Work Text:
It became a routine for legoshi.
Staring up at his leaking apartment ceiling, desperately trying to ignore the white noise bouncing throughout the thin walls. everything was so loud - although his memories and cogitations take the cake. he almost felt guilty for feeling this way. he defeated melon, he brought justice to the herbivores he swore to protect, he even got closer to his grandfather, something he planned on doing for a while now; But it wasn’t enough. even though everything worked out in the end he still cant help but feel like he didn’t do enough.
Today his brain wants to scrutinize the whole riz ordeal. there have been many times where he would wake louis up in the middle of the night, just to apologize for eating his leg that new years morning. even with all the reassurance he can’t help but feel disgusted with himself. over and over he tells himself how unnecessary it was to take louis offer.
‘Just admit it. you wanted an excuse to eat meat.’ he’d scream at himself. He knew it wasn’t true, but why else would he have done it? at the end of the day, riz ended up in jail. legoshis fight and louis pain were all in vain. If he wouldve just listen to louis the first time and reported riz to the police then nobody would have gotten hurt. just thinking about that fact alone makes legoshi cringe.
He pushes his fist into the the socket of his eyes as far as he can in hopes of erasing that vile memory for his field of vision. after a few minutes go by he slowly removed his hands from his face, blinking away the static building up behind his orbit. He turns on his side, directing facing the collection of photos dispersed around the small night stand. his eyes go from the unframed photo of he and jack, to the photo of him and haru, mimicking the lopsided smile he portrays in the picture. He then holds his gaze to a photo he took of louis — hes smiling, cheeks slight puffed up due to legoshis hold on them. louis eyes reflect the beautiful hue of the sunset behind them. it was almost as if he was standing in the middle of a renaissance painting.
Legoshi found louis so beautiful.
To this day he can not fathom how someone so gracious could even give someone like legoshi the time of day. he provides nothing but promises he can barely keep up. louis, the red deer, the soon to be head of the horns conglomerate, shouldn’t have to stand next to such a mutt. The gray wolf couldn’t even grasp the fact that other animals relied on him. He got the job done at the end, yes, but not before he causes more harm to the people around him. It’s as if he was cursed. Like everyone in legoshis vicinity goes through hell because of his presence yet hes the only one that can mediate the situation.
This brings him to the next thing that keeps him up at night.
How the world would be if he didn’t exist in the first place.
If he weren’t here, Haru wouldn’t have to deal with linger fear of being devoured by a loved one, Louis would still have his leg, Gosha wouldn’t have spent years beating himself up over something the wolf said when he was an immature mutt, the list goes on. He hates to feel this way. He hates to feel the glimpse of hurt his mother felt before she decided it was too much to endure. To kill himself would be like a ‘fuck you’ to his mother. How dare he act like he understands her pain? How dare he compare his overthinking to her harsh reality? It would be nothing but selfish of him to even think about harming himself. His mother didn’t go through her misery just for him to follow in her footsteps.
Even with all those rationales, he can’t help but want to be selfish. His death would hurt gosha, sure, but he witnessed his wife and daugther kill themselves; whats one more relative? He was doing fine without Legoshi before, so what would truly change if he was gone? Louis wouldn’t be so distracted, Haru can live in peace, gosha wouldnt have to worry about this dumb dog putting himself in danger; If anything, everyone around him would benefit from his death. If he was being honest, He has tried to take his life multiple times, but to no avail. Hes tried pills, he slit his thighs, he even tried to hang himself once, but some way or another all his attempts fell through. Its kind of funny honestly. Hes so fucking useless he can’t even kill himself correctly.
He doesnt remember when the tears started rolling down his face. He can’t even remember the last time he cried. He clutches the comforter wrapped around him with all his might, praying that whatever god watching over him decides tonight is his time and takes him out peacefully. He’s exhausted.
An idea flashes before his eyes — maybe he could ask gouhin for help. He would much rather be restrained to a chair listening to the soft sounds of a violin through a vinyl than the constant itch to afflict pain to himself.
Eventually the canidaes eyes start to get heavy, causing him to mentally pumps his fists, excited to finally get a few hours of peace. Tomorrow he will wake up like nothing happened, go to work, sit down with louis for dinner, and repeat the same ol’ nighttime routine habitually. He was a fucking joke. He should be ashamed to even let people utter the word “hero” with his name. Legoshi was nothing but dumb dog that by the grace of the god above happened to save the people of Cherryton. He adjusts his position one more time, Bringing his tucked up tail in between his arms in the process, letting the warmth from his fur ground him for just a bit.
He knows the way he thinks is unreasonable. He knows that if he just said something his loved ones would rush to his side without question. Theres just something in him that refuses to ask. He cant exactly pinpoint why. Maybe its because he feels like he’ll be seen as weak. Maybe its because theres a part of him that feels like they wouldn’t understand. Maybe its because he knows to complain to the herbivores around him that hes going through a “rough time” as if they aren’t in a state of constant danger is nothing but foolish and selfish. One day he’ll gain the courage to be vulnerable. but hes a carnivore. a carnivorous gray wolf at that. there is no reason for him to feel so shitty. he takes one last deep breath before drifting off to sleep. He’ll deal with all the complex emotions in the morning. He just wants to enjoy the temporary numbness of slumber.
He’ll deal with it tomorrow.
He’ll ask for help tomorrow.
‘Tomorrow.’ he thinks as the sunrise pokes behind his eyelids.