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John is in love with Sherlock
John is in love
That's a pretty weird thing to think
He hasn't been in love for centuries, not since he first entered the military
not since he figured that the only way he'll die will be from a bullet in a desert
but he's now survived the desert. He's survived the flying bullets and helped numerous men survive and heal and go home
and now, he is home
and he's in love
and he's not ready to be in love
so, he'll deal with these feelings another life. It's not like Sherlock is in a hurry to find a partner for himself
So, John will wolf down this pasta that's heaps better than the stuff given to him in the military, and will try to get some answers to questions Sherlock left vague last time
"So, got a partner?" He asks, and Sherlock gives him this look, like he's trying to discern what John means by partner
"Y'know, like a girlfriend or a boyfriend, maybe?"
"While I'm flattered," Sherlock starts and dammit, he's gonna give him another vague answer that doesn't actually answer John's question "I consider myself married to my work"
Dammit Sherlock. It's not that hard to just tell him whether he's gay or ace! (or straight. yeah, better keep that option on the table before he gets his hopes up too high)
He sighs and tries to decide whether he should nudge Sherlock towards the cabbie, or whether it'd be better if he let it play out like last time
Maybe he should let it play out like the last time. With the exception of getting to Sherlock faster, he's not risking the genius dying so soon
—--------------------------
And while John did tell himself that he'll deal with the whole "falling in love" situation, that won't stop him from letting his love bleed into everything he does
He doesn't tell people that he's Not Gay every time they ask him whether he and Sherlock are together. It didn't serve him anything last time except to encourage Greg and Sally and quite literally every person they come across to make fun of him, and boy did they love making fun of his sexuality crisis
but now, he just says a quick "Oh no, we're not in a relationship"
sometimes it's a "Yes, Mrs. Hudson, we still need two bedrooms"
Lately, it became "That's pretty homophobic of you Greg" just because it was pretty funny to watch the man panic and choke on his beer
And he did notice that Sherlock stares at him a second too long whenever he denies the accusations. Maybe he's still convinced that John is pursuing a relationship with him (Which, yes, he very much does want to but not in this life. He will deal with these emotions when he’s ready to get rejected)
And sometimes John will stay awake at night, worried that he may have come off as homophobic in his last life, that maybe Sherlock is gay but was afraid to tell John because of his reaction whenever anyone hints that he's gay himself and fuck he was acting like such an idiot last time.
Maybe Sherlock will feel safer this time around.
John hopes he does.
Of course, John is the one taking care of the house, their bills and goes grocery shopping whenever they're low on tea and milk, but this time he doesn't nag Sherlock about it.
Well, he doesn't nag him as much.
He still nags, but this time he came knowing that Sherlock Does Not Do Chores, so his nagging is more exasperation and passive aggressiveness than anything
Things like sticking a whiteboard marker on the fridge and telling him, "If you're not going to buy more milk, you could at least add it to the list of things we need to buy"
and "If I'm doing your laundry then you could take my shirts and coats with you to the dry cleaner"
and "You know there are these things called beakers and flasks, right? and that there's more of these than actual dishes in this house? So why, pray tell, are you using my bloody mugs, Sherlock?"
and of course, after big cases, he'll coerce the genius to help him make their apartment semi-presentable, with the promise to turn a blind eye if one of Greg's files somehow goes missing
But his favorite moment will always be when he opened the fridge on the first week, knowing full well that Sherlock is watching him like a hawk, and he simply sighed and looked at him, summoning his most tired look
"Until we get another fridge, could you move your body parts to the lower shelves so our food doesn't get contaminated?" and boy did he love the look of utter surprise on Sherlock's face.
He got up immediately to do what John asked of him and oh, surprise makes Sherlock move automatically! That surely is good to know!
"Have experience with body parts in the fridge?" Sherlock asked him and Hah! He is so surprised it could be heard in his voice! This is going to be fun
"You can't imagine the amount of idiots who got food poisoning in uni" he simply replied, as if he's not spitting pure lies that could be easily disproved if Sherlock went to ask Mike
But Sherlock won't do that.
If he saw in John that he's lying, then he decided to keep quiet for some reason, but if he thought John was telling the truth, well…
It'd be better overall if John doesn't lie to Sherlock. He can't imagine what would happen if he broke Sherlock's trust like that
John also cooks
And he cooks well, too. He often puts plates of food in front of Sherlock, and Sherlock would usually eat at least half the plate. Even during cases, John has figured out that Sherlock is likely to eat food if he's too far in his brain, but is not yet too deep in the mind palace. Just enough that when John silently puts down a plate full of finger foods near him, he won't even notice that he's eating until he's close to finishing it, at which point he'd give John a dirty look
"I just offered and you took the plate," John would always answer innocently, as if he doesn't know that if he’d actually asked Sherlock if he wanted to eat he'd probably get insulted for not remembering that he doesn't eat when he works on cases
It's funny, it's just like trying to feed Harry all over again
(Their mother would usually withdraw into her shell when he was around the age of 5. The three meals a day would slowly dwindle to one, then become every other day.) Harry had never picked up a knife by that point. John knows how to cook, as he became interested in uni after seeing how expensive it is to keep ordering food.
When John started cooking, when they stopped nagging their mother about their hunger, she stopped cooking altogether. John always made sure there was something for his mother to eat.
Her food always stayed untouched, not even a taste was ever taken.
Harry never really liked this, how her little brother was the one taking care of her and not the other way around, but John tricks her into eating his food by telling her he just wants her to try the recipe, and it only takes a couple of months before Harry stops asking him why he keeps cooking. Just accepting the excuses he gave her
But that didn't stop her from hating the whole situation, or him for that matter, and he couldn't blame her. Being constantly compared to your younger brother couldn't have been a fun experience.
She'd call him a twat, just as most kids would do. Just repeating a word she heard without knowing its meaning and ridiculing anything John gave her to eat, saying stuff like mum's better, then it looks like shit. John doesn't mind
Then they'd grow older, her hatered would simmer down but she woudn't know how to act around him. He’s still a freak, a bastard, and every other insult under the sun, but her insults lost their heat a long time ago, and she'd grow quiet at the dinner table, feeling awkward and not wanting to be ungrateful, eating the food John cooked for her. John doesn't mind
Then they'd grow older, her insecurities would grow, and her hatred to everything around her would grow tenfold. She'd call John a fag, when both of them know who's in the closet and keeping the door closed like her life depended on it. John doesn't mind
He'd cook her the food, and the bullying at school would become lighter
He'd quietly prepare her favorite dishes on her birthday, and magically he'd find money under his pillow when his birthday comes around.
He never mentions these things, and she never mentions them either.
John remembers the date Harry outs herself to their family by heart. He chips in with what little money he has to make her pancakes with lots of syrup and berries for breakfast, knowing it'd be the last time they eat breakfast together)
During cases, John focuses on feeding Sherlock, whipping up things easily eaten with a fork or can be eaten without utensils.
Outside of cases, though, John cooks for Sherlock, flaunting decades of experience and experimenting in the kitchen, meeting up with every foreign student and immigrant he comes across, soaking up recipes and learning tricks from anyone willing to spare him a minute. At first it was to make sure Harry is well-fed, then it was to help him and his men survive another day in the desert before going mad
Now, it was to try and impress one mad hatter.
He'd wake up at six every day, so Sherlock would have breakfast ready for him at seven. People rarely come asking for Sherlock’s help before nine o'clock, but John knows that Sherlock rarely sleeps a full night, so an early breakfast it is
He leaves him be for lunch, knowing that Sherlock prefers a simple cuppa (but if john has oh so innocently made a pastry, a cake or any type of dessert that Sherlock particularly likes, well, it's not like john could magically know Sherlock's favourite desserts and is making them specifically so Sherlock will actually eat something for lunch)
As for dinner, John treats that meal as an all out war, with the sole goal of making sure Sherlock would never want to miss it out.
He starts this war from the first week, by ordering Sherlock to help him put the groceries away. No matter how much Sherlock sulks and pouts, that is one thing John will never let slide. not on the first week. The first move is always the most powerful
Then John would make sure he never cooks anything twice. He knows that this isn't a permanent solution, but his goal is to establish this as a habit to Sherlock, first. And this strategy will last John quite some time. He does know countless recipes from numerous cuisines, and these recipes are not going to get used up anytime soon.
Now, those first two weeks are always the hardest. John has to plan meals that are from very different parts of the world, he has to make sure Sherlock sees the ingredients put away, and he has to coax Sherlock into eating the food
"India," Sherlock would suddenly appear in the kitchen's doorway, starling John and almost making him cut his thumb off
"Yes," John would reply "I'm making-"
"Curry using very specific spices that could be found in Lamb Rogan curry. Yesterday you made Molokhia and last week you made Vatapa, all are dishes that could be traced back to different cultures and all tasting just how they would if made by locals-"
"i'll take that as a compliment-"
"-obviously you've never been to any of these countries and you have no affiliation to them, and yet your culinary skills in cuisines you should know nothing of is good enough to challenge a local?"
"Hey, another compliment!"
Sherlock just kept staring at him, and oh now john hears the question in that statement
"I befriended a lot of exchange students during college. Some of them taught me how to cook their favorite dishes"
Sherlock would still look suspicious, and that's exactly what John wants from him. He wants Sherlock to be interested in his cooking, he wants him to see it as something to keep in mind, instead of dismissing it as beneath him
(Later on that day, Sherlock would stare at John as he tries to watch a Bond movie. He'd stare for so long that John worries that maybe something is wrong. That John did something to make his friend uncomfortable, that maybe Sherlock wants to ask John to move out. They've barely known each other for a few weeks, maybe Sherlock is having second thoughts?!
"You are aware that I…Appreciate your contributions. To the cases. And Baker street. You offer many Useful contributions to both"
John would look at him quizzically, unsure what could've sprung this up
"...Yeah, I know. Not all people communicate their appreciation verbally, but I'm glad you like my company" John replies, and Sherlock seems content with this answer. He did continue to have a thoughtful look, but John ignored it, relieved that it has nothing to do with Sherlock rejecting him, which sounds stupid, he knows but what is he supposed to do in this life without Sherlock?!
At a crime scene, though, John will remember this day as he watches Sherlock trying to compliment him, and failing so, so miserably. It is a very awkward moment for everyone involved, and Sally's loud, fake gags could surely be heard from Mycroft's office, but the awkward compliments don't cease. Instead, they increase in frequency as Sherlock, apparently, tries to verbally assure John of his appreciation.
That was a pretty interesting life for John, and he finds himself reminiscing on these moments on later lifes, quietly chuckling to himself at Sherlock's attempts, and falling deeper in love at the memories of Sherlock trying to make John feel wanted)
And sooner or later, a little game of guess the dish would be made, were Sherlock will want to put away the groceries so he can deduce what John could possibly have in mind. He'd want to stick around in the living room, trying to deduce the meal from the smells coming from the kitchen (and John deliberately chooses foods that produce the strongest aromas for this) and sticks around long enough until John brings out his plate
By then Sherlock will be so interested in the dish he'd just eat the plate, and rarely oh so so rarely he'd take seconds.
At this point, Sherlock is hooked, and it's a matter of how can John keep him interested. So, armed with the knowledge of Sherlock's likes and dislikes, John takes notice of what Sherlock does all day, how much he eats throughout the day and cooks meals accordingly. Sometimes he'll follow a certain theme for the day, sometimes he'll mix it up to keep things interesting, and sometimes dinner will be a simple sandwich with cold cuts.
Is John making a big deal out of this? Maybe, but hey. At least Sherlock eats a minimum of one meal a day
(John thinks that he's being slick, that Sherlock never realises until it's too late, but Sherlock observes. He knew that something was up from the moment John all but demanded Sherlock's help putting away the groceries, and once John started making dinners? Sherlock saw the game for what it was, a ruse to try to get him to eat.
What kept Sherlock interested is the why. Why is John going so far as to make this little game? John doesn't ask for Sherlock's guess before bringing him his plate, but gives it to him. John never knows of Sherlock's deduction unless Sherlock says them upfront, so what's the point? It can't be just so Sherlock would eat!
A week, two, a month would go by, and Sherlock would stop caring about the game. He'd still participate, as it is intriguing, and he'd start telling his deductions to John whenever he comes out of the kitchen, but even Sherlock can't lie to himself and say that that's the only reason he eats John's cooking
John's small, content smile whenever Sherlock tries the dish of the day may be one of the reasons)
And, sure, John did say that he'd deal with his love with Sherlock in the next life, and then he went on talking as if he’s lived multiple lives without confessing his undying love to his amazing hatter, but John has a very good reason for this.
He doesn't want his love to be short.
He doesn't want to confess to Sherlock only to die a week later
He dies way too much, and that's no environment to grow anything
Does he progress in life? Yeah, but unlike any other period in his life, his progress is so small. If he died on a Friday and survived this time around, his next death might be on the following Sunday!
He's died on the same day multiple times for goodness sake! His death rate with Sherlock is close to rivaling his death rate in Afghanistan!
So, no, John didn't confess to Sherlock, and he won't be. Not until he's sure they could even survive long enough for the relationship to be worth it.
He'll always be Sherlock's friend and partner, but until John is sure that they could at least survive a year, John won't pursue anything more than that.
And so John keeps dying (he’s never watched Sherlock die, and he's so grateful for that. He never wishes for Sherlock to die so young, to feel the excruciating pain of getting his soul ripped from his body so soon. John has felt this pain thousands of times, he knows what to expect, and he'll try his damn hardest to keep Sherlock from feeling it as long as he's alive)
And so John keeps coming back. He knows this could be less than a healthy dynamic, but he loves Sherlock. As a friend, partner, and hopefully, one day, more. He'll continue coming back, because without him Sherlock might die too soon, and a world without Sherlock is not a world worth living in.
And so John keeps trying to survive one more day, until he reaches eight months of living together, and John is elated. This is so much progress! And his frequency of death is decreasing! Maybe it'd take him two, three lives for him to reach the one year mark, heck it might even be this life! He hasn't died at all in the last month! Maybe he's gotten the hang of staying alive with Sherlock, just like he's gotten the hang of war.
And then Moriarty happens
And then Sherlock and John fight. It is a real fight, and John starts to question how he views Sherlock, whether he loves the man, or just the idea of him
And then John gets kidnapped by Moriarty (Bloody James the IT guy, he knew something was wrong with him), and then he hears Sherlock marching in with the flash drive that very much shouldn't be given to this psychopath
And then he sees Sherlock trying to haggle for John's life
And then John tries to throw his life for Sherlock's again, but Sherlock refuses to leave John alone, refuses to run for his life
And suddenly Moriarty leaves, and Sherlock is racing towards John, trying to get the bombs away from John with shaking hand, throwing the damned thing as far away from John as possible
And then Moriarty is back
And Sherlock shoots the bomb
And John feels a familiar sharp pain in his chest
And he wakes up with the familiar screams of an infant
And suddenly he's hit with shame, which only fuels him to screech louder, because how could he? How could he question his friend like that? He's known him for half a decade for fuck's sake! How could he let someone's mind games make him question Sherlock?!
And he is the reason they died. He went ahead and got himself kidnapped, and now they died. Sherlock died because of him
John will be better this time. He won't play Moriarty's games and his faith in his friend won't waver
They're going to survive Moriarty
But then John got kidnapped again
And they died again, Sherlock shooting the bomb and ending them instantly
And then John gets kidnapped, and then they die
And then John decides fuck it, he could just shoot Moriarty
But the second he corners Moriarty, the second he lifts his gun, a bullet is lodged into his brain, his soul is ripped out of his body, and he's pushed out of his mother's womb
John is starting to become pretty tired of this, and this tiredness is starting to seep into his life
His school bullies don't get to meet little scrawny John, no, they soon get acquainted with a veteran from war, and they regret it more than they have a right to
He's more condescending in war, ordering men around and acting like a total asshole and like he's in a higher rank than he is, but no one dies on his watch, so he doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks
He's a lot more brutal with the criminals they catch, a lot more snappy with Harry and Sally and Mycroft and his anger issues are on an all-time high
But he doesn’t lash out at Sherlock. He tries to rein it in, to use every trick in the book to not lash out on Sherlock, because they live together, and if he allows himself to unjustly lash out on him once he knows, he knows it's gonna become a pattern, and he doesn't want it to become a pattern
And then one day they're far too near the eight month mark for John's comfort, and John has yet to find the sniper who shot him last time (Sebastian Moran, also a veteran, Moriarty's shadow) and he can't go after Moriarty if he won't even be able to shoot the asshole and today's case was just bloody awful and everything is just too much
And John closed the door behind them, and he noticed how Sherlock’s looking at him with so much worry, and John feels like he’s boiling and choking and dying and like he’s about to snap
So John just steps closer, and he hugs him. Because the other two options are to snap at him or to leave for god knows how long and John very much Does Not want to be anywhere but home
But Sherlock isn't hugging him back, and John knows this probably isn't appropriate of him but he feels like he's drowning and just
“please,” he whispered, "Please, let me have this for a few more seconds." and he's glad his face is hidden in Sherlock's shoulder (damn him for being so tall and his father for making him short) because he doesn't want Sherlock seeing him like this
But then Sherlock hugs him back, wraps his long, lanky arms around him, and hugs him tight
"Take as much as you want," he whispers, and John doesn't know how long they stayed at the door, didn't even shed their coats or take off their muddy shoes, but John doesn't care. He just hugs his best friend and breaths, until the fire in his chest calms down, until the world becomes a little bit more tolerable
(Sherlock has been worried for his friend for a while now. He's been observing him, as one does, and he's noticed him being stretched more and more thin for the last month. He was acting very secretive, not allowing Sherlock to use his computer and actually using some good passwords (sherlock has been trying to crack the last one for the past week) and...Sherlock wasn't particularly helping him.
He was worried that John has finally realised how much of a handful he is, has finally decided to listen to Mycroft and Sally and literally everyone else and decided to look for another place to stay and leave him alone, and Sherlock's reaction to that was.. a bit not good.
He was acting more snappy around John, doing more experiments that would purposely leave a mess, leaving John alone more at crime scenes
After all, if John was leaving Sherlock better get used to working alone again
But then George had to corner him forcefully today, he had to tell him that how he's acting around John wasn't ok. That he was going to drive him away, and Sherlock had to yell into his tiny little mind that leaving John right now wasn't ok
Today was an abuse case
John is never ok after abuse cases, and Sherlock wasn't supposed to leave him alone
They returned quickly to John, and he was Not Ok and, dammit Geoff, couldn't he have done this little talk any other time?!
He solved the case quickly, with minimal insults and no bravado, and herded John into the cab quickly
But John still looked too strained, too stressed, too close to ending it all, and that thought gripped at Sherlock's heart and squeezed
He suppressed his hands from shaking, and barely got his breathing under control as he looked outside the window without really seeing anything on the other side
And when they entered their home (will it be theirs for long?) Sherlock looked at John who looked so close from letting it all out, and John noticed him look, and he walked towards him so fast and Sherlock's heart beat so rapidly and that's it you're gonna lose your only friend because of you you drove him away everyone was right you’re just a frea-
And John hugged him, and he asked him (he sounds so tired why’s he so tired what are you hiding please let me help) if he could just have this for a few seconds
No, something whispered in Sherlock's ears, and he quickly lowered his arms to wrap them around his friend and just held them. He wouldn't mind it if they stayed like this forever
He closed his eyes and breathed, remembering everything he knew about John and letting his anxieties be whisked away. John won't leave.
Soon, John let go, and so did Sherlock. He looked more relaxed, and he smiled gratefully at Sherlock, a small, tired smile. And Sherlock smiled back, a tiny, nervous one
And John didn't seem as stressed for a while. He still doesn’t let Sherlock use his computer (and Sherlock is this close to giving up trying to guess the password and just hacking his way in), but he seemed more relaxed, and he smiled at Sherlock more often
And then Moriarty appeared, and John went back to being too strained, like he's a coil that's stretched beyond it's resistance point, and he didn't leave Sherlock's side at all, almost like he's afraid of being alone
And Sherlock didn't like that, Not One Bit. He's barely gotten back His John and he does not like John becoming like this for whatever reason
The games were interesting, but it wasn’t worth John
So, Sherlock tried to finish it quickly, he played by the rules and tried to get a crack on anything that could identify who Moriarty is (he hung up on the old lady when she tried to describe Moriarty, though. Moriarty didn't like that, and he decreased the time in the next game, but John started shaking. That was Not Good)
And then John disappeared. He just left, vanished without a trace but Mycroft kept calling him paranoid because he was at Baker Street an hour ago and he probably went grocery shopping while you were in you mind castle, Sherlock but that doesn't make sense! John hasn't left the house alone since Moriarty.
But Mycroft's the one with cameras, and he'd tell Sherlock if anything happens to his John
For now, he has a meeting with one annoying mind)
John opens his eyes to a familiar throbbing pain at the back of his head, the nauseating chlorine smell in the air, the harsh fluorescent light hitting his poor eyes, and a pair of black, manic eyes staring down at him.
John grimaces irritatingly at Jim (he doesn't deserve to be referred to by his last name), knowing that anything and everything he does will not help him at all. (All the nightmares, the ringing in his ears that comes and goes without a reason, the glimpses of past lives, of injuries no longer marring his skin, of fear and regret and pain reflecting in eccentric blue eyes are enough evidence for how long he's been stuck here, repeating the same scene like a character in a video game, destined for its life to always end here)
So he just looked irritatedly at Jim and grumbled under his breath
"Couldn't you have at least used chloroform? This fucking hurts you fucking bastard" He leans his head onto his knees and closes his eyes, hoping that shutting the lights out will help his growing headache (It won’t, but it’s a nice thing to hope)
“Oh? Interesting” Jim started moving, and John stared at him as he started getting closer to John
“I take it this is not your first kidnapping, then?”
“No,” Jim was taken aback by the bitterness dripping from his voice and the vicious snarl that took over his face, and that made him all the more interested in this man who had taken over a certain detective's mind, making it even that his carefully planned riddles cannot capture his attention for long. Sherlock should be focusing on him, entertained by this game he carefully woven just for his mind, and yet he treats it like just any boring case. To be solved quickly so he can move on to other better ones, all because of the man sitting in front of him, who didn't even try getting up yet despite not being bound by anything.
John was too tired of the whole getting kidnapped schtick. He was tired with Moriarty's, Jim's everything and he thought you know what?! What if he didn't try in this life. If he didn't give Jim the reaction he wanted and instead kept snapping at him. At least like this Sherlock won't die if he pissed Jim off enough.
“I was in the army before, you know that” Jim perked up at that
“People kidnapped in war don't usually come out alive”
“Well, I bloody did” took him a total of 12 lives to survive that, and an additional 29 lives to avoid the whole kidnapping thing without abandoning his boys
“There were no reports of you or anyone in your unit getting kidnapped”
John blinked
“And you really think they'd report everything that goes on during a war?” this was…the first time anyone has questioned the validity of his stories, and if Jim's anything like Sherlock he would've noticed that John was obviously lying
And of course Jim noticed, if watching him walk slowly towards John like the condescending twat he is was any fucking indication, but John refused to move. He kept staring him in the eye. The worst Jim could do is shoot him anyways.
“You are a bad liar, you know that?” He crouched in front of him “How often do you lie”
“That’s none of your fucking business” and yep, John is definitely dying in a changing room this life. Fantastic
“Is this why Sherlock is interested in you? Because you keep lying?
Maybe you’re just a puzzle for him, that’s why he keeps you close. you haven’t ruined him, he just has a more fun puzzle to solve! Maybe if i-”
“Jim.” the smile was wiped out of his face, as he stared into eyes that bore into his skull, eyes that pierced into him, as if it can see all that he hides
How did he know his name?
“Isn’t it time for the show to begin?”
The sound of doors opening could be heard, and a voice shouted into the empty pool
“Moriarty!”
-------------------------------------
John walked out, again. He can’t provoke Jim now, Sherlock is in the building, and John would like to not see his best friend die again thank you very much
They do their lil dance, John tries to signal to Sherlock to leave which Sherlock never picks up on despite trying to teach him time and time again simple Morse code. Moriarty comes and provokes Sherlock, provokes John. He provokes John a lot this time around, his words dripping with possessiveness, with secrets, tries to turn Sherlock on John
But Sherlock doesn’t sway. That surprises John (and fills him with thick, agonizing guilt, but he can’t tell Sherlock the truth. Sherlock won’t believe him)
John tries to choke him, tries urging Sherlock to run but he doesn’t move why does he never leave? John talks back to Jim, Sherlock talks back to Jim, Jim has never looked happier. Sherlock points the gun at the bombs, and John curses because god fucking dammit he is so tired of dying-
a phone rings
Jim’s phone rings
Jim excuses himself, says he needs to go, and leaves.
They’re alive
They’re alive
Was this all it took? to stall Jim for a few, more precious seconds? was that all they needed, a single ring for their lives to go on?
John feels the tear pricking his eyes, feels the laughter bubbling in his chest and he doesn’t care. He pulls his hair at the roots and laughs that sounds more like sobs escapes him and he looks at Sherlock, beautiful wonderful Sherlock and sees the red dots disappearing and there’s no blood no holes no wounds just healthy, smooth skin and-
Sherlock collapses on him and he freezes. It takes him all his strength to not fall over, but his mind is running a mile a minute because Sherlock just collapsed on him Is he ok did he get hurt did he-
He feels hands squeezing him, and relief rushes over him so fast that he almost collapses, but he stays standing, in his best friend’s arms, and it takes his brain a full minute to process that maybe he should hug him back
And he does. He wraps his arms around Sherlock and holds him so tightly and feels how his chest moves with every breath he takes and he has to bury his face in his shoulder because oh god he’s alive and breathing and warm
“you’re ok”
John almost didn’t hear that, the voice so quiet and soft that on any other day, he would’ve mistaken it for the wind. He hears Sherlock whisper so weakly, his voice almost shaking and he hates it
It only makes John hold him tighter, pull him closer, and whisper back
“We’re ok, alive. He didn’t hurt us, we’re ok now”
They both will ignore how wet his words sound, how desperately they were said. They both will hold each other, neither of them knowing for how long, until their feet start to get numb, their knees start to hurt, only when it starts getting unbearable will they reluctantly let each other go and sit down.
They stay like there for what feels like hours, and John doesn’t know why. He doesn’t care, he’s too tired to even think so he just keeps looking at Sherlock, waiting to see what he’ll do now. He see Sherlock making calls and looking at the door impatiently, but he didn’t really focus on what’s going on. He just keeps looking at Sherlock, every few minutes he touches him, feeling how warm he is, taking his wrist to check his heart rate, and laughing carefree when Sherlock jumps at the sudden touches (He notices how Sherlock feels warmer when John leans too close to him, when he touches his neck or cheeks. He notices that Sherlock’s heart is beating way too fast, but John’s tired. He’s too tired to think why this happens, to even notice that this isn’t supposed to happen, so he just stays content with the feeling of blood rushing through his vein, and the warmth that seeps through his fingers everytime he touches Sherlock’s skin)
Finally, people enter the building and John all but jumps in front of Sherlock, shielding him (Or shielding whatever he can reach of him) from him. Until Sherlock gently pushes him to his side, tells him that these are Mycroft’s men, then John lets out a huff and just stands beside Sherlock, letting the medics check them over (because god knows John cannot do it correctly right now) until Sherlock gets fed up by all the questions and the prodding and how docile John is acting that he physically pushes through them until they’re out the building and he pushes John into the first taxi he sees
John lets himself lean on Sherlock, relishing in how alive he is. He expects Sherlock to protest, to push him away, But Sherlock doesn’t. So John doesn’t move, and instead he closes his eyes until they reach home
They walk up the stairs, John opens the door for them. They take off their coats, they enter into the living room and that’s where John stops. He knows his room is upstairs, and that’s where he’s supposed to go, but Sherlock’s room is downstairs, and that’s where he wants to be
He turns around, and sees Sherlock looking at him with such a vulnerable look, John wants to hug him again
…Fuck it. A lot has happened today. He will hug his best friend if he wants to and deal with whatever awkwardness that spawns tomorrow
So he moves closer to him, and he sees Sherlock’s hand moving up-
-and rest on his cheek. John almost stills, but Sherlock’s other hand is pressed against his back and pulling him closer and Sherlock’s face is getting closer
Lips touch his, chapped and thin and amazing and electric and John feels like he’s relearning how to breathe
It’s a kiss. A small, brief, chaste kiss. It’s all John has ever wanted
Sherlock slowly pulls back and locks his eyes with John, looking at him with as much disbelief as John feels
That night, John doesn’t go to his room. Sherlock doesn’t go to his either. They both decide to stay on the couch. Neither of them sleep that night, yet neither of them seem to care
Something whispers in the back of John’s mind that this won’t last long. John doesn’t care, he has all eternity to learn how to make it last.
He doesn’t know that Sherlock’s mind whispers that same thing. He doesn’t know that as Sherlock sees John looking so relaxed in his arm, smiling so warmly at him, that he vows to learn how to make it last
Later that day, Mrs. Hudson will find both her boys asleep on the couch, holding each other close and looking so peaceful that she doesn’t dare take a step further, fearing that they would wake up
She goes downstairs and stops both Lestrade, Mycroft, and an Irish young man from going up and disturbing them
Both her boys are rested, calm, and hopefully
Happy