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It had been a big day for the Northwestern Pig Butchering Squad. They returned to their tent, reassured that at least, their little brother, Man Di, would not die, after Miss Qi Bengong, the Royal Physician, had spoken to them.
Jin Yuanbao had obtained alcohol for all of them, and they had a pack of cards, so they sat in their chairs, in their usual positions, but Man Di’s and Fan Changyu’s chairs were empty.
“W-w-well, that’s war,” said Man Wu. “Damn near crapped my pants.”
“Terrifying,” agreed Man Cang.
“At least Man Di’s okay,” said Jin Yuanbao. “How would I tell his sister, if he died?”
“Yeah, I thought he was a goner,” said Man Wu.
The soldier from the next tent came walking past, his arm bandaged. “Oh. Someone got a few of you? I guess you won’t be so noisy now.”
”Nah, we all made it,” said Jin Yuanbao. “Man Di was injured, but he’s okay. And Boss Fan—well..”
”Which one of you was Boss Fan?” the solder asked.
”The f-f-female one,” said Man Wu.
“Oh, the one who was looking for her refugee husband? She was killed? I’m sorry,” said the soldier.
”Nah,” said Jin Yuanbao. “Want a drink? I’m not sure we can explain, without a drink.”
”Don’t mind if I do,” said the man, sitting down. “I’m Guo Yi, by the way.”
The remnants of the North Western Pig Butchering Squad introduced themselves, and then Jin Yuanbao poured the alcohol.
They all took a drink, then Man Cang said, “So-o-o-o—it’s like this…”
“The fucking Marquis of Wu’an!” Jin Yuanbao shook his head. “Boss Fan is married to the fucking Marquis of Wu’an. I could have been struck with a rocket and not noticed, when he rode up like that, and all those other guys were shouting, ‘Marquis, Marquis!’”
Guo Yi startled. “What? I don’t get it. That small woman who hung out with you? I thought she was married to some refugee. That’s what she said! That he got dragooned into the army, and he was her matrilocal husband or some such—?”
“Well,” said Man Wu. “Th-th-that’s what I don’t get either. Actually, everyone thought that the Marquis of Wu’an was d-d-dead, for a while. What was that all about, in retrospect?”
“They thought he was dead… oh shit, not so long ago, he reappeared,” said Jin Yuanbao. “Just after we got conscripted into the army, too. That sneaky fucker: used the draft to creep back from the dead and take over his army again.”
“I still don’t get it,” said Guo Yi.
“Older Sister found, um, Yan Zheng, or whatever his name is now, in the snow, outside our hometown of Lin’an. And someone had done a real number on him, and his leg was stuffed, and he almost died,” said Man Cang.
“So, he forgot who he was, because he was so badly injured?” said Guo Yi.
“Nah,” said Jin Yuanbao. “I don’t think he did. I think… he hid in Lin’an, from the people who were trying to kill him. Remember, there was all that shit about assassins killing Boss Fan’s uncle, and dead assassins in the woods… they say he killed a bunch.”
“Why would he hide in Lin’an, of all places?” said Guo Yi.
“Would you expect to find the fucking Marquis of Wu’an living in Boss Fan’s house as her matrilocal husband?” said Jin Yuanbao. “I mean… no one… no one would expect that.”
They all had another drink. “So how exactly did this Marquis guy come to marry Boss Fan?” said Guo Yi. “Is she really a pig butcher?”
“Yeah, she really is a pig butcher, and it was partly our f-f-fault,” confessed Man Wu. “Older Sister’s uncle—what an arse, I wish we actually had c-c-cut off his hand—he had pledged her house for his gambling debts, and we were told to take it. And then all of a sudden, Older Sister announced that she’d taken this disabled refugee she’d found in the snow as a m-m-matrilocal husband, so’s we couldn’t take her house.”
“Ah,” said Guo Yi. “So, it was kind of like a favour by the Marquis, to thank your Boss Fan for saving his life.”
Jin Yuanbao spat out a laugh. “Nah, I call bullshit on that theory! This fucking Marquis—he happened to be saved by beautifulest, bravest and most devoted woman any man could find. And then she says she’s looking for a husband—well, he may be a posh git, but he’s not a fool. He married her.”
“Gotta give him that,” said Man Cang. “Really, gotta give him that, at least. Everyone noticed how he doted on her.”
“But he didn’t t-t-tell her who he really was. She’s gonna be pissed off. Well, she is pissed off, she ran away from him, and he snatched her up onto his horse.” Man Wu scratched his head in thought. “What actually is a M-m-marquis anyway? Like, obviously, not as high as the emperor, but how high is it?”
The men looked at each other. “I have no fucking idea,” said Jin Yuanbao, eventually. “Not the kind of information I ever thought I’d have to know.”
“But there was that whole th-th-thing the other day about Yan Zheng and us getting punished by the Marquis,” said Man Wu. “What the fuck was that about?”
“And that, my friends, is why this Marquis is in big fucking trouble!” said Jin Yuanbao. “The rest, I reckon Boss Fan would’ve forgiven him! But that—that charade took real effort. He had to get someone else to pretend to be him—I thought that bastard behind the screen was strangely nervous and hesitant—and he had to set it all up.”
“So, hang on, was he trying to get us and Older Sister off for hook for what we did with Sui Yuanqing, by taking the punishment himself?” said Man Cang. “Cos, that’s kind of nice, if you think it through.”
“Boss Fan won’t like it, though,” said Jin Yuanbao. “She’ll feel duped. Knowing her, she’d prefer he’d just ordered us beaten, like normal soldiers. I’m just as glad to avoid a beating, but she’ll feel humiliated by the whole thing. Proud woman, our Boss Fan.”
“S-s-so, what’s she gonna do?” said Man Wu.
“She’ll bash him up,” said Jin Yuanbao. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she threatens to divorce him. Cos she ain’t gonna like the fact that the matrilocal husband is actually some toff. The whole point is, she ain’t some toff.”
“Yan Zheng or whatever is pretty and all, but I seriously didn’t realise he was a toff until now,” said Man Cang. “He did a good job. I don’t think any of us picked him. No one in the whole of Lin’an, not even posh people like Magistrate Cui. In fact, Magistrate Cui damn well threatened to lock him up and tried to beat him…”
“Yeah, he l-l-lived like the rest of us, for months,” said Man Wu.
“Like, seriously, like the rest of us?” said Gao Yi. “That’s amazing. I didn’t think toffs did that.”
“Ah, but he’s the kind of toff who goes around in an army, and, as we’ve discovered, boys, that isn’t very comfortable,” said Jin Yuanbao. “So, he probably knows how to live rough and deal with beatings, more than the average toff.”
“Reckon he’s met the emperor?” said Gao Yi.
“Course he fucking well has!” Jin Yuanbao leaned back in his chair. “I mean, the emperor gave him that title.” He paused. “Ah, fuck! So, what I do know about this Marquis is that his dad got killed in Jinzhou, and they strung the dad up on the wall, and they left the dad with his guts hanging out. Anyways, the Marquis invaded Jinzhou and took it back, but he showed ‘em no mercy, none at all.”
“Huh,” said Man Cang. “If that’s the kind of guy he is—actually, we got off real light, on several occasions.”
Jin Yuanbao sucked on his teeth. “Yeah. Boss Fan probably called him off. We gotta be glad that Boss Fan shows mercy, sometimes. If she didn’t show mercy, all of us boys from Lin’an would be dead. But on the other hand, that’s why Man Di got stabbed, because she let that kid get away today. So, you know, it’s both good and bad.”
“Still s-s-surprised we’re not dead,” said Man Wu. “When those flaming balls were flying through the air and stuff—I thought we were d-d-dead. Then Older Sister’s attacking that guy, and her knife broke, and I thought we were d-d-dead too. It was so chaotic. Couldn’t work out who anyone was, hard to even recognise who’s on our side or not until they attacked you. Dunno how someone c-c-commands in all that.”
“Guess we could ask the Marquis,” said Man Cang. “Do you think he’d tell us?”
“Don’t think he’s ever been that fond of us, since the incident with the sale deed,” admitted Jin Yuanbao. “In fact, I think that tricky arsehole pickpocketed it off me when Old Zhao was hitting me with a rake. But, just as well he did.”
“Still, if Older Sister tells him to be nice to us, I reckon he will be,” said Man Cang.
“Well, he has to obey her, cos she’s the boss,” said Jin Yuanbao. “Actually, that means that our boss is now the boss of one of the most powerful guys in Great Yin.”
“For the moment,” said Man Cang. “That is, if Older Sister doesn’t divorce him.”
“I reckon that they’ll make up,” said Jin Yuanbao. “Wish they wouldn’t—wish Boss Fan would marry someone who wasn’t a posh arsehole, instead—but if she makes a commitment, she keeps to it. She’ll just make his life hell for a bit.”
“Also, she d-d-does really like him,” said Man Wu.
Jin Yuanbao sighed hugely. “Yeah.”
“You can’t aim that high, Older Brother,” said Man Cang, patting Jin Yuanbao on the shoulder. “Beyond our range.”
“Yeah, but a man can dream,” said Jin Yuanbao, taking another swig of alcohol.
“Hey, I just had a really good thought, one which will cheer you up. You know who is totally, utterly, like… so dead that he’s basically a corpse walking, as long as we get off this mountain alive?” Man Cang grinned.
“Who?” said the other men.
“Song Yan,” said Man Cang, triumphantly.
“Ah, fuck me blind, he’s so dead!” said Jin Yuanbao, laughing uproariously. “Cos Song Yan’s an uppity little shit who always said he was better than the rest of us, even though he was born in Xigu Lane, too. ‘I passed the Imperial exam, blah, blah!’ I dunno exactly where a Marquis stands, but it’s sure as hell higher than a Song Yan. And then… Song Yan—he even interrupted their wedding to say Boss Fan could still be his concubine, poor old Grandmother Kang told me—I hope that little twerp finds out one day who she really married. I’ll split my sides laughing, once I’ve finished beating Song Yan up for disrespecting the Boss.”
“Question is, how do we treat the d-d-damn Marquis now?” said Man Wu.
Jin Yuanbao grinned. “Now, that’s easy, Man Wu. Exactly as we always treated him. In fact, I think it’s extra specially important to remind him that he’s a matrilocal husband. Gotta remember—Boss Fan is not just our Boss Fan. She’s his Boss Fan too.”