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He tried not to cry. The EADA crying on a park bench, his phone to his ear. Not a good look. But he cried anyway. He couldn't help it. His fathers last words. And he didn't even respond. He was too busy. Maybe Thomas was right. He did work too much. Thomas told Nolan that taking their father off of life support was what was best for all of them. But it still hurt. He used visit their father every Saturday to make sure he was ok. And the first Saturday after his funeral, the actual reality of his father's death hit him when he realized that he had no one at the hospital to visit. He thought about going to spend time with Thomas and Kira. It would be nice to see his nephew. But then a new case came up. Then another. Another. He just had no time. He wanted to bring it up with Nick, but he didn't want to leave Sam to work cases by herself, even though she was entirely competent to do so. As he sat there on that bench Nolan thought about the last thing he said to his brother, Christopher. What did he say? What was doing the last time he saw him? It broke his heart when he realized that he couldn't remember.
He didn't get a cab home. He walked the whole 12 blocks to his apartment. It was a Friday, so Nick would be there. He was sort of dreading Nick seeing him like this, hair a mess, eyes red, nose running from the cold of the night. So he tried to slow his pace as much as he could bear while still moving. He didn't know what time it was when he got home. Didn't care to check his watch or phone. He opened the door, closed it. Dropped his keys in a small wooden bowl by the door. Hung up his coat and scarf. Nick was lounging on the couch, his computer in his lap. Nolan noticed in the reflection of his reading glasses that Nick was reading an article about the case. He looked up and saw a very tired and beaten down Nolan in front of him.
"Nolan, you're home late..." Nick said as he sat up. Nolan sat down next to him, all his energy spent. Nick placed a hand on Nolan's face, turning it to face him. "Jesus... Nolan, are you alright?" He asked, concern in his voice after seeing Nolan's teary eyes. Nolan shook his head.
"I can't remember the last thing I said to him," he said, his voice shaky and broken.
Nick pulled him close as they both laid back on the couch, Nick's arms holding Nolan in a comforting embrace. "Who? Your father?" He asked.
"No... my brother. I don't even remember what I was doing the last time I saw him alive," Nolan replied. His tears started to fall again even as he tried to stop them.
"Christopher," Nick said, simply confirming.
"What if the last thing I said to him was something that I regretted? We used to argue a lot after he started... using. What if we got into a fight and then he died? I can't remember. What if it was my fault?" He said as he broke down. The whole case had been a lot. All of the cases since his father's death had been a lot. Sometime he just needed to decompress. But other times he completely broke down. He used to cry a lot after his brother died. He didn't have anyone to help him through that. So he would bury himself in work. But now he had Nick. They'd been dating in secret for almost two years now, and everytime Nolan couldn't hold it in anymore, Nick was there with him, whether it was in Nolan's bedroom or their offices. Nick was always there to hold him, ground him in the moment so he didn't lose himself.
"Hey, shhhh... it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done," he tried to comfort his lover. "Sometimes, people die. But we can't blame ourselves. All we can do is do right by them. Sometimes the best we can do is remember who they were, the person we knew."
After he seemed to have calmed down, Nolan asked, "would you be fine with me taking a few days off?"
"Of course. If anyone needs a break, its you. What do you plan on doing?" Nick asked.
"I think I'm just going to go for a drive. To Massachusetts, where I grew up. Don't worry," Nolan adjusted, running his hands up and down Nick's arm. "I just need some time away. I won't be away more than three days." He kisses Nick's jaw.
"Im not worried about cases, love. Im worried about you," nick said as Nolan left him to go to bed.
Nick woke to Nolan's side of the bed empty. He must have left early. He got up, changed clothes, brushed his teeth, and combed his hair. He saw on the fridge that Nolan had left a note.
Be back in a couple days. Love you <3
Nick found it adorable how Nolan always drew a heart on the notes he left. Only for Nick. Always.
But he was still worried. Nolan was in quite a state the night before, and Nick wanted to make sure he was OK. So he got in his car and started to drive. He told Sam that he was spending time with his daughter. She would have to hold down the fort until they both got back. She could handle herself well enough. She was a great lawyer, amazing.
He needed to make sure the man he loved was ok.
He didn't remember the drive from New York to Massachusetts being so long. Maybe he was just nervous. It had been 12 years since his brother had died. He had tried to get as far away from the guilt as possible. He had only visited his brother's grave once. And that was the day before he moved to New York. As he drove, Nolan thought again about the last time he had seen him. He vaguely remembered Christopher storming out of Nolan's office in Boston...
You have no idea what its like Nolan...
Of course I don't. Because you won't talk to me! Well used to be close...
We still are! If you would just listen!
Ive tried to listen--
But you haven't! You're always working, you disregard everything I say as if you think im just making this all up!
Im not disregarding you Chris. Im trying to understand what you're going through. I wish you would take care of yourself. The least you could do is actually show up to the therapy sessions I booked for you.
I don't go because I don't need help, Nolan. I am not some broken mess that needs fixing. Im not a client that you're defending in court. I just want my big brother to support me.
I would if you would let me--
Scolding me for "bad life decisions" is not supporting me.
Chris--
No, Nolan. Im done. Im tired of you. And Thomas. And dad, and mom. All of you! Im going to find Vanessa, and talk to Anna. Maybe she'll want to live with me
You know you don't have custody over Anna anymore. And Vanessa made it very clear that she is done with this family.
I don't care. Im seeing my wife and my daughter and then Im leaving.
Chris, wait--
Goodbye Nolan.
He pulled into the driveway of the motel and Checked in. Nick wasn't exactly sure what he thought Nolan was planning on doing, but with as upset as he was, he could do something stupid. And Nick didn't want him to. He might hurt himself. So he puts his bag on the crappy motel bed and sits down to take some breaths. He knew where Nolan would go. He hoped. Nolan had told him about Christopher a few times. About his wife Vanessa, his daughter Julianna. When Anna was 8, Christopher lost custody of her because of his drug problem. Vanessa left him about a year later. Nolan hated her. She had abandoned his little brother when he had needed her the most.
Nick was hurt on Nolan's behalf, mostly by the fact that his family blamed him for his brother's death. Which was why he blamed himself. But Nolan loved his family. Nick wished he could have lectured William Price for being an ass to his son. When Nolan had told him about the voicemail, he wasn't exactly warmed, but he hated the man a little less.
Nick just wanted Nolan to be ok. To know that he can't save everyone.
Nolan's hands were shaking. He went to the winery he and Christopher used to go to when they were still in school. They never tasted any of the wine, but they liked the smells. He picked out the wine that they liked the best, as well as some flowers and a box of chocolates. The ones with the cherries in them. Christopher used to like them. Always got them in his stocking, and in Easter eggs, and for birthdays. And Nolan was the one who made sure that he always got them. He was his little brother. How could he allow him to be disappointed? He paid in cash, and headed for the cemetery.
He had always tried his best to avoid thinking about the dead. But the amount of people who had died in prison after he had put them there haunted him sometimes. He liked putting really bad people behind bars. But he disliked being wrong. About his clients, the defendants, the witnesses, the evidence. He despised liars who ruined his cases, or allowed him to put an innocent person in jail. He was livid when people lied on the stand, lying about what they had told him. Why would someone protect a murderer? It wasn't right. Nolan had spent 8 months trying to figure out how Christopher had overdosed. His finger prints were on the syringe. But it didn't make sense. He wasn't suicidal. He just wanted...
Support. Support that Nolan hadn't given him.
As Nolan entered the cemetery, his heart began to race. He almost dropped the wine. He leaned against a tree to catch his breath. Why was this so hard? Why did he feel so guilty? He tried to get justice for his brother. He really did. Why was this guilt so heavy?
After he caught his breath, Nolan searched for his brother's grave. He didn't need to, because he knew exactly where it was. But he still wanted to take his time. And then, he was there.
~Christopher Michael Price~
•Beloved son, husband, father, and brother•
~1979-2014~
He didn't know why he hesitated. He went over the whole thing in his head. And then, being there in the moment, his plan to be cool in front of his brother's grave dissolved. He sat down, placing the flowers to lean against the headstone. He opened the wine and poured two glasses.
"H-hey," he said. "Its me. Nolan. But... you probably know that. I know its been a while. Im sorry I haven't visited," he blushed for some reason. He opened the chocolates and placed one on the stone.
"I brought your favorites," Nolan adjusted so he was sitting with his back against the stone. "I guess you wanna know what's been going on, huh? Well, to start, I got the job I wanted. EADA Nolan Price. Catchy, am I right? I don't know where Anna is right now. I think she started a punk band a few years ago. But I haven't heard from her since she was 19. Sorry, I should have looked out for her more. Dad died. I couldn't keep watching him suffer. If he's there tell him I say hi. On the bright side, Thomas and I are on speaking terms again, so that's good. Oh and I, uh," he blushes again. "I met someone. Remember all those times you told me I was closeted? Well, you were right. I have a boyfriend. His name is Nick. He's also my boss so we keep it quiet. He's really sweet and kind. It's a little strange having him as my boss and my lover, but he cares about me. And I think I love him. Yeah, I definitely love him." It was so easy to talk when no one was talking back. Nolan liked that he could just talk and not need a filter. He could just let all of his thoughts out.
After a small silence, finally he said, "I'm so sorry Chris. I should have done more. I should have listened to you, supported you. You were my best friend and I couldn't even get justice for you. I wish I could have done more, I wish I could really talk to you. I wish you could still eat dinner with Anna and I. Wish I could hug you and tell you that you're going to be alright. Im your brother. Thats what I'm supposed to do. But I can't. And im sorry." He finished. Then he heard a twig snap. He turned quickly and saw Nick Baxter standing behind him.
"Nick? What are you doing here?" He asked as he stood.
"I was worried you might do something stupid. And I wanted to make sure you were ok. Its not like you to take breaks." Nick replied. He walked towards Nolan and pulled him into a hug. "Y'know, if you wanted a hug all you had to do was ask." Nick said. Nolan chuckled as a he intertwined his hands on Nick's back.
"Sorry I worried you. Want some wine? Don't think Chris will mind. He really only liked the smell of it. Never a fan of the taste." He said as they sat down together. "Chris, this is Nick. Be nice," Nolan joked, poking Nick's shoulder. They drank their wine, and ate their chocolates. Nolan left the wine and flowers there as they walked back to Nick's motel. They both kicked their shoes off and collapsed on the bed. They were a little tipsy, Nolan a bit more because he didn't drink much, aside from a few shots of whiskey every now and again.
"Sooooo... you love me?" Nick teased.
"Oh shut up." They both laughed. Then Nolan blushed. He looked even more beautiful when he was embarrassed, in Nick's opinion. "So, how much of that did you hear?"
"Most of it. Im sorry about your brother. And your father. Wish there was something I could do." He replied. Nolan looked thoughtful.
"You can hold me, because I am barely holding back more tears," Nolan laughed weakly. "God. Im a mess, aren't I?"
"A little," Nick said as he positioned Nolan's head in his lap, one hand on his chest, the other gently combing his hair. Nolan liked it when Nick's played with his hair. "But there's nothing wrong with that."
"I think I know why I feel so guilty. Its not because I argued with him. Not because I wasn't there to support him." Nolan said with a tension in his voice.
"Then what?"
"I took his daughter away from him. I told Thomas that I didn't think Chris was fit to take care of Anna anymore. Ive seen children ripped from their parents arms as they get put in cuffs and taken to interrogation rooms. But to see officers take my niece away from her father? It hurt. And then Chris signed custody over to me. I didn't know how to take care of a kid. And I think it showed. When she turned 19 she moved out without a word. I used to keep tabs on her, but then she moved down south, to Texas. She even changed her name. She hates me." He cuddled up closer to Nick.
"I remember when my daughter learned that her mother and I were getting divorced. She wouldn't talk to me for weeks. Part of me knows that she's still angry. But I also know that I can't change what I decided to do. Our choices can help, and harm. They have consequences, and after effects. What matters is that we learn from our mistakes." Nick soothed Nolan as his lover began to fall asleep, his dark lashes fluttering closed.
"Thank you... I think Chris would have liked you," Nolan said sleepily.
"You think? Thats actually comforting." Nick chuckled in reply.
"But Anna would hate you. She despises lawyers..." Nick was about to reply, but he felt the steady breathing of a sleeping prosecutor. He laid his head back against the blue-gray cushioned headboard and sighed. Strangely, with his lover sleeping on his chest, Nick wondered what Anna looked like. Did she look like Nolan? Steely blue eyes that stared into the very soul, dark curly hair, broad shoulders? He wondered if Riley's daughter listened to her music.
As he began to drift off as well, Nick wished that he had had the opportunity to meet Christopher. But for now, he would just make sure that Chris's older brother was comforted. Nick wanted Christopher to know that he do anything to make sure that Nolan was healthy and that he was safe.
Anything at all.
He'd burn down the world for this man.