Work Text:
"Why doesn't she want me?"
There were a few knocked over bottles by the table leg. It had been hours since she had drunk herself into a state. Actually, it had actually been the day before. The sun had risen and Nobara had stayed on her side. Laying there as if she never planned to move herself ever again. Stuck in that position as if frozen. Outside, past those dark curtains she closed over the evening before, the sun was burning high in the sky.
"She told me- she said we could have something."
It's so hard now to remember what those promises even were. Words spoken when they had gone through the worst of things. Nobara can remember the shape of her lips, how Maki had smiled with some of her words. How good she had smelt when she sat next to her, shoulder to shoulder as the wind blew by them. Her hair had grown a little, signalling the passing of time. The reminder that they were growing together.
Even though they had grown for so long, side by side, they only ever seemed to grow further apart. Time passed and she could barely remember the feel of Maki's skin against her own. They had sat there for so long, sharing so much between the both of them. Yet nothing seemed to even remain of any of it. Nobara had been left with nothing in the end. All she had was an apartment to herself and years ahead of her.
"How could she just leave me behind?"
Swollen eyes and chapped lips. Nobara was hardly her best self like this. Feeling like a shelf of herself, as if she was waiting to be scooped into her arms. Held close as she promised to take care of her. Her body ached from sleeping out on the floor, and she had a bruise on her leg from where she knocked into the table. Head aching with the memory of the sound of the bottles clinking against each other.
Those dark curtains remained closed over, even as the sun climbed into the sky. The alcohol had left her system, and she could only be more miserable because of it. She could think so much but none of it even amounted to anything. Her memories were foggy and distorted. Having spent so many years trying to recall the colour of Maki's eyes as the sunlight hit them. She had all but forgotten their conversations in the end.
She was curled up on the ground still, but her head had been lifted off of the ground. Mai had been running her fingers through Nobara's hair the entire time. Fingers with a slight chill to them but Nobara hadn't seemed to mind. Eerily still on her lap save for her words which continued to stream out from between her lips. Her throat hurt but she wouldn't stop talking. Couldn't stop herself. Letting it all pour out from her.
Mai hadn't said anything, hadn't offered her any advice. Nothing would help and she had grown to realize that. No matter how she stepped in to help. It had only gotten worse when Maki had married Yuta, then they had their first child. There was just no coming back. Perhaps Nobara realized it in those moments. Walking out those glass hospital doors. She had gone in to see her, and to make sure she's recovering well.
Standing off to the side, Mai had noticed all of her expressions. Everything that had passed by without Maki noticing. She was exhausted but pleased. Sitting back in the hospital bed with Yuta having gone out to speak to one of the nurses. Nobara could barely even look at the child. Even though she smiled, commented about how it had come out looking just like her. Laughing it off, Maki had smiled at the comment.
"I wanted her so badly it hurt."
Coughing, throat stinging with how dry it had become, Nobara kept talking, "Why did she not want me? Why wasn't I enough?"
There was nothing anyone could say to her that would comfort her even a little. Mai had tried, how she had tried. But even she felt exhausted at this point. Nobara wasn't getting any better. Stuck in this one point of her youth. Everyone else had grown up and moved on but she couldn't. Even with Mai here with her, holding her and keeping her close. It was as if she wasn't even there with her, like she was still all alone.
"Couldn't we have made it work?"
Tears had stopped falling, perhaps she was just too worn out or dehydrated. Her body truly wrung dry. Crying over and over again for years could do that to you. Would only reduce you to a mess of tears and pity with nothing else left. Still, Mai was there with her, holding on to her. She listened and listened, without pushing her away or leaving her behind. After all these years, it had been Mai who stayed by her side.
"I could have done anything for her."
"Would have done anything."
"Did all I could."
"Please."
Even though her body was shaking, no more tears fell. She was curled up around Mai like this. Her body seeming so small and thin. As if one moment she was here, in front of her, and in the next she might just disappear. Mai wanted to hold her to her body. Holding on so tight against her. Tight enough to keep her here with her. It was agonizing. She tried to help Nobara sit herself up, trying to get her cleaned up.
She could only sit by while she stayed in this state for so long. The smell was thick in the air. Alcohol had been kicked out from the half empty bottles, and she was lucky she hadn't slipped. The room was a mess. Mai had grimaced when she came in, using her extra key to let herself in the front door. Nobara had sobered up but the dread that came with sobering up had her trying to escape into the far corners of her mind.
Places where she could remember what it sounded like to have Maki laughing at her jokes. Pointing things out and waiting for Maki to see, then listening to her react. Her reactions made everything worth it. How beautiful she was, when she was by her side. But those moments were so far away from her now. Maki had given them all up to seek out something else. Her place was not by Nobara's side, and it hadn't been for a long time.
When Mai successfully got Nobara to sit up, there was a long moment where the very breath in her lungs was stolen from her. Nobara was pressed up against her. Their bodies were so close. She had her lips parted slightly against her own, in a kiss that sent Mai reeling. Freezing up, she couldn't move an inch. Fearful that sudden movements would dislodge Nobara from her. Causing her to leave her side again.
A few tears welled up in Mai's eyes and dripped over her lashes. She knew this wasn't what either of them wanted. Even as Nobara pressed herself against Mai more insistently. Even when Mai collected her into her arms, holding Nobara to her. But what could wither of them do. Mai, it seemed, was able to cry in place of Nobara those tears had dried up. Cheeks flushing both from the heat and the humiliation.
Hidden away in the darkness like a secret. Mai's lips felt extra wet against Nobara's, as if she was transferring life into her. She tilted her head, both eager for more and as if she were also trying to angle herself away. It wasn't something she could stop. No matter how it broke her, she stayed there and let Nobara use her. Crushing her agaisnt her chest as she did. Wanting to make the pair of them inseparable.
Falling backwards and narrowly missing the small table Nobara had drank at. Mai felt the weight of Nobara on top of her. It felt so light that the fear of her not even being there almost drove her crazy. This could only be another fantasy of hers, a figment of her imagination. She wanted to hold onto this for as long as she could. It didn't matter how it made her feel because Nobara was finally looking at her, at Mai.
Yet her words didn't deliver the same hope, "You love me right, Maki? You want to be with me still, right? Maki? Please answer me."
Since she was young, Mai had lost so much. Laid out across the chilled floor of Nobara's apartment. All she could think of were the moments that passed her by. So many moments that, even when she tried to hold onto them, they slipped between her fingers. What had ever belonged to her and just her. At this point in her life, what was it she even had. How was she at all, any different to Nobara, stuck in place.
Nobara didn't smell like the nice perfume Maki liked to wear. Her hair wasn't being gently moved around by the wind, forcing her to curl it behind her ear to keep it away from her face. Half-lidded, Nobara's eyes weren't shining with life and vitality. All of the best things Nobara could remember about the one she had loved. Mai had none of it. Despite that, she still loved Nobara. Wanted to hold onto her through it all.
Her love was everything and yet nothing at all. Nobara had never looked at her and remembered the way she smiled or the way she bumped their shoulders together. None of their late-night conversations came to mind, nor how Mai had comforted her and worked alongside her. It was like something, a small budding flower was trying to break free of the soil it had been buried it, but it was hopeless. Its future, its fate, was to be crushed underfoot.
"Maki, please love me."
"Okay."