Chapter Text
The crowd cheers as the basketball goes through the hoop. “ANOTHER 3-POINTER FOR THE LITTLEROCK RAVEN’S!!!” The announcer yells into the mic. The scoreboard ticks over again, 73-29. Our team is absolutely demolishing the Southview Cows.
I stand in the crowd, cheering as loudly as I can. We shout our chant, drowning out the squeaking shoes on the polished floors. Our stands are absolutely packed to the gills, overflowing onto the sidelines. Our half, firmly full of Raven’s, is booming. The stands shake as hundreds of feet stomp in rhythm to our chant.
I look across the court, watching the fury on the faces of our enemies, as our all-star player, Tim Walters, scores yet another basket. They shout at their own team, but even they can’t scream over the sound of our cheers. I’m swept away by the energy of the crowd, electric as the timer counts down the last seconds.
3….2…….1………..BUZZZZZ
Our team won. I look around as the entire stadium erupts into chaos. Athletes run onto the floor, piling around the players. Cheerleaders throw pom poms in the air, as dads on the other side throw their hats down. Chips go flying, papers get scattered, everything is in utter chaos.
As I see everything happening, I feel my joy fall a little. No one is celebrating with me. I look onto the floor and see Tim whispering in the ear of his cheerleader girlfriend. The perfect, blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny, smiling, pretty and wonderful-
The nasty feeling in my chest starts to creep in. I can feel the roots take hold in my heart as I watch her kiss him. I touch my fingers to my lips, wishing she would-
I turn and sprint out of the gym, as the ugly feeling in my chest starts to grow too much. I can feel the thorns beating against my ribs, trying to break free. I feel a little blood start to drip out of my nose as they pierce my skin.
I try my best to breathe. It’s not his fault, why wouldn’t she want him? I focus on the feeling of my shoes scraping the cement sidewalk, trying to put my mind on anything else. It’s not his fault. I don’t hate him.
As I focus on the sunlight warming my skin, I feel the thorns release my veins, and I breathe a little easier. The sounds of people spilling out of the gym finally reaches me, and I relax the grip on my arm.
I go settle on a tree near the edge of campus. I want to people watch, and now is an excellent time to do so. I watch high schoolers hoot and holler as they scramble into the parking lot. I watch as parents meander out of the doors, guiding grandparents over cracked sidewalks. I watch dads as they pat their sons on the back. It’s not hard to tell winners from losers. Their dads aren’t smiling.
I don’t watch when Tim walks his girlfriend (girlfriend girlfriend girlfriend why can’t she be my girlfriend) to his dumb sports car with his dumb sweaty #1 jersey. I rip my eyes from them as the Ugly in my chest starts to thrum again.
Nick’s grandma trips over a sidewalk, and I giggle a little. She’s not hurt, or I’d be up. But she’s flustered, because she was caught admiring one of the athletes. She hadn’t been watching where she was going, and her foot caught a concrete lip.
I sit on the cool grass until everyone has cleared out. The setting sun saps the last day’s warmth out of the sky. As night starts to fall, a cool breeze runs through the parking lot. I shiver, going to stand.
A hand reaches out to me, and I’m shocked when I see the milky hand of Alice, the most beautiful woman ever. Still in her cheerleading outfit, she smiles at me. I can feel my heart stutter, and I’m frozen. She moves her hand slightly, a little closer to me, and I shake out of my stupor. I grab her hand, and she pulls me up.
Her manicured fingers linger on my arm a moment as I settle. “So, did you enjoy the game?” Her voice is so suited for cheerleading, upbeat and cheerful.
I nod. “I, uh, I thought it was awesome.” She laughs, and we start to walk through the parking lot. “Not to be weird, but I thought I saw you leave with Tim earlier?”
“Oh yeah, he offered to drive me home. I reminded him that I drove here, after we made out in his car.” She giggles, but I can feel the Ugly rear its ugly head the second it comes out of her mouth. I start fiddling with my own fingers.
I look up, and notice that her lilac Bug is still in the lot. I was so focused on not focusing on her, that I completely ignored it.
“That makes sense.” I say. Looking at my feet as we walk, I grip my hand tighter. We’ve almost reached her car when she stops, turning to look at me.
“I feel like we don’t talk that much. We have gym class together, and I think we shared art last semester, right?” I nod, thinking back to when I used to admire her side profile from the back of the classroom. I’d never admit to her that at least two of our assignments last semester were modeled after her.
“You seem so nice. I remember when you talked in class, you were always so insightful.” I grin at her, clutching my arm. I can feel a blush start to rise on my cheeks.
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m just shy. Painfully shy, to be honest. Most people don’t like hanging out with someone who doesn’t talk much. I didn’t want to bother you all, because you and your friends are so outgoing, and you’re so talented at what you do.”
She laughs, waving her hand. “We’re not all that! We’re just a group of people. You should hang out with us some time. Listen, there’s a party going on at Tim’s house tonight, since his parents are out of town. Why don’t you come celebrate with us?” I can almost ignore his name. The pure excitement of being around her, of her wanting me to be around, it’s almost enough to squash It down. It only shudders slightly, and that’s easy to ignore.
“Sure, if you want me to come. Where is it?” I do my best not to sound too eager. I don’t want to be creepy. After all, like she said, she’s just a regular person. A regular person I’ve been crushing on since we were eight, but still. She’s normal.
“It’s only a few minutes from here. Why don’t we just take my car, and I can drop you off after? I don’t drink, so you can let loose if you want.” She gestures vaguely to her own car, and I’m startled to see hope in her eyes. I stare at her in wonder.
I stare a little too long, and she starts to look hesitant. She opens her mouth, like she’s going to take it back, so I nod quickly. “That- I think that would be nice.”
She smiles, relieved. We clamber into her car, and start the short ride over. Her car smells strongly of some sweet perfume that she always wears. Despite my sensitive nose, I’m not bothered by it in the slightest. She has some pop station in the background, quiet joy pumping out of her speakers.
We chat a little while she drives, and I’m shocked to learn that she remembers our quiet friendship from elementary school. I thought it had been lost to childhood, but she laughs as she recalls the day we got in trouble for pulling all the dandelions out of the school playground, roots and all.
“Mr. Cale was so upset! I don’t think he cared about the lawn, but we dragged dirt all over his classroom before he even realized!” She exclaims, laughing.
“I know. I can’t believe he didn’t notice beforehand, with our hands covered in soil.” I rock gently as she giggles quietly. There’s a soft silence hanging in the air, blanketing me, quieting It down.
She’s the one to break the silence. “I’m sorry I abandoned you. When we got to middle school, it was just so big, y’know?” I look at her. I put my hand on her arm, and the sad look in her eyes goes away a little. “I guess I just got a little lost. And then I forgot. I didn’t mean to, but it wasn’t right. Seeing you in class last semester, it took me so long to realize why you looked so familiar. I-”
She sniffles a little, focusing back on the road. I start to rub her shoulder gently, trying to focus on her. I still can’t help but be overjoyed that she’s apologizing. This isn’t about me.
“Then we had summer break, and I couldn’t figure out how to contact you. No one knew if you had any accounts, if they even remembered you at all. I couldn’t remember where you lived, because it had been so long since I had been to your house. I just had to hope I’d run into you during school. If I hadn’t seen you before we graduated, I don’t know if I could forgive myself.”
She sniffles again, then sits up a little straighter. We stop at a stop sign, only a minute from Tim’s house. She turns to look at me, grabbing my hand. “I want to be friends again. When I saw you at the game today, I couldn’t stop staring at you. I thought, this must be some kind of sign, right? I could barely focus on the game. Hell, I could barely focus on my own boyfriend. I was just so… I don’t know.” My chest throbs with some sick joy that I overrode her boyfriend.
“I miss you, Sarah. Can we be friends again?” She looks so nervous, like there’s any chance I’d ever say no. I tighten my grips on her hands, nodding like crazy.
“I missed you too, Alice. I thought-” I cut myself off, swallowing thickly. “When you stopped hanging out with me, I thought it was my fault, like I did something wrong. I was in a kind of bad spot already, so when you… left. I just. I receded, I guess. I forgive you, though. I’d always forgive you.”
She laughs wetly, dragging me into a hug. We sit there for a while, savouring it.
After a minute, she pulls back. Her hands linger on my back for a fleeting moment. “So,” she starts. “You want to celebrate with a party?”
Tim’s house is huge. Even riding off of the high of Alice, I still feel a small sprout of Ugly in my chest. Tim is the perfect athlete, with the perfect family, tons of friends, and he’s dating my Alice. I hate him I hate him I HATE HIM
I don’t hate him. I don’t even know him. It’s not his fault Alice likes him. So, when we go through his front door, I do my best to focus on the bass thumping through the floors. I follow Alice into the kitchen, and she hands me a can of soda.
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted a drink. I don’t do peer pressure or anything, but if you did want something, there’s plenty in here. Feel free, because I’m going to drive you home. Up to you!” She says. My heart hums at how thoughtful she is. I crack the off brand soda she gave me, turning away from the bottles of beer scattered across the counter. Her smile never changes.
She grabs my hand, dragging me outside. There’s a crowd of girls hanging out by the pool. Most I recognize as friends of Alice, interspersed with some I’ve never seen before. Alice introduces me to them all as a friend she hasn’t seen in a while. I smile the whole time, happy to be here. She never drops my hand, like she’s scared I’m going to disappear again. I squeeze it, and she squeezes back.
After what must have been hours, Alice turns to me. “I’m going to go walk around a little. Catch up with some friends that I promised to chat with. Let me put my number into your phone, in case we can’t find each other later!” I hand my phone to her, watching her face as she puts herself into my contacts. She looks peaceful, happy. I never thought I’d be here, and yet…
When she hands me my phone back, I see she’s put a little heart next to her name. Green, my favourite colour. I wonder if she remembered that, or if it was just a coincidence.
She wanders away, turning around once to give me a little wave. I shake out of my stupor, and turn back to the group she’s left me with. They’re all really nice. Even once Alice has left, they make an effort to include me in the conversation. I was so sure that they’d be at least somewhat mean. They’ve never talked to me before, I thought it’d be hard to keep up. But it’s nothing like that.
I find myself laughing along to some joke, when I realize I need to use the restroom. I excuse myself, promising to be back soon. Janice, the person I’d started sidebarring with, waves me off. “See you in a bit!” She calls after me as I leave.
Still riding the high, I wander around, a little lost. The house pulses with people, dancing and having fun. More than once, I get bumped into, or pushed into a wall on accident. The person always apologized, but they were quick to go back to partying. One person almost vomits on me, barely missing my shoes.
Finally, though, I find a bathroom. The bathroom is quiet for a moment after I turn off the faucet. All that creeps under the door is the bass in the distance. Only for a moment.
“I don’t think we should do this here.” She says. My hand stills on the faucet.
Alice.
“It’s my house. Relax, love.” Tim murmurs. Something thuds softly against the bathroom door. Alice giggles again, much closer than before. I don’t breathe.
A wet sound. I realize, perhaps a little too slowly, that they’re making out, right against the door. It stirs in my chest, curious.
I stare at myself in the mirror as I’m forced to listen. I hear Tim whisper something, and my chest turns sharp. It aches the more I’m forced to listen to them. Another kiss. I wipe the blood off of my nose before it can fall and stain the sink.
“Tim, we shouldn’t…” Alice mutters.
“There’s someone in my room, and no one comes back here.” Tim mutters back. There’s another wet sound, and Alice moans slightly. The bass in the walls mirrors my heartbeat as it quickens. My ribs ache as the first press of a thorn making itself known.
“C’mon, I know you wanna. You always love it after my big wins.” He says.
She makes a sound I’ve never heard before. The thorns slice out of my ribs for the first time. I do nothing to stop it. I just listen.
They shift against the door. I could open it, before it goes too far. I slide down onto the floor, and wait. I hate him. I HATE HIM.
“Ok.” Alice breathes. “Yeah.” Something in me snaps. Then explodes open. All my jealousy, my anger, my contempt. It bursts from my chest, vines slashing around. Warm blood soaks the waistband of my jeans, as it flows out of me.
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I slip down the door, feeling the vines wrap around me. They slither up the outside of my body, choking my neck. I hate him. I hate him.
“I don’t hate him,” I mumble. The vines do not believe me. They shouldn’t.
They curl around my windpipe. I spit up some blood. “I-” I hear him moan through the door.
“I shouldn’t hate him.” I murmur. The vines shake like laughter, thorns digging into me. They wiggle inside my mouth, stopping my breath. I close my eyes. And I listen.