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Maybe..
Maybe Kei was right. Why am I still pretending to save her, when deep down—I'll do my wrongdoings again? That I'll become that selfish person once more?
It hurts.
It hurts so much. I just want to disappear at this point.
...
What do you think of yourself, Rayne?
I can't even call myself a human being—I'm just like one of those vultures feeding on humanity, taking what it needs and leaving immediately.
The whispers of the lives I've left will forever haunt me. They'll curse at me, hoping that I die the next day.
I’ve lived as nothing but a disgrace—someone who probably doesn’t even deserve the chance to change. I’ve done so many things… too many things that I don’t think a normal person could ever forgive.
You’re returning to the same place again… the one you wanted to leave behind. Does it feel familiar?
You’ve finally said it out loud. All those thoughts you’ve been carefully stepping around, all the things you buried beneath excuses like ‘survival’… you’ve gathered them so neatly and laid them before yourself. Doesn’t it feel honest, at least?
Tobias and Emilia, they..
...
Yeah, that's right. They'll be disappointed in me anyway. Not that they aren't.
Kei's right—changing won't matter at this point. I'm beyond saving.
How cruel you are to yourself. Even now, when you finally understand, you refuse to grant yourself even the smallest kindness. Won’t you feel free by accepting it?
Free..?
..You're right, I'll probably feel free doing that. I'd be running away like I usually do.
Don’t call it that. If you were to run, it would imply cowardice. What you’re describing is release. Imagine this, my child: to let go of all of your worries and pain in The City… don't you feel a sense of freedom admitting to it?
Isn’t that what you wanted when you said you wished to disappear? The end to this endless self-judgment?
But, Emilia and Kei.. Tobias and Robert..
…If I can still feel this pain, then maybe something of me is still alive.
You’re clinging to them as proof of your worth, aren’t you? As long as you remember them, as long as you suffer for them, then maybe you can convince yourself you’re not beyond saving.
But think about it carefully… Are those memories truly theirs anymore? Maybe they are just the versions of them that exist inside you—shaped by your regret, distorted by your guilt, replayed over and over until they no longer resemble the people they once were.
You put it in your diary yourself: "Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were."
My conscience is still alive. Their memories are still alive, as long as I remember their will and conviction as a person, and what they stood up for. And I can assure you, I still remember it as clear as day.
I said I didn’t want to remember—but maybe I need to in order to change.
I think Tobias and Emilia would still root for me, don't you think? They've been nothing but loyal to me. If they were here, they'd be patting my back with a loud smack, saying: "There you are again, moping around. It's not like you, doing that kind of face. But I know that you will carry on as you usually do, right?”
Why do you insist on deciding that for them? You’ve already taken so much upon yourself—your actions, your consequences—and now you want to take their feelings as well? You want to determine what their lives meant, what their deaths meant, and what they would think of you now?
To believe you are the sole judge of everything that has ever happened around you… that’s a very lonely way to live, my child.
If they mattered to you, then why must their meaning end with your self-condemnation? Why must they only exist as something that proves you were wrong?
Don't twist my words like that.. that's not what I meant. I was a horrible person, and I've wronged them so much in the past that I failed to realize now. That part is very much true.
However…
That doesn't mean that the ending of their existence ends with my guilt. I don't want to look back in regret; I want to look back with happiness. To know that their presence alone just made me happy, and to know that at least I was happy once.
That will be something I will carry within myself, no matter how many times I break.
Sure, dwelling on the past will drown me in grief… but I have my other peers—the Sinners—to snap me out of it. They're reliable people, and people whom I care about.
…
I am a mosaic of every person I ever loved in my life.
To deny it is to deny myself. Who am I, if I wasn't shaped by them?
They would die for nothing if I did run away, and just by forgetting their names is something I fear deeply.
..It's dark and foggy, but I can still walk forward..
Maybe I am filth. Maybe I don’t deserve a second chance. But if I keep running, and if I give up now—then they really died in vain.
Those haunting screams that I hear from the agents I've left to rot will always haunt me. Those memories of dead bodies strewn up in the hallways will always haunt me...
I’ve been nothing short of a stain on everything I’ve touched. But even so… that’s exactly why I have to change—both for the people I care about, and for myself. I don’t want to let Tobias, Robert, or Emilia down… nor the Sinners… nor who I’m trying to become.
Listen to yourself. Even now, when you speak of change, you tie it to others. You say you must become better for them, so you won’t disappoint them, and so their deaths won’t feel meaningless. Even now, when you speak of change… I hear other people in your words more than I hear you.
Isn’t that just another kind of cage? One that you built yourself out of expectations and fear?
The freedom you speak of… can it be really called freedom when you disregard what other people feel?
That is only selfishness, the very being I am now. I did say it was for them just now… but no, it isn't true. If I walk away now, I won’t be able to live with myself.
Haha.. ironic, isn't it? It sounds selfish, but in this new path, I can do something about it instead of pushing others away, ultimately missing chances of strangers turning into people whom I deeply cherish walking in my life. Pushing others away will just make me lonelier than ever.
If you truly wanted to be free… you could let all of that go. You could stop trying to become someone worthy and simply accept who you are right now. The truth is, you will be the one who will do so again, when it matters.
I know that changing is a double-edged sword… It's a process that hurts me, but it's rewarding in the end. But.. I don’t know if it’ll make me better. I don’t even know if I can change. I’m certain of one thing, however: I know doing nothing keeps me the same—and I can’t stand that anymore.
I want to live, and see my life with my own eyes. I want to see how my peers around me smile and laugh when I'm around. I want to see that same warmth I had, but pushed away before…!
If I have to suffer as I walk on this new path… if I have to carry their screams until it drowns me—then so be it! I'll let those memories cut me up again and again as I tread on the path I choose!
It's the consequences of my own actions, and I have to face them, one way or another...
And even if I find myself in a moment of darkness, where I'd let myself stay in the deep depths of loathing—I'd choose to move forward, like I always did in the past, and like I always do in the present...!
So… you’re choosing to keep it the pain and the weight it gives you.. all of it. You believe there’s something within it that gives your life shape, don’t you?
Yeah, I am choosing to keep the pain. If I throw it away… then what’s left of me? Just someone who got away with it? I can’t live with myself if I did, because guilt will catch up, gnawing at my throat—just like now.
Like everyone says, life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. There will be times that I am clouded with misery, but I know that I will move forward.
There's this phrase I've always repeated… The sun rises tomorrow, no matter what. It will always be there, seeing the sins I have created in the past and present. It comforts me a little bit, knowing that I have all the time in the world to move on.
My child… tell me this. When that weight finally crushes you, when those screams become too loud to bear, will you still call that ‘your path’?
Ha.. well, you're one persistent person.
It's up to me if I want to change. And I'm taking advantage of that.
…I see.
So you've made your decision.
Very well, my child. If that is the self you wish to affirm… then I won’t take it from you.
This path I want to walk on is thorny, cold, and maybe even scary, but I don't think I should be afraid of it when I remember what my childhood friends believed in. I know that I'm not alone in this, because I have people to support me in every way; people who I trust, and people who I care about.
From now onwards, I'll walk, even if I'm barefoot, bearing the weight of my sins on my back and the many lives I’ve sacrificed..
This time, I won't run away, even if it means facing myself!