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Every year, I wrote letters for my beloved: Annie... and this year is not an exception. I promised that I would always write her one or two—despite being neighbors, I wanted to write her letters more than I wanted to go out—and she promised to read every letter I sent her.
I felt betrayed, hurt — this year she didn't read it nor opened the letter. I'd know if she read it, she would open her window and look at me through it with a smile. I kept sending her my letters, in hopes that she'd read it and look at me through her window.
I did notice one thing... everytime I'd open the mailbox, my other letters are still there. Untouched.
As I walk towards her house, her mother looked at me and talked to me calmly. With an apologetic smile on her face, actually, I'm not sure if it's "apologetic". Rather, it looks more like she's forcing a smile.
"Blaire, I know you miss Anastasia, we do too. But you have to stop writing letters... letters that she won't receive." I was baffled, why won't Annie receive my letters? are they hiding it from Annie?
Before I could even speak, I feel a drop of water land on my cheeks. However, when I looked up, it wasn't raining as I've expected.
I was crying.
I feel like the world's starting to darken, losing it colors. I could've sworn I saw it lose it's color.
"Blaire, dear? are you okay?" her mother's voice snapped me out of my subconscious state, she was wiping the tears away from my face.
"Where is she then? why won't Annie..."
"Please don't say that, I know you're not feeling well. Maybe in denial, but we have to accept that Annie is no longer with us."
I stayed quiet, right. I am in denial, who wouldn't?
"I will go now, auntie... I won't send the letters anymore."
"Be careful, Blaire."
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Despite being told not to write her letters, I continued. I didn't promise not to write, I promised not to send it. I will write, until I can't anymore.
Tomorrow will be my birthday, April 21... I never celebrated my birthday without Annie. I don't know how I'd feel tomorrow. But I'm certain that I won't feel the same as before.
I've been thinking, what if I just visit Annie? maybe that way, I could still feel her presence.
The night passed quickly and the moment I woke up, I cleaned myself and went to the graveyard. Along with the box of letters I've written for Anastasia.
"Hello, Annie... I hope you don't mind me being here?" I asked, waiting for an answer that would never come.
"Either way... I wrote you letters, would you be willing to listen?" then I began reading the letters I've picked.
- Letter one -
(December 21, 2024)
It's still winter, it's cold over here, Anastasia. Back then, I wouldn't even mind. I don't care if it's too cold, because you're here with me. And your presence enough makes me feel warm. But ever since you past, it feels like the cold is slipping through my skin and wrapping around my bones. It's too cold, I can't take it, please Annie, come back and lend me your warmth.
- Letter two -
(December 24, 2024)
Annie, how cruel you are. It's Christmas eve, do you know that? Christmas eve and here I am writing letters to you. Why do you have to leave? no, why is it you that get to leave? you're so unfair. Anastasia, you're so cruel.
"Those two letters are the ones I wrote you right after your death, funny isn't it? I hope you won't get mad after hearing the second letter..."
- Letter three -
(March 29, 2025)
I remember that you asked me... who would stay the longest at your grave? it was so funny—funny that I answered "nobody." jokingly. But that's not true at all, Annie, I did. Do you know why I said that? of course you don't... the thing is: I've always thought we'd grow old and die together. I've always wished it was indeed that way, but you know how my wishes are never answered. It was... stupid of me to even wish for it. But a person can try and dream right?
- Letter four -
(October 2, 2025)
Annie, I've bought the clarinet you've always wanted. It took me such a long time trying to save up, I'm sorry. If only I saved a lot earlier, maybe you could've play a song for me then.
- Letter five -
(November 23, 2025)
I accidentally broke my dominant arm while driving, you could say I got into an accident. Haha... that's so stupid, it's stupid to laugh in a letter. I'm trying my best to write you a letter, but I'm using my non-dominant hand to write. I may have to take a break...
"I unfortunately had forgotten to bring the clarinet with me, I'm sorry. I'll try to bring it next time. Maybe those five letters are enough, I'm sorry if it's too short, Annie. I'll write you some more after I get used to my prosthetic arm."
"..." I paused and stared at her gravestone. It feels weird, is it always meant to be like this? with me sitting on your grave? I thought it would be the other way around.
"Annie... I should've hold your hand more, I miss your warmth. But all those "should have" are useless now. You're not here... but just know that I will always love you.."
"Anastasia, I love you."