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Fire is a terrible element—at least according to Quinn. He had never enjoyed fire at all; throughout his entire life, he had always shied away from candles unless someone was in the room to supervise at all times (and Quinn himself never initiated said candle-lighting; it was always someone else’s idea), was made anxious by gas stoves (it seemed to him that an open flame was never a good idea while cooking), and hated going to hibachi restaurants. Furthermore, his biggest fear in life was having his house (or apartment, hotel, etc) catch on fire while he was sleeping and waking up to flames and smoke. Whether he would ever admit it to anyone or not, he always checked to make sure the oven was not on every night before he went to sleep, whether he even used the oven that day or not, and he was very conscious of electrical outlets, what items he kept near them, and how carefully he plugged and unplugged things from them.
Quinn theorized that his fear of fire had grown from watching firefighters trying to put out a huge, blazed apartment building only a few houses down from his own at the ripe age of four years old. It was one of Quinn’s earliest and most clear memories and he remembered with crystal clear visuals watching the flames from his porch and curled up in his mother’s arms while she rocked on the porch swing. His parents must have been having some sort of party or gathering at the time because multiple adult family members were there on the porch, as well, and he recalled that watching the fire felt like a party with all of those people there, but Quinn only felt helpless and scared. He remembered thinking that the fire was going to travel down the street and burn up his own house, and he was so irritated that no one else was as freaked out as he about the whole situation. That fear had stuck with him into adulthood, when he would bite at his lip nervously at the sound of a firetruck siren while he was at the grocery store and wonder irrationally if it was his own house to which they were headed.
His bandmates had always laughed at his fear and made fun of him, playing with lighters and occasionally lighting small objects on fire in front of him and watching him freak out. They thought it was all in good fun, but Quinn wasn’t laughing about it at all. That’s why, when the band was discussing their upcoming tour, he thought it was a joke when Dan had suggested they buy pyrotechnics and have a “sweet” fire show to open the set, but lo and behold, Dan had been serious and Bert and Jeph had loved the idea. Quinn had expressed his reluctance about the idea, but the three of them had gone straight to work attempting to convince Quinn that it would be okay, and he hadn’t wanted to be the party-pooper, so he had just left it at that and decided to suck it up.
Today was their first day of touring and he had been thinking about the pyrotechnics all day long, checking and rechecking with the pyro crew to make sure everything was going as planned so far. He had bitten his fingernails raw and hadn’t been able to focus on anything all day, and when they had tested the pyrotechnics during soundcheck, he had been far, far away from the stage, covering his eyes when they went off. However, all of the openers had already played now and there was no more avoiding the stage.
Quinn stood by the side of the stage, giving Bert, Jeph, and Dan their ritual pre-show hugs before watching as the lights went down and the crowd began to scream. He took a deep breath when their opening music began to play, lights flashing in time with beats, and he knew it was coming soon. His hands began to shake a bit and he wiped his palms on his jeans, nibbling anxiously at the inside of his cheek. Suddenly, he felt someone grab his hand and give it a squeeze, and when he looked beside him, Bert was staring at him with an expression of empathy. He watched the other man mouth the words, “I’m sorry,” and felt his hand being squeezed and held tight as the first explosions of the pyrotechnics went off.
Quinn squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think about the first few notes of the first song on the setlist to get his mind off the fire. He felt Bert’s thumb rubbing back and forth across a spot on the back of his hand and he continued to play the song in his head, and then seconds later, the fire show was over just as soon as it began. He opened his eyes and saw Dan out of the corner of his eye walk onto the stage toward his drumset, and, knowing that it was his own turn to walk on, Bert squeezed his hand again and Quinn flashed a grateful smile at the other before letting go and heading toward the end of the stage with his guitar, his confidence restored.
The crowd screamed when Bert ran onto the stage, and when they broke into “Listening,” Bert looked over at Quinn as he sang and gave him a grin. Quinn felt his face warming up a little and he looked away from Bert in embarrassment.
That was the moment in Quinn’s life that he could pinpoint that he had started to wonder if he was in love with Bert McCracken.
FIN