Chapter Text
The pub was full that night and everyone was well behaved. The publican had been interviewed by the police and the newspaper after he hit a thief with a cricket bat. Everyone thought the publican had made a good choice until they realized that he might hit them, too.
Alex saw Miles often enough to know him. What was good about him. What was said about him that was not true.
Alex enjoyed it.
His eyes watched Miles come in through the front door of the pub. He was wearing a new jacket, a heavy one. His face was white and the tip of his nose was bright red. A weekend of snow in the middle of spring. The climate change activists had threatened to take over London Bridge until the government stopped the production and transport of fossil fuels in Britain. The worker's unions had announced they were sick of industry being lost and poverty being created to please marijuana smoking idiots. The majority of voters agreed with the worker's union.
Alex watched people who recognized Miles poke fun at his jacket. They slipped fingers into the pockets, pretended to find a bag of cocaine or the address card of a famous transgender escort in Soho.
There was no irritation and no fear with Miles.
Miles somehow knew everything and, if he ever lied, it was nearly all true.
He was a cunning and unusual person.
Alex had become used to being pleased to see him.
"How are things? What have you been doing?" Miles would ask whenever he appeared. He asked those questions as he came to the bar, saw Alex, and moved tp the northern end.
There it was. The gate opened. Peace like cigarettes and alcohol and deep sleep.
What good gifts to recieve from a person.
Alex told Miles about the new house he had moved into and the rottweiler next door.
"Completely placid with people until someone starts shouting, then she is a guard with all the weapons out. There is this old bastard at the other end of the road that has black alsatians, two of them. The dogs are fine, but he sells cheap Chinese cigarettes out of his garage." Alex described. "Hence the black Alsatians. Just in case the police come around, or some other criminal activity starts. How many drinks have I had? I sound like my Mum complaining about the lack of law and order."
"From the time I arrived?" Miles grinned. "Four."
"Ah. Fuck." Alex nodded.
"You can still sit up straight. You'll be fine." Miles looked to his watch. "Are you here with anyone?"
"I was, but they saw their girlfriends and friends of their girlfriends." Alex said. "Nick was talking to some Druid that owns about thousand acres of land and Matt got caught by some prostitutes his girlfriend goes partying with."
Alex thought Miles laughed a lot. He had only told the truth.
Must be the Druid, Alex thought.
"Nick's girlfriend is a bit of a witch." Alex said. "I am not insulting her, I am just saying it as it is. Trying to get a job anywhere these days where the boss does not act like an arsehole is nearly impossible. But this Druid asked her if she wants to be his...how do I word this? Like a land manager, you know?"
"Is she a big woman?" Miles asked. "There is a ton of work involved in that. Driving stuff, lifting stuff, cutting it up with a chainsaw and dragging it about."
"She is normal sized." Alex answered. "But no piercings in her face and she has got bracelets on her wrists and rings on her fingers and she..." He began to laugh at the look of amusement on Miles face. "Honestly, if you saw her with Nick, you would say that they suit each other. If you saw her with me you would say she could do better than me. Chubby, sexy...I need to shut the fuck up."
Miles slowly and ironically clapped.
"She's not my type." Alex shook his head. He reached for his drink only to remember that it was empty.
"Sure." Miles said. He considered the empty glass and thought it looked like most people after a few well-placed insults.
Alex's brow and forehead moved in a dark expression for a moment. He did not fail to read Miles, but he failed to read himself.
"You can tell me something little like that." Miles replied. "I am the grand master of inappropiate behaviour. You being able to see an attractive and interesting woman in your mate's life is basic human sense. Nothing twisted in it."
"Other people make it twisted." Alex said. "They do it for fun. Pleasure in someone's misery and suffering."
"Not me, love." Miles assured him.
"Why the fuck are we..." Alex's pupils dilated and shrunk before Miles eyes. Miles lauhhed at the numerous expressions that fluttered across Alex's face as he attempted to comprehend the world beyond the inhibition of alcohol.
"I call lots of people "love"." Miles dived into the point he thought was in dire need of clarifying to Alex's drunk mind. "It is like throwing grain out to the chickens. It is like putting oil into the parts of a machine."
Alex could have said much more, but he chose to keep his mouth shut.
Miles had called him "love" often enough for Alex to find it normal. It was said rarely enough to be desired, and it was desired.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Alex thought. The world around him had lost colour. A black and white film for three and a half seconds.
"I don't think I'm well." Alex said.
Miles leant against the bar and gazed at him.
"I reckon that you're ashamed of something that you do not need to be." He said. "Even if it was your fault, you did your time. But these things that follow you around? I believe in karma, everything happens for a reason. Lessons to us all every day of the week. I forbid you to drink a bottle of whisky and drown in the bath."
Both young men knew that they did not sound like themselves.
But one young man was looking at another affected by alcohol, and one young man could not remember who he was. He knew he liked the other young man near him.
"I wasn't planning on being drunk tonight." Miles said. "I was looking for you and your circus."
"My circus?" Alex echoed before he realized that Miles meant Matt, Nick and Jamie.
"I know a very rich woman that wants to get rid of some stuff." Miles continued. "She's so rich that you don't have to pay anything for the stuff. She just wants to know it is going to good people. Now, as for what I'm talking about? I'm talking about furniture, modern stuff and nice antiques. Old cars and motorcycles that can actually be used. And, a really good flat available for a cheap rent if it goes to good people."
"Is she mental?" Alex asked.
"She recently converted to Buddhism and wants to be kind." Miles answered.
"She can fuck off." Alex laughed. "That is mental. Seriously, that is...do not come near me again with anything like that ever again. If any of us got anything she'll change her mind and accuse us of theft."
"Nevermind, then. All is well." Miles accepted without offense.
"How have you been?" Alex asked. "Apart from...rich nutters and the...new jacket?"
"I moved into a new place owned a Doctor of Philosophy." Miles said. "He has a little house attached to the back of his big house near the university. He never advertised in the newspaper or used an estate agent. I just met him one night in that Italian restaurant near the hospital and I talk to everyone so I -"
"You're fucking unbelievable." Alex interrupted. "I had to look at eight properties before I moved into my new place and the place is shit."
Miles laughed and laughed.
"Come on." He said. "Come over for the night. Have a reprieve from your new, shit house."
Alex refused.
"You hate me, now?" Miles laughed. "That's not fair, love. Come on."
Twice tonight you have called me that, Alex thought.
"I hate this night, I wish it had never happened." Alex said.
"I've been here for about twenty minutes and no one has asked if I want a drink." Miles looked around the full pub. "Oh, fuck, take a look at this." He urgently shoved Alex's shoulder.
Alex twisted around in his seat to see the Druid telling off the three whores that Matt's girlfriend went partying with. It appeared they had thought they could buy drugs from him and he was not happy about it.
"Probably a good idea if we do not get involved." Alex said.
"Or let us just fuck off right now?" Miles answered.
"My circus is still here." Alex used the term ironically.
"Run away from them." Miles advised.
The conversation was too strange. Both young men were uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Alex looked at the cuff of the jacket on Miles wrists as Miles watched the argument over Alex's shoulder.
The Druid soon left, and Nick's girlfriend looked as though she would murder someone.
"Alex." She came up to him. "Nice to meet you." She added to Miles. "I told Nick that I have to go but if he does not remember what happened in the morning tell him my boss got accused of being a paedophile because he unfortunately looks like a paedophile that escaped from prison earlier this week. Have a good night."
Miles mouth hung open as she kissed Alex's cheek and patted Miles shoulder before she left.
"Fucking hell!" He said lowly. "I am amazed he did not hit one of the stupid bitches with his walking stick!"
The circus soon appeared.
Matt thought the situation was hilarious. Nick genuinely believed someone would end up murdered even if it took six months. Jamie thought everything was ridiculous. He agreed with Nick that someone would be found dead in about six months.
"If we are a circus, then who is who?" Alex asked.
Miles explained to the others the meaning of the nickname.
Suggestions flew back and forth. Acrobats and strongmen. Animal handlers and ringleaders.
It was silly talk, but the easiest of the evening.
Alex nearly went to sleep at the bar. His loose tongue and alcohol effected brain did not confess his inner thoughts into open air. He thanked God, or whatever was closest to God.
He was aware of his hand slipping into Jamie's jacket. He leaned back against Matt's body and said something that made him laugh. Nick was worried about his girlfriend and asked Alex if she had been crying.
You should get married, Alex thought. Or maybe you should not
"Where did Miles Kane go?" Alex asked.
He realized that the others laughed because the alcohol he had drunk had him losing time.
Perhaps it was that funny.
/ / /
Miles was seen again two weeks later.
Alex had suffered a terrible argument with his parents.
He had spent time with Matt until Matt's parents had called to tell him that Alex's parents had experienced some sort of breakdown.
Too many people knew each other's business.
Alex went out, and if karma did exist, it favoured him.
Miles moved into the booth that he had been sitting in, and without any effort, Alex had jumped into the little world Miles could build.
"I am afraid...that I need to be saved from who they perceive me to be." Alex said.
Cigarette butts left in the ash tray can still catch fire.
Words said long ago, truth or lies, truth and lies, live in the human mind.
"You probably do." Miles replied. "I reckon you could do with it."
A sharp grin. A soft grin.
Yes, the two can co-exist. That simultaneous presence.
Frozen meat left to thaw and a form of love that takes a long time to bear fruit.
Fruit? God, what a term for him.
Human beings are delicate and sensitive creatures. They make poetry.
Human beings are deranged and perverted creatures. They learn to sing before they speak and the sound moves through valleys and across oceans.
"Did I say all of that aloud?" Alex asked. "I think...it is so loud sometimes I wonder if I have been talking to myself and I do not realize it."
"You know what you need?" Miles answered. "No, seriously? You know what you need? A new brain. A new brain that stops telling you that you are a shit person all of the time. If I cracked your head open and looked inside, you would die. It is pretty obvious and it is horrible for you. But I can give you four tablets, and if you take them before you go to sleep, you will wake up tomorrow with a new brain."
Alex laughed.
"Is this one of these shit stories they used to frighten children with?" He asked. "Because I can guess the ending. I have heard them all before."
"You will not wake up with brain damage." Miles smiled. His eyes shone with humor and happiness. "You will have the best parts of yourself without the worst parts of yourself."
"You are going to turn me into a freak of nature?" Alex said.
"You are already a freak of nature." Miles answered. "Or so you have told me. Two small white tablets. Two large tablets. Blue and white. It is the best decision that you will ever make."
"What if I think that you're the fucking devil?" Alex asked. He was not angry.
"You can think that. You can think whatever you want about me." Miles said. "But I can see that you are suffering and I know how to fix it. I wish you would let me do it."
"Trust you?" Alex tucked his hair behind his ears. He felt the light weight of his fringe on his forehead. "I should trust you that much?"
"Please." Miles said. He did not beg. He did not grovel or implore. He simply waited. Stable and strong.
He said that he knew better. He did.
"We had better get married, then." Alex joked.
"Alright. Fair enough." Miles accepted.
"For fuck's sake." Alex shook his head. He felt happy. The sort of happiness that other people felt. "I mean...to trust you to do what you say you can do..."
"I know what you mean." Miles told him.
"Really? Do you?" Alex's eyebrows raised.
"I know I cannot put it into context for you." Miles smile returned. "And I know that you do not trust me or many others. But you do not trust yourself. You are a good person, deep down, and you are missing out. Say yes to me. I am not going to kill you."
"But what actually happens?" Alex asked. "Am I going to be jumping up and down, running around like an idiot? Am I going to feel like my Grandfather has died again? What is it?"
"It is not like that." Miles said. "No excitement and no sadness. No pressure and no sin. Come on. Say yes to me."
"There is too much detail in this that you are not telling me about." Alex said. "You are not a Hindu mystic. A...what are the Buddhist ones?"
"Illama." Miles said.
"Lama." Alex corrected.
They stared at each other before the joke was understood.
It would have been a good choice of words to laugh at, yet they did not laugh.
"I still would not say yes, even to one of them." Alex said.
Miles face did not lose any humor or easiness of manner.
"Pity." He said. "But you have to admit that I look better than some Evanglist priest waving a crucifix around and declaring that I have healed you?"
"You are halfway there."
"How dare you accuse me of being an Evanglist?"
They did laugh, then.
"The party is not complete without you." Miles said. "And before you ask, I learned to think and then I learned to say what I think. Before you give me some sort of inquiry, or some sort of insult, that explanation will cover nearly everything."