Work Text:
Plop.
It wasn’t the first time she had heard a droplet falling down, hitting the ground.
Plop.
She just didn’t know how loud it could be.
Plop.
Or, perhaps she had never realised it.
Plop.
There had always been another sound.
Plop.
An animal.
Plop.
The weather.
Plop.
Sounds from daily life.
Plop.
A voice.
Plop.
A ray of sunshine brought both warmth and annoyance. It warmed her hand, as if it was gently holding her, wrapping its light around her. It was comforting, spreading a warmth through her that she hadn’t felt for some time. At the same time, it was reflected into her face when it shone on the metal of her knife.
Plop.
Crowley didn’t know what to expect when he returned home, but nothing could have prepared him for what he saw the moment he unlocked the door. His apprentice had been sitting on the couch, surrounded by the darkness. He initially thought she had fallen asleep, but when he came closer, he could hear the droplets falling down.
At first, he thought there was water leaking through, but that was impossible. It had been sunny and dry the whole week, with no rain in sight. And it couldn’t be from anyone above him for he was the only one living in this tower.
Only when he lit a candle and held it close to the couch, he could see what the cause was. He acted on instinct, placing the candle on the table and running to his room to get medical supplies. He pressed a gauze on the wound, slowly stopping it from bleeding. Drops of bloods would still fall down, be it less often. He kept adding pressure until he was sure it was closed enough for now.
Plo-op.
The sound was different than first.
Plo-op.
She had no idea when exactly it had changed.
Plo-op.
The warmth she had felt was also gone. Instead, only coldness remained.
Plo-op.
She wasn’t bothered by it. Over time she had come to accept it. The way cold crawled underneath her skin. How it settled down inside of her. How it numbed her until the moment she didn’t feel anything at all.
Plo-op.
Yet somehow she was bothered by it. She could sense it. Feel how it crawled around inside her body. How it settled in the smallest spot and spread itself.
Plo-op.
She didn’t want to admit it, but she was certain it had to do with her current living situation. It was calm, if she could call it that. She had a room all for herself. Good clothes that kept her warm and dry. Food to keep the hunger away. Someone who looked after her.
Plo-op.
But what was the point of that all, if her room felt like a cell. What was the point of good clothes if they prevented her from being herself. What was the point of food if it became cold because there was no one to share it with. What was the point of someone looking after her if he was away all the time, leaving her behind. What was the point of this all, if it meant she was on her own.
Plo-.
The constant presence of the droplet had left her. It took a long time before she noticed it.
Crackle-pop.
The sound broke through the mist that had been in her mind. It was a comforting sound, one that reminded her of warmth and protectiveness.
Crackle-pop.
She blinked once to get rid of the mist, then blinked again to see someone sitting in front of her. A face she was supposed to recognise instantly now took her minutes. But the more she blinked, the easier it became.
“It’ll be alright, I’m here.”
Crackle-pop.
The flames danced on the wood, tickling it ever so often befire deciding where to go to. From time to time the flames became bigger when they found a new spot. Only to then become small again and dance around.
Crackle-pop.
Melany’s eyes were focused on them, following their every movement. Her right arm was laying in her lap, her left in Crowley’s hands. Now that the wound was taken care of he could focus on the others. They had healed a long time ago, but were ever present. Thick and thin, deep and superficial. Wide and narrow. White and red.
Crackle-pop.
It wasn’t the first time he saw wounds like these. He had encountered a lot of people who carried the same kind of scars. Some just one, others had covered their body with them. He himself had never felt the urge to do it. However, he knew people who had. Ordinary people, villagers. Rangers as well. It was a hard life and while most of his men could overcome those feelings, some couldn’t. But every person was one too many, he thought.
Crackle-pop.
He had never understood why people would hurt themselves. He still didn’t, nor ever would understand it. What Crowley did understand though, was that the wounds were created when the person felt lost. Lost in what to do. Lost in what to say. Lost in what to ask. Lost in who to ask. He had therefor made it a point to never question the person. There was no use in it either. He rather wanted to know what he could do to prevent it from happening again.
Crackle-pop.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Crowley asked her, his fingers going over the scars. He wanted to understand. Wanted to know what he could possibly do to prevent it from happening again. Wanted to know how he could not have seen it.
The girl slowly nodded, her thoughts rushing through her mind. She didn’t know what he wanted to hear. Which parts were relevant and which not. So, she told everything. The loneliness she felt during the years in the ward. What the isolation did to her. How she felt that life had no purpose the older she became. As she talked, Crowley looked at her, trying to read her face. Her eyes spoke the most. They had been empty when he found her. Now, they were brighter.
Crackle-pop.
The evening had turned into the night. Neither of them had realised it, their heads too far into the conversation. Melany had poured her heart out while Crowley listened. He tried his best to understand her reasoning, to get why she harmed herself. Like before, he simply couldn’t. It didn’t mean he couldn’t be empathetic, which he was. He reassured her. Told her that he wasn’t angry or mad. And that she shouldn’t be either.
“You can’t change what you did,” Crowley said when Melany started to tear up again. “But you can change your view on them. They’re maybe not the best moments in your life. Still, they don’t get to say who you are.” He wiped away some tears with his thumb, keeping his hand on her cheek. “Of all the people I know, there’s not a single one who has such a big heart as you have. You’re always so kind and caring towards others. Try to be the same towards yourself. If anyone deserves to be treated with kindness and care, it’s you.”
Crackle-.
The first rays of the morning sun shone in his face. Carefully, almost afraid to wake him up. Crowley felt stiff all over his body. He had fallen asleep on the couch, his head leaning on his left hand, which had been placed on the armrest. He felt a weight on his lap and for a moment, he didn’t remember why it was.
When he turned his head, he saw that Melany was still peacefully sleeping. She was laying on her left side, half curled up. Her head was resting on his lap, as was her left arm. The other was placed underneath her chin.
Her breathing was steady, calm. The talk had tired her out, but maybe that was for the best. As they entered the night, Crowley had been worried she wouldn’t fall asleep at all. Nothing of that was true. Having him near chased away her fears.
Chirp. Chirp Chirp.
The birds were waking up slowly, marking their territory by using their voice. Crowley listened to them with one ear. His first thoughts of that morning were what Melany had said to him, the evening before.
“Why did you choose me as your assistant, and later on as apprentice? You’re always busy.”
Chirp. Chirp.
The words stuck with him more than he had thought. It was true, he was busy. So why did he choose to bring her home? Why bother himself with teaching an apprentice when he simply didn’t have the time for it? What did it say about him? What kind of person was he if he didn’t think about that? What was the point of this all, if he couldn’t do the part he was supposed to do?
Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.
If he truly wanted to help the girl, then he had to rethink his position. Right now, he was too busy being the Ranger Commandant to train her. The most logical thing was that another Ranger would train her. Yet deep down, he couldn’t let her go. It was him who took her out of the miserable life she had known. It was him who brought her into his world. Then it should also be him who helps her through it all.