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the clock hits 9 PM at pittsburgh trauma medical center and you’re sure you’re going to faint soon but you still have two hours left of your shift. today was extremely hard, extremely cruel. you lost a patient just in the first hour of your shift, another one vomited right on you leading to a very needed scrubs change, a sick newborn abandoned at the entrance and your mother who has been sick for a while now got admitted to a care facility just today. to top it all off, it was day two of your period and you haven’t gotten to eat anything during your shift so you couldn’t take anything for the cramps that have been getting worse by the minute.
and it is a busy day down at the pitt. never ending cycle of patients, you can’t even take a break.
“hey!” you hear behind you just as you’re staring at the patient board. you turn to see who it is and- “you good?”
dana evans. great. just what you needed, really.
“thanks, dana. hanging in there i guess.”
you have been growing a serious crush for dana ever since starting at the pitt. everything about the woman was so alluring, her ‘zero fucks given’ attitude, the way she runs things around in the center, the way she shows care and her voice or her hair, her glasses, her hands.
before you could spiral further you felt her palm on your shoulder, “well, you don’t seem well.” dana says, leaning towards your neck. you try to keep your breathing normal to not embarrass yourself. “let me know if i can do anything. okay kid?”
dana lets go of you as you nod your head without looking at her. you can finally breathe when your phone starts ringing in your pocket. it’s on silent so you only feel the vibration and step towards the supply closets for some privacy.
it’s an unknown number but you pick it up nonetheless.
“hello?”
“hello [name]?” it’s your mother’s voice and she doesn’t sound happy. “hi mom.” you respond with a sigh. “what’s wrong?”
“honey i need you to pick me up. the doctors here don’t know what they’re doing. they’re dumb and incompetent and-”
“woah woah! slow down mom. i have friends working there. i’m sure you’re in all good hands.” your mom can be tough like this, hard to please and impatient.
“no. no honey i need you to do something. what? are you like these doctors now too?” oh no. she shouldn’t, she couldn’t. not now at least. “why did you make me stay here, huh? cause you were sick of taking care of me?”
“no mom. you know i need to work to manage the house. you-”
“you couldn’t keep me at home? had to make me go to a shitty facility where they treat me like i’m on death row?”
“mom i’m sure they’re not doing that. please. and we can’t afford a caretaker. you know that.”
“whatever missy. just know i know when you’re getting discharged and if you’re a minute late to pick me up- we will be having problems.” and she hangs up. just like that. leaving you inside the noisy, crowded hospital with a heart beating faster than a hummingbird and mind clogged with thought.
it’s too much. everything. the shouting of the patients. beeping machines. the sweat in your palms. somebody calling someone’s name in the background. the pain in your belly and lower back spreading all over your body. your vision whitening. the nausea. before you know it you’re pushing open one of the storage cabinets and sliding inside the narrow space, down onto the floor, the door closing behind you.
━━━━━━━━━
outside in the hospital, unbeknownst to you, is dana, searching. first she figures you’ve just gone out for a smoke, or just in the restrooms. but after a while the worry starts to nib at the back of her per usual crowded mind. she didn’t like the fatigued look on your face earlier either and now you were nowhere to be found. she asks everyone she can find, santos, whitaker, javadi, even robby. but it’s to no hope.
finally dana makes it to the storage. and when she nears a door only to hear your faint cries coming through, she gently knocks. you go silent on the second.
“hey. still hanging in there kid?” dana’s soft voice washes over you, leaving a warm feeling in its wake. before you know it dana is opening the door and stepping inside. the small space barely fits the two of you in next to the tall cabinets.
you look up at her, eyes bloodshot and sore from crying, lip bleeding just a little because of how hard you bit down on it, knees curled to your chest. dana’s heart shatters at the vision as she crouches down next to you.
the proximity is maddening and you can’t remember how to breathe again. dana puts a hand on your knee and you fold both legs to your side, tugging them closer to you. “oh, sweets.” dana says after a while and her back hits the wall too. the two of you are crouched down on the concrete, dana has on knee bent up as she sits on the floor. your legs are awkwardly positioned on top of each other, next to dana’s other leg that lays flat on the floor. she’s so close. so so close that you can smell the hand sanitizer and cigarettes on her and see the soft crinkles of her face.
your tears must be still spilling because dana cups a silent hand to your cheek and her thumb brushes your eyes. the touch of her skin is electrifying, you find yourself reaching forward to her. your face closer now.
dana looks over you, your scrubs wrinkled from holding onto them with such force, hands still a bit shaky around your tummy as you squeeze the muscle there with hopes to ease the pain. “tell me,” her voice is smooth like honey dripping from her lips that you want to get lost in, “tell me what’s wrong.”
you take a deep breath in, the aching in your belly still there. “everything?” your voice is so small in the room. so weak and you find yourself choking out a sob with hands reaching forward to the only solace you’re seeking.
“come here.” is all dana says, her arms opening at her sides to welcome you. her presence is so soothing and you can’t reach out fast enough. you scoot closer, your legs still bent to the side and knees knocking against each other. you find your place between dana’s spread legs, still sitting on the floor as she stretches the leg laying flat on the ground. both of your own legs slide under dana’s knee that’s bent up and finally your head hits her shoulder.
arms closing around behind her back and you just take her scent in for a moment. the feeling of fabric against your cheek as dana rubs a hand at your back. “shhhh… it’s okay.” her voice is encapsulating and it’s a dangerous game you’re playing now.
“it’s okay baby.” baby? god you were so doomed. “let it all out. i’m here.”
you don’t remember much after that. mind all foggy till the only thing there is is dana’s hands on your hair, neck, back. the small space between melts to nothing and you’re not sure where dana ends and you begin. as if by miracle you start to forget the dull ache of your belly and the only thing you can feel is the pen and everything else dana has in her front pocket, biting into your clavicle. your head against her shoulder, her neck. you inhale her in and it’s not enough. barely. you tilt your head and rest your forehead against her lips, her cheek. fuck.
you need to pull back, suddenly aware of the awkward situation you put yourself in but it’s too good to let go.
“ready to talk yet hon?” dana asks. you can feel her breath against your head as you nod slowly into the space of her neck you finally found solace in. you inhale one last time before pushing yourself back to sit on your heels. dana doesn’t extract her hands as they linger on your forearms. you still need her there.
“it’s just…” you sigh, “today was too much. and i’m on my period and my cramps are killing me.”
dana gives you a look that is so understanding yet sad you might just melt on the spot. her hair is messy with a few streaks slipping her bun, the soft crinkles around her eyes, the stethoscope hanging from her neck as she draws circles with her thumbs on your forearms. “did you take anything for the pain?” she asks you and you shake your head in denial.
dana tuts in response, clearly disappointed in the way you neglect yourself as she shuffles through the pockets of her scrubs. “here, eat these hazelnuts. one or two will suffice.” she hands you a zipped clear bag and gives you a stern look. brows scrunching up and her lips form an impatient pout, watching you fumble with the zip lock and quickly eat away.
once you’ve consumed something with high fat in it, your blood sugar coming back to normal finally and head clearing, dana is sure you can take an advil. “okay. let’s get you some water from outside kid.” dana stands up carefully and you just watch her, towering over you on the floor with both hands open for you to grab.
you take her hand and get up, suddenly even closer to her when standing up. dana puts her hands on your shoulders as you take a second to breathe, wiping furiously at your eyes. the two of you are close, but not close enough for your liking. dana’s big blue eyes search yours for a sign that you’re ready to step outside. you give her arm a squeeze and nod and she opens the door, letting the air of the er finally hit you.
you grab onto her arm, slouching a bit and not wanting to let go. dana walks the both of you to the nearest water fountain, scrambles out medication from her pocket and pops one into your held out palm. silently she watches as you hold onto the plastic cup with one hand and to her with the other.
it’s like her gaze can swallow you alive and you wouldn’t even think about protesting.
“i know it’s not the greatest idea,” dana speaks in a low voice one you’ve finished drinking. “and i shouldn’t but- wanna go out for a smoke darling?” you look into her eyes for a while, mute. “with me?” dana adds.
a smoke couldn’t hurt. especially not with dana.
“yes ma’am. yes… please.” you fumble, head spinning but not from the hunger, from dana’s presence so close. “but lemme get my pack from-”
“don’t even think about it kid.” dana grabs your arm and drags you towards the ambulance exit. you try to ignore her manhandling or the effects it has on your body. you would gladly let her pull you in by the collar of your scrubs and drag you anywhere.
once outside the dark night dana stands by the entrance and you sit on the concrete space in front of one of the plants. your head is in level with dana’s chest as she stand next to you with her back to the hospital, not looking your way. she takes out the pack of cigarettes from her pocket and takes out one. just one. you watch her intently as she places the bud between her faintly tinted lips and lights it in one go, expertly. her lips close around the cigarette, her hair framing her face in the mellow space of the emergency entrance and you can’t take your eyes away.
dana takes a long, uninterrupted drag and places the cig between her index and middle finger. the things you would do to be in the place of that cigarette right now are unspeakable. finally dana spares you a glance, like she knows exactly what she’s doing. that concerned gaze from back inside mixed with something mischievous. like you have all the time in the world and are not literally outside of an emergency center with barely two minutes to spare. and like she could have you anytime she sees fit and she knows it.
dana allows you no more space of spiraling as she turns to the side and steps in between your spread legs. you look up at her with expectant eyes and she makes you wait.
by now you’re sure dana knows what she’s doing, knows the effect she has on you but now it’s certain with the way she takes another inhale from the smoke and huffs out the excess. right over your face. and you whimper.
dana heard it. you’re sure of that. but she chooses to not comment, watching you squirm under her gaze instead. and when dana takes another step further you’re convinced you will do something to embarrass yourself. but dana is composed. she’s sure of herself as she tugs two fingers under your chin.
“it’s not good for your health baby.” her thumb brushes just under your bottom lip and you swear you can feel the taste of salt and hand sanitizer of her skin despite not even running your tongue over the spot. “but since you’re not feeling well… i’m putting some pity on you.”
dana lifts your head up even higher and for a fleeting moment you think she will kiss you. instead she says “open up.” in that syrupy voice that has your jaw already slacking. she puts the bud between your lips with such delicacy it’s borderline clinical. you feel the callouses on her fingertips just under your nose, hovering above your lips and your head spirals on what else she can do with those careful, gentle nurse hands that you almost forget you’re supposed to smoke.
dana notices the lag in your actions, of course she does with how observant she is. so professional and you would give anything for her to just take advantage of this moment. just claim you. but she just chuckles in response and takes away the cigarette, guiding it to her mouth now. the tip of it between her fingers is coated with lipstick, yours or hers, you’re not sure.
she smokes the rest of it away within minutes and you vaguely worry about the state of her lungs, more concerned with how her mouth is on the same place yours used to be and it feels like a kiss. it feels intimate in places it shouldn’t be.
the air is still brisk, lights outside faintly buzzing mixing with the crowd of inside that you have to return in a while. dana’s eyes are on you as she throws away the cig and lights it out with the tip of her crocs. you just swallow and wait for her final words to guide you back in.
“that was fun honey.” she steps back with a wicked grin and turns around to head back inside. “we should do it more often.”
hopefully. you think. hopefully we will.