door, not giving Teetee a chance to object.
“Oh..” A soft sound made him pause in his tracks. Teetee sounded disappointed. Por did not know what to do about it. Contemplating whether or not he should turn back, his impulse took over and he shut his eyes tight, letting his feet guide him back to Teetee and he paused, letting one of his eyes open as he leaned into Teetee’s space, before closing them again. It was a silence he did not know how to deal with except doing one thing. The voice inside his head was too loud, and he needed it after the intense emotions he just felt. So, he did it. He pressed his lips flat against Teetee’s, neither of them making an effort to move, both frozen in their places, both afraid to do anything that could make this moment disappear, before Por felt Teetee open his mouth slightly, pressing against his lips even more. His eyes opened in a sudden shock, he didn’t think Teetee would be staring right into them, his gaze a mixture of desperation and fear. Move away, he told himself. And he did. He broke the moment and left the room without a word, without looking back again.