Chapter Text
palinopsia; a visual disorder in which the patient perceives a prolonged afterimage
the night felt heavy on his shoulders.
all of a sudden, he carried the entire world on them. felt its weight on every step he took.
the freezing breeze was standing on his way, hitting him across the face, as though he deserved it. maybe he actually did.
the last time he felt the surface of the skin on his face burn with such an intensity was probably three years ago when, on a beautiful afternoon, when the sun was beaming orange and the birds where gossiping unashamedly, his dad's palm stroke as harsh as metal, his left cheek.
that day was living lividly and as fresh within the shelf of memories in his brain, as the cigarette that was hanging on the corner of his mouth.
he realised he wasn't actually smoking. it was just a small companion for the way home.
and so he continued stepping down the street, not really observing anything around him; the open restaurants, the fast food trucks, small convenient stores, groups of people talking, drinking. none of it mattered really.
ilya felt as cold as ever, his body already missing the warmth of him. he tried to pull his coat closer around his waist, wrapping his own arms around himself, inhaling and exhaling.
but nothing could replace him, he figured.
he still kept walking.
ilya wasn't sure if his feet were guided by himself or maybe by the wind or maybe even by some weird force, pushing him and dragging him on the pave way, following the road to his apartment. he could've taken a cab, no.
he should have taken a cab.
the night, young and hungry was lurking around him, covering his thoughts and memories and decisions.
if ilya had one wish on this entire world, if he could accomplish something, change something, bring something to life, to reality. he would have turned the time back.
he wasn't clearly sure the purpose of this, all the open whys and maybes and ifs in his brain were a mess but he was sure, if an opportunity ever occurred, he would want to find a way to turn time back. every single hour, minute, second, hell, he would turn years and years back.
he missed the times where he wouldn't keep record of anything. the times he had already completely forgotten. ilya finds himself often wishing silly stupid things. he wished he could stay a child forever, he wished he could, somehow, stay innocent and free of any pain or any suffering or anything at all.
very soon, he recognised the ugliness and bitterness of the world. everything laid hidden underneath everybody's tongues. people were spitting poison so casually, as if being cruel was a choice everyone selected for themselves.
within this harsh world, ilya missed his mom. he wished he could turn back to the times she carried him in her arms, eased away his worries, listened and smiled and spoke of soft things to him. he loved the way her eyes light up when she laughed, when she told him stories and fairytales and told him how much she loved him and how much a beautiful and gentle boy he was.
she showered him with encouragement and love, understanding and affection.
she was always there, until she wasn't.
and ilya would never really forgive anything or anyone for it.
the hatred for everyone grow within his heart, like the deepest roots of a tree, digging and spreading within earth as far down as possible. none could rip his hatred away. or the pain he felt.
and none could feel it. none could ever come near it, not because it was impossible or untouchable.
it simply was covered behind grins and smiles, and loud voices and laughter and all.
and so he wished, if anything was really possible in this world, for someone to turn the goddamn time back for him.
he mostly would want to just go back. to relive moments.
but he would also want to fix, fuck maybe even erase situations? maybe.
because now, holding hands with his sorrow, was his longing and lust.
ilya, had never really felt something so intense.
someone stepping so near. almost crossing the boundaries he himself set up.
he was in a confused state, not really sure but actually kind of sure, of what to do.
the lingering of this feeling within his soul made him feel uneasy underneath his own skin.
he felt uncomfortable, anxious. scared even.
the feeling of longing for someone had almost completely disappeared from his existence. and ironically enough, he never thought that he would find himself in such a situation. it was almost funny. almost. until it really wasn't.
he felt his heart beating rapidly in his chest, when Shane broke their kiss.
ilya felt every single beat, every pump, the sound of the living organ blowing in his ears.
it should not have been something to be taken in such a serious manner. the overreaction from Ilyas perspective left shane completely ashamed and slightly embarrassed behind.
shane had just gotten back from taking a quick shower, erasing some of the evidence that, a few minutes ago, ilyas hands and his mouth and his entire body were marked on Shane's toned body.
he smelled sweet and fresh and the drops of hot water were still dancing on his glistening body.
ilya had to gather himself, find some strength and stay grounded. but he couldn't take his eyes away from the man, who was walking towards him.
a towel loosely wrapped around his waist and all his glory and confidence swirling around his every step.
shane, unconscious of his actions grinned at Ilya, he himself taking in the picture right in front of his naked eyes; a greek god laying on his bed, looking like a painted picture, a portrait coming to life. just for him.
climbing on the bed, next to him, shane let out a quiet sigh.
ilya knew that the countdown had already started. he should have gotten ready to leave. no.
he should have already left.
but he was still there.
in the warmth of the room, the coziness of the bed and Shane's arousing and captivating presence he felt trapped in a cell, from which he wasn't really sure, he ever wanted to escape from.
but he should, eventually.
"I should be going." he said, more to himself.
Shane shifted on the bed, turning completely towards ilya's direction.
he was resting his chin on the palm of his hand, looking directly in ilyas icy eyes. searching for something, perhaps a spark of hope of him not really meaning what he had just said. perhaps.
"yeah... you should." Shane said, not really sure if he hid the disappointment in his voice well enough. but on that specific night, he seemed unable to keep his thoughts to himself.
"or maybe you... could just stay."
or maybe he shouldn't.
Ilya didn't realise that all it took for him to melt into liquid was shane, and that look of danger swirling in his eyes. under the low lighting of the bedroom, with the curtain closed and the outside world shut away, shane looked wild, untamed.
ilya couldn't predict the others next moves, wasn't sure what to expect and that made him nervous to the core. and so he got curious.
he wanted to scratch on the surface of that wildness, ask questions, let his curiosity run free all around Shane's maze. he wanted to get lost.
but he wouldn't. he shouldn't.
shane moved closer to him, minimising all the unnecessary empty centimetres between them, overtaking ilya's space.
ilya felt the way shane's sparkly hazel eyes burned his skin. scanning him over and over again, every inch of him, in the search of something.
hesitantly, he stretched out his arm, until his unsure fingers tips found their way towards their prey.
he started paving his own rives and unknown paths on ilyas skin, tracing along the veins decorating his hand with his fingers, brushing his way up to his toned arms, walking down and up again on the map of his very own imagination, secretly admiring ilyas captivating beauty.
all just for himself. even for just one night. for that very moment.
he captured that memory in his head.
his own little secret.
ilya whole body tensed under Shane's simple little touches. he felt pathetic, hopeless.
he lost track of his very own thoughts, a tornado whirling in his mind with such force, for a small moment he forgot everything he knew.
but even if he tried to hide it, his soul, his body were lingering for shane. he wanted to wrap his arms around the man, take his breathe away. he wanted to feel the heat of shane breathe again his skin, Shane's words being laid on his lips, he wanted to feel his soft skin against his hands.
shane was driving him mad.
and as if everything wasn't already bad enough, ilya started adoring this madness.
he was also extremely obsessed with the look in Shane's eyes. he loved it, when he could see sparks of fire dancing within them.
a short but defined moan escaped his mouth when shane buried his head in ilyas neck, placing kisses here and there, half unsure of what exactly he was doing or was supposed to do. he only knew that a certain hunger grew bigger and bigger within him for the blonde man, laying on his bed, with his bedsheets covering his sunburned skin.
ilya lost it completely. he was losing over and over again in this game. there was no time for questions or answers or anything of that sort.
it was just the two of them and whatever minutes they had left.
shane let out a groan he was holding back for so long when he suddenly found himself pinned down into the soft mattress of the bed by ilyas strong hands. ilya positioned himself between Shane's legs, separating any open space between them.
shane instantly wrapped his strong legs around ilyas waist, locking him in place and smiled playfully towards him. he looked mesmerising. Ilya couldn't tear his eyes off of him. he wanted to swallow him whole. fuck, he wasn't sure how to act around him, wasn't sure what to do or how to behave. he felt like he was a danger for Shane, he was up to no good but what bad could he possible do to such an angel?
but in that moment, when shane bit his lower lip even so slightly and brought his hands around ilyas neck, pulling him down, closer to him, ilya was the most dangerous human the earth had ever witnessed. he was up to no good; not when Shane's warm lips kissed his jaw, caressing his back, brushing slowly his hands through ilyas hair, gripping on them pleasantly as his lips found their way to ilyas desperate mouth.
"oh my god hollander" ilya murmured through short deep breathes.
"yes?" snane teased, ilya felt the way his lips curved into a smile. he loved that.
he loved the feeling of shane, holding this power around him. flipping him and reshaping him, reforming him however he pleased.
but he wouldn't let shane know. of course not.
shane's grip around his waist got stronger, and his kiss got even deeper. ilya felt like loosing his cautiousness under Shane's influence. he was getting weaker and weaker. but shane tasted like cherry mints with a hint of vodka from earlier and his skin was burning hot in ilyas hands and his cheeks were flushed with the most vibrant red shade ilya had even seen and his eyes glistened so beautifully in this dark room, like lightbulbs. ilya had any and every reason to become weak and trapped in this spell.
"you play dirty, hollander." he said when both gave up, in this long fight for a gasp of breathe.
"and I didn't even start." shane whispered.
there was a sharp smile stamped on his face, that wouldn't go away. it suited him so perfectly.
ilya couldn't help but smile back, feeling shy all of a sudden.
he felt like a child again somehow. his heart was beating very fast in his chest he almost thought shane heard it.
unconsciously, he hid his face in the crook Shane's neck, finding comfort in the warmth his skin radiated, covering whatever was going on in his head in the covers, hoping the world would take a goddamn break for once.
but ilya wasn't sure what exactly he was doing there. or rather, he wasn't sure this was right. this wave of emotions was drowning him in a place he suddenly felt really scared of. clearly unprepared for. he was confused and his thoughts were messed up and he felt his emotions also being caught off guard.
or maybe, just maybe, somewhere beneath the layers of his performance, he actually knew everything that tried to reach the surface.
and call it fear, call it madness, call it cowardice, he couldn't let any of these emotions reach the top.
he took a long breathe and pushed every thought and emotion out of his mind.
he could stay there, between Shane's arms and spend the night away. they could make out once again, get heated up with their own desperation, make love again and again. they could explore in detail each others bodies, take a shower together.
stay in bed, make out again, stay silent and let the night take them away in each others arms, bodies glued together.
he could wake up next to shane, eventually give him a good morning kiss, witness they way his eye colour switched shades by the intake of light. watch his full eyelashes flatter as he tried to shake tiredness away. they could get up together, get dressed, maybe even get undressed again, it was never predictable between these two.
and then, ilya or shane would have to break the ice again. one had to make the first move.
in this case, it would have to be Ilya, since he was in Shane's apartment. and they would have to go on about theirs day as if nothing crazy really happened. and they would eventually, until any possible opportunity would come where they could finally meet each other again.
and ilya slowly but surely realised the heavy feeling growing bigger and stronger every time this happened.
the uneasiness of saying 'goodbye'. he hated the way Shane's eyes were looking at him each time. as if trying to say something, as if begging for something. he hated how they made him feel.
he hated the way he tried to keep himself from knocking on the door again, from trying to walk away without even looking back.
but he did, every single time. successfully.
he hated the way his mind would stay in the room with shane for days and days none stop, constantly refreshing the way Shane made him feel, the longing for his lips, having him in his arms.
he fucking hated everything about this feeling that was sitting in the center of his soul burning him from the inside, making a mess out of his brain. he hated the longing that was choking him every single day and he felt scared it this emotion. Ilya felt afraid of it, he didn't know how exactly to handle the situation.
with whom could he possibly share something like this? with shane? And what if shane rejected him and his bag of emotions? and what if the media found out? his team? his family back home? so many 'what if's' and so little to no time because shane had left a peck on the corner of his lips. his hand was messing around with the curls of his hair.
instantly, he felt his knees sinking in the bed, his heart almost lost a beat.
he couldn't do that.
"uh.. sorry sha-" slipped out of his lips. ilya immediately stoped himself from saying anything. He was in zero position of speaking. him staying silent was a better idea.
quickly and without any second thoughts, he rolled out of Shane's now loose grip. he freed himself and sat at the edge of the bed, searching with his gaze for him clothes. he had no clue where shane threw his clothing, while undressing him, just a few hours ago.
"wait, what hap-" shane pushed himself in a sitting position on the bed.
his face screaming confused, slightly embarrassed and overwhelmed by the sudden change of mood.
"I need to leave, Hollander" ilya interrupted him and stood up gathering his belongings, before he had the chance to even understand what had just happened. what he was actually doing.
running away, searching for an escape like a lunatic.
and so he get dressed quickly, answered shane interrupted question with a cold and short "I have practice tomorrow morning. almost forgot".
both shane and he knew, that Ilya was lying. and he was a terrible liar at that.
he kept his back to Shane's direction, not wanting shane to see the look of his face because he knew, he was a 100% sure he had a panic attack.
he also couldn't bear seeing shane. the look in his eyes would haunt him for months. he couldn't bear that.
ilya rather be the asshole in this situation.
he couldn't handle that at least.
and before shane could say anything that might have changed Ilyas decision again, Ilya stormed out of the room and into the cold and dark night sky.
carrying a heavy heart with him as well.