Chapter Text
A memory can never be recalled the same way twice. This is always true, backed by a scientific explanation about electric paths in the neurons in our heads and the processing of information transmitted from our brain’s memory storage to the part that presents us our current thoughts. It's particularly true for Taesan, who, regardless of the regular scientific processes taking place in his head, is starting to develop some doubts about his ability to recall events properly.
“Your first mistake was calling them your close personal friends ironically. When you repeat irony enough it becomes sincere, and when you repeat sincerity enough you start believing it.” Riwoo is sprawled on Taesan's bed, scrolling on his phone, spitting pearls of wisdom that quite hurt when they hit Taesan. To the untrained eye he may seem bored and inattentive to Taesan's current miserable predicament, but in reality it's actually far worse. There's a smile tugging at the corner of Riwoo's mouth, being suppressed, which is indicative of Riwoo being really evil about the whole thing and finding amusement in Taesan's suffering.
“I'm telling you I haven't been the one making all the moves though.” Taesan huffs, picking at the loose strings of his ripped jeans. Due to Riwoo's insistence on taking up his entire bed, Taesan has been relegated to the floor with not even a carpet to soften the hard faux wood. “It's not like I've been chasing them around, they keep inviting me.”
Riwoo puts his phone down in order to stare Taesan down, visibly exasperated. “It's their job.”
Taesan isn't crazy. He isn't crazy because he knows how the music business works. He's been a fan of bands for as long as he had access to the CD player he received as a birthday gift at age 11, collecting his pocket money diligently to purchase albums at the second hand shop behind his school. He developed his taste and knowledge when he learned how to browse YouTube for more indie acts, when he became able to afford a Melon subscription thanks to his part time job in highschool.
He has learned even more after successfully getting admitted into a university in Seoul. Scarce shows that permitted minors at Bohemian or Boojik back in Gwangju had finally turned to regular outings to venues like Victim, FF and Rolling Hall. Music was always in the air, and Taesan's finger was on the pulse of the Seoul underground alt scene. With venues so small and regular attendance, exchanging hellos and complimenting a guitarist who'd just come off stage was a regular occurrence, too. Taesan has gained plenty of insight into the operations of an independent band.
Which is why he should be confident in his assessment that what him and Jaehyun, the frontman of Sea Side, have going on is beyond regular fanservice. Hell, they're a punk rock band, they're not obliged to provide much fan service at all.
“It's their passion,” Taesan corrects, reaching for the Turtle Chip bag by Riwoo's head. Unfortunately yet expectedly it's essentially empty. “Leehan has an office job, I think. The others are definitely also employed.”
Riwoo sighs and gets up from the bed to grab back the empty snack bag from Taesan's lap and toss it in the trash by his desk. “When did you say their next gig was? I'll come with. To peer review.”
Sea Side is playing Il Mare in two weeks. It's going to be their first time at the new venue out in Mangwon, but they're the biggest act on the lineup for the evening, so Taesan knows they'll blow some new minds. He fills out the Google Form, selects two tickets and wires the money. He'll introduce Riwoo to the rest of the regular girls and to Jaehyun and the guys. Once Riwoo sees for himself how Taesan gets treated after the show, he will stop sowing these doubts in Taesan's mind.
Two weeks is the sort of period of time that can either fly by or stretch out like gum. Normally, Taesan breezes through Sea Side’s weekends off. He catches another gig if someone interesting is playing, or does whatever coursework he has that week. This time, though, waiting two weeks feels like an agonising torture method invented specifically to torment him into oblivion.
It doesn't help that Riwoo seems to have gotten very invested in the whole saga, for all the wrong reasons. Like right now at the cafeteria in between lectures, seemingly his new favourite period for some Taesan interrogation.
“So, tell me,” Riwoo is gesturing at Taesan's face with his chopsticks, and Taesan leans back to avoid getting his eyes poked out of his skull. Knowing Riwoo, he'd have them as a snack if that happened. “What makes you think that Jaehyun is in love with you and not any of their other fans? Does he even like men?”
Put this way, Taesan sounds like he's being utterly ridiculous. But he's not. He's a very reasonable guy. “Obviously I can't know,” he starts, measured and reasonable. “But apart from my gaydar going off, I can't imagine a straight guy writing the lyrics he writes and pursuing the concepts he executes for the band. He has to be at least bisexual.”
Riwoo hums around a spoonful of miyeokguk, signaling for Taesan to continue.
“And I don't think he's in love with me.” Taesan tries not to shrink too much in his seat. “I think he's just… Interested. In me. As a person.”
The roaring chatter around them fills the air for a moment as Riwoo regards Taesan with a critical look, eyebrow raised and cheeks comically puffy chewing on his rice. He swallows, washes it down with a sip of water and responds with a sharp “But you're in love with him.”
Maybe Riwoo is the one who's being utterly ridiculous between the two of them, actually. Yeah, that has to be it. Riwoo has never been a fan of anyone indie enough to be accessible, and this is very different territory. He just doesn't understand. “I'm not in love with him,” Taesan picks at the yeolmu kimchi in the corner of his tray with his chopsticks, examining one of the pieces before plopping it onto his rice. Both to eat and to have something to look at that isn't his own personal demon of a friend. “I'm interested in him. Also as a person.”
All this earns him is an “Uh huh,” from Riwoo, who returns to his miyeokguk bowl with another spoonful of rice. Before he brings it back up to his mouth though he pauses, looks Taesan straight in the eyes and asks: “What has he been doing all this time then?”
Where to even begin?
One thing just led to another when it came to Taesan and the Sea Side members. He’s particularly enamoured by Jaehyun, sure, but the rest of his bandmates have also become very dear to him as time passed. They are all brilliant musicians in their own right, and even more brilliant performers. Taesan thinks Sea Side might truly be the best live band he has ever seen.
There's Sungho, their bassist. He loves putting up a cold front, focusing on his guitar instead of the crowd. The others had to place him at the end of the meet and greet table order to ensure that he doesn't dip early, since he loves sneaking out the moment he's done. And yet despite his seeming desire to not be there more than he absolutely has to, Sungho still treats fans with his own brand of care. By the fourth time Taesan had met them post-show, Sungho already skipped the formalities of hellos and went straight to letting Taesan know that he remembered his name by now. “Giant mountain,” he'd said. “Taesan.”
On the opposite side of the stage there's always Leehan on guitar. He's the most popular with the girls, and really, out of the most loyal regulars everyone but Taesan are girls. Leehan is handsome and polite and fulfills a very gentlemanly role to perfection, but his sense of humour still keeps his little fanclub on their toes. He's also a real homie in Taesan's opinion. Leehan always makes sure to wave at him when Taesan is early to the venue and bumps into him unloading their car. He also decided to take over their meet and greet time, indulging Taesan in random conversation topics instead of waiting for him to come up with something of his own.
In the back sits Woonhak with his drum kit. When he first saw him perform, Taesan thought Woonhak was an intense guy, with the rigour and strength that went into his drumming and the way his eyes would open wide and full of passion. Yet those same eyes widen with so much awe and humility whenever he is chatting with fans off stage. Woonhak is very much like a bear; perhaps intimidating from afar but soft and sweet up close. He doesn't just listen to Taesan with full intent and attention, he shows way more gratitude than he really should for Taesan's regular attendance. It's rare nowadays for any chat of theirs after the show to not spiral into a polite argument about who should be the one thanking who for the evening.
And then, center stage belongs to Jaehyun. Heavy on vocals and when the song calls for it also on guitar, Jaehyun lights up the entire stage and captivates any audience when Sea Side perform. He can do it all, alternating between vocal styles and languages, working the crowd like it's what he was born to do. He is such an irrefutable star that he appears huge on stage, his persona larger than life. Off stage though, he is arguably the cutest person in the world. Aegyo flows off the guy in tsunami waves and his words are nothing but soft and sweet. Jaehyun is the most sincere of them all, Taesan thinks, with the way he regards fans so personally. He noses around in Taesan's life, asks about his studies and to see photos of Dupal and what he's been reading and watching lately.
“He doesn't just tell me see you next time the way any artist would,” Taesan tells Riwoo, still picking at his food. “He let me know where to find them after the show. I didn't even think to do that, I was about to head back home. He really asks if he'll see me again next time, like we're making plans. And it's all him.”
Riwoo is already done with his lunch, eyeing the dessert on Taesan's tray that he has yet to touch. Taesan passes it over to him across their table like an offering at temple. This has to convince Riwoo that something is going on with Jaehyun.
His offering is well received and it is in between spoonfuls of vanilla pudding that Riwoo fixes him another look and speaks again. “It holds you accountable and keeps you coming back when you know that he can tell if you were there or not.” He's swirling his spoon in the air as he gestures about, as if the cafeteria is his very own lecture hall and Taesan is a student that is about to do very poorly on the upcoming midterm. “He doesn't have to rely on whether you were up front enough to be visible. He knows exactly what days you came on because he talks to you. And you like him, so you'd find it awkward to explain why you missed a show like that.”
Such a cynical view. As doubtful as he could talk Taesan into being, Riwoo is being absurd. Obviously Jaehyun and the rest of the guys have the interest of keeping him a returning customer, but he's completely disregarding the very real relationship they have, not only with Taesan but with the rest of the fans, too. The love between an artist and those who enjoy their art is pure in ways Riwoo couldn't grasp without experiencing it himself.
And experience it he does. Both of them decide to make a full outing of it, meeting well before the evening’s lineup is meant to start performing to grab some jjolmyeon at a spot Riwoo has been meaning to try for a while. The crowd is made of mostly old people, a great indicator of the food’s evident quality but also an awkward surrounding for Riwoo's persisting interrogation. “You said it's mostly just you and a crowd of girls?” He's asking in between chews.
Taesan winces at how loud his voice is. “Out of the regulars, yes. There are other guys at most shows, they're just less frequent attendees. I know most of them by face.”
Riwoo nods, giving his noodles another mix. “Are you sure it's not just male privilege then?”
“Hyung,” the exasperation is evident in Taesan's voice. A small part of him is fearful of the possibility that his gender is the only thing that makes the treatment he gets from Jaehyun special. But that can't be right. He's special in his own right. They're special, individually, together. “Jaehyun would never discriminate based on gender. He's not that type of guy.”
Even if he's being delusional about the two of them, and he's not, his sense of judgement when it comes to people would never be so poor. Taesan can tell a good guy from a sexist, especially after talking so frequently. Jaehyun definitely isn't one. The sincere love in his heart is so big it encompasses all of their fans, regardless of gender.
He will convince Riwoo. In a few hours Riwoo will see for himself, not just how incredible Sea Side are on stage and with the crowd, but how different what he and Jaehyun have is. Riwoo will see for himself that Taesan hasn't been recalling everything with some sort of rose tinted glasses, that his memories of each and every conversation and interaction he and Jaehyun had are true to reality. He will convince Riwoo, so he can be fully convinced himself.
Il Mare is bustling with attendees tonight, the crowd bigger than Taesan is used to normally. Sea Side is playing a party lineup, and admission includes both the live performance and DJ set later, which is why it's so much busier than usual when the live crowd leaves and the party crowd enters at different price points.
Taesan scans the room, spotting Rima and Hikaru already at the front with their cameras hanging from their necks. The first band is still setting up, so the girls are leaning on the stage while chatting. He waves until he catches their attention across the room in greeting, and they wave back, beckoning him to join them.
He looks to Riwoo by his side, who's busy looking around the venue, not his usual scene for sure yet he doesn't seem to stick out all that much either. He isn't built for the front of the crowd though. Taesan gestures at him to let the girls know that he's with someone and won't be able to join them, receives thumbs up in return and is once again left to tend to his friend.
Riwoo turns to him again, seemingly done observing their surroundings. “I think the bar has fries. Do you want some?” Taesan cannot imagine how Riwoo still has room for fries after all the noodles and side of mandu they had not so long ago. He declines but follows Riwoo as he beeline for the bar and inquires about the fries.
It turns out that they do not have fries tonight, so Riwoo settles for a cider bottle that he nurses as if it was alcoholic. The first band of the night starts their set, and they're only just about okay, but nothing grand. “Do you know these guys?”
Taesan leans in so he doesn't have to raise his voice too much. “Never heard of them. The organisers tonight are a party line, so this isn't my usual circle either.”
They observe the set for a while, watching the crowd sway here and there, Taesan bobbing his head along to the beat. He loves music so much that he could groove even to a customer service jingle. The vibration of a live beat however, no matter how mediocre the band playing it is, will always be his favourite sensation. He will always make the most out of a live band.
To his right, Riwoo seems to be doing alright with the music, too. It's a twenty-something minute set, which is plenty of time for him to have finished his cider and parted ways with his bottle, and is now leaning back against the bar, eyes focused on the movement of the band members on stage as they come together to play off of each other and alternate their positions to allow room for a guitar solo here and there. Then they're done, and the shuffle of packing and dismantling and the following act’s members starting to set up begins.
“Are these guys any good?” Riwoo asks this time, Taesan's head already turned to scan the back of the room. Woonhak is already there, and so is Sungho, both of them standing next to some of their equipment bags and chatting. They always share a car, meaning Jaehyun should show up any minute.
“I don't know, I've never heard of these ones either.” Glancing back at Riwoo, his friend seems to have followed his gaze. Before he can ask anything too horrifying or diabolical, Taesan chooses to explain himself first. “See these two in the back? The tall one is Woonhak, the drummer. The other one is Sungho, on bass.”
“Decent looking guys,” Riwoo comments. He is clearly about to follow that up with something, but is promptly cut off by a booming guitar riff and the loud countdown of the band on stage. The new guys are going at it hard, maybe a bit too hard if the disparity in between their rhythms is anything to go by. Riwoo grimaces a little and tiptoes up to Taesan's ear. “I think it's time for a smoke break.”
He's probably right. That's one of the unsettling things about the state of things currently, Taesan muses as he follows Riwoo down the stairs and out onto the street corner for his smoke. Riwoo has a tendency to be right, but right now Taesan really needs him not to be.
The wet June air warms up his lungs as Taesan inhales deeply, eyes searching their surroundings intuitively to the sound of Riwoo's lighter flickering a few times as the latter lights up. He's looking for Jaehyun, he realises. Instead all he finds is Leehan's back in the alleyway to their left, own cigarette hanging between loose fingers and the humidity. “Sorry about the other bands tonight,” he turns back to Riwoo. “Usually I catch better lineups.”
Riwoo ashes his cigarette and shrugs. “It's not your fault they suck.”
It is indeed not his fault. He observes as Leehan puts the butt of his cigarette out with the heel of his shoe and heads back inside, too fixated on his phone screen to notice Taesan on his way. “When was the last time you even went to a gig, anyway?”
“I was pretty close to the stage at our university festival this semester.” Taesan recalls the atrocious variety of acts their student council had booked for the event and chooses to refrain from commenting on Riwoo's choice to attend. “I get why you like these sorts of shows though, I think. Small crowd, intimate stage… A very different kind of vibe to big concerts. It's easier to be seen, but you're also hidden. Inside there you are bare, but outside nobody knows you're here. It suits you.”
Taesan's throat runs a little dry but he hurries to blame it on the second hand smoke. “I like the music.”
“You also like your hot frontman.” Riwoo tacks on. Taesan rolls his eyes in exasperation.
“He's not hot.”
“I'll be the judge of that.”
“Sure.”
A comfortable silence floats between them for a while, only occasionally disturbed by the drunk stumbling of strangers here and there. Riwoo's Bohem Cigar Master is long burnt through and discarded. The muffled rumble of music from inside the building has ceased, too, so Taesan kicks back against the wall and straightens up. “I think they're about to go on now. Let's head back in.”
They climb back up into the club, dodging a couple making out on the stairs and the line for the toilets before the playlist between sets brings them back into the moment. Riwoo follows Taesan diligently as he finds them a comfortable spot in the crowd. He also doesn't comment anything when Taesan once again looks around and his eyes glint with a shine that wasn't there before when they land on Jaehyun in the back of the room, attempting to haul a comical amount of their equipment to bring over. Woonhak swoops in to take the bulkier units from him worldlessly, leaving Jaehyun with his distortion mic’s case and a cute smile on his face.
Taesan can feel Riwoo's evaluating gaze on him as his own eyes follow Jaehyun making his way up to the stage, as Sea Side help each other finish setting up and greet the girls at the front. Rima is jokingly berating Leehan for trying to prank them by pretending that he'll be playing the wrong side of the stage tonight. Hikaru is checking the settings of her camera, adjusting her zoom as Jaehyun settles into position in front of her.
They're all going through the motions, the crowd buzzing with quiet conversation that doesn't really register, and then the sound of Woonhak's drumsticks count them down and the first song begins. Nothing matters anymore between the roll of Sungho's bass and Leehan's guitar crashing on Taesan like waves through the speakers. Jaehyun's voice beckons all of the attention the room has to offer as he bellows into the microphone, messy hair and smooth skin glinting under the spotlight. Like the natural way he would place chopsticks between his fingers, no longer even noticing the intricate grip he is using to eat, Taesan chants along at all the right moments, his voice just one amongst the unified chorus of the crowd.
Songs bleed into each other and into talking ments, Jaehyun masterfully eliciting responses from the crowd like an orchestra conductor. Feelings of rage and longing and joy and contempt all swirl together above them from lyric to lyric to shout and recall and before Taesan can register, twenty-something minutes have gone by and the staff at the back says there's no time for an encore and it's all over. Blearily, he takes a minute too long to find Riwoo in the crowd again, who greets him with an unsettlingly warm smile.
They loiter a little as Sea Side packs up, Taesan attempting to gauge Riwoo's thoughts on the show from his unreadable expression alone. The weight of the moment sinks in again, drawing from his shoulders down his shoulder blades and waist and settling all the way up front in his stomach. He fears that if he addresses Riwoo right now, asks him how he found the show or acknowledged the happenings in any capacity out loud, he won't be able to collect himself back into a presentable human being for the meet and greet.
So he doesn't. With Riwoo's silent cooperation, which Taesan can't think about too much either, he leads them after Sea Side and the rest of the regular girls out of the venue, down the stairs and into the alley Leehan had smoked in earlier, now seemingly aeons but also seconds ago.
Taesan has attended double digits of Sea Side gigs since he first discovered them, fresh off the express bus to Seoul and barely settled into his dorm. He has begun to lose count of the meet and greets he's done with them by now, too. Even though he met and chatted to the Sea Side members more than he called his parents nowadays, the jitters that would overtake him after the show did not seem to lessen each time. It's the adrenaline from the show, he repeats to himself. It's the awe and emotions only good music can awaken. It's normal, and most importantly, it's not clouding his judgement at all.
His palms have grown uncomfortably damp in the wet summer air, and he rubs them against the denim of his jeans to try and dry them up as he leads Riwoo to stand in Sungho's line first. “He is always dying to head out first, so we do him a favour.” He turns to Riwoo to explain, and is met yet again with an oddly warm hum.
“If I put on the show he just did, I would also want to get home already.” Comes Riwoo's response. He turns to his purse and fishes out a bottle of water, which he offers to Taesan. Upon receiving a quizzical look, Riwoo rolls his eyes. Finally, a reaction Taesan can comfortably handle. “Your throat could use this after all the chanting you did.”
Taesan lets the kindness from Riwoo's bag of wonders in. He truly is parched, and he has a bunch of talking ahead of him for the upcoming hour. Riwoo's eyes won't leave him as he gulps down about half a bottle, nor when he hands it back for safekeeping. Between the post-show nerves and this uncanny attention from his friend, the knots in Taesan's stomach manage to distract him all the way up to the front of the line where Sungho is waiting, an unimpressed look in his eyes.
“Hey again,” he greets coolly, and the normalcy of it, the familiarity of his tone and faux indifference, finally put Taesan at ease. “You brought a new guy?”
Taesan lets out a little snort. Sungho's cold guy act was one of his greatest sources of entertainment. “Yeah, I think we're going to found your official fanboy club.”
Sungho sighs, cocking his head to the side to get a better look at Riwoo. Taesan steps aside to allow him a better view. “I hope this guy knows how to manage one,” Sungho gestures, looking between them. “Because I don't have the time for it, and you're technologically inept.”
“Yah!” Taesan bursts out laughing.
“You know this about him, too, I suppose?” Sungho is addressing Riwoo now, who stepped forward to shake his hand neatly.
“He's helpless. It's a wonder he figured out how to even use his smartphone.”
“I'm Sungho,” Taesan realises that maybe he should've conducted the introductions himself before they had the chance to gang up on him by themselves. “And your name is?”
“Riwoo. You put on a good show tonight.” It catches Taesan by surprise a little, how naturally this seems to come to Riwoo. He's no social butterfly, nor is he a very experienced fan, and yet he seems to know exactly what to do. Maybe, Taesan supposes, the lack of nerves makes the motions of a meet and greet a lot easier to go through.
Sungho thanks him with a polite bow, then turns back to Taesan. “You said you're going back home this summer, right?”
Right. Taesan prepared for this. “Yes, yes I am. I won't be able to make the next few shows because of it. But I'll be back! And I wanted to say thanks, man, for all the dope shows this past semester. You never disappoint.”
He receives one of Sungho's signature smiles in return, a smile that has been clearly crafted to receive compliments there is no real rebuttal for. It leaves him just sort of standing there, though, so Taesan finds himself talking again before he can think his words through. “Take care of yourself man. Don't, like, get hurt or something while I'm away.”
Now it's Sungho's turn to laugh at him, loud enough to draw the attention of the girls behind them in line. “Oh my god, go away dude.” He shoos Taesan with a dismissive hand, and then to Riwoo: “This guy already has a bunch so I'm not offering him, but do you want a selfie?”
Clearly enjoying the mischief of it all, Riwoo agrees. Taesan watches them take a few selfies, a surreal sort of experience he doubts himself from last month could have ever even began to imagine, and then it's all over and Sungho is waving them off politely and turning to the girl behind them in line.
The rhythm of routine continues thrumming over Taesan as he goes from line to conversation to line to conversation. Woonhak gawks and bows at ninety degrees and woahs at Riwoo before thanking him profusely for coming tonight, and Riwoo manages to keep his laughter down to an inoffensive giggle that makes Woonhak smile. He promises Taesan to take care while he's away like a command from his general.
Leehan abandons all talk about the weather and its projected effects on the sea conditions this week when he sees Riwoo, palms lingering after their handshake and eyes lingering everywhere else. He asks Taesan if he's already booked his buses to Gwangju and back, on what days exactly, stops to think about their schedule and frowns at Taesan heading back home just three days before their next show. There's nothing that can be done, the tickets are booked and his family insisted, but he'll be back in no time still. Riwoo comments that he caught a whiff of Dunhill Classic Reds, which he informs Taesan is only due to his sharp nose and also a respectable choice that he approves of. He also calls him charming, off handedly, but not off handedly enough.
Taesan wants to tease him for it, he really does, except just as he is about to, the girl in front of him hurries out of the way with her signature notebook in hand and Jaehyun is there, eyes big and wide and locking with Taesan's. Taesan freezes, butterflies kicking in his stomach violently when Jaehyun greets him with a shy smile and the tiniest bow in the world. No amount of time spent with Jaehyun like this could ever prepare him, he thinks, could ever ease him into normalcy. Jaehyun is the furthest there is from normal. He is outstanding in every way possible; his thoughts, his words, his voice and expressions and his heart are all so impossibly special.
Jaehyun shrugs up the gift bags hanging from his wrists with a little giggle. “Taesan-ah, how have you been?”
That snaps him back. “Good! Good. What about you?”
Jaehyun has been good, too. He talks through his smile, lighting up the alleyway like fireworks or the drone light show at Banpo Bridge. “How did you like the show tonight?”
“You were incredible! There were so many new people in the crowd tonight, but you really brought them to life. They were so energetic even when they didn't know the songs.”
“They were really intense,” Jaehyun agrees and Taesan swears he can feel the adrenaline of the show rushing through them both again, like an invisible force pulling them together, an energy only they share “Their tension was so high, I almost got scared. But I liked it! The energy was really good.”
“It really was. And the cover you did of I Don't Love You was amazing, too. What made you choose it?” The question comes out just barely contained enough. Taesan nearly jumped out of his skin when Leehan's guitar led them into the song. He'd turned to Riwoo then, mouth open in shock, much to Riwoo's confusion, before Jaehyun's voice began mourning around well, when you go and beckoned him back.
Taesan didn't think Jaehyun's eyes could grow any bigger or shimmer any brighter, and is yet again blindsided by Jaehyun's ability to defy all laws of nature and physics and logic as a new wave of enthusiasm washes over him. “It's been my favourite My Chem song since I was young. I thought it would suit the theme tonight, since they do some emo events here.”
This piece of information cannot be the thing that kills Taesan, so he does his best to hold himself together and use human words rather than squeals in his response. “I also grew up on them! You picked such a great song, and it's not easy to cover. Gerard puts so much emotion into his vocals in this one, and you did such amazing work with it. You really did the song justice.”
Jaehyun pulls the sleeves of his hoodie over his palms as he exhales a shy laugh and a pouty thank you, eyes downcast on the asphalt below their feet, glistening under the overhead streetlight with humid moisture. “Ah, I started reading the book you gave me.”
“Really?” He gifted Jaehyun a copy of it after they talked about writing styles a few weeks back because he thought Jaehyun would enjoy the writer’s approach to story structure. It registers to him now that at some point during Jaehyun's day, in his free time, he thought of Taesan giving him this book, and decided to read it. Based on Taesan's recommendation. “What do you think?”
“I haven't gotten very far yet,” Jaehyun's eyebrows are furrowed as he visibly concentrates on finding the right words, the motion scrunching his nose to match. He looks infinitely soft and tender. “But I really liked the way the dialogue is written. I kept having to hold myself back from skipping ahead to read the response and actually take in the rest of the text in between. It's really interesting.”
He is always so observant, Taesan thinks, not for the first time. Not just of the outside world, but of himself, too. He always knows exactly how to pin certain motions, certain thoughts and emotions. It especially shines through in the sharp and witty lines he threads into the tight knit of Sea Side's lyrics. Taesan is nothing like that. He stumbles over his own thoughts and feelings into clumsy sentences that leave his lips despite himself. No matter how much he tries, he can't seem to untangle the convoluted wires of the human machine, can't wrap his head around feelings shared with him that make no sense. Now, he doesn't know what to respond beyond a soft “Oh,” of acknowledgement, and then, a bit helplessly, “ah, I actually brought a friend today. This is Riwoo.”
The surprise on Jaehyun's face as he takes Riwoo in and goes about greeting him and asking how he found the show strikes Taesan with the realisation that Jaehyun didn't notice Riwoo was there. He may be a little selfish for it, but his heart swells with pride. Jaehyun's attention was all on him from the moment he appeared. He wasn't interested in whoever may have stood behind Taesan, not even enough to register if they were a familiar face or not.
Riwoo compliments Jaehyun on the set politely and Jaehyun thanks him, humble as ever. They take a photo to complete Riwoo's four member set, then Jaehyun is turning back to Taesan, brows furrowed with an unreadable emotion. “You're gonna be gone for a while after this, right? Should we take a picture too?”
How could Taesan ever refuse? He nods and scoots over where Jaehyun gestures, settling in for a few grainy selfies in the poor lighting. Jaehyun tilts his head to the side as they pose and when Taesan's eyes glance at his face on the screen it looks like he is leaning on Taesan's shoulder.
“Take care during your break,” Jaehyun beats Taesan to it once all the photos have been taken, offering up his hand for what might just be the most emotionally charged fist bump of Taesan's life. He proceeds to bump Riwoo, too, and Taesan realises that this is goodbye. A temporary one just for a few weeks, yet still heavy nonetheless.
He doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to walk away and have the moment end, not yet. He'll be back, he knows that, it's not forever. But it doesn't matter. He can't seem to let go of this moment.
Jaehyun appears to feel the same. A ghost of hesitation hangs over him for a fraction of a moment, then it's gone, and— “Can I give you a hug?”
Taesan has been attending Sea Side’s concerts for several months by this point. Not once has he seen any of the members hug a fan.
“Yeah.”
Jaehyun's hug is everything Taesan didn't dare to imagine staring up at his ceiling and coming down from the highs of nights like this one. His body is as warm as his smiles and words always are, a heat that soaks under Taesan's skin and overtakes him entirely. His arms are secure around Taesan, holding him firmly in place like he really doesn't want Taesan to go either. In this proximity, torsos flushed against each other, Jaehyun's chin slots over Taesan's shoulder perfectly. His Adam's apple glides over the edge of Taesan's collar bone. He swallows dryly in a jerk response.
But all things must come to an end. Eventually, Jaehyun pulls back, a smile that almost looks pained on his face now. He waves goodbye at Taesan as he grimaces a smile in return, as he awkwardly pads backwards to keep waving back, as he has to inevitably turn back and away from Jaehyun, Riwoo at his heel.