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Tyler loves this movie, he literally picked it out to show Josh for the first time. The Final Destination series is one of his favorites, but the entire time he has been zoned out. His eyes glossy and casted over, unfocused, staring blankly in the direction of the screen. The colors hypnotizing his brain into just softly sinking further into his head.
Josh is reacting normally, laughing, gasping, shoulders shaking, completely pulled into whatever dumb scene is playing out. It’s making Tyler feel bad because he’s really trying to focus on it, but the ache in his stomach keeps pulling him away.
It started as a dull pressure, easy to ignore. Something he could shift around, breathe through, pretend wasn’t there. But now it’s deeper and tighter, coming in waves and coupling with sharp nerve twitches.
Each cramp curls inward like something twisting in his abdomen and Tyler presses his lips together trying to keep from reacting. Slightly shifting on the couch every now and then to accommodate and try to ease the pain, hoping Josh won’t notice. It’s not helping though, if anything it’s only getting worse.
“Dude! Did you see that?” Josh nudges him with his elbow, grinning. “That was so bad, holy shit!”
“Yeah,” Tyler says automatically. He didn’t see it, didn’t even hear the sound effects. He tries his best to latch onto Josh’s laugh and ground himself in it. But an even sharper pain twangs throughout his lower half and he curls in on himself even more.
Tyler inhales quickly through his nose, too quiet for most people to notice, except Josh of course. “Are you okay?” he asks, glancing over, concern casting over his face.
“Yeah,” Tyler says too fast.
Josh studies him for half a second, debating on whether to push, but then just nods. “Okay.” The movie keeps going, Josh keeps reacting, and Tyler is trying to count the seconds to ease his pain now.
He shut his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, trying to focus on his breathing. He knew what this was, but he really didn’t want to believe it.
Ever since he started on T, his periods have shown up less frequently, but when they do come it’s so bad. The cramping and the throbbing and the heat waves and the nausea is so terrible. Not only that but his emotions go haywire with the dysphoria.
Just as he thought the pain was finally settling he felt a warm rush in between his legs. Familiar in the worst way.
His stomach drops, dread settling in as his chest begins to feel tight. He tries to shift carefully, attempting to confirm what he already knows is true without making it obvious, trying to convince himself he’s wrong.
But he’s not.
He takes just a moment longer to stare at the TV for a few seconds, like if he just stays, it won’t become real. However, it’d be more embarrassing to bleed through on their couch than to just own it and go to the bathroom. “Hey,” Tyler’s voice wavers. “Can you pause it real quick?”
Josh grabs the remote immediately, no hesitation. The screen freezes mid-scene. “You okay?” he asks in a soft voice that simultaneously makes Tyler want to melt and be pissed with the pity.
Tyler nods his head fast and blinks super hard, just a small tic, then pushes himself to his feet. “Yeah. I just—I’ll be back.”
He rushed out, hoping to god Josh isn’t looking at a red brown spot where he was sitting. The walk down the hallway is way too long for his liking, and if he runs it’ll make both his cramps even worse and Josh might freak out. Instead, he grasps his stomach and slinks all the way to the bathroom.
When he flicked on the lights he had to cover his eyes because it’s way too bright compared to what he had been sitting in for the last hour.
He shut the door softly, making sure to be as quiet as possible, and locked it, resting his back against it only briefly before doubling over his stomach. He exhaled shakily, trying to get a grip, and allowed his mind to move on autopilot.
By the next time he blinked he was sitting on the toilet, free bleeding with his elbows on his knees and his head ripped forward into his palms. He breathed deeply, trying not to focus on the sharp pings of angry nerves and the soreness decorating his entire vulva.
“I hate this so much,” he mutters into the void, voice echoing softly off of the ruler floor. He patted his forehead with the palm of his hand 5 times in quick succession. The cramps throb low and heavy, a constant, unwelcome presence, and his body feels too loud, too noticeable, like he can’t escape it.
Whenever he does this, his sense of time just kinda slips past. He usually zones out until his legs start to fall asleep and ache. It could be a minute, could be 25, but eventually, the stillness starts to feel suffocating.
Tyler tries to clean himself up, purposefully avoiding looking at the blood stained toilet paper. He has to fold himself sideways to reach into the cabinet under the sink and grab a pad. The crinkling of the wrapper being far too loud and obvious for his liking. The public men’s restroom always starts to scare him during these times cause of this.
Eventually he wills himself to stand, shakily, and a little lightheaded. The blood rushing back to his legs makes him feel a little unsteady, and his stomach is still tight, so he braces a hand on the counter and accidentally meets his reflection.
Same face. Same stupid, normal expression. Nothing looks different. And that’s what makes it worse. Because underneath it, his body is doing something that feels so completely disconnected from who he is that it almost makes him feel split in half.
His gaze drifts downward, just slightly, like he can see through himself. Tyler’s grip on the sink tightens as his head starts to feel foggy with dysphoria.
He’s not enough of a boy. Not enough for Josh.
He starts to softly hyperventilate, spiraling downward. What if this is the kind of thing that sticks in Josh’s head? What if he doesn’t mean to, but he looks at Tyler and remembers that he’s not—
Tyler squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head slightly. But the thought’s already burrowed deep in his brain. He starts to stare off into space, trailing his fingers over his body.
“I hate this,” he says again, louder this time, voice cracking. “I hate this so much.” He stops himself when there’s a soft knock on the door.
“Ty?”
“I’m fine,” he calls back quickly. Josh has the side of his head propped up against the door, trying to listen in and make sure his boyfriend isn’t doing anything harmful. It’s silent though, other than the soft rhythmic hums of Tyler’s breathing.
“…You sure?” Josh asks.
“Yeah,” Tyler accidentally uses a sharp tone. He runs his hands over his face making sure to watch his tone, he’s not meaning to take this out on Josh. “Just give me a minute.”
Josh allowed there to be a brief pause but refused to leave. Tyler can feel him waiting on the other side of the door, patient and concerned like always. It makes something in his chest twist.
Another very gentle knock rapped. “Hey, Ty,” Josh says. “I’m not gonna force it, but you don’t.. really sound fine.”
Tyler swallows hard. “I’m okay, Josh,” he says again, weaker this time.
Josh bit his lip, his heart was aching at just the sound of Tyler’s voice. “…Please open the door?”
Thinking about it for a moment, Tyler’s eyes flick back to the mirror and god he really doesn’t want to be seen like this. Not even by Josh, he just feels so wrong and disconnected. But he also knows Josh won’t leave him alone, which he loves him for… he also doesn’t actually want to be alone in it anymore, despite what his brain is telling him.
Josh hears a faint click on the door handle and hesitantly pushes it open, only a little scared of what he was going to all in on. All he sees though is Tyler staring at himself in the mirror with the saddest puppy eyes he’s ever seen before. Glassy with unshed tears.
“Ty, baby?” Josh says softly. Tyler doesn’t answer. He just stands there, staring at himself like he’s trying to figure out how to exist in his own body again.
Josh steps behind him carefully, snaking his arms around Tyler’s waist and lightly pulling him into his chest. He placed a delicate kiss on Tyler’s shoulder before resting his chin there. He knew some grounding was needed, so he was already rubbing his thumbs in circles along his boyfriend’s stomach. “What’s going on?” he asks.
Tyler lets out a shaky breath. “…It’s stupid.”
“It’s not,” Josh says immediately.
Tyler shakes his head, tilting it away from Josh’s and biting down on his lower lip. “It is.”
Josh doesn’t argue. Just tips his head back over towards Tyler’s, kissing 3 times along his jaw line. “Do you wanna tell me anyway?”
Tyler swallows, “My uh...” he refuses to make eye contact despite feeling Josh’s worried gaze glaring him down through the mirror. He whispered under his breath like it was a curse. “My period started.”
He felt Josh grip around him a little tighter. He grazed his hands down closer to Tyler’s pubic region and pressed down gently, already knowing where he hurts the most. “Oh, baby, I’m sorry.”
“I hate it,” he says. “It makes me feel like—like I’m not…” He looks up toward the sky and forces it out, lip quivering as he holds back tears. “I wish I was a boy.”
“You are a boy, Tyler.” He starts rubbing slow, steady circle, firm enough to ground and help soothe the cramping, but gentle enough not to overwhelm him. “You’re the most handsome boy I know.”
Tyler’s breath stutters.
“I’ve got you,” Josh says quietly, close to his ear.
Tyler’s shoulders loosen a fraction, his body leaning back almost without thinking. “It feels wrong,” he whispers.
“I know.”
“It feels like I’m not what I’m supposed to be.”
Josh’s hold tightens just a little. “You are,” he says.
Tyler lets out a weak breath. “Doesn’t feel like it.”
“I know it doesn’t,” Josh says. “But that doesn’t make it true.” His hand keeps moving, slow and consistent, easing some of the tension coiled in Tyler’s stomach. He starts to kiss Tyler’s neck some more in between words, scraping his teeth every now and then.
“You’re always more than enough, for me,” Josh continues.
Tyler’s eyes sting. “You don’t have to say that,” he murmurs under his breath, letting the tears flow down steadily now.
“I’m not just saying it,” Josh replies. “I mean it.” There’s no hesitation in his voice, just steady certainty. “You’re you,” he says. “That’s never been anything less.”
Tyler leans back into him more fully, letting himself be held. The mirror is still there, but it’s starting to feel a little less violent.
“You don’t have to look at it,” Josh murmurs. Tyler glances at it one more time, blinking hard a few times until colors start to appear.
Josh gently guides him to turn away, hands never leaving him until they’re back on the couch.
Josh disappears for a minute and comes back with a blanket, draping it over Tyler’s shoulders without making a big deal out of it. “Here,” he says quietly.
Tyler pulls it closer around himself, sinking into the corner of the couch with his legs splayed out.
Josh comes around to join him with a heating pad wrapped in a towel, setting it on Tyler’s abdomen. He gently pulls Tyler’s legs apart, only enough to slide his own body in between them and rest his head on top of the heating pad.
The pressure mixed with the heat pushing down and the presence of Josh was enough to make Tyler’s heart melt onto the floor. The tears are still steadily coming down but it doesn’t feel like he’s actually crying, more just letting go of tension.
Josh still notices though, tracing circles on his thighs he whispers, “You okay?”
Tyler can’t get himself to speak so he just nods softly, tangling his hands into Josh’s hair. He quickly starts on a curl, twisting it rhythmically in his fingers.
“You’re allowed to feel like shit about it,” he says after a moment. “Doesn’t make it stupid.”
Tyler huffs softly. “Still feels stupid.”
“Still not stupid.” That earns the smallest hint of a smile.
Tyler shifts slightly, allowing himself to sink into the weight of Josh and the softness of the couch. “…You don't feel weird about it?”
Josh avoids shaking his head so Tyler doesn’t take his hands out of his hair, but he emphasizes his tone enough to make up for it. “Of course not.”
“Not even a little?”
“Nope, not even a little.”
Tyler swallows. “It doesn’t make you… think anything?”
Josh pauses for a second to make sure Tyler knows he’s thinking hard about it. “No,” Josh is firm this time. “It doesn’t change how I see you. At all, Tyler, not one bit.”
Tyler’s chest is finally starting to loosen as his eyelids droop down, “…okay.”
“I’ve got you,” Josh repeats again, “Just go to sleep, Ty, you’re exhausted.”
“No m’not,” he is arguing back, but the hand in Josh’s hair has already stilled and his breathing is even again. “love y’josh.”
Josh chickened through his nose a bit, shutting his own eyes and listening to Tyler’s soft breaths, “Love you too, Tyler.”