Chapter Text
“I doubt he’ll ever wake up”, the doctor told Lee Do with a professional, emotionless expression. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “The cancer has spread too far. Add to that his bullet wound… I don’t think we should hope for much.”
Lee Do nodded. He understood. He knew that such wounds usually didn’t heal well, and the cancer had certainly played its part. It was to be expected, that outcome.
He should have been ready since he had been the one to point the gun at him.
The person in the hospital room – the one Lee Do had known by the name Moon Baek and later by the nickname Blue Brown – lay still. His face wore a peaceful expression, one only dying people had. His skin was pale, but he didn’t look like he was suffering anymore. No, he looked more like a person who had said and done everything he’d wanted and could finally relax.
Lee Do had fought, had resisted and even been ready to shoot him – he hadn’t done it, but he had nevertheless been going to. But he couldn’t bring himself to. He hadn’t been able to pull the trigger on the person who had said the only thing he’d ever wanted was the sound of one gunshot. Not death, not suffering, just a gunshot to at last make people pay attention.
They never did. Lee Do knew that.
Now that the shock of what Moon Baek had done was slowly fading, people went back to their ordinary lives. Lee Do’s mother had been discharged from the hospital and they were now living together to comfort each other. Jung-woo went back to work and he felt comfortable enough even after all that tension. Moon Baek, or whatever his real name was, had been a bomb that had exploded because of all the wrongdoings of the people and the evils of the world – but debris had been cleaned away, and everyone had forgotten all about the explosion.
Moon Baek’s sacrifice had been for nothing.
Lee Do bit his lip. The doctor glanced at him curiously; she was clearly asking if there was anything else Lee Do wanted to know. But there wasn’t. He had heard enough.
He left without looking back or bidding the doctor goodbye.
Lee Do trudged back home with a heavy heart and tears threatening to spill. He blinked quickly and roughly, pushing the tears back. He wasn’t going to cry. He had no right to. He had understood Moon Baek and his twisted philosophy, his reasoning and everything he had stood for. And yet he had chosen to point his gun at him, something he had once sworn he’d never do ever again.
They had barely had any time together. To talk, to try to understand each other, to pour their hearts out. They had met at the wrong time, and it was definitely Lee Do’s fault they had had so little time together. He could’ve at least tried, but he hadn’t. The panic and horror at Moon Baek’s actions had overwhelmed him, and Lee Do only now began to realise he had missed so many chances. Now that Moon Baek was gone, now that Lee Do would never be able to see or hear him ever again, he regretted every single thing he had and hadn’t done.
Lee Do sighed. His mother’s house was in sight, and he wasn’t going to show her his grief, his pain at all the missed moments and unrealistic happy endings he nevertheless had wanted. Lee Do had been spending his nights dreaming of what could have been, what they might have become, of a happy ending Moon Baek could never have and Lee Do didn’t deserve.
Lee Do wasn’t a child but he still wanted their story to end like in a fairytale.
He opened the door, forcing his face into an expressionless mask, the way he usually looked. Lee Do always bottled his emotions deep inside, in the darkest parts of his soul. He didn’t like wearing his heart on his sleeve. He’d only be a bother to other people then.
“Do-ah, darling”, his mother came out of the kitchen. She smiled at him and watched him take off his coat and shoes. Lee Do padded into the sitting room and lowered himself on the couch, his mother taking her place beside him.
She was a victim too. She had lost her son to a greedy businessman and had only gotten her peace because of Moon Baek. Lee Do had deemed it as inherently wrong before; he wasn’t so sure now.
His mother was finally free. She no longer went to protest and spent her days stood there at the company in any weather. She made delicious food, smiled much more often, and her worries and pain had finally subsided. She would probably never get over the loss of her child, but at least she was happier now. And she wasn’t alone anymore.
“Do-ah”, his mother repeated. Her eyes shone with worry, and she put her hand on his shoulder. “How’s your friend? Is the news not good?”
My friend, Lee Do thought. No, that wasn’t the right word. He didn’t know what he and Moon Baek had been, what they could be labelled as. All he knew was friends didn’t look at each other like that, didn’t spend nights thinking about their friends like that, and they definitely didn’t let their friends see them like Lee Do had let Moon Baek see him.
He glanced up at his mother and suddenly saw an understanding in her eyes. She knew, she knew and she didn’t care. She only showed compassion when she held Lee Do in her arms.
“It’s okay”, she told him. “You can cry for him if you want.”
Lee Do held his tears in until it became unbearable but they finally spilled down his cheeks. He bawled his eyes out, feeling his mother’s arms around him, her enveloping him in the most loving hug he had ever felt. Lee Do wondered if someone else had ever cried for Moon Baek like that.
Lee Do cried until there were no more tears to cry. He leaned back on the couch and covered his face with his hands. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now.
“Tell me about him if you like”, his mother said. “I didn’t get to find out anything. What’s his name?”
“I don’t know”, Lee Do confessed, voice pained. “He never told me.”
He felt like he was going to cry again.
“Maybe it’s a bit too late”, his mother mused. “But I’d like to thank him again. He got me two of the best gifts in my life. He helped me get my revenge for my darling son, and he also helped me get closer to you. I feel like I have a family again.”
Lee Do’s heart clenched. The police and the government had done nothing for his mother. The only one who had was in a coma, and Lee Do was partially to blame.
“I have no right to miss him”, Lee Do said, his voice strained. “We only ever had…”
They had only had one night together. One night when Lee Do had finally felt something other than the emptiness he was used to feeling all his life. One night in Lee Do’s apartment that hadn’t changed anything – and yet at the same time it had changed everything.
“I know”, his mother held him tight. “It’s okay to be sad. But whatever you had, however little, was a gift, and you should cherish it.”
The next morning Lee Do was sat at table where his mother had put a few plates of food. He stared at it, his throat tight. He wasn’t hungry, he didn’t want to eat. But his mother had gotten up early to make sure he wasn’t going to be late to work and had had breakfast. It would be very rude to turn it down.
But Lee Do felt sick at one single thought of food and he didn’t want to eat just to have everything go back up his throat and mouth a few minutes after eating. He felt like vomiting even now, on an empty stomach.
“Please, eat something”, his mother begged. “You have to eat to stay strong.”
Lee Do sighed and picked up the spoon. He tried swallowing some soup, the only thing that looked at least somewhat appetising, but couldn’t make himself swallow it. Tears stung at his eyes again. Had Moon Baek felt like this too, with his cancer? Had he also struggled to eat, forcing himself to take even one single bite to survive, or had he simply given up on eating and given all of himself to his goal?
“I know, darling”, his mother’s warm hand found its place on Lee Do’s back. His thoughts felt jumbled, and he didn’t know what he was even doing here.
“I… don’t think I can do this”, Lee Do said.
“It’s all right”, mother said. “Tell me what you would like, and eomma will make it for you.”
Lee Do shook his head. “Not just the food. It’s… everything. You know?”
He had no idea how he was going to work with the police again. The entire law enforcement felt like a joke to him now. One single man had turned the country upside down, and the police had been powerless. The law was weak before criminals and selfish, disrespectful people who had money. If you went strictly by the law, you could do nothing to stop evil things from happening.
Maybe it had been evil to give ordinary people guns and let them shoot each other. Maybe Moon Baek had been a criminal. But he had done the work the police had failed to; he had protected the weak and punished the guilty, exactly what the law was supposed to be doing. Lee Do couldn’t admit it, but all this time he’d been hoping Moon Baek had forced people to wake up, to change their ways.
And yet nothing had changed, Lee Do knew it.
His mother sighed. She sat down by Lee Do’s side and took his hand into hers. “I know”, she whispered. “But you have to go on. I don’t think your friend would’ve wanted you to be like this.”
Lee Do chuckled wetly. “Do you think so?” It was his greatest fear – finding out everything they’d shared with Moon Baek had been a trick and a lie to him, because to Lee Do it had been something much more.
“Of course”, his mother nodded encouragingly. “Mothers know everything. I know your friend would want you to be happy. And he’ll always be with you if you don’t forget him, just like my son is with me”, she pointed at the small altar she had created in her home. Her deceased son’s photo was in the centre, and before it was a bowl of freshly cooked rice.
Lee Do smiled. He guessed his mother was right, after all.
He swallowed a spoonful of soup and almost cried at how delicious it was. He had only managed to hold down four spoonfuls of clear broth, but even that was better than nothing.
Lee Do handed his resignation letter in the same day.
He spent the rest of the afternoon walking the city streets, thinking about what he was going to do next. Police work had been his life ever since the captain had taken him in. Lee Do hadn’t known anything else, and he was so used to his days being more or less the same that now he was at a loss. What was he going to do with his life? How was he supposed to carry on? He couldn’t work with the police anymore, but he didn’t know what else he could do.
He could pick up a hobby, Lee Do supposed. Like knitting, or woodcutting, or gardening. Lee Do had always enjoyed nature. He had loved playing with the captain’s home plants as a child. A garden sounded like a lovely idea, Lee Do thought. He and his mother could move to the country. They could have their own little farm. Lee Do supposed his mother was tired of city life as well.
After visiting the bank and withdrawing all the money he had, Lee Do went to the hospital one last time. He needed to say his final goodbye, after all.
“The patient in ward ten?” the girl at the reception asked, confused. “Which one?”
Lee Do opened his mouth when the doctor he’d talked to before noticed him and waved him close. Her expression was sombre, and her eyes told Lee Do everything he needed to hear.
“He’s gone”, Lee Do managed to utter. “Isn’t he?”
The doctor nodded. “I’m sorry”, she said. “I should’ve called you.”
Lee Do shook his head. “It’s fine”, he assured her. “It’s not like I expected anything else.”
It was a lie. He had. He had secretly hoped Moon Baek would wake up. Lee Do had seen many people at war go comatose and wake up weeks or even months later. A coma wasn’t the end of life. And Lee Do had desperately hoped it wouldn’t be for Moon Baek either.
“He didn’t have any relatives or anyone at all besides hyeongsanim”, the doctor told him. “But he didn’t have any belongings besides the clothes he had come in.”
Lee Do nodded. He had suspected he would get nothing that reminded him of Moon Baek. His mother had a photo of her son and a few tiny possessions, like cufflinks and his childhood toys. Lee Do had nothing.
Lee Do left the hospital. That night he let himself cry all the way home, quietly and bitterly, warm tears rolling down his cheeks. Lee Do didn’t know where people went after death, but he hoped Moon Baek would wait for him there, wherever it was.
There was no funeral. Just a quiet mourning evening at home where mother prepared some delicious food and them sat by her son’s altar in silence.
“Adeul-ah, please take care of Do-ah’s friend,” his mother told the picture of her son. “He’s a little difficult, but he’s a good lad. Eomma would appreciate it.”
There was no answer, but Lee Do’s chest filled slightly with warmth, and he felt like that was the boy’s answer.
A couple weeks later they finished packing and moved out. Lee Do had personally picked a house he wanted to live in. It was a tiny cottage in a rural area with a pretty garden and only a handful of neighbours. There was a small river ten minutes away from the house, and there was plenty of fish in it so Lee Do could fish. The soil in the garden was pretty good too, and Lee Do hoped he’d be able to get the garden to flourish.