Archive of Our Own

There was a neat envelope waiting for him on the table. Among all the chaos it looked like it belonged somewhere else, like someone placed it here by accident, maybe mistook the tent. He picked it up cautiously, holding it in two hands with unusual gentleness, the same way he always treated pictures drawn by kids. A knife slid out of his sleeve and he pressed the blade along the edge of the envelope. He hesitated before reaching inside, remembering a conversation he had with Illuga a few minutes before they departed.

“Will you miss me, dear Captain? You can always write to me.”

“If you promise to appreciate these letters at least a little then I might write you one or two.”

“I’d be honoured, I’ll bring them back exactly in the same state as you sent them.”

“I doubt that.” 

Lohen turned around, waiting for anyone to bother him, anticipating Varka’s barging inside at any given moment. It took him a while to realise that if the letters arrived today, then Grand Master might be busy with his own. Lohen smirked and secured the flaps of the tent with rope. He took off his coat, finding his arms unbearably sore after the morning fight. He noticed a small cut on his biceps, but a memory of getting hurt was blurry. He wiped it roughly with gaze and put a bandage over the wound, forgetting about the stinging completely once he laid his eyes on the letter. He lowered himself on the makeshift bed and took out the paper, folded twice, perfectly even. As expected.

Did he have too high hopes? Maybe Illuga only wanted to tease him and he’ll open it and see four lines scolding him for being naïve.

Contrary to what he thought, the paper was filled to the brim, lines were tight but handwriting easy to decipher. At first he only observed it, didn’t read, studied the penmanship, the way Illuga made capital letters resemble those from the books, and how neat the loops in his lowercase looked. Lohen never valued aesthetics, he prioritised practicality, but somehow this letter charmed him in a way he couldn’t explain. When was the last time he even got any addressed to him? And not to the Vice Captain of the Fifth Company?

Dear Lohen,

May the winds be blessed for they brought the letter to your hands. Hopefully at least a portion of it as the weather truly hasn’t spoiled us for a while. The rain falls sideways and the wind blows all-ways. That’s my last attempt on any pun so don’t ask me again.

I hope you’re doing well and the campaign continues without any struggles. I also sincerely wish you’re not the reason for any.

Have you been sleeping? Have you been eating well? I could never fall asleep after a long fight, no matter how spent I was. Get some rest when you can so Grand Master worries less and doesn’t have to force you to bed, be a responsible young adult for once. 

There is a little envelope within the big one. Don’t sniff it, it’s a valerian root I dried and powdered. If you have trouble sleeping, add a little to your water before lying down. It should soothe some thoughts and an uneasy stomach. If you don’t need it, feel free to give it to somebody else who might. 

You’re missed, stay safe and sound,

Illuga

Lohen held the letter for too long and the paper wrinkled where his fingers gripped it. For the first time in ages, his mind was silent. As if the words caught and dragged him to a quiet place, somewhere far away from the battles. He reached for the envelope again and found another one inside. He didn’t notice it at all at first so now he fished it out with curiosity. He put it under his nose to check the scent when Illuga’s voice rang in his mind. Don’t sniff it.

He straightened his back, looked around to check if the man wasn’t anywhere close and then looked at the powder. It looked normal. Like any other. But Illuga prepared it with him in mind so it could be horrible and Lohen would still use it. 

A little to his water? He grabbed the bottle and poured some inside before mixing it well.

***

Dearest Illuga,

I’m no poet so I’ll simply hope the letter was delivered to you even though the messengers tend to not give a shit about their job here. I would like to get them, but I would have to stand in line. 

Grand Master claims I cause him less problems than usual so you can sleep soundly. You probably know that from his small amount of complaints in the letters he so religiously sends to Flins. I think Flins would be flattered knowing that yesterday even dandelion wine wasn’t enough to distract Grand Master from writing.

The wind stopped blowing a week ago so now it’s scorching hot and moist in the air, you wake up like after a shower. As to why I’m not using my vision to soothe the discomfort - I already use it too much on the battlefield and if I keep doing it for longer my fingers will freeze off. I’m eating unwell and sleep even worse, but when we’re done here I’ll catch up on both.

The powder you sent me I appreciate, but two people had to drag me out of bed in the morning and I’m not sure if that was a highlight of their day (it surely wasn’t mine).

How have you been? And how’s your bird doing?

Lohen

The letter ended up in Illuga’s hands a few days late since it was addressed to arrive at home, not the lightkeepers’ base, and the messenger wasn’t in the mood for looking for the Captain. Illuga looked at the envelope that was clear evidence of postal system misconduct and had seen better times. His name was right by the sketch of a stickman with a yellow bird, as if Lohen didn’t believe in messengers’ literacy. 

“Master Illuga, did you befriend a Mondstadian artist when I was absent?”

“Mr. Flins, I highly recommend you focus on that circuit Miss Aino asked you to fix.” Illuga squinted his eyes at the man sitting next to him on the bench.

“She’ll be more than happy to fix it herself once she finds me miserable. She’s a noble soul.”

“Be a noble student and at least pretend you’re trying.” He sighed and looked down at the piece of paper again. Lohen’s letters were sharp, but the moisture from the air seemed to seep into the words, making it slightly blurry where the ink lingered. Once Flins leaned over his shoulder, Illuga immediately folded the letter and his cheeks turned pink. 

“Excuse me? Haven’t you been taught that it is impolite to read other people’s correspondence?”

“I merely took a look at the artist’s aesthetic.”

“Handwriting aesthetics?”

“A very abstract approach, hm?” He turned into flame before Illuga managed to swat him. Illuga reached his hand for the envelope to safely put the letter away, but Aedon was sitting on it and gazing at the little sketch of himself. The nightingale raised his head at Illuga as if asking ‘is that me?’ 

“Yes, it’s you.” The bird seemed visibly content with that and sat on the envelope for good so Illuga had to let him have it.

***

Lohen barely found the way back to the tent after Varka forced him to join his alcohol endeavours. Tomorrow they were supposed to move further south and Lohen wasn’t assigned as a guard so Grand Master found him to be a perfect companion for a drink. He never had much consideration for Lohen’s smaller and lighter silhouette that would easily drown in the amount of wine Varka consumed. He treated him as his equal and it was the only moment Lohen regretted Grand Master not caring about formalities. If it only didn’t befit the leader to fraternize with lower ranks he wouldn’t already feel the hangover hovering over him like a curse ready to bite into his flesh.

He passed out once his head hit the pillow and in the morning he woke up to an intense chirping of birds that for some reason chose his tent as the concert location. He opened his eyes, barely recognising where and when he was, too scared to sit up in case it overthrew the peace in his stomach. He gently rolled to the other side and heard something crumpling under the head. Did his neck let out that symphony of small clicks? He wouldn’t be surprised as it was horribly stiff for the past few days, but then he reached his hand to check on it, and found the envelope he slept on.  

Was it there yesterday? Or did someone deliver it to him today? What was the day today? It must have been someone from the knights and he suspected Grand Master the most. Nobody wanted to disrupt his sleep after he threw a tantrum two weeks ago when the knights kicked him out of bed and he fell to the ground. Getting into proximity of his bed was dangerous, leaving anything in it? Even worse.

He quickly assessed damage he did to the envelope after rolling on it, but it seemed fine. He reached for the knife hidden under the pillow without moving too much as it caused immediate vertigo.

Dear Lohen,

Firstly, Aedon is doing okay and was very appreciative of the drawing. I’m not lying, he watched as if it was a museum exhibit.

I understand what you meant by offending the messengers, but try to be more considerate of other people. Sometimes it’s worth being polite (since they tend to prioritise you later or lower the prices).

I’ve been doing fine, my portion sizes are still a bit off since you and Grand Master no longer visit. I had to manage some leftovers, it would be perfect if I could send them off to you. Unfortunately if you keep being mean to your messengers they might not want to deliver even the smallest package from Nod Krai to you. Reevaluate your actions.

I’m sorry you’re boiling in your tent every night, maybe the winds will be more merciful in the upcoming time. If the messenger accepted my additional payment, don’t overdo that ointment, but it’ll make you feel cooler at night if you apply it to your forehead and neck. However, you will have to accept smelling like a peppermint for the time being.

Take care,

Illuga

Lohen slowly dragged himself up, mewling at the world spinning around. He was sticky everywhere and he desperately needed a shower, but he wanted to see if the messenger risked abandoning whatever ointment Illuga talked about on the way to their camp. Finally, he found a small jar on the ground next to the bed. He opened the cap and took a sniff that immediately unlocked his sinuses and caused him to cough. The smell was strong, but pleasing if moderately sniffed so he decided to put it away for later. He was in grave need of a shower and he believed nobody would notice if he sneaked out for half an hour to the nearby lake. 

***

This time Aedon was circling around the messenger even before the man fished out the letter from among others and handed it to Illuga. Once again, a bird was drawn on the envelope, bigger and more detailed than last time. Illuga was taken aback. When Flins teased him about the sender’s abstractive approach to the handwriting, he internally had to agree. Lohen’s letters weren’t the textbook example of an official’s font, but the style of his lines betrayed a hidden skill.

“Do you like this one?” He scratched Aedon under the chin and gave him the envelope after he took the letter out.

“Do you let him rip it for a nest?” Nikita’s voice startled him as he didn’t hear the old man approach, too busy with the mail. The old man grinned when he ruffled Illuga’s hair. “Didn’t know he had it in him.” He observed the bird flying around them and then disappearing in the house through a slightly open door.

“No, he doesn’t.” Illuga pushed the door and invited Nikita in. He pointed at the bird placing the envelope by the other one on the shelf. “I believe he likes his portraits.”

“When you were younger he enjoyed watching you draw too.” Nikita reminisced and rubbed Illuga’s back. “Someone drew him for you? That’s a new one, usually the confession letters didn’t contain it.”

Illuga’s cheeks turned a deep shade of red.

“It’s not a confession. It’s an update from the battlefield.”

Nikita raised eyebrows in confusion, which Illuga considered a valid reaction because since when battlefield reports arrived in coloured envelopes?

“Oh? With Aedon’s portrait?”

“Lohen was clearly bored.” At the name mentioned, Nikita let out a hearty laugh.

“Our Captain has a skill to steal the nightingale’s heart? Well, well, well…” He shook his head and ruffled Illuga’s hair once more. “Wish him safe travels from me once you write back.” Excusing himself with preparing a new schedule for the lightkeepers patrols, he decided to leave the boy to his correspondence.

“Sure.” Illuga didn’t try to make him stay, only saw the man off and then rushed back home to curl up on the armchair by the fireplace. Aedon flew closer and settled on the armrest, giving Illuga a curious glance. Only then did the young lightkeeper notice how much he was grinning. He tapped his cheeks forcing himself to calm down and then unfolded the letter. 

My dearest Illuga,

May the ground you walk on forever be blessed because why didn’t I know about peppermint ointments before? Thank you for bribing the messenger to bring it to me.

Did Aedon like the picture? I stole some of Grand Master’s golden ink for that. Yes, I told him about it later, but he only brushed it off. So I guess it wasn’t a big deal.

I would gladly help you out with leftovers struggle, but unfortunately the circumstances aren’t the most favourable. You made me miss your food now, I’ll be hungry for the rest of this campaign until we set food foot back in Nod Krai (I found this a funny spelling mistake so I’m not rewriting the letter).

Since you’re sending me something every time you write I’d like to put something in the letter too. There are only wild flowers around that I can’t tell apart. I pressed a few yellow ones between the documents and maybe Aedon will like them since they’ll be colour matching. 

Any requests? Don’t ask me to find medicinal herbs for you though, if we start testing them it might end up horrible and people will die.

Lohen

Illuga looked up at Aedon who kept a flower in his beak and seemed weirdly content with it. Of course he got to them first. 

“I feel like you have a quiet admirer.” He chuckled and let the bird keep the flowers, but Aedon shared one with him in the end. “Thank you, but if you like them they can be yours.”

***

It didn’t take Varka too long to notice that Lohen became interested in messengers more than before. Whenever they were getting any mail delivered, that pair of observant eyes was following the messenger almost religiously, only to look away, expression bland, if there was nothing addressed to him. Up until now he was concealing yearning almost perfectly, but when a week passed, it turned into more tense glances.

“Are you expecting anything?” he asked, trying not to make his voice sound teasing, but the other seemed offended.

“No,” Lohen answered dryly and stared exactly in the opposite direction. Varka couldn’t help but still see a little irritated kid in him. The one who never did as he was told and had no respect for his elders. His whimsiness easily charmed everyone in Mondstadt even though his character was… oh maybe it was their fault since they gave him a bit too much freedom… Varka saw Lohen frowning and pouting more often than smiling, a little rascal that always had a trick or mischievous scheme in mind, never encountering a person brave enough to stop him from bringing it to life. Maybe until-

“A delivery from Master Illuga.” The messenger sighed as he handed a package to Lohen. Varka blinked. Lohen nodded and put the package to the side like he didn’t care about it. As if Varka hadn’t seen him literally beaming for a split second when he held it in his hands. Maybe Illuga sent some light in the mail as he himself was sunshine in the flesh?

“Won’t you open?”

“I’ll do it later.”

They were currently taking a break on the hill, hidden away from the sun and the opponent’s camp. Varka noticed (quite content) that Lohen was just as tired as he was today. Exhaustion didn’t choose. He tried to push the younger to open the package, but in vain. Lohen only got up and took the object of Varka’s interest to his tent. While he only had only a few more minutes of a scheduled break, he still decided to peek inside. He shook his head when he felt his lips turning up in a smile. Like a kid awaiting birthday gifts. He scoffed. He considered letting the package sit and wait till evening, but since he already started unpacking…

He found a small bag secured with more paper around the edges of the box and a letter placed directly on it. Normally, he would reach for the bag first, but hearing Illuga’s voice in his head when he read the words he put on the page brought him a weird sense of calm.

Dear Lohen,

Aedon is getting too smitten with you so please slow down your affections towards him. He can’t get distracted over a brave Mondstadter somewhere far down south, finding time between fights to collect flowers for him. That’s too much, it will get to his head. He already can’t properly focus on battle. 

(But honestly, please continue, it’s a bliss to watch him happy)

I didn’t know you could draw so well, if I knew I’d ask you to teach kids in Piramida. You already had an eye on them a few times when you were there, but I wasn’t aware you could be actively helping out when they were drawing? Maybe when you’re back? Or are you scared it would hurt your reputation as a local rascal? If it can convince you - I can tell that there’s a pile of paintings and drawings from fans waiting for you in one of the cabinets. Sometimes I also get pictures to give to Grand Master once he’s back. (But your pile is bigger)

I unfortunately can’t send the leftovers to you, but the last time you found apricots in my kitchen you enjoyed them so I’m sending the dried ones as they should not mold or rot during the way. At least I hope they won’t. Don’t eat too many on an empty stomach or they’ll work as laxatives. Use that knowledge up to your liking.

Please come back safe and sound,

Illuga

Ps. Nikita wishes you safe travels.

***

“I’ve heard you paid quite a sum to send a package to the South.” Flins brought up the topic when they patrolled the area around Nasha Town.

“It’s not a service that’s expensive, that’s the messenger’s morals you have to pay for.” Illuga hesitated whether he should send anything edible to Lohen, however the messenger promised nothing would happen to the package if he provided him with a generous compensation for the trouble.

“Hm… Maybe I shall follow your example and prepare something for the Grand Master too. What did you send, if that’s not a secret, Master Illuga?”

“It doesn’t matter. Grand Master wouldn’t be happy with a gift like that, he’d probably appreciate something obviously alcoholic.”

“With all due respect, I doubt it’s a wise choice to send a bottle of wine to a man whose duty is to fight and remain alerted.”

“I think he’s not making many wise choices without you around. You were his best one, and last one.”

“You flatter me, Master Illuga.” Flins sent him a gentle smile. “I dare say in return that you were the only sane choice of the Vice Captain.”

Illuga almost choked on his saliva or maybe his breath if not both at once. Even Aedon swirled around him concerned and Flins needed to pat his back a few times before Illuga’s breathing was back to normal. 

“Don’t say things like that, Mr. Flins,” Illuga choked out, “people might hear you and get a wrong idea, I’m nothing more than an acquaintance of the Vice Captain.”

“I deeply apologise for my assumption then. However, your relationship appeared to exhibit certain… chumminess, as Miss Aino would say.”

“It’s platonic camaraderie at best.” He shook his head vigorously. “I haven’t spent much time with the Vice Captain, we did not have time to become friends.”

“It’s a pity, indeed.” The tone he used made Illuga think he was just making fun of him. 

“Why so?”

“Grand Master claimed you had a good impact on the Vice Captain’s behaviour. He was almost relieved to learn he liked to follow you around, hoping he’d start to adopt your habits.” Flins remembered how Nikita once asked Varka not to pouch Illuga from him. However, in Flins’ humble opinion, it was more probable that Lohen would be pouched from Varka (without much effort) if only Illuga did as much as offered Lohen to join his squad.

“Grand Master wishes for impossible.” Illuga sighed and wiped his face. 

“Nod Krai is famous for the impossible coming true.”

“Who had turned you into such a poet today, Mr. Flins?”

“I’m simply in a mood for some softer words, is that a sin?”

“Not at all.”

Illuga walked back to his house to rest, checking the mail box automatically. He did it daily even though he knew their messenger’s routine by heart by now. Yet he constantly hoped that maybe he missed something on Monday so he would double check on Tuesday and the same happened on Thursday as well as weekends. He waited for the answer from Lohen for eight days already and he, awkwardly, realised it was at least five days too long for him to feel content. He’d gladly receive the reply in a span of an hour and already started searching for a piece of paper and writing another letter to him. He wouldn’t even have to search. Lately, envelopes and pretty paper were constantly sitting on his desk, ready to be used. 

The reply from Lohen arrived the next Monday and when he held the letter, it bent weirdly in his hold. Illuga gave it a curious glance. He hid in his inner coat pocket and waited till evening when he could sit down and read.

Dearest Illuga,

I can finally start with a weather update as it has changed. Nobody can breathe, a rainy season at its finest, truly. When it doesn’t rain, it pours, and when it doesn’t pour it drizzles, and when it doesn’t do any of the above, it manages to torture everyone with water in some way. Grand Master’s hair gets spiky and a little curly so at least he looks funny.

The polearm is sliding out of my hand more than I’d like to so if the letters are more wobbly then that’s the reason. I got cut during a fight. Should I tell you not to worry? If you need reassurance then don’t worry, I’m fine. If my predicament brings you some sort of satisfaction, well, I’m glad to be causing some positive reactions.

Forgive me for I have been a distraction for your companion. Another sketch is in foil in the envelope because otherwise it would smudge all over.

If I have so many fans in the Piramida I just can’t refuse, can I? But I ask, did you put anything in the pile as well?

I’m still dosing your apricots, but I’ll have to finish them fast because there’s no way they can make it in a weather like that. It was a warm taste of Nod Krai, even though I’ve never thought any part of Nod Krai would make me think of warmth, but hey, a land of the impossible coming true or whatever Flins says. Is it even true or did he make it up?

Now that I think about it, there are warm places in Nod Krai. Do you share some ‘it’s cold here’ propaganda so you can keep the amount of newcomers at bay? I've certainly experienced some sunny days in Nasha Town - or was it your company that kept us warm? If so, they don’t call you a ray of sunshine for nothing.

Send wishes to the old man from me too, whatever lightkeepers wish each other? Enlightening? A way with no dimmed lamp? A bright child? The last one he already has.

Did you scoff? I hope you did.

By the way, share a spark of that light with me because it gets pitch dark early and then night feels eternal. Grand Master thinks it must be a spell. 

Lohen

The page felt a little brittle underneath his fingers so he carefully placed it back in the envelope. A drawing actually was protected by a thin foil that seemed to hold some important document before. It even had a small ornament in one corner, but he decided not to care where Lohen got it from.

“Aren’t you curious?” He raised his head, but Aedon was already there on the table, waiting to be shown another drawing. “Do you like it?” He chuckled when the bird took it away to his shelf.

***

Dear Lohen,

Is your hand okay? I believe Grand Master didn’t make you fight in that condition, but did you listen to him? On the contrary to your (low) opinion of me, I’m by no means happy with you being injured. 

(Even if it forces you to sit down and take rest)

If you still didn’t, please do. Hurting muscles and nerves in your hand can affect your dexterity badly. You also didn’t have to draw Aedon, he’d understand you couldn’t.

As for the weather, it’s getting colder and I think you’d appreciate it more than whatever rain havoc you’re experiencing. Also, you remember well, there are some warm spots in Nod Krai during spring and summer, but they’re not as usual as in Mondstadt, or so I think. You flatter me, but I can’t control the weather. I can, however, quite well deal with fire (and I want to remind you that you spent quite some time sitting by it so that’s probably the source for the warmth in your memories).

I thought you wouldn’t have any more apricots left at that time, you have good self-control. Consider me impressed. Since the weather is so awful I don’t think any dried fruit would be a good idea so you’ll have to come back to get some. My treat. For now, even though they don’t look too appetising, try chewing a bite of the roots I’m sending. It’s our northern kind of ginseng. It's not too pleasant in taste, but can help with fatigue. Don’t eat it in the evening though.

I’ll gladly share my light with you,

Illuga 

Ps. Yes, I scoffed.

Lohen believed that small share of light was the main reason he didn’t completely lose sanity when one of their opponents turned out to fight dirty and blew some powder into his eyes. It confused him more than hurt, and he trained too often with his eyes closed to lose his nerves when he could finally check his skills.

If he knew it would happen, he would sift through the old letters the night before, to refresh Illuga’s voice. Now that he had to rinse his eyes at least twice a day and keep them closed for most of the time, the only things that let him manoeuvre around the tent was memory and perception of light. Usually he bumped into something before he managed to feel it with his hand. Their medic claimed it would pass within a few days, depending on the substance used, but considering the damage and pain, it shouldn’t last longer than a week.

“Don’t rely on his scale of pain.” Varka’s voice trembled above Lohen’s head. “Once he was bleeding out and generously decided it was 3 out of 10.”

“I said the experience was 3 out of 10,” Lohen mumbled and heard Varka taking a long inhale through the mouth and a loud exhale through the nose. He sounded like he was about to start meditating, getting himself mentally ready for a talk with the Vice Captain to explain to him the importance of estimating the possible damage of certain injuries and how it could help medics evaluate his state better.

“And how was the pain?”

“2, could be worse.”

“For the record,” the medic cut in, “people generally consider a broken leg to be somewhere between 7 and 8 on the scale.”

“Can you remember for the future? Even on your scale it should be at least 5.5. Add 1 if you’re about to faint.”

“Noted…” Lohen murmured and almost covered his face with his arm, but the medic stopped him so he wouldn’t press on the compress. The back of his nape was slightly aching as well since Varka needed to knock him out after the ambush occurred. Lohen learned to fight blind, not tell apart voices when everyone around him was shouting or screaming. He also mainly heard own heart thumping in his ears which took away another one of his senses, not allowing him to feel safe even when the enemy went silent for good. 

At least he had some decency to feel bad about it and gave Lohen a quick update every day the other spent in the tent, more or less politely. On Friday evening he also brought him two letters that arrived one after another. Varka didn’t want him to try to get rid of the blindfold earlier to read them and he knew better than proposing to read them aloud. The medic let Lohen take it off that morning and so he spent most of the day squinting his eyes and getting irritated over still seeing blurry from afar. At least when he kept the paper close to his eyes he could easily read.

“Just don’t strain your sight too much with poor lighting.” Varka reminded him what the medic said at least twice today, and then he left the tent.

Lohen sighed with relief and opened the first letter. 

Dear Lohen,

If it felt patronising, I apologise. I didn’t mean to offend you. You probably know more about battle wounds than me anyway. Don’t take my concern as a sign of arrogance.

I forgot to mention that Nikita thanked you for your good wishes. He said he’d keep all the lights around the port intact so even if you come back during the night it won’t remind you of the time spent with no lamp on the battlefield.

Stay safe and sound, 

sending some light your way,

Illuga

He smiled at the worry in his tone. He simply didn’t manage to prepare a reply and Illuga already started overthinking what he wrote. Lohen folded the paper and put it closer to his nose. He wished he could feel it once again. The scent from Illuga’s house. A mix of herbal oil and a warm meal. A safety liquified.

He reached for the other one.

Dearest Lohen,

That made him stop. He grabbed the other page and then got up to sift through previous letters. He wasn’t called like that before, and for some reason he couldn’t just continue reading without getting used to how it sounded in his mind. Finally, after repeating it a few times until it was no longer a foreign word, he moved on to the next line.

I deeply apologise, I didn’t think you would be unable to read and write. Flins learned from Grand Master about your current state and then I got a letter myself. Forgive me if I sound like a mother again, are you alright? You probably are if you see this. Grand Master claimed you were so focused on the fight that even without sight you were able to protect yourself. And then attacked everyone who tried to help you. Did he apologise for bonking you in the head? 

(Even though you deserved it for all the trouble you caused him in the past)

If you need anything for your eyes, don’t hesitate to ask, for now I’m sending some medication to you from Miss Moonchanter. She added the instructions so please check them. 

Aedon is missing your drawings, but don’t feel pressured.

Nikita wishes you a quick recovery. 

Stay safe and sound, 

may light guide you,

Illuga

***

Darling,

Since I evolved to dearest, I figured I had to step up my game too. I’m alright, don’t worry, knights cancelled the funeral, we are slowly going back to the routine. A few days' rest never killed anyone and Grand Master wondered how I would bear it, but the truth is that he couldn’t sit still for five minutes when he guarded me. See? You shouldn’t have worried, I had good supervision.

When you can’t see, everything is too loud, but a flock of birds that nestled in the corner of my tent was truly a bliss in that indisposition. And the only noise that didn’t drive me insane. I can’t say what kind of birds they are since the sharpness of sight is still not there, but it would be a nice coincidence if they were nightingales. Aedon is one, isn’t he? Grand Master can’t tell me since the best he can do is tell which bird is a pigeon and which one isn’t. So he wasn’t much help.

How do they sing? 

Hope you’re well,

Lohen

Ps. I believe this sketch is more abstract than others, tell Aedon I apologise.

Pps. Please say my thanks to Miss Moonchater, the herbal compress worked wonders.

***

Lohen squeezed in the last two sentences on the page after trying out the medication from Lauma. He left the tent to hand the letter to the messenger and observe the birds on his own. Unfortunately, Varka seemed to pay a lot more attention to him than Lohen would like to, so he immediately joined him.

“I’m only going to the back of the tent. There’s no need to supervise me all the time.”

“Maybe I don’t want to supervise, only to keep my favorite Vice Captain company.”

“You want to be accused of favoritism?”

Varka ignored the comment. 

“Did Vice Captain hear that other knights start getting jealous over the amount of letters he’s getting?”

“I believe it’s not jealousy, but fear that I’m scheming against them. After all, if the guy was pacified as he should have been by a squad that attempted it twice, I wouldn’t end up blind for a few days.”

Varka only chuckled, but gave him another glance, clearly studying if any part of the suspicion could be true, at least to some extent.

“I don’t think that’s the thing. I heard vividly that you were also quite popular when we were stationed in Nod Krai.” Varka nudged him.

“Was I?”

“You haven’t noticed?”

“I was too interested in Wild Hunt to look for a partner.” Currently he was too interested in the nest of nightingales to glance at Varka. 

“I think you were quite interested in a certain Captain.”

“Work related partnership doesn’t count. He fights well and it would be a waste not to peek at the skill while I have a chance.”

“Of course.”

Seeing he wouldn’t achieve much today in terms of learning about the relationship he had with Illuga, he left Lohen with the birds after wishing him a good night.

***

Illuga was sitting by the table, waiting for the report Flins promised to write. Since they were a bit short on staff lately, he didn’t want to rush him too much. He also didn’t mind spending some more time in silence as his week was filled to the brim with meetings and official conversations he was never too excited about. He gazed at the papers lying around him and spotted a letter from Varka. He only glanced at it, as he did at many others in the past, and looked away. He wouldn’t read it. In full honesty, he was sure he didn’t want to know what they wrote to each other. The only thing he learned while skimming them accidentally, was that Varka always addressed Flins very gently, adorably even.

Love, dearest creature, moon prince, my light…

So dearest was neutral compared to that. Who thought that after he let his emotions slip would backfire in the form of darling? Because why, out of so many neutral possibilities, Lohen had to call him darling? Was it just to make fun of him? He probably could imagine Illuga’s face turning into a tomato and finding it amusing as he was writing the letter. Illuga leaned his chin on the wrist and kept staring at one scratch on the stone block in the wall. When he noticed Flins finished another document, he decided to risk it and ask. 

“Do you address Grand Master in the letters by the title?”

It seemed to surprise the man. He tilted his head to the side and his bright eyes looked even bigger than usual.

“Oh my, where did that curiosity come from?” Flins opened another file and for a moment Illuga thought he wouldn’t tell him anything at all. “Why would you address your dear friends by their titles? They all have beautiful names worth remembering and using, a title adds unnecessary distance. Addressing him by ‘Grand Master’ I save for official correspondence since doing otherwise would stir up unnecessary havoc. In such a situation I would call other people by their titles as well. However, it would be only when the formality demands it.”

“So you do call me ‘Master Illuga’ just to tease me!” Illuga pointed an accusatory finger at him.

“I don’t know where you get that from, Master Illuga. Is that you have trouble addressing dear Vice Captain in your letters that you ask about mine?” The corners of his lips moved up in a soft smile.

“No! I was simply… interested. Forget I ever asked.”

“Now that I think about it, I believe I always refer to Miss Moonchanter by her title, however I just find it rather… fitting, so when I do that in unofficial correspondence I only do it fondly.”

“I see.” As if it was helpful, Illuga nodded his head and tried to keep his composure. 

“If you’re ever troubled, even if not right now, I don’t think the Vice Captain would mind you being less formal with him. As far as I remember, he called you a wide range of nicknames that weren’t your title. Birdie was quite a lovely one.”

“Mr. Flins, as you said, I have a name to use.”

“You didn’t mind, Nikita used to call you ‘Sunbeam’ when you were little.”

“I don’t know why I started this conversation.”

In the end, he decided not to drop the dearest, but it felt wrong not to address Lauma and Nefer more formally even in the letter to Lohen and not Vice Captain.

***

Dearest Lohen,

Aedon loved your sketch as always, don’t strain yourself too much.

It’s good to read you’re doing better and I’m glad the herbs worked too. I didn’t know them too well, but Miss Moonchanter swore for their benefits. Miss Nefer did too. I don’t know if you had a chance to interact with her before, but believe my word that if it comes to eye treatment she truly knows what she’s saying.

They didn’t change colour? Your eyes, I mean. It’s a strange question, I’m aware, but I just thought it would be one of the side effects that could happen. 

Nikita is constantly dropping old man remedies for you, please write back seriously that you’ve tried them:

• eat orange fruits and carrots (I have no idea how you’re supposed to obtain them)

• if you eat fish then always get a fatty one

• cold compress if you’re tired

• get lots of zinc, mostly from shellfish

• greens have a lot of lutein (so turn into a rabbit and eat at a leaf of spinach)

A leaf of greens a day will keep Nikita away. At least for a while. Don’t take it to heart, he feels like he needs to be everyone’s father.

I think you can tell a nightingale apart from other birds even without seeing them because they have a wide range of sounds. They mostly sing at night and love their little whistles that resemble those of most birds and humans. They also have that one sound that resembles aggressively clicking one key repeatedly on the typewriter. Have you ever heard Jahoda’s alarm? There is also one sound like that, also repeated a few times. I don’t know if it was of any help.

If you can’t see the shape well and only the colour then their tail is usually a little darker than the rest of the body. They have grayish reddish brown color, brighter tummy and the tail underneath.

Take care and heal well, I’m sending some light your way,

Illuga

Lohen was never the most devoted believer, but whenever he heard that somebody would pray for his safe journey in Mond, he would feel his chest contract. The same thing happened once he read the last line of Illuga’s letter. He treated him too softly. If Lohen was half as affectionate as Illuga, he would already be considered considerate enough among average people. But he wasn’t, and he doubted he ever would be. Was he too sharp for this gentle soul as well? Did they get along only thanks to the distance between them that made it impossible for Lohen to screw up with improper words and behaviour? He had to rethink the letters. He had time to analyse his replies as well. He was never the type to think and act, rather act and not think and then regret and overthink. Would Illuga stand him for more than a few weeks?

***

Illuga stood under the trees where Aedon showed him a pretty big family of nightingales. They both listened to their song and Illuga wondered if he gave Lohen a good enough description of it. It sounded logical and obvious to him, however he couldn’t close the sound in a jar and sent it to the South. He had to believe in Lohen’s birdsong understanding abilities. 

“Why so pensive?” This time he heard Nikita approaching him slowly. The wild nature always made him more alert than the city. “What are you looking at?” 

Illuga only pointed at the birds in the trees so as not to scare them. Nikita nodded.

“They give us a pretty concert tonight.” The old man commented.

“Feels like a private one.”

“You’re their VIP, I believe.” Nikita smiled at Aedon who took a friendly circle around him before sitting on his shoulder. After they listened to the concert and the melody became a repetitive song Nikita hummed to himself and decided to give Illuga what he came here with. “If it comes to the Vice Captain I’m starting to think he prioritises replying to you over official correspondence.”

“He surely doesn’t.” Illuga accepted the letter, trying to hide his excitement. 

“Mhm.” Nikita smirked and moved his hand to reveal a second letter. Illuga’s heart started beating faster and he accepted another one with reddish cheeks that thankfully were concealed by the evening’s greyish mist. They took a short stroll around before Nikita jokingly announced it was past his bedtime and went to take a nap before the night patrol. 

Illuga curled up under the blanket since the night got chilly and opened the envelope slowly.

Darling,

Firstly, these are surely nightingales. Secondly, why do they hatch so fast? I thought birds were sitting on eggs for ages and not two weeks (at best). Thirdly, everyone might have a new hobby which is observing them in the evening which means I have a lot more company than I’d like to. Grand Master wonders what are we gonna do once we have to move.

I didn’t say it in my previous letter and I don’t want you to go around overthinking insignificant things - you can scold me as much as you want. I didn’t find it belittling or anything. You never did that out of spite or because you hate me. I hope. You don’t? Right?

Nevertheless, Grand Master banned me from the battlefield for the next few days or more (which is a total overkill, really) and I’m stuck in the camp teaching others how to use different types of weapons. Me. Teaching. Horrible decision. You know it, I know it, and Grand Master still repeats the same mistake.

I drew the birds for you, and Aedon for Aedon. Maybe don’t show him these other birds, what would he think of me?

I appreciate Nikita being so thoughtful, it is almost intimidating, have I been adopted during my absence? I’ve tried the remedies according to my capabilities because there are no carrots anywhere, but cold compress and greens are doable and I find them helpful. Tell him I’ll pay for two weeks worth of his visits at Flagship when I’m back.

Stay safe and sound, I can’t share much light with you but imagine me trying,

Lohen

Ps. Don’t laugh at Nikita fathering others, you’re taking after him, a few more years and you’ll be the same, dear. 

Illuga rolled his eyes at the note, but he wondered what would be so important that Lohen sent both of these letters at once. The envelopes had exactly the same dates. 

Darling,

I’m pretty sure I wrote “when I’m back” in the last letter, but Grand Master’s plan seems to push it more into the direction of “if I’m back”. If he asks me to teach any more warriors, I might kill myself before any victory or failure. Can you somehow suggest to him through Flins that I’m better off outside the camp? I’ll cherish you forever then.

With hope, light, adoration,

Lohen

***

Love,

Forgive a short letter as I’ve just sent the longer one yesterday, but gossip reached me that your Vice Captain is unbearably bored. It seemed of grave concern to Illuga so how could I refuse and not write to you? I leave the decision up to you, but I’d like to subtly suggest that maybe you should rethink it. Based on my (I believe right) suspicion, your Vice Captain might have shared with my Illuga some sinister plans to take a little revenge on you and I would very much prefer if you came back unwounded. I can accept you getting hurt in battle, but not being the object of negative emotions of your knights (that you caused yourself).

Let that boy fight as he’s more fiery than you.

I hope this letter finds you resting,

Kyryll

***

Darling

I’ll worship the ground you step on, thank you as I’ve been freed from the jail of these tents. What a good time to be alive. How are you? I feel like I didn’t ask last time and you don’t say if not asked directly so I request a full letter of updates (and then you can come back to telling me you’re worried about me).

With adoration, light and curiosity,

Lohen

***

Dearest Lohen,

If I read the last letter without knowing the sender, I would never guess it was from you. You sounded like a true princess that has been freed from the tower.

I’m doing alright. There’s not much to update on, really. I think you overestimate how much is going on here when you’re absent. Nikita said you had fear of missing out, apparently a very usual malady among current teenagers and young adults. I can’t blame you, I would like to know more about what you’ve been up to too while everything you do probably is too common to mention.

So I’ll try to pretend you had never seen me going through my day and describe it as a novelty.

I get up early, something you hate to do, but I’m rather keen on the morning silence. Lately, Jahoda gave me a small clock that makes bird sounds as an alarm and being woken up like that is a lot nicer. I like to eat breakfast before I need to leave and I take my time making tea and overfocus on it. Does it happen to you? I do everything so slowly, stare at every drop of water that escapes the pot and then I zone out when the leaves brew and colour the water. 

Nikita says I’m hopelessly romantic about my tea, like Flins is about his collection of gems. Well, maybe every lightkeeper has their quirk. 

I realised I have no idea what you eat during time like that, I never had to go on an expedition this long. Here, we (because Nikita likes to come) usually eat something savory. Omelettes or very stuffed sandwiches if the bread is fresh. Sorry if I’m getting you hungry.

Then I go for a morning patrol around the island and afterwards I help lightkeepers in training. It usually takes me until midday. If I have time before I need to prepare dinner, I like to visit Hisi Island to talk with Miss Moonchanter. I promised to drop by more often after I requested medication and we like to talk about safety matters as well as more… mundane stuff. She also asks me about Miss Nefer every time so it means I have to talk to Jahoda more often. Curatorium of Secrets is truly a mesmerizing place and you can always listen in on good gossip (Jahoda is not the best at keeping secrets to herself, good that I am). Whenever I have a chance to have a chat with Miss Nefer, she teases me like I’m her younger brother. She only doesn’t do it when Miss Moonchanter is around.

I spend afternoons and evenings planning out patrols and necessary talks in Nasha Town and if I get any mail I go through it too. Later we all gather for dinner and depending whether I have a night patrol with Flins or not - I either stay in the camp or go home.

Like today. So I’m sitting by the fireplace reading your letter and then any book that falls into my hands and once more I spend an ungodly amount of time making tea. Life’s been casual here lately. It might sound boring, but at least it’s stable and I don’t need much more than that. (Well, now I’m running out of paper so I should probably answer your question quicker)

I’m doing okay, feeling a little worried about the campaign since I heard it’s going to take longer than you planned.

No emergencies, nobody got injured or lost. I hope I’m not jinxing anything.

I hope this letter find you well, it brings light,

Illuga

***

He knew better than anyone the campaign got out of hand. He was not high enough in hierarchy to talk with the South’s officials so he only learned from his Captain that they would have to hold on for a while longer. He remembered wishing for this to last at least a year before they were departing from Nod Krai. Oh what a stupid desire. The battlefield had no mercy and even though he still had strength to fight, he overestimated how much energy he would have every day. Training daily and being able to control the regime of drills helped him sharpen his skills, but there was a difference between voluntary practice and being forced to get up, force food down his throat, fight, sleep and go on. Day by day, with limited breaks and poor sleep. He could feel the decline in the Knights' spirit and even though Varka and the South Army tried to keep them motivated and confident, there were things they couldn’t talk them into believing.

Lohen always loved to fight, he liked the adrenaline, but his body was in constant state of tension, muscle strained after being pushed to the limit, mind constantly unsettled.

Don’t die. Don’t forget to eat. Sleep. Sharpen your polearm. Prepare for a fight. Don’t die. Patch yourself up. Sleep. Eat if you forgot. Sleep if you can. Prepare for another fight. No time to regroup. Don’t get hit more than twice. 

He was falling asleep not knowing what day it was, and then waking up not sure if it was still the same one or a new one. The repeatedness of fights took away the orientation in time and place, slowly taking more and more time from his day to finally leave him with a bare minimum to sleep and giving just enough minutes to write one letter, before it swallowed him whole.

***

Darling,

I’m sorry for the late reply. It is true that the fights take longer than we expected. I don’t know where do these warriors come from, they multiply like rabbits (but they’re a lot less fluffier). 

Thank you for your last letter, it smelled like home. Did I sound hopelessly yearning? Maybe I am. I never thought I would say it, but these fights are tiring me out. Here. I said it. Everyone can call me a fake knight now. The thing is, we’ve been on the move for so long that I really wish I had a bed that wouldn’t change its location every four days. It’s not much to ask, is it?

Are you waking up at 5? Or earlier? I think I’m getting older if I find it doable since I tend to call nights early lately. I call nights whenever I can, I don’t care what hour it is. Once I’m allowed I pass out gladly. Maybe when we go back I could accompany you on your patrols. Would you let me? Or is Aedon more than enough?

Yeah, you got me hungry, we mostly eat some meat with a mashed mix that I don’t want to know the contents of, but it keeps us full for a long time. Everything tastes bland, but I think it might be me. I just don’t like eating anymore, it keeps me alive and awake. That’s all. Grand Master said that maybe some mild infection took away my sense of taste, like a virus of some sort. 

Thank you for sending me ginger candy, unfortunately I can’t give you much back so accept some more yellow flowers and a sketch of Aedon. Grand Master asked if I was scared I was gonna forget him and that was why I drew him over and over and I realised I haven’t seen you for months. Exactly seven months, five days and a few hours. Do I sound like an obsessed boyfriend? Do you still dye your undercut red? Did you buy a new winter coat? Are you seeing other men?

May light guide you at night,

Lohen

***

Dearest Lohen,

We have a lot of beds to offer in Nod Krai and from what I know they don’t move unless you’re on a boat so you’re welcome to take any once you’re back.

If you’re willing to get up at 5 then I am amazed by your resilience. If you act according to our rules I don’t see any problems with taking you on a patrol. What will Grand Master say? Can I steal you to my squad or is it too bold?

I’m sure with proper food and meds you’ll get your sense of taste back, we’ll figure it out so you can enjoy food again. Nobody’s going hungry or hating food on my watch.

Thank you for the flowers, I put them between two pieces of glass in a frame so we can both enjoy them with Aedon. I have no idea if I have enough space anywhere to hang his portraits though. Maybe on the wardrobe door? I don’t think he’ll be too happy about it though. He likes sleeping on them even though it will make them smudge over time (or so I believe).

Seven months, eighteen days, and a few hours. I like when men know math, so rare nowadays. I’m still trying to teach Flins that the fact he worked for 80 hours this week means it’s way over the daily average allowed for a man his (estimated) age and he still claims it’s fine. I pray for the day you come back and Varka finally does something about it.

Yes, I still dye the back of my head red.

Yes, I bought a new winter coat so you might take my old one for the patrols if you want to.

Hope the light will guide you back,

Illuga 

Ps. I’m sorry, but I don’t know if you’re serious or not (if not you can tear away this piece of letter, I even bent it in a way you can do it neatly) - no, I’m not seeing any men.

***

As Flins called it - letterless times came. They were now doomed to hearing only from officials and very rare, short messages from Varka. Now the deliveries were too dangerous so they were allowed to send their letters from Nod Krai, however, it wasn’t known when they would be delivered. Illuga decided not to add up to the messengers’ struggles and let them focus on the official correspondence that was already a stressful responsibility. Every week the campaign was rumoured to last only one more week and then they would hear the same thing over and over.

Illuga patrolled the island with heavy heart, finding some solace in Flins’ presence, knowing he was living through a similar sense of loss, and forced into silence he didn’t agree on.

Illuga had good memory and as he sifted through the history of past expeditions and campaigns - he didn’t feel any better. As a kid he read way too many stories and legends about heroes and they always laid their life to protect what they fought for - home, justice, better future. Illuga never asked Lohen why he wanted to join the campaign, besides the obvious. Now he regretted. He had so many words unsaid and hidden all over his mind and heart that a whole fresh package of paper wouldn’t be enough to store them.

Lohen was too stubborn to die.

He was too proud to bow his head to anyone who wasn’t his Grand Master.

If not a single tale ended in triumph - it was high time one should. 

***

Lohen never wanted to be a hero, he wouldn’t mind if someone quickly decided Varka was the most deserving so they could move on.

The last kill gave him no satisfaction. There was no relief, no peace in his mind and heart, but the battlefield turned into chaos of cheers and yells. He knelt on the ground, staring at the grass that no longer looked green and took a deep breath that tasted like iron. He forced himself to stand upright not to worry anyone and people still gave him concerned glances. Lohen never looked the most approachable and now when he was covered in gore, with barely any light left in his eyes, it only intensified their uneasiness. Lohen felt like something broke inside his body. Like a toy on low batteries, enough to start up, but screeching with every move. Falling asleep mid-gesture if nobody talked to him or he didn’t force himself constantly to remain conscious.

They weren’t done. Somebody had to clean up the camp, collect their things and walk on the exhausted legs to the nearby city. He dug his fingers into the palms of his hands to stay conscious. Once his mind zoned out, he stumbled or bumped into other knights and soldiers. If the decision was up to him, he would just lie down here on the grass and nap. He didn’t want to go for any celebration, to watch the heroes get medals or to hear how glad the South state was to have so many brave nations as friends. Seeing Lohen’s state, his own Captain took pity on him during the break in marching, and sat with him, back to back. 

“Don’t sleep on the grass, lean on me.”

And Lohen was too tired to argue. By the edge of the forest, where the shuffling of leaves was louder than the men celebrating afar, he was ready to agree on almost anything.

“You did well, take some rest.”

Lohen listened. Illuga would tell him to rest as well. He was in no state to write to him. He had no idea where he put paper in his bags so he left it for future him to figure out. He dozed off on the Captain’s shoulder and only woke up when the man shook his shoulder.

“Couldn’t we stay here?” he asked, pouting.

“I believe that you, just as many others, wish to finally sleep on something better than a makeshift bed.”

“You have to walk there, it’s no pleasure.”

“Ah, should I carry you on my back like the old days?”

Lohen’s frown deepened and Captain burst out laughing.

“There, there,” he cooed, and risked stroking Lohen’s cheek with one finger only just in case the other would bite. “It’s not that far.” He used to take Lohen with him on evening patrols when the other was younger and the knights hoped walking before going to bed would get him sleepier. It didn’t. Though a few times he managed to get the boy very frustrated with the amount of (useless) circles they were doing after which Lohen sat down and said he wouldn’t walk anymore. “Do you want me to leave you here?” He would ask, hoping it would make the child at least a little scared, but Lohen only shrugged and lay down on the grass. “Fine, then I’ll come back without you.” He earned another shrug. Just to show that he wasn’t joking, he actually left Lohen where he was and started going back to the city. He was taking slow steps, giving the boy a chance to catch up. Lohen knew the way to the city, but he didn’t follow. In the end, the man had to piggyback him home. “That’s just this once.” It wasn’t just once. Lohen, seeing how easy it was to get him lenient, would repeat the same scene whenever the (still) Vice Captain forced him to walk more than necessary. He fell asleep while being carried, but when he was put in the bed, his eyes immediately opened wide and he had even more energy than before.

Lohen hit his thighs a few times to shoo off cramps and decided that he would get there on his own, suffer through the ceremony, and write to Illuga. The lightkeeper was probably already aware the campaign came to an end, but since they couldn’t exchange too much information lately, it would be nice to inform him about it. When they reached their destination and he was assigned to the room with the Captain, they took a moment to make themselves appear more put together. Lohen stood by the window looking out on the forest and opened it, closed, and then opened again.

“Any call of the voids you might want to tell me about?” Captain gave him a tired look.

“Do you hear it?” Lohen opened the window even wider and stared at the other expectantly.

“No? Nothing.” He shook his head and put on a coat, slowly getting up from the bed and standing behind Lohen.

“I don’t like it,” he mumbled. 

“Why so?”

“Where are the animals? Some birds or squirrels or whatever else on two or four legs. You can’t even hear insects. I don’t like it.”

Captain had to admit he was right. The lack of any sound in the forest was always a sign to stay alert, animals knew way faster than humans that the danger was coming.

“Give them a few minutes.” Captain patted his shoulder. “Maybe you started listening exactly when the predator emerged in this area, or they’re still too alerted after we marched through.” Somehow it didn’t calm Lohen down at all. He heard in Nod Krai that disasters aren’t in the habit of issuing warnings, but maybe they just didn’t listen.

For the official celebration and paying respect to those they lost in fiery fights, they gathered at the market square. One minute the sky was light blue and there was no cloud in sight, the other it got completely dark and started pouring rain. The priests didn’t rush the process so everyone was soaked when they were allowed to head towards the main hall for an official banquet. Lohen took a chance and separated from his Captain, sneaking away through long corridors and coming back to their room that was just above the bathhouse that he now intended to hide in for upcoming hours.

Or at least he wished he did because as he sat on the floor, just to estimate how much was left of his belongings, he leaned on the bed and it was enough comfort to put him to sleep.

A vigorous shaking brought him back to reality and he met a half angry, half worried gaze of his Captain. He pushed him away.

“What are you doing? When I saw you sitting there like that I thought something happened to you.”

“What could happen to me under the watchful eye of the Fifth Company’s Captain?” Lohen sighed and got up in one swift move. His bones and muscles protested, begging him for a break.

“You’ll rest later, you can manage one more hour or two, it doesn’t befit you as my Vice to sneak out for an official dinner like that. You’re not appreciating their hospitality.”

“Oh I do,” Lohen snickered. “I was just appreciating the bed and wanted to appreciate warm water for the first time in weeks, and now I’m getting scolded.”

“Formalities first, pleasant things later. Your spot is too visible to stay empty for the rest of the night. You’re going with me and you’ll be polite to people talking to you.” His anger was in vain, worth nothing but a smirk for Lohen. 

“I would prefer to promise to not speak at all.”

Captain sighed and rubbed his temple.

“Fine. Let’s just go. Maybe we didn’t keep them waiting for too long.”

The banquet surely was a disaster the birds warned him about. People were all too talkative, too loud, and forced too much food and alcohol into him. It would be more fitting to say he just stored all the food inside, not really eating it, as nothing seemed to settle well in his stomach. Five hours later when they got back to the room, he vomited everything to the bucket (thoughtfully) provided, and looked at the food again since he didn’t manage to digest. Captain gave him a worried glance.

“Did you drink too much?” He asked, sensing that Lohen wasn’t really in the mood to talk with him after he dragged him to the main hall. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fucking peachy.” The door banged after him as he walked to the bathhouse to clean up the bucket and then took a long needed bath. All the cuts were stinging and the scars turned red like they got angry with temperature. He was always told not to bathe after food, but he just got rid of anything he consumed and it went down the drain. He brushed his skin so harshly he added more new scratches, but since they left the battlefield behind, he needed the battlefield to leave him as well. He washed his hair three times to clean the dust off and then rinsed the bathtub to fill it up again with warm water and lay there for a few minutes before he got sleepy again and drowned. 

As he was coming inside the room, Captain was going out. Lohen guessed he probably wanted to look for him since he was taking his sweet time, but now that he passed Lohen on the way out, he couldn’t just come back to the room after him. He didn’t want Lohen to think he didn’t trust him. He was just worried. To avoid any confrontation or another argument, he left Lohen alone in the room. 

Lohen sat on the bed, finally able to take a breath and find his paper to write on. 

Darling,

You probably know, but it’s finally done. Things are looking bright. I’m sorry the letter is short, but not everyone is desperate to pack up quickly and go home, however, I am. Tonight the alcohol is spilling everywhere and I doubt we are gonna go to the port tomorrow. 

Is it normal that I feel like my body is shutting off? Where did everyone get that energy from? I just want to lie down and sleep.

Would you mind if I stayed with you for a while before we go back to Mond? No hard feelings if not (but I’ll tell Nikita about it).

With hope, light, and sleep deprivation,

Lohen

***

Dearest Lohen,

It was a short letter so I’ll reply shortly as well.

I wouldn’t mind at all. Please do.

I’ll be waiting,

Illuga

***

My dearest creature,

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for today. Blame is drilling holes in my flesh, but honestly that’s what I deserve for letting my people get hurt. 

We were just marching towards the port. Lohen said he was tired so I teased him a little, but joined him at the end of the formation. We had a local escort for additional safety. Who would have thought a pack of wolves would bother us? I should have, but didn’t. I took care of those in my peripheral, and lost sight of Lohen. 

I knew he was not well. I’ve known that kid for years and seeing him so calm for the past days made me worried, but he only brushed it off and tried to joke. He is young, craves adventure, he always did. I thought that having him on the battlefield would cool down his temper. I think I just took away a year from his life he could spend fooling around wishing to be here instead of actually being here. He didn’t need to know the reality of such life. Maybe I saw too much of myself in him.

It was a quick fight, a kind that causes more fear than damage. I was about to check on everyone when I saw Lohen leaning against the tree and his polearm, blood seeping into the soil. He dropped to the ground before I reached him.

I thought I would lose him. I thought he would bleed out before we got him to the closest healer.

Thank Barbatos that he has more resilience than common sense when it matters. He woke up only once by far and fainted from pain almost immediately after. Allow me to omit more details.

I’m sending half of my knights back to Nod Krai, please let them rest and re-supply before they go back to Mondstadt. I’ve already sent an official letter before this one. I couldn’t leave him alone.

Always yours,

Varka

***

If only he told Lohen to stay by his Company, they would never be there. They would brush off some cuts or small bites and continue their journey home. It all happened because he allowed it. The doctors banned him from the room until Lohen was conscious again.

“Please be quiet. People are resting. Wash your hands and take off your coat.” The nurse’s voice wouldn’t accept any bargaining so Varka listened, abandoning everything that could be even slightly harmful to the patients. When he got to Lohen’s bed, somebody was fixing his IV drip and for once, the knight wasn’t protesting. The doctor faced Varka immediately and he understood who kept that ward under control. Her aura made him swallow the light greeting he had prepared.

“No food, no drinks beside water, and no bothering my patient.” Her voice was low and heavy as she instructed him to wear a mask and only when Varka sat down, she left. He gazed at Lohen, expecting to hear questions about his state or medicine, but the other only whispered-

“I thought wolves were supposed to like the Knight of Boreas, what the fuck was that?”

A fighter and rascal at heart. Varka chuckled nervously and moved his mask up to conceal a tear of relief shamelessly streaming down his left cheek.

“I apologise, I trusted blindly you would be able to push them back.”

“I almost did.” He mumbled and closed his eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed and Varka wished he could soothe him in any way, but he was completely banned from getting too close to him. Lohen raised his eyes at the IV bag, fluid slowly dripping down the tube to his arm. Varka noticed that Lohen was so pale that most of his veins were visible. “Varka?” His voice sounded like he was somewhere far.

“Yeah?”

“Can you tell them to dial it up?” He pointed at the bag. “Because… I think I might be reaching 6.5…”

***

Love,

Stay with Lohen as long as it’s necessary. I’ll tend to your knights once they arrive so don’t worry about them, just look after the one who needs it the most. How is he? Did the wound get infected? What did the doctors say?

Illuga didn’t take the news too well, even though I tried to describe the situation in a softer way so as not to petrify him completely. I believe it would be best if he got a letter from you. As much as you don’t feel comfortable writing to him about it. He deserves to know.

Moonchanter sends her medicine and I believe she would go to him herself if not the journey being so long. The Moonfrost Scions can not remain without her for so long. Nefer attaches some contacts for you, she said not to worry about the bill so use them freely.

If there’s anything I can do to help you, ask and I shall try to deliver it to you.

I hope this letter finds you well, it brings love,

Kyryll

***

Master Illuga,

I write to you unfortunately only with war news or bad news and today it’s the latter. I sincerely apologise as it’s my fault Lohen is in no state to write to you for now. He suffered great injuries due to my neglect. 

I would like to bring you some solace by saying everything will be alright and he’s healing well, but these are lies and I’m afraid I have not many comforting words to share.

The doctors here are kindly taking care of him and administering drugs to keep the fever down. His leg is being treated, but they don’t have high hopes and consider that the best option would be to amputate it from the knee down. Which probably scares you and me more than it would Lohen if he was conscious. 

I put trust blindly in the Moonchanter and administered the medicine in a brew even though they didn’t allow me to mingle with the treatment. He’s sleeping better and his heart stopped rushing so much. I wish I could do more to help him, but for now we have to wait a few days and see how his leg heals and if at all. I know you get these letters with a delay which makes it all more scary as you can not be sure whether what you read is still up-to-date. However, as horrible as it sounds, if anything critical happens (although we should all pray to our gods it won’t), I’ll find a way to get that information to you as quickly as possible.

I hope this letter finds you well and that you’ll forgive me,

Varka

Illuga rushed out of the base. He bumped into a few people on the way, not able to apologise, and they were too surprised to see their captain in such urgency to react. Illuga ran forward, wherever his legs took him, almost stumbling every few steps as he was too fast for his legs to keep up. He pushed himself forward, forcing his body to rush towards the sound of the waves, wishing the sea would swallow him. He saw Aedon in the corner of his eye, flying right by his side, for once not leading the way, only following him passively. Like he felt Illuga needed that, that it would get worse if he tried to stop him. The lightkeeper tore off his coat, kicked off the shoes, and threw himself towards the waves that were awfully calm, as if out of spite. Aedon started circling around his waist, but it only made Illuga go deeper into the sea.

The water was ice cold, but his body didn’t protest. He dove under, staying under the surface for a few seconds, water getting into his nose, ears and eyes, perfectly muting the scream he held back for the whole run. Once his lungs begged for air, he moved above the surface, inhaled, and repeated the process until he had no more cries within him. By now the cold and wind didn’t bother him, like it was happening to some other Illuga, not him, the one whose worries weren’t enough to erase physical pain. Now it was slowly coming back to him, biting his cheeks, neck and skin. He moved towards the beach and when his feet finally touched the sand, he walked out of the water, gently pushed forward by the waves. He was shaking. He took off the clothes and embraced himself with the coat.

His breath was back. Wherever it went, he couldn’t be sure, but now it was with him in his lungs, pumping the air into the system, forcing the heart to beat.

A flicker of blue flame grabbed his attention and he was about to tell Flins to leave him alone, but the man never took his human form. Only the lantern hovered shyly by his side, giving off waves of warmth. Illuga felt cold drops of water streaming down his neck and decided not to shoo Flins off. Aedon nestled on his shoulder, quietly keeping him company too. Somewhere far behind the horizon was a person he irrationally wanted and couldn’t have. He was suffering in a random hospital, after an attack that happened long after battles were done. The fear of losing someone was a familiar feeling, but he never learned to live with it.

“Have you lost your mind?!” At the sound of Nikita’s voice, the lantern moved to stay between the old man and Illuga. Flins’ silhouette emerged from the flame and he bowed his head.

“I’m afraid he might have lost some common sense, but please don’t add up to his fears. They’re heavy as it is.”

“It’s not a reason to throw himself into the sea.” Nikita sent Illuga a glare over Flins’ shoulder.

“I apologise for not taking your side in this dispute.” Flins bowed once again and then turned to Illuga, reaching out his hand to help him stand up. “I understand you, Illuga. A hurt soul looks for a refuge and when it can not find it within the warmth of the body, it searches for a place where it can cry out and be heard.” He gazed at the sea with sympathy and then added his own coat on top of Illuga’s own. “Let’s take you home. Where are your shoes?”

The nightingales sang on their whole way back. Illuga didn’t want to spend the night at the base so Flins found a way to his house that wouldn’t expose him to the prying eyes of those who heard about his unusual behaviour. Flins was truly a master of sneaky passages and if Illuga wasn’t so heartbroken, he would appreciate knowing that shortcut a lot more. They stopped before the door since Illuga needed to find the keys. Meanwhile, the birdsong became more intense, and suddenly, Aedon opened his beak and sang as well. Illuga and Flins gave him a surprised look. He made some little noises, sometimes, but they never heard him sing like that. They looked up when he flew up high toward the other birds, who slowly began to repeat his melody and left them both speechless. The nightingale choir was very loud and the music was so piercing that Illuga flinched.

“What’s going on…” He whispered with a hoarse voice.

“I think he needed someone to hear his worries as well. I might lend you an ear too. Or a piece of paper.”

***

Lohen was tired of waking up without any recollection of previous days so now he was very grateful to whoever decided to put a calendar and a clock on the wall of this room. His organism must have decided it got enough sleep as it was barely 4 in the morning and he could hear the birds sing outside. The nights were warm here so leaving a window slightly ajar wasn’t a risk of getting anyone sick. A small nightingale (and this time he was sure it was one) sat on the windowsill and whistled. His eyes were staring right at Lohen, who impulsively whistled back. The bird took it as an invitation and squeezed through the small space between the window frame and the wall.

“Hi.” Lohen whispered, careful not to get anyone alerted. He reached his hand to the bird and realised how shaky it was. The bird landed in his palm and nuzzled up to his fingers. Is it how princesses feel in the tales? He gently patted the tiny head. “Are you Aedon’s friend?” The bird chirped in reply. Lohen leaned back on the pillows and kept softly stroking the bird’s feathers. He remembered talking about something to this little fellow, but his mind shut off without his consent.

The first one to visit in the morning was Varka and seeing Lohen seated, holding something in his hands, the man let out a sigh of relief. They made it through another night and today he even got his consciousness back. The bliss didn’t last long because the doctor lost it completely over the bird in her ward.

“What do you think you’re doing? They're covered in bacteria and dirt. What are the sanitary rules for?” She shooed the bird away from him and opened the window to let it fly outside, but the nightingale got scared. It chirped in distress and Lohen sighed when they started swatting at the bird with a mop and sweep. When it flew close to his bed, he tried to reach out his hands to catch it, but almost fell off it. Varka managed to grab him before his body met the floor, but Lohen already pulled on the stitches, his leg started bleeding and a cry escaped his mouth. His vision went dark and everyone kept screaming, the bird’s wings were flapping and Varka tried to calm them all down. 

So Lohen did what seemed to be the only right thing.

He screamed. It sounded more like a screech, out pain, frustration and anger.

“Shut up!” He was breathing heavily as tears kept streaming down his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He shakily whistled at the bird, which immediately flew towards the sound of voice and almost dug into the knight’s abdomen with how hard it landed there. “Can you let this guy out?” He offered the trembling creature to Varka who only nodded and put the bird on the outer side of the windowsill. His feathery friend remained there, not flying away even when Varka pushed him a bit towards the edge.

The nurse rushed to disinfect Lohen’s hands and arms and then the room, mumbling something about the idiocy of patients nowadays. Then they moved on to Lohen’s injury, uncovering the duvet and started to get rid of bandages from the right leg. He didn’t manage to see much because Varka covered his eyes. 

“Hey.” He shot him a glare. 

“Lohen, better look at me.” He asked. Lohen, seeing his expression, swallowed a lump in his throat and kept his eyes on Varka’s vision since he pinned it up to the belt now. “Or close your eyes. Believe me it’s better you don’t see this for now.” Maybe he didn’t see what they were doing, but he certainly felt it. It was no longer 6.5, but probably a very irritating 4.

“When are we going back to Nod Krai?” He hoped to hear something like ‘tomorrow’.

“When you get better.” Varka accepted a tray from the nurses and offered it to Lohen. The patient wasn’t hungry. 

“Considering I don't feel good, maybe others should go already.”

“I let half of them go. Those who needed more rest stayed.”

“And you?”

“How could I leave my favorite boy out there alone?”

“How long was I out?”

“I’m not sure. But today is December 6th.” He pointed at the calendar. “Depending whether you were getting your consciousness back or not when we were absent, around 5 days worth of sleep.

“Did Santa come to you?” Lohen forced himself to smirk. 

“Well, you woke up so I’ll take it as a gift. But… He came to you.” Varka fished out a package from under the bed. “So I guess your good behaviour during the campaign erased you from the naughty list.”

It felt heavy in Lohen hands, but so did the nightingale.

There was a small card attached that he immediately turned around to read.

Dearest,

I had to send it over a month ago due to international rules of transferring weapons. So I believe (Moons, I truly wish) it might get to you when you don’t need it. Updating your address will drive them insane in the meantime, but that’s okay. Grand Master always makes sure to keep them right.

Oh, I realised I probably shouldn’t have written so personally. It was supposed to be a gift from Santa afterall. Well, I’m just his helper and thought you’d want a more personal card.

Please enjoy,

Illuga

Lohen opened the box slowly and found a knife.

“That’s an unusual gift from a guy who is supposed to give child-friendly stuff.” Varka noticed and watched Lohen admire the craftsmanship for a while before putting it back in the box and then on the bedside table. His mood left through the window with the bird from before. “Hey, if you don’t want it-”

“We won’t come back for Illuga’s birthday.” Lohen said matter-of-factly. Varka wasn’t sure how to reply because he had no idea what date they were referring to.

“We can try, but you need to rest.” Lohen’s hands turned into fists as he grabbed the bedsheets harder. “Does it hurt? Just say so and I’ll ask them to get you stronger meds.” He watched with anxiety how Lohen pushed the duvet off himself and then stared at his leg, as if he was angry it caused him so much pain. The shin lost its shape and was clearly deformed due to surgery and the attack. “I’m so sorry, Lohen. It’s on me that I didn't react fast enough.”

“Don’t lie. I didn’t have enough hands to fight them off. I forgot about covering my legs. I was half asleep.”

“That’s why I should have made sure you were safe.”

Lohen rolled his eyes and lay down.

“It was good fighting for you. But it’s still more fun fighting with you. I don’t think we’ll spar soon though.”

“I’ll make sure we do.” Varka smiled, he took the comeback of his sharp tongue as a good sign. Then, Lohen stopped talking for a while.

“Do you need me for anything?” He yawned.

“Excuse me?”

“Do you need me for anything right now? Papers, reports?”

“N’no, of course not.” He wouldn’t even think about it, why did Lohen, he had no idea.

“Can I go back to sleep?”

“Of course. Go ahead.” He smiled and then took out a thicker file of letters from the drawer. “You can read when you feel better. Or right now.”

“Are all of them-”

“Yes. They’re all from Illuga.” He placed them on Lohen’s lap and left. Lohen skimmed his thumb along the edge of the pile and his chest felt warmer.

Dearest Lohen,

I’ve heard what happened to you from Grand Master and Flins as well.

I didn’t prepare you a place for it to stay empty, so you need to get better. Okay? If Grand Master is urged to come back, I can swap with him. Aedon unfortunately will have to stay here since leaving Nod Krai and losing the source of energy for so long could hurt him. Just say a word.

When I’m writing this, you landed in the hospital and I realised I will get to know about your state with a two day delay at best. And it scared me. You scared me. Or the possibility there would be no you and how tremendous absence there would be instead. 

And I had a thought that I don’t know if I could live around that absence.

There are so many empty rooms I had to learn to pass by, but there is only this much endurance in one person, I don’t think I have any more left, you know? I can’t even write this letter in one sitting. Every few words I have to look up and force myself to stop tearing up so much because (I deeply apologise if you read it) but right now I don’t know if that letter still has someone to arrive to.

Flins said the lack of news was also the lack of bad news. And somehow Grand Master didn’t have many good ones to share in his letters. He promised to write to Flins daily since I said I wouldn’t stand reading his words directly. I asked him not to even tell me that the letters came, only when he already read them and summarised them as much as possible.

I hope you’re reading this. And that you think how stupid I was for losing faith in you. I’d gladly be stupid. I never wanted anything more than that.

Flins sent Grand Master all the medicine from the Moonchanter. I hope they’ll be enough to fight off infection.

You have to come back. Don’t strain yourself, rest as much as you can and sleep it off. You should save up that energy and let the wound heal. Do they feed you something better than mashed potatoes? You haven’t tried my Lakkaberry pie, when you come back and I’ll make a batch just for you. What would you like to eat once you’re back? I promise I’ll prepare anything you want. Just come back.

Come back in one piece for me,

Illuga

Lohen shakily pressed the letter to his chest and then opened the next one. He didn’t bother wiping away the tears. Nobody saw him anyway.

Dearest Lohen, 

We didn’t get any updates about you today, and it’s been hell. I also got a ban on getting outside since I got sick from reasons I didn’t mention in the previous letter. I jumped into the sea, by the west shore. I had enough clarity to take off my shoes before I did and I wasn’t that far away when I realised what I was doing. I had no other place to go, Nod Krai never asks about your past, but it means you can only move forward. I desperately didn’t want to move forward again.

Nikita was furious, but I got out of the water by myself. I didn’t intend on freezing to death or drowning. However, sometimes you need to check if the world would take you back if you stayed still for long enough.

You must feel horrible reading these lines, I apologise. I truly do because I know I promised to wait for you at home and share my light with you. How am I supposed to do it if you don’t come back?

I thought I would perish fighting the Wild Hunt. I could imagine my end like that. But I’m no longer on my own, you promised to patrol with me, didn’t you? And as selfish as it might sound, if I was alone I would be allowed to die, but I no longer am because we are here. We happened. We have promises to keep, days to spend, meals to share. No matter how hopeless it sounds, we can’t die. So keep your part of the deal, Lohen.

Maybe this once I should end the letter in a traditional way?

Yours truly, because I don’t know where else I could belong,

Illuga

Dearest Lohen,

Thank Moons, the Wind and all the other gods that showed us mercy.

I heard you’re stable now. At least physically. You probably will be informed about the troubles with treating your leg when you’re conscious so let me just say how much I’m relieved to know you’re getting better.

I hope you’ll be healthy enough to board the ship and come home. I have an awfully aching throat and runny nose that doesn’t let me sleep at night, but I’m no longer sure if it is because of the flu or me crying so much lately. Maybe both.

How many more yearning letters do I have to send to get a reply? If you said 156 I would write that many even today. Name your price. Give me a sign.

I miss you dearly,

Illuga

***

Darling,

It feels horrible to start a letter in such a simple manner after you almost mentally buried me. You allowed me to call you stupid, but I won’t. I’ll just say you should know better than to think one wolf would be enough to take me out.

I’m sorry for making you feel so much pain. I never expected asking you for a letter at my departure would lead to this. If I knew I would never request anything like that from you. Especially because I consider myself completely unworthy of being grieved like that by someone like you. You deserve a soft life, you’re the sunlight of Nod Krai. No wonder Nikita locked you up, I would gladly do the same. We can’t lose you, you know how many generations Nod Krai would have to wait for another sweetheart like you? Maybe we will never see that day, you were just a stroke of luck, or should I say light?

I hope that at this moment you’re crying a little less and you try to smile and sniffle instead. Take a tissue, I have some more words to write to you.

About coming back in one piece, I think I screwed that part up already, I’m sorry. I’m mostly in one piece though, but quite a part of my right leg ended up in a wolf’s maw and I didn’t get it back. Everyone babies me like crazy - I’m just a little feverish and sleepy. That’s all. And it’s not like I have to live through another half year of battles, I just need to get well enough to manage the sea journey to Nod Krai.

For now I’m stuck at the hospital for god knows how long. 

Teleporting would be such a nice thing to have. I’d lie down on your carpet in front of the fireplace and go to sleep like that. If we can send small things like letters this way then why not people? I got the knife from you, I mean from Santa - exactly on December 6th which was also the day I finally woke up for longer after that whole ordeal. Thank you, I really like it. If Varka wasn’t that scared of nurses maybe I would throw it at the wall, but he would have to cover for me later.

I can’t even limp around because the leg is bleeding whenever I sneeze. I don’t know why they’re so scared I’ll run away and guard me all the time. I’m not going anywhere.

I think they’re not telling me everything because Grand Master is spending too much time here. I have no intention of leaving this ward. You said they probably informed me. It sounded serious. Let me voice my suspicion - I’m gonna lose that leg, won’t I?

You don’t have to calm me down or tell me it will be okay. I’ll mourn it and complain about it, but if I can’t do anything about it, then what’s the point of overthinking it now? Especially since it’s literally a choice between me and my limb. If I don’t agree for the surgery, I won’t even get a chance to go back to you. So the decision is obvious from the start.

One leg in the grave has a different meaning now.

You don’t like jokes like that, I’m sorry, I can’t do better now. I’m high on painkillers, but somehow can’t sleep. That's why you’re getting such a long and wobbly letter. It’s dark and if I turn on the light the nurses come at me like moths. 

Have I written that nightingales come to sing by my window? One is even brave enough to come in and sit in my hands. I like to think they heard from Aedon that I liked them so they came to visit. Do you think they know what’s up?

With love,

Lohen

The wailing was so loud it could be heard outside. Illuga curled up by the bed, holding onto the letter and pillow, only able to wheeze. Every dam broke. Whatever they held in, flew out and tried to escape through every possible way. He must have looked horrible, like he just lived through the worst of his nightmares and they didn’t leave when he woke up. He almost never cried. Even when his home was destroyed by Wild Hunt, he didn’t make a single noise. It’s like he never fully learned how to do it, how to breathe when his throat was clenched by invisible hands and control the sobs that kept shaking his body.

He looked like a disaster.

A sudden sound of the key turning in his lock scared him. For a moment he didn’t know who to expect as if Nikita didn’t own his other pair of keys. Seeing his stern look, he tried to explain, but only more incomprehensible sounds flew out. Nikita sat by his side on the floor, clearly at a loss for words. He saw the crumpled paper Illuga held tightly against his chest and embraced the boy. He held him through the worst of spasms and when Illuga finally started quieting down, he began swaying him as if he was a baby and not a grown up man.

“This pain you’re feeling will be there forever.” He whispered and Illuga frowned. “It won’t grow weaker, but you’ll grow stronger and will learn to live with it. Your own evidence you loved dearly and that you were loved just as much.” Illuga tried squirming out of his grip.

“What are you talking about?” He choked out.

“I know it’s hard to believe, boy. But denial won’t change the state of things-”

“He’s not dead!” He finally escaped the deadly hug and wiped away the tears and snot. Nikita was baffled. Illuga’s eyes widened realising that the old man was crying too and that’s why he didn’t want to let go.

However, at the revelation, his expression immediately changed.

“Then why are you crying like the world is ending?!” Nikita raised his voice, frustrated with how he misunderstood the scene.

“Because I’m so relieved…” Illuga stuttered the words out and Nikita let out a groan. Only then did he notice Flins standing in the further corner of the room. He covered his mouth with a hand, but Illuga saw his eyes were smiling.

“You knew?!” Nikita got up in an instant and Flins cleared his throat.

“I knew that our Vice Captain was not dead, but I don’t remember you asking.”

“You didn’t find it an important information to share with me?”

“We walked together for barely two minutes and you were talking the whole time. I thought the news would be delivered as soon as we knocked, but you reacted rather impulsively…” Flins decided to turn into flame and hide behind Illuga.

“Please…” Illuga begged them shakily. “Not today. I…” He started coughing and remembered it was his time for medicine. “I want it to be a good day, you can’t argue.”

He cried not only from relief, but how deeply Lohen’s words hit him. He couldn’t stop thinking how scared the other must have felt underneath these joke attempts and a brave mask. He imagined Lohen alone on the hospital bed, convincing himself it was all going to be fine even if he didn’t feel sure about it in the slightest. He wished to hold his hand, to tell him they would manage it, to repeat it as many times as he needed to make the man believe.

***

His fever got worse so he saw and heard birds in the room when they weren’t there. Medicine was no longer enough to fight the infection and the decision was made. Varka sat there, consumed by blame, because if Lohen’s body wasn’t that weak and strained, maybe he would have enough strength to fight it off. Meanwhile the knight was spread thin. Varka put a hand on Lohen’s forehead in a miserable attempt to soften the wrinkles. He kept rinsing the cold towels and wished the other had enough energy to use his vision for his benefit. At least for a few minutes. He watched Lohen sleep, guarding him until the doctors entered the room.

Seeing the bed disappear behind the white door, he could only see him as a little kid again. If he could, he would do it all differently from the moment he got the letter these years ago. 

Dear Varka

I’m sending a boy under your care. You have a few kiddos there already so maybe he’ll get along with them even though I don’t have much hope. He’s gonna be a challenge even for you. A little demon in human skin. I feel like he never sleeps.

And he’s a horrible child. He’ll fail every test possible only to write them perfectly in front of the principal, making the teachers look like fools. He has amazing memory, but refuses to make use of it until the result is, as he likes to say, fun. That kid has a weird definition of fun.

Other kids are generally scared of him, when someone teases him he reacts with violence. You’ll have to do something about it because he can’t just attack others out of nowhere. He’s covered in scars that he constantly changes the story of and since he doesn’t want to talk we don’t know if they’re effects of his endeavours (which is highly probable) or the treatment he got from his previous caretakers. I believe you’ll need an additional pair of eyes to supervise him so ask the current Vice Captain of the Fifth Company for some help. He was quite a rebellious kid himself, maybe he’ll aid you. Or the kid will dig a trap to get you both in there. I’m not joking, it already happened thrice. He can’t stay bored. Archons forbid. If you can raise him well, you can knight him. I’m not intending to ask you to give him back. 

If you get him tired he should calm down a little, sport is the only thing that gets him a little less vigorous. 

Watch out for him, he tends to get scratches and cuts all the time and then bleeds through clothes and sheets and will never come to anyone to help him out. He bit me last time I tried. That’s for you to figure out.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means trying to get rid of a kid and giving him to you. However, I believe it might be better for him to spend days in the headquarters, where adults will be most of his company. I had to isolate him from other kids because of the way he acts. 

Signed with a seal from the House for the Children of the Wind

***

Dear Director

That’s truly a unique kid you put under my care. I would like to be informed early next time such arrangements are made without my knowledge (and agreement as well).

I think calling him a horrible child is an overstatement. He’s just scared of everyone and everything and hides it well under that smirk and fighting abilities (where did he learn that? if by himself then considered me very impressed).

Does he have any allergies or things he can’t eat? He’s awfully picky with his food and we need to let him look when we take the food out of the pot and put it on his plate and then he never wants to eat with us so I let him do it in his room.

He’s eating well and sleeping too. However, I don’t know how you expect me and the Vice Captain would be enough to have control over him? Also you didn’t say how poor of health he is, one day he caught the flu and the other we had to rush with him to the church for treatment (and prayers).

He surely isn’t bored with us because he follows everyone around and trains with everyone, but still didn’t choose his weapon. I would like him to use a claymore like me, but he’s more of a polearm guy, mark my words. For now I only let him use wooden weapons and it still hurts like shit when he gets me. What did you feed this kid?

Varka

***

Varka closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

“Come on. You’re too stubborn to just stop fighting like that.”

***

Dearest Lohen,

I admit my fault, how could I ever doubt you would die like that and leave me alone.

I’m still crying, that’s my miserable third attempt to write you a reply and not get the ink all smudged. Don’t apologise for what you made me feel because it all made me feel human again. I was everything I had to be and now I cry again when I see the flowers you picked with Aedon in mind and I feel fuzzy when I read every ‘darling’ you wrote. Where were these emotions before I can not say, but they only crawled out from the dark when you called.

You probably refuse to look at it from this point of view so let me say this. A star doesn’t know it shines, but just as you consider me your light, you are mine.

I think I need less tissues this time than an hour ago so we’re making some progress.

A spot on the carpet is yours. Any spot you like, really.

When you read this you probably underwent the surgery. I’m sorry. Maybe if I was there it wouldn’t happen. Maybe if I talked you out from taking part in this campaign, it would end up differently. 

Yes, I wanted to. 

I was a coward and didn’t manage to voice my concerns, but I didn’t want you to go. I didn’t feel what I feel now, but I was afraid. You reminded me of myself, of course you’re not the same as I am, but your devotion and refusal to ever drop things half done - I didn’t want that campaign to destroy you as a person. From what you wrote, it took some pieces of you that you’d prefer to have. I’ll help you get them all back.

You probably wish you could tease me and ask - what about the leg?

Maybe not all then, but I’ll make sure you get used to your prosthetic fast. Only if you want one, because you don’t have to, but remember we have Aino at our disposal.

Nightingales in that area are rather rare… I think there might be something going on with them lately. Since the day we learned your health was in danger, Aedon has been singing each night. He never did that before. Maybe he wanted his song to reach you?

With love,

Illuga

Reading the letter took him more than an hour. The letters kept running away from him and turned into different words. His mind was in absolute chaos. He wanted to tell Illuga he was okay. Maybe he was high, but he also no longer had a part of the body that sabotaged how the rest of his organism worked. It felt odd. He could see he didn’t have it, but if someone covered his eyes and asked if his shin was aching, he would say it was a little itchy. Doctors said that the psychosomatic pain will stay around for a while, but he couldn’t be sure how long and how exactly he was supposed to get rid of it. For now he focused on dictating the letter to Varka. 

***

Darling,

I had to ask the Grand Master to write this so that’s why handwriting is bad. He probably had to cross out dear before getting to darling as well. Now he looks at me and pouts.

Colours have smells and smells have sounds, fun times. I don’t remember what was for dinner today and what day it was. And now Grand Master will look at me in disbelief because I’m going to say I think I haven’t had breakfast but told three different nurses I was not given pudding for dessert so in the end I ate three. I wonder if the trick will work tomorrow. 

Grand Master forces me to use the pain scale. I’ll tell you mine. 1-5 I don’t care, I can bear it, I’m just more or less irritated about it. 6 is a broken leg I don’t think I ever experienced. 6.5 is like bleeding out with a chance of fainting. 7 would be Grand Master constantly scolding me for picky eating because he’s a pain in the ass (is his handwriting looking different when I laugh at him?). 8 and 9 I reserved in case these meds stop working and I would need more painkillers. One of the guys from the room recommended it to me. 10 is not seeing Illuga for nine months and fifteen days.

How’s Aedon? Nikita and Flins are getting along alright? How are Nefer’s eyes? Did she see that Lauma likes her? Did Jahoda sleep for more than five hours last week? How are you? Are you eating and sleeping well?

Stay safe and sound for me,

Lohen

Ps. I’m bad with writing and reading because the last dose of these drugs surely was meant for a horse and not me. Somebody forgets I weigh only 64 kg. 

Pps. I actually want to know if Nefer is doing okay, I was just scared I’d forget the line.

***

Dearest Lohen,

I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be Grand Master reading it out loud for you so I kindly ask to not tease Lohen about anything until he heals back.

As long as it keeps you alive and well please listen to your doctors and Grand Master. (At least for a while, once you’re back home you won’t have to do it that often.) Pay attention to your health, no need to put everything on scale, but I quite like yours. I think I would put not seeing you for nine months and seventeen days as 10 as well.

Once you’re back I’ll train with you and you’ll be back to your old dexterity sooner than you think. If you want to, you can stay as long as you want. I’d gladly keep you here. If you wish to go to Mondstadt I won’t be angry, but remember that summer months in your area tend to get hot and moist so in Nod Krai it would be easier to manage. Wouldn’t it?

Aedon can’t wait for you to come back and draw him live. Nikita is worried sick about you and Flins since he tends to disappear more often. The old man is double concerned and can’t stop talking about men being a human equivalent of male cats. You never know where they are, you feed them and they’ll leave you on a random Tuesday with no goodbye.

As for Miss Nefer, she doesn’t complain about her eyes at all, I know the Moonchanter sometimes visits her in the evenings for a cup of tea and to continue treatment. However we don’t know what exactly they do because Jahoda is always kicked out from the Curatorium then. I think you know well what I mean.

Besides, Moonchanter convinced Miss Nefer to visit Hisi Island last week for a small celebration. I could only stay for a while, but when I was leaving I saw Miss Nefer dancing with the Moonchanter. I saw she was having a lot of fun so if she ever tries to convince people she didn’t, you know the truth.

Since Miss Nefer was absent for a while, Jahoda had more work on her hands so I made sure she ate and slept. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about me. My nose is stuffed and most of the night I spend coughing or trying to stop coughing. Although Nikita let me out of the house, I’m banned from the base.

It’s okay if you don’t want to dictate your letters to Grand Master. I understand. Unless you enjoy seeing him flustered reading our correspondence. 

With love,

Illuga 

“What’s there to be flustered about?” Varka smirked. 

“Remember that next time I might want to write something more personal and later you’ll have to look Nikita in the eye knowing what you put on paper addressed to his son.”

“Maybe you should catch up on some sleep.” As he was leaving the room, Lohen was still laughing under his nose.

***

Darling,

Happy birthday, I thought we would be back by then, but life hasn’t been following my plans. But at least I can write my letters now.

So I can complain about stupid things without Grand Master sending me weird looks. If you’re wondering why you didn’t get a letter in four days - we had a quarrel. A very unserious one. Don’t worry.

First and foremost, we are the same age now. How thoughtful of me to wait for you so we could spend the rest of the year being evenly-old. Do you have any wishes for your day? We can rewind to it once I’m back and we’ll do whatever you want.

Yes, whatever. I won’t say no to anything. It’s a tremendous power in your hands, use it wisely. You can even ask me to dance. Okay, maybe not a lot because I’ll still be limping, but I promise to try my best. I could try making food, I’m no cook like you, but I can produce some edible and not poisonous dishes. You haven’t been to Mond before, how about tasting some of our desserts?

You have time, feel free to write a whole list.

They said if I remained stable they’d let me go in a week. For now they try to find the right dosage of meds for me and constantly remind me about rehabilitation. How do you rehabilitate half of the leg?

They said it’s in my head that I still feel it. You know how weird it is to want to scratch an ankle you don’t have? They come to check on my knee and if the wound is healing well. For now it is. But I won’t be home for the new year. Pity. I wanted to see how you celebrate in Nod Krai. Next time?

With love,

Lohen

***

Dearest Lohen,

Since you so generously offered, here is a list of things I would like to do with you on my birthday, in alphabetical order:

• Anything

I’m not the type to hold a big party, but I love cups of smetana with fruit that kids always get when they celebrate. I could teach you how to make Lakkaberry pie and you could teach me some recipes from Mondstadt. What do you think? Is it doable? I would like to try them all, even those that foreigners usually don’t like. Just don’t feed me too much alcohol because I won’t remember a thing at the of the day and I really want to. 

Honestly, at first I wanted to write you a list that took the space of that whole page, put it in two columns, unbearably long, for fun. But I don’t have that many wishes and my main one would be to spend that day with you and not worry about tomorrow. We could sleep in, eat late breakfast by the fireplace and-

I think I would like my birthday not to mix up with the end of the year celebration. Not that I complain, but it always does. A lot of food for my party was exactly the same as for that other occasion and people were mostly rushing through it because there was always something to do before December came to an end. I think that’s the fate of people who have their birthday on some national holiday, or worse, Children’s Day. You will never get double presents. The same goes to being born at the end of December - your New Year's gift serves as your birthday gift. When I was younger it was quite sad.

Could we make separate food? Could we pretend it’s totally not around all that New Year’s chaos? I won’t make you dance, but since you promised to stay with me - I want to lie down with my head on your lap when you sit by the fire.

I want to watch you draw too. Thank you so much for sending so many sketches of Aedon and nightingales, I love them all. 

Maybe I should have put some of these things on the list…

Are you preparing for the journey or did they ask you to stay for longer? I hope Grand Master makes sure you’re safe on the ship and that motion sickness won’t get you. In case you don’t feel too well - I attached a bottle with powdered ginger. It’s very spicy so don’t go overboard, but it kills nausea very well. I unfortunately don’t know how to help with psychosomatic pains, and Miss Moonchanter is horribly busy with the matters of the Moonfrost Scions. But I promise to educate myself more on the topic. 

Stay safe and sound,

With love,

Illuga

Ps. If you tell me when you’re gonna be travelling, I’ll take every night patrol by the sea to make sure I won’t miss your arrival. 

Pps. I think you never called me by my name. At least not in person and when I was around. Could you? Not only on my birthday. 

***

My darling Illuga,

You need to dream bigger. I clearly remember you once said you’d like to see the Moon from up close so why not ask for that? Leave it to me to figure it out.

I also know you wanted to spend the night at the top of the lighthouse and watch the sea for the whole time. Completely doable as well. 

If you’re not going to ask, I’ll give it to you anyway.

We’re leaving tomorrow and we’re going to have only two stops on the way back to resupply so I believe I’ll only send you two more letters before I come back.

I also don’t know which ports these are because we don’t know how long we’ll travel each day - it depends on the amount of fuel we need to fight off the wind. Let’s hope it will push us forward.

What an odd feeling. I won’t hear from you for the next few weeks, but we are only two letters apart. How does it sound? Are you smiling? I hope you do.

Stay safe and sound,

With love,

Lohen 

***

“Are you for real?” Varka hissed. His claymore was a few centimeters away from Lohen’s neck and they both froze. Lohen had a slice of cheese in his mouth and gave him an innocent glance. Even if Varka wanted to, he couldn’t be angry with him. He really tried though.

“I was hungry, I couldn’t eat the whole day, it swayed too much.” He mumbled and pushed the rest of the slice into his mouth.

“Would it hurt to make a sandwich like a normal person?”

“It’s hard to cut bread when the floor is moving and you need crutches.” Lohen glared at him and Varka bowed his head apologetically.

“Sit down, I’ll make it for you.”

“No need, I already got enough snacks. Your reflex is getting slower, Grand Master.”

“Barbatos give me patience.” Varka looked up, wiping his face with a hand.

“I think it’s ‘strength’.” Lohen slowly moved towards the bench and sat on it heavily, his hand rubbing his thigh.

“If he gives me strength I’ll strangle you before we get home.” There was no bitterness in his voice.

***

Love,

We’re going home and Lohen is already feeling better. I base my assumption on how much he sneaks around the ship thinking I can’t see. He also started eating more. I wouldn’t say he’s eating healthy (please don’t share that information with Illuga), but he no longer flinches when he has to eat a meal and I’m taking it as a progress. He gets a little motion sickness and when the waves get stronger it keeps him in his room since he loses balance and I don’t want him to break anything if he falls.

The winds are merciful and we’re moving faster than we estimated. Knock on wood, I don’t want to speak too soon.

I’m glad knowing that every night I go to sleep I’m one day closer to seeing you again.

Stay safe and sound and take care of Illuga for me,

Varka

***

My darling Illuga,

I’m not a fan of the ship. It sways a lot more than I remember, or maybe I could enjoy it more when I had two feet to stand on. Varka doesn’t let me jump around without crutches (valid, yesterday I almost face planted when he was turned away from me).

If you could, you would scold me for it. I know. But, darling, try to understand me, I was forced to either lie down or sit for weeks. Weeks. My back hurts, I’m too young to complain about my back aching, especially due to a sedentary lifestyle. I refuse. Besides, even when I walk, it doesn’t last too long because, who would expect, leaning on crutches is tiring and my arms weren’t prepared for it (after I was forced to stay put for weeks, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned).

If I could swim faster I would already be half way home, Nod Krai is not that far. 

When Varka heard me say this I was grounded in our room for three hours. And to think he was always the one to help Klee sneak out from the confinement room, what adulthood does to a man… have I ever told you about the confinement room? If not, I’ll better keep these stories for when I can hear and see you laughing.

The wind is cooler now and it gets crispy in the room when we air it out. Everyone always says the North is scary, but I’ve never been so glad to hear we will need warmer clothes from now on. My coat had seen better times so I wouldn’t mind if I could take your old winter one since you offered before. It always looked so cosy.

I’m feeling okay. Not the best, not the worst, my stomach is a mess of drugs and random food I consume when I’m not nauseous. I don’t even know if it’s the ship’s or the drugs’ fault. Thank you for the ginger because at least I’m not vomiting. I can’t wait until the world stops moving underneath me.

I would love to draw Aedon, but I physically can’t look down anymore today, I’m deeply sorry.

With love,

Lohen

***

My darling Illuga,

Barely a few days keep me away from you (and a very cold sea - so I dropped the idea of swimming to Nod Krai with my own hands).

You’ll tease me in the future about what I want to say, but I need you to know that as much as I’m delighted to see you, I’m also terrified. As if I was meeting you for the first time. Do you remember that I’m not gonna be there just for a night? I promised to stay, but will you stand me for so long? When I write I have so much time to put my incomprehensible thoughts into words and I think before I write (since we are short on paper now). What if you don’t like me in person? What if me in letters is too far off from me in real life? What if you’re going to be disappointed?

I know I won’t be because I’m miserably in love with a man who is a literal angel personified. I miss you terribly, I fall asleep with that thought every night because it gets too dark without you here. I’ve been rereading the letters so I apologise if I bring them more crumpled than I promised. They were appreciated and the sender is very much adored, hence the need to come back to them.

I think it's fitting that you sent the first letter and I’m sending the last one. It sounds like we are never going to write to each other again - it means we would never be far apart enough to have to write. Would you mind writing one to me every once in a while even when we are at home? You don’t have to send it, you can ask Aedon to bring it from one side of the room to the other and I’ll do the same.

I don’t want it to be our last letter, it sounds too depressing.

I don’t want to finish this one, what if something happens before we reach the shore and my last spoken word to you is just ‘bye’ and wave of hand from the ship?

It would be cruel. I kindly ask the Wind and Moon to guide us. The problem is, I never prayed so I don’t know if my words ever reach them. My requests are not a priority. 

I’m not in the mood to tease Varka anymore so he thought I got sick again and now checks my forehead every half an hour. God forbid man has a melancholic episode.

I drew Aedon with a few more nightingales around, I hope I’ll be forgiven for not sending any drawings last time.

With love,

Lohen

***

Everyone was asleep. Only Varka and Lohen remained on the deck even though the night was pinching their cheeks mercilessly. The sea was calm as ever and they already saw lights from afar. Varka peeked at Lohen, he was perched on the ship's side, like he wanted to be a little closer to Nod Krai this way. He leaned on his arms, hoping to see someone in the distance. Varka watched with unspoken bliss how the excitement came back to Lohen’s eyes. He sat by his side, ready to catch him by the coat if the knight decided to jump out and swim.

“Can you see?” Lohen nudged him and pointed towards the shore. “There’s something moving.”

“If you stare at the lights for too long, you’ll see things that are not there.” Just as Lohen turned around to glare at him, a small, moving object just shot by their faces. Lohen watched it with quiet awe, and then the light took the shape of a bird that started circling around them to finally nuzzle up to Lohen’s neck. He chuckled and tried to catch Aedon, who kept rubbing against him like a clingy cat.

“Hi… good to see you.” Lohen whispered and held the bird softly, pressing his cheek to the bright feathers. He was like a ray of sun that finally defrosted Lohen’s fingers so they stopped hurting from the cold. The snow kept slowly falling down and landing on Lohen’s sleeves where he watched each flake from up close. Now, Aedon’s light made the leftover snow around them shine brightly.

“I’ll get your baggage. We’ll be getting off soon.” Varka announced and disappeared under the deck.

Lohen swallowed and once again looked towards the shore. It looked empty, but the lights and snow made it all more confusing to him. Did Illuga and Flins get Varka’s info about their port of entry? Did they decide to wait for them each night as Illuga promised? 

He didn’t need to wait long for his answer.

As they stood on the shore, he let out a loud sigh of relief.

“Thank you for enjoying the journey with me so much. Maybe kiss the ground as you’re at it.” Varka smirked and Lohen elbowed him in the ribs so hard that the other folded forward. “Where do you take all of that strength from…” he breathed through teeth, but Lohen no longer cared about him.

There was a silhouette emerging from the dark and running towards them. When he saw the grayish hair, he almost dropped the crutches and wanted to rush forward as well. A heavy hand of Varka on his shoulder kept him in place. He didn’t say no, he didn’t mother him, but his gaze begged him to stay here. Something squeezed in Lohen’s chest. If only he could shorten that distance by a few seconds, he wouldn’t have to wait for Illuga to do it alone. He breathed shakily when the man’s steps became even more erratic and Varka moved away at the last second before Illuga crashed into him.

“Welcome home,” he let out breathily and chuckled right next to Lohen’s ear. He was so warm. Lohen leaned into the hug, realising how perfect they fit together, how Illuga belonged here in his arms, and everything felt in place.

“Good to see you back…” he whispered and rubbed his cheek against Illuga’s hair. Aedon squeezed in between them, pitifully attempting to find a spot where Lohen ended and Illuga began, but they pressed into each other like they were made to be one. Lohen took pity on him and moved only slightly to give him some space. Aedon chirped and nuzzled up, happy to be a part of the reunion.

“I think I'm losing balance.” Lohen squeezed Illuga apologetically, but the other only took a step back to grab the crutches for him. Lohen didn’t even know when he dropped them. “Thank you,” he whispered and Illuga looked at him with so much softness he could fall asleep on it. “Nikita truly lived up to his promise. The whole shore turned into a lighthouse.”

“We wanted you to have a bright way home.”

“It certainly feels bright.” He smiled and Illuga reached his hands to put them on Lohen’s cheeks. Taking him in, learning by heart all the details forgotten over the time apart. He was beaming more than before and Lohen closed his eyes, feeling at ease when Illuga’s thumbs pressed against his skin. 

Why did he only learn now how comfortable it was to lean on someone? He was shaking with cold barely minutes before and now Illuga warmed him up so much Lohen felt like he was about to melt. As if he was just a mint jelly someone put on the counter in the sun and forgot about it. His edges softened, body growing limp, and he was slowly dissolving into a warm mess that clung to Illuga. Everything around them disappeared, only light remained and small, gentle noises Aedon was making from the joy of having them both at once.

“Thank Moons that you’re back.” Illuga bowed his head and let out a long exhale, as if the reality finally settled.

“I had someone waiting for me, it would be rude not to come.” Lohen leaned closer and nicked his nose with his own. “I was wondering if there would be any lovely lightkeeper to escort me to you, but I think the problem solved itself.”

“You have the best escort I could provide, my dearest Captain. Allow me.”

***

Nikita smirked under his nose, watching them from afar and leaving them to their antics - the only right option. He didn’t expect he would have two companions. He could at least explain his need to check on the boys as the duty of supervising own kid that hadn’t been feeling too well, what these two had to say?

“You said all Mondstadters are free like the wind, I think someone just tamed one wild soul.” He met Varka’s gaze above Flins’ head. 

“I said they are free, not that they never settle. Even the strongest current will bow in front of a mountain.” He shrugged and Flins raised his eyes at him.

“Are you sure you’re not trying to find a fitting metaphor for two exceptions to the rule, dear?” Flins teased. “Usually the wind turns back once it meets an obstacle or finds a way around. Why does it stay though?” he asked, and Nikita now was completely focused on Varka as well. ‘Be very careful what you’re going to say next’ could be read from his expression alone.

“Well… you see, Kyryll, sometimes winds are persistent and linger, shaping the terrain until they can become a part of it. They carve into mountains, circle them, and keep returning. For better or for worse, for rains and snows, for days and nights, to the mountains that welcome them every time.”

Nikita turned away with an eye roll. Varka’s explanation seemed to be enough for Flins who fondly brushed the man’s chin and then quietly observed Illuga leading Lohen to his house.

“You’ll have a very charming outlaw for an in-law,” he added, making Nikita groan.

“I’m afraid it won’t be my only one.”

***

“I was thinking of getting you a bed, but mine’s big enough so we can share.”

“I have no reason to protest.” Lohen dropped on the chair with a sigh and Illuga took the coat from him.

“Will you protest if I offer to help you out in the bathroom?” he asked as he grabbed the towels from the drawer.

“Only a little.” Lohen leaned on the table, settling his head on his arms.

“Can you do it now so we can keep our no fight streak for another hour longer? I’m sure you have arguments prepared.” Illuga sat next to him and Lohen sent him a mischievous glance.

“Do you want them in alphabetical order? Should we go one by one, or should I say all of them at once?”

“Go ahead with all in whatever order you consider fitting.”

“I can do it myself. After the hospital my privacy doesn’t exist. I don’t want you to feel obliged to do it every day and I know you will. I should learn how to deal with it alone. It never stops feeling awkward. And why do you get to see me naked first? I have lots of scars, you might not like it. I also washed my hair a week ago, you don’t want to touch that. Fresh water on the ship is a luxury. And my…” He closed his eyes. “And my knee still looks nasty.” He heard Illuga leaning on the table as well, close enough for Lohen to feel his presence.

“Is that all you prepared?” he asked, and suddenly his hand was brushing back Lohen’s bangs, combing through hair that was in desperate need of brushing.

“I can try to come up with more,” Lohen murmured because Illuga’s fingers on his scalp felt godly.

“I can promise I won’t look until I have to and I’ll turn back when you clothe yourself. I’m not doing it to embarass you. I just want to help you, it’s not like becoming a knight equals the need for help expiration. Of course you can do it alone, I wouldn’t doubt you, but you don’t have to.” His fingers slid along Lohen’s face, now stroking his cheek. “If you don’t mind my scars I don’t mind yours, it’s as simple as that. I’ve seen too many to be scared. And exactly because you washed your hair a week ago you need that shower. If that’s going to help we can sit in the bath together later.” He tapped his nose and Lohen opened his eyes because he was sure Illuga was blushing. He wanted to see his pinky cheeks and how adorable he looked. He would enjoy the sight for a while longer if not being asked a question. “Lohen, does it hurt?” 

Of course it does. When he thinks about it, when he doesn’t, when he wakes up, or walks for too long, when the rain is coming and when it goes away. And it hurts him in his chest too, every time he wants to get up and just quickly reach for something a meter away and the balance is just not there, but for some reason the pain in his shin doesn’t go away even though the flesh left long ago.

Illuga’s hand cupped his cheek and remained there.

“Let me handle the shower for you today, okay? I’ll be gentle and as for the scar… it doesn’t bother me, I’m just happy to have you here, it doesn’t change a thing.” He kept stroking his skin. “We won’t soak you in hot water, don’t worry about that, alright? I have common sense and what I don’t know I’ll ask about. If anything hurts, we’ll stop. But Lohen, you need to rinse yourself, wash off that journey and salt water off your body.”

“But you’ll just help me, no doing everything for me.” 

Illuga blinked.

“Of course. I’m just helping. You’re gonna take care of most of the things, I’m going to make sure you’re not soaking the leg or losing balance. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Once Illuga placed a chair by the sink and helped Lohen sit down and lean his head back, the knight knew his plan to be independent today flew out of the window.

“Your hair got longer,” Illuga whispered as he used a small pot to pour warm water from the bucket over Lohen’s hair and, oh Archons, it felt godly.

“I didn’t want anyone to cut it,” he admitted, “I only cut my bangs. It was a hazard asking anyone in the camp to do it.”

“Do you want to tell me that Grand Master Varka of so many virtues doesn’t have a skill in that department?” Illuga’s tone was playful and Lohen knew he tried to keep him distracted. “Isn’t it one of the requirements to join the Knights? Being able to give a good haircut?”

“If this was a requirement Varka would never become a Grand Master.”

“Did you learn it the hard way?”

“I wasn’t a crybaby, but the first time he gave me a haircut I sobbed my eyes out and I didn’t talk to him for three days.” He smiled hearing Illuga laughing.

“Maybe that’s why he is so keen on Flins. It was hair all along. Feels like an opportunity to learn.”

“Warn him sooner than later.” He smirked and had to close his mouth or he would sigh too loud. Illuga started lathering the shampoo on his scalp.

“I’m not pulling?” He asked, but Lohen could only shake his head. Illuga continued in silence and washed his hair once more to get rid of any dirt he missed the first time. The comb finally moved through his whole length and Illuga told him he could sit straight. The towel caught all the stray droplets of water and then Lohen’s dripping strands were dried with the lightkeeper’s swift hands.

“Could you cut it?” Lohen asked. “Just a little so it’s not that long and uneven.”

“Sure.” Illuga didn’t need to be asked twice, he brushed his strands and fixed those that got too long and cut where they looked brittle. “Why do you trust me with your hair if Grand Master traumatised you in the past?”

“You’re not Grand Master and I remember you said you cut your own hair.” The sound of snipping quieted for a moment.

“You truly remember what I had said.” Illuga kept separating his pieces and cutting along the invisible lines as he was taught long ago and always did it like that since. His hands didn’t shake, he gave haircuts to very energetic kids all the time, he learned to work fast and efficiently. Lohen’s patience was rather thin and now that he didn’t feel at his best meant that Illuga didn’t have much time to ponder whether he should or not do it. He will even it out some other day when Lohen feels like it. He collected the hair off the floor and threw it into the bin. “Done.”

Lohen reached his hand back and combed through short strands with ease and relief.

“Thank you, darling.” He sent him a flickering look over the shoulder, thinking Illuga’s cheeks would turn pink once more, but the lightkeeper leaned closer. He looked almost too smug.

“No problem, my dearest.” He held Lohen’s gaze, who was too busy looking for his breath to pretend the word didn’t affect him at all. Illuga chuckled when Lohen broke eye contact and mewled.

“Oh in real life it sounds so much better…” He said as if he experienced an emotional knock out.

“You’ll hear it more often so you’ll get used to it.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Of course you will, dea-” before Illuga finished the sentence, Lohen covered his mouth.

“No. No, I can’t take another one now.” He could feel Illuga’s smile against his palm. The man gently pushed away his hand by the wrist and then announced he would bring more hot water. He mixed it with the cold one in two buckets by Lohen’s chair.

“I won’t ask again, but you’re sure you don’t want me to help more? You can always ask if you change your mind.”

“I’ll be okay.” Lohen whispered so Illuga put everything he could need in the arm’s reach. Fresh water, the sponge, soap and towels. On the ship he mostly maintained the basic level of hygiene as anyone else so now it somehow felt overwhelming. Even the idea of taking off his trousers and where to drop them- and maybe he should sit on the floor to not get the chair wet. Illuga didn’t say he minded, but Lohen didn’t want to cause him any trouble on the first day.

“Do you have any fresh clothes in your baggage?” he asked. 

“Better not open it.” Lohen warned. 

“I’ll give you mine then.” Why was it all so simple to him? So natural? As if it wasn’t new to him, as if he got used to it before Lohen even arrived. “You’re a bit taller so I took the ones that are a bit bigger for me. Put them all on when you finish. The nights are cold.” He hesitantly moved towards the door, when Lohen stopped him.

“Illuga.”

“Yes?” Again. That squeeze in his chest that made Lohen physically tremble. Illuga showed him so much consideration in such a short timespan, Lohen was slowly drowning under it. Now he needed Illuga to keep his head above it all and help him breathe.

“Can you stay?” The words barely left Lohen’s throat, like they were on strings and something kept pulling them back.

“By the door? Or do you want me to sit here?”

“Would you mind sitting here?” He had to fight for each of these words to come out.

“Not at all.” Illuga brought himself a little stool and sat in the corner, head turned a little to the side as Lohen started taking off his clothes.

“Can I just throw them on the floor?”

“Throw them towards me, I’ll wash them later.” He brushed it off and they just sat there as Lohen showered his way too sensitive skin. Illuga folded his clothes and put them in the basket. “Lohen?”

“Yes?”

“Do you remember when I said I wanted to spend the night at the top of the lighthouse?”

Lohen rinsed his chest and arms, looking at the greyish water spilling down the drain on the floor. The dust of the journey clung to his skin and the mist of fumes never failed to thread through his clothes and hair. He had to almost scratch his elbows clean. Funny that Illuga asked right now, because their conversation took place in a similar setting.

“I don’t know the exact day, but after we sparred once until the night grew dark. You didn’t want to let go so we fought until our hands almost froze to the weapons.”

“You didn’t want to let go, I wanted a tie.” Illuga chuckled and Lohen huffed dramatically.

“You said you didn’t want to argue, let’s say we both didn’t want to lose,” he continued, “later when we were in the showers you said you’d want to watch the stars reflect in the sea from a high spot. If only the night was warm.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you memorised quite some things about me that I don’t even remember.”

“And where does this revelation lead you?” Lohen uncovered the bandage from his leg at last, trying not to send another wave of tingling through the skin with too rapid moves.

“That you’re horribly good at hiding that you care for people.” 

Without a word, Lohen put a pyjama shirt on without any help and struggled for a while with pants. Illuga put a dry towel on the floor so he could stand on it and put on the sweater with a little help. The fuzziness of clothes almost lulled him to sleep right there and then, but he was promised a bowl of steaming soup before bed and he refused to doze off. He smiled when Aedon flew towards them from his shelf, where he was patiently waiting, and then nestled on Lohen’s lap.

“For someone who is described as a brave and unwavering fighter, you’re quite a kitty at heart.” Lohen chuckled and stroked the bird’s head. As if wanting to humour him, Aedon let out a small breathy sound that resembled a purr. Even Illuga halted while putting the bowls on the table.

“You’re on a good way to domesticate him more.” He sat by his side even though they had more chairs to choose from and Lohen started wolfing down food. It tasted exactly the same as he remembered, even with his senses dulled and memories intensified with fear and longing he would never get to eat Nod Krai dishes again.

“I missed it,” he admitted, “maybe you should be a cook and not a lightkeeper.”

“Why not both?” Illuga smiled and brought him seconds. “Since I have a Captain in the house maybe I'll have more motivation to spend in the kitchen.”

“Do you want to impress me so badly? No need, I’m already sold.” He briefly remembered about the meds he was supposed to take so in the end Illuga had to see the contents of the baggage to take it out. Lohen pointed at the small bundle in the side pocket.

“I have some more drawings of Aedon there so you can take it out.” At the words, the bird woke up from his slumber and scuttled through the room to see them from up close. Lohen leaned his head on the wrist and his eyes started slowly closing for more and more time, until his chin slid off the wrist and he almost face planted into the bowl.

He didn’t know when the lights dimmed and when Illuga changed, but when he asked him to come to bed, Lohen happily obliged. A warm and soft bed he wished for was right there and the second Illuga settled next to him, they got tangled together. Lohen checked if he fit in the crook of Illuga’s neck and he was glad to learn he did.

“Illuga…” he mumbled, his hand absentmindedly playing with his hair.

“Hm?” Illuga embraced Lohen a little tighter, hand cupping the back of his head protectively, as if someone could come during the night and try to take the knight away from him.

“Did you dye it fresh?” There was silence for a moment, he thought Illuga fell asleep before he heard the question.

“How do you know?”

“It feels and looks fresh.” He twisted one strand around his finger. “Did you want to show it off?” A calloused hand rested on Illuga’s neck.

“No need to show off when a man is observant.”

“A compliment.” Lohen purred against Illuga’s skin. “I’ll take it.”

“I thought you were sleepy,” Illuga whispered.

“I am… but I wanna talk… and I wanna listen to you, I only had that in my head all that time.” He took away Illuga’s breath as he squeezed him as tight as he could.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, coughing, “you’re staying as well. It’s your home too, the keys are already waiting.” Illuga pressed a kiss to his hair and Lohen found himself tearing up so he closed his eyes. “I already imagined how I’m going to convince you to stay here for longer before you go back to Mondstadt.” Lohen sniffled.

“I don’t wanna go anywhere when you’re here,” he explained matter-of-factly and then smirked, “I need to keep other men and women away from you."

“Lohen, you’ve been the sole occupant of my mind and I don’t think it’s gonna change.” Illuga gently scratched his scalp and Lohen sighed. “You can sleep tight.”

“But Illuga-”

“I swear nobody’s going to take me away and I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“So we’re not getting up at 5?” he asked weakly and Illuga chuckled. “I’m forwarding a petition to make today, or tomorrow, or whatever day it’s gonna be, to start in the afternoon.”

“Petition accepted, I made sure all alarms were off before you asked. Now try to get some rest, you went through too much lately, you’re obliged to sleep.”

“Illuga…”

“Lohen.” His voice turned a little more stern. “You’re loved. You’re loved right now and you’re loved tomorrow, and for however many days we have left together. It won’t change after you snore.”

Lohen was too startled by the amount of ‘love’ in the sentence to say he never snored. Illuga shifted their weight only slightly and Lohen’s leg stretched, satisfying the muscles he tensed for so long.

“And I’m not changing my mind.” Illuga poked his cheek. “I was shaking with every bone in my body when you got hurt and I was getting hot all over at the littlest form of endearment you wrote down. So I’m glad I can hear it in person. I’ll be your dearest, darling, and whatever you want, I’m not backing out.”

“I’m glad the light led me back here.” Lohen pressed a kiss to Illuga’s shoulder, a quiet thanksgiving to the Moons for allowing him to hold the man he cherished. “May kuuhenki guide more lovers to their treasured ones.” He felt Illuga’s heart pounding against his own chest.

“May the Wind forever be blessed as it brought you back to me.”

Outside their warm abode, the Wind made its presence known as it returned home once more. Beneath the night sky, a wandering breeze shaped the clouds above Nod Krai, quietly preparing a rare sunny day for them to savour at dawn. The Moon only smiled, letting the zephyr play around as she blessed the land with more glow. May life be bright, may sleep be peaceful,

may light lead the way home.